by Holly Ice
I depressed the button and the doors slid back into the walls, revealing a large circular table populated by all the department heads, and Rima. The nearest seat was empty. I glanced around the table. No one smiled.
‘Errai, thanks for coming.’ Rima indicated the open seat.
‘What’s this about?’
‘Sit, please.’
I perched. I wouldn’t feel comfortable until I knew what was going on. ‘Why am I here?’ Sabine had a small sheaf of papers in front of her. What was she planning?
‘A predictable response, Errai.’
‘My question? We’re hardly fighting here. Or are we? Am I about to be mauled?’
Sabine sat back. ‘Not here, no.’
‘What’s this about, then?’
What could they possibly need to ask me with the whole committee present? The maintenance head shuffled her papers. I tried to read some of the words but got no further than my name and some factual summaries of my progress before Sabine interrupted.
‘How did you know what the yew tree would do? You only have basic training in that area.’
‘I read a lot.’
Kuba huffed. ‘The chances you came across that particular plant and recognised it must be microscopic.’ He stared me down. ‘Who told you what it was? Was it one of those in there with you, or did your mother tell you about the simulation?’
‘My mother? I’ve not talked to her since I applied!’ I didn’t even know she worked on the simulations. ‘I read about the yew tree and added the other berries in case I was wrong. Check my comm and player records. You’ll see how many botany books I’ve read and how long I’ve spent reading them. Hours of documentaries are logged, too. I’m no cheat.’
‘Records can be faked, but I’ll check.’ He tapped his comm, granting himself admin access to root around in my comm’s usage history. How Mum worked for that bigot…
‘Is that what this is?’ I met Rima’s gaze. ‘You think I lied? I passed the botany questions with full marks. Why doubt me now?’
‘We didn’t want to overlook anything.’
Sabine rolled her eyes. ‘Say it straight, Rima. Whether Errai legitimately achieved high scores on those tests or not, I’m concerned about her progress.’ Sabine planted her elbows on the table and leant over them. ‘I don’t think you have the physical or academic training to warrant a position on the team, yet Rima thinks you have potential.’ Sabine glanced at Kuba. ‘Anything?’
‘She’s right. She’s logged days and days with planetary records across multiple subject areas. Her entrance test and her performance so far is almost certainly from her own knowledge.’
Sabine pursed her lips. ‘I see.’
‘I thought I did well in the last sim.’
‘You did,’ Rima said.
‘Then why is Sabine concerned about my abilities?’
Sabine leant over the table to look me dead in the eyes. ‘You’re predictable. Yara proved that twice. The latest test was better, I suppose.’
Rima nodded. ‘That’s what I argued. She’s improving.’
‘Yet her only real experience is in food. Even the latest test appears better than it is. Without the fog, she wouldn’t have had so long to react. Her teammates saved her life multiple times as it was.’
‘Do my test scores mean nothing to you?’
Sabine shrugged. ‘We have colonial studies applicants I’ve trained, people I know have all the information they’ll need, and extra physical training. They’re a better choice.’
‘Yet none of them found the yew tree or came out unscathed.’
‘You’ve answered a few dozen questions on botany. They’ve studied it, many of them for years.’
‘I applied the material in the field. Could they?’
‘Space me, Errai. It doesn’t matter. You’re just not skilled enough to be in the landing team.’
Her tests would disagree, but I could hardly blurt that out. I bit my tongue, hard. All that work, trying to impress her – pointless! She’d made her mind up before I’d applied.
Rima put up her hands. ‘Enough. Sabine, I know you favour quick results, and we are time-limited, but it’s too early to choose the final team. We already agreed on our schedule, and we’ve established Errai hasn’t cheated. We’ll discuss any cuts at the next juncture.’
‘Fine, but it’s a waste of my time to train her any longer.’
Rima pursed her lips. ‘Understood. Now, do you have improvement notes ready?’
‘I’ve put lists together. I’ll send them out once we’re done here.’
Kuba cleared his throat. ‘Ristar scans need to be our priority.’
‘Agreed,’ Rima said. ‘If we’re all done here, shall we let Errai go?’
The doors swished open behind me, and a dozen or so men and women in off-duty clothes stomped in. Ludis headed them as they crowded around my end of the table, leaving a wide circle around me, too large to feel body heat but close enough to feel penned in. I sat askew so I could watch both them and the committee.
‘What’s going on?’ I hissed. Were these the people Ludis had been talking to, and why were they here? He couldn’t want to lecture the committee, could he?
Ludis shook his head, his gaze centred on Rima.
‘We don’t have a meeting scheduled, Ludis,’ Rima said.
I was caught in the middle as his hands clenched into fists. ‘I’m aware. We were refused a meeting, as you well know.’
‘We agreed to discuss your concerns at a later date.’
‘That doesn’t work for us.’ He glanced down at me and back up. ‘This matter is pressing. It can’t wait.’
So he had barged in here, interrupting an active committee meeting, to talk about nanites. Was he mad?
Sabine’s lips thinned. ‘We’re currently discussing other matters.’
‘Sounded as if that matter was dealt with.’ Ludis crossed his arms and waited.
Rima looked around the committee, but Ludis and his new friends weren’t moving and no one stood to remove them. My mouth went dry after a closer look. Almost all his new friends were candidates that had dropped out when they’d realised nanites were necessary. They must have reinforced his paranoia and convinced him to stand up and say something.
‘Fine, go ahead. Errai, you can go.’
I stood on shaky legs. Ludis’s friends stepped aside so I could pass through the doors, but I lingered within earshot on the other side. I had to know how far gone he was.
‘Be quick, Ludis. We have serious matters to discuss,’ Sabine snapped.
‘I think using nanites like you have is a serious concern.’
‘You made us aware of your displeasure in your request to meet. Health tells me you’re also aware nanites haven’t spread. What else is there to discuss?’
‘This decision shouldn’t have been left to the committee. Nanites can affect everyone on this ship, and our future home. Using them is too risky.’
‘That decision has already been made,’ Rima said. ‘We’re not required to justify ourselves to everyone on board.’
‘It’s controversial. You have to admit that. If you won’t rescind nanite approval, will you at least consider a ship-wide vote? The crew deserve a say.’
‘A ship-wide vote can only be triggered when the committee vote is split.’
‘You won’t make an exception?’
‘I understand your concern. It’s a big decision, one that affects our future far more than other choices we’re making, but we debated this for months, argued all these points. Every committee the ship’s ever had supported this measure, even the first.’
‘So you’re going to ignore your crew’s wishes?’
Sabine scoffed. ‘Our crew? There are nine of you – hardly representative – and parading in here with a show of force does not make us sympathetic.’
I blew my air out through my teeth. Ludis and his friends were getting their asses handed to them. I messaged Ashoka and let him know what had happ
ened. If the committee did a good job, we might not need to ambush Ludis after all.
My comm buzzed as I headed for my cabin, but it wasn’t Ashoka. Ludis must have been thrown out, because Sabine had sent her training feedback. If nothing else, she was succinct: Predictable, slow, reckless, and underskilled.
Each word sank deep, pulling at old worries and fears. How could I be quicker without significant time in the gym? How could I be more skilled in the official capacity she preferred? I’d never meet her expectations, not before we reached Ristar. Unless I impressed the rest of the committee, I’d be forced out. Then Ludis would have his wish.
* * *
I wandered the hallways and stairs, up and down levels, deciding and then second-guessing how to deal with Ludis and Sabine. I worked the problems over and over as I walked, my thought patterns as circular as my route. I wasn’t getting anything but a headache, but doing nothing seemed just as useless.
By the time I reached C-8 for the seventh time, my mind refused to ponder my predicament any longer. I’d sleep on it.
I rubbed my aching head and looked around. Orange entertainment coveralls were rarely seen before second shift, so it was quiet. One girl dashed from her cabin to another and came out with an old, bashed guitar, already strumming the strings as she re-entered her room. Early inspiration, then. I smiled. It was strange not to be working myself.
‘Move it, kin kid.’ Micah barged past.
The metal stair railings bit into my ribs. I threw my arms out, grasping for the bars. I caught two and used them to regain my feet, a hand held to my bruised side, but Micah was long gone. Asshole.
I walked around the deck, nursing my side, but stopped dead at Ashoka’s door. Quinn was outside, his brown eyes staring into Siti’s, their interlaced hands swinging between them. She leant into him as if entranced. She couldn’t – they couldn’t, could they? It explained why they were so close, why they’d worked together to befriend me, but that didn’t stop my insides knotting.
Quinn glanced over Siti’s shoulder and dropped her hands. ‘Errai, wait.’
Siti swung around. Her brow furrowed and then she rushed toward me without a second glance for Quinn. I didn’t want to hear it. My eyes were burning and I felt ready to collapse, so I ran for my room, where I could find peace to break down. I shouldn’t be this dramatic, not when we had been over for a year, longer even, but Siti… did it have to be her?
She followed me upstairs, almost matching my pace. She wasn’t going to leave this be. Didn’t she understand I couldn’t talk about it, not now? I had to scream at my cabin walls and hate on myself for trusting people. I wasn’t ready to hear the why.
My door lay ahead. I put on a burst of speed, but my shoulder was wrenched back at the last moment. I wobbled on my feet, but held my balance. Siti’s eyes narrowed with determination.
‘Please, don’t. I can’t,’ I said.
I had to get rid of her before I broke down. Anger only lasted so long, and I wouldn’t give her the benefit of my tears. I shouldn’t be so upset over this. I hated myself for it, but I couldn’t brush it off, so she needed to go. Now.
‘It’s not like that with Quinn, I promise you.’ She seemed genuinely concerned, her fingers twisted into knots. ‘I wouldn’t do that to you.’
She had no lasting loyalty to me, not after so many years. I took a deep breath and tried to hold back the tears. I cleared my throat. The sharp sting as I swallowed wasn’t a good sign. ‘You’re both free to do what you like.’
‘We’re not together. I was thanking him for helping me reconnect with you.’
‘It’s not my business. I shouldn’t be upset. It’s stupid.’
Siti looked at the floor and sighed. ‘You still like him, don’t you?’
I nodded.
‘He never got over you.’
‘So what, you want him but he’s hung up on me?’
‘No, I’m not interested.’ She placed her hand on my shoulder and smiled. ‘Really. Now, can we take this inside, or did you want to discuss your love life on your doorstep?’
She’d not been in my cabin since she’d betrayed me, but her words before the sim came back to me. I had to take a chance sometime. I took a shaky breath. ‘Don’t make me regret this.’ I unlocked the door and let us in.
Siti crossed to the sofa. ‘I heard the committee called you to a hearing. Are you okay?’
My throat was raw, but I felt able to talk now, less shaky. My eye twitched at the memory. ‘They thought I cheated.’
Siti snorted. ‘As if that’s the only way you could succeed. What feedback did Sabine give you?’
‘She said I’m predictable, slow, reckless, and underskilled.’
Siti scrunched her nose. ‘I’d say you’ve been nowhere near your old routines in the last week. It’s refreshing to see the real you again.’
‘Well, Sabine must disagree.’ My fingernails pressed into my fleshy palms as the questions crept back in: what to do about Ludis, and Sabine?
‘If it helps, my appraisal was as bad.’
I raised an eyebrow. ‘It doesn’t.’
‘Worth a shot.’ Siti chuckled and fell onto the sofa. I joined her, tucking my legs. She sat the same way she had as a kid.
Siti ducked her head. ‘I missed spending time with you. I thought after the simulation, maybe you’d want to hang out, and here I am, making you think I’ve stolen your ex.’
I smiled. ‘I’m glad you didn’t.’
I studied her slender figure, the lean muscle on her arms, her familiar pointed chin. She looked the same as she always had, but I didn’t know how to talk to her anymore.
Siti pointed to the posters over my bed. ‘You still have those?’
The forest views were pictures from calendars the original crew had brought with them. They curled at the edges, the colour faded compared to how it was first printed, but they were still proudly taped to my wall, a survivor of the algae attack. I could have replaced them with a screen image or traded them for inked art, but they were my nod to colour and life in this man-made ship. ‘I wouldn’t lose them.’
‘Even the red one?’
She’d focused on the picture of maple trees during autumn, the leaves in various shades of red and yellow. It was one of my favourite hand-me-downs, a present from her on my fourteenth birthday. ‘Yes. I kept it.’
‘You still have those documentaries saved to your player?’
‘Probably more than before.’
‘Let’s watch some, take your mind off everything.’
‘But you hated those.’
She shrugged. ‘You need cheering up. It’s worth it. Just don’t pick one where animals are eaten, and promise me you’ll talk to Quinn.’
‘I won’t promise that.’ It wasn’t the right time to fix things with Quinn, not romantically at least, but maybe I wasn’t wrong to call us friends again. ‘I won’t hold today against him, though.’
I loaded up the player. It projected an image over my posters, hiding them from sight beneath an opaque vista of the Sahara Desert. Normally I’d be entranced, even though I’d seen the documentary a dozen times, but I kept peeking at Siti. She was intent on the screen and had relaxed into the curves of the sofa, her face in light and shadow as the image changed.
‘You’ve really had enough of the tank kids?’
She took a deep breath. ‘Not all of them are bad, but I got in with the wrong group. I realised that years ago, but by then it was too late.’
‘And now?’
‘With you applying for the programme, it seemed like the perfect time to get to know you again. I hope you’ll let me.’
I sank back into the sofa, feeling lighter than I had for weeks. ‘I’m glad you chased after me.’
Chapter 10
I was alone in the lander’s cockpit. I could hear my heart beat, and my breath was loud to my ears. There was no reason I should be in the lander. I didn’t even know the security code. The lights were on, but the floor didn’t h
old the hum of the engine, which meant I was stationary, as I should be parked inside the Courage’s hold. I twisted in the pilot’s seat to check the screens. A flashing light on the main comm screen told me I had a new message.
Turned out, I had a lot. Courage had been trying to contact me. I wasn’t in the ship’s hold. I’d landed on Ristar and had been out of contact for four days. Impossible. I stopped reading, pressed the button to open the cockpit window’s shutter, and squinted against the bright light. Sunlight.
A minute later, my vision returned to normal. I daren’t look directly at the orb of molten gas in the sky, though the second moon on the far-off horizon was a crescent beauty.
I don’t know how long I stared at the windswept grassland or the rolling waves of what must be an ocean, bordered by powdery white sand drifting into hills, before I dragged my attention back to the screen and read on, but when I did, I felt my stomach drop.
The rest of the team were dead. I read the words again to be sure, but there they were. Dead. The words hadn’t changed. They didn’t explain how, and it was probably best not to know if I’d blocked it out. What had I done for four days? We’d trained for this, and I’d disappeared into myself, erased any memory of landing and whatever had happened after. Why? Had the nanites healed a head injury, or had I blocked out what had happened myself?
A loud patter like gunfire erupted on the roof and sides of the lander and gained intensity. I jumped to my feet and looked out the window for threats but saw only diagonal lines over the environment. Rain. It was raining. Splatters ran down the window and collected in miniature rivers over the lander’s nose.
I managed a bitter smile and read the next message. This was a list of scans which needed to be completed within the next three months. With only me on the ground, I’d be working around the clock.
Small sparks jolted through my belly. I couldn’t even remember who was in the final team. Quinn could be dead, and I’d never had that conversation with him, never tried to make things right. But the rest of the colony were still up there – Aina, and my parents – and they needed me, needed to experience the life we’d dreamed of. So, I read through journals and updates until I was up to speed with what we knew of conditions to date.
