I have lived close to both kinds of couples. To me, the loving couples can be annoying, and the fighting couples can be entertaining—for a little while, at least. Welcome to the soap opera. It is common in the boating world to know a lot about your fellow marina tenants; you are a part of each other’s lives and play a role in everything that is going on…the good times and the bad, the love and the affairs, the fights and problems. Nothing really gets by an observant boat owner. Make sure that your partner truly wants this life as much as you, or more than you, or else you may become one more source of your neighbor’s (or my) entertainment.
On more than one occasion, I have been the one with a loved one on board. Unfortunately, mine was the classic example of a boat with barely enough space for a single person. Watching TV together was a challenge, trying to squeeze together on an already too-narrow settee. The galley was adequately sized, but far too small for two people to cook together. And sleeping…
I slept in the forward cabin, a v-berth. With a companion, there was no way to sleep without being in contact at all times, even if it was just our feet being joined tightly as a result of being stuffed in the v-berth. One particular partner wasn’t fond of sleeping with feet touching. And she kicked a bit. That bothered me. When she wanted to cook or clean, even in the protected slip, she’d start to get a little queasy with the movement of the boat. And extracurricular activities were a challenge due to the low headroom in the v-berth and the awkward cushions of the settees. It didn’t take long before she was asking me to visit in her apartment, and then her trips to the boat stopped.
In addition to both partners wanting to be aboard, each needs to understand the sacrifices necessary to be successful. They should enjoy the simple things in life and not sweat the small stuff. There is simply not enough room aboard a boat for the chronically unhappy person.
It is interesting how many couples plan for years on becoming cruising liveaboards for their retirement. They buy a boat, but after taking their first transoceanic cruise, one person decides that the lifestyle is just not for him or her. On one trip to the islands of the Caribbean, I met a couple that had just made their maiden voyage and, upon landfall, had decided to sell their boat and move back home. I met another man, in his late sixties, who divorced his wife of 40 years when she decided not to join him aboard. He told me that he still dearly loved her, but the boating lifestyle meant more to him; it was his lifelong dream.
I have known single men living alone aboard their boats who are unwilling to date any woman not willing to seriously consider the lifestyle—and they are content to be single forever if the right woman does not come along.
When more than one person plans on moving aboard, honesty is paramount. If the man wants to live aboard and the woman does not, then it is incumbent upon her to speak up. Each must want this lifestyle just as much as the other or it will not work. Plenty of people who really want to succeed engage in this undertaking, only to fail in the end. That’s what this whole book is about. Life aboard isn’t easy in the best of circumstances. Now imagine having to live with someone who doesn’t care to enjoy the lifestyle, and is only living aboard as an accommodation to his or her mate.
Ease in. There is no requirement that everything happen overnight. Visit lots of boats, take trips together, and be absolutely sure that this is what you both want.
Children
Liveaboard children, adopting their family’s lifestyle and limitations, are impressive. Kids adapt very quickly, and to me, this has always been a beautiful thing.
Children require certain things: a safe place to live, space to play and learn, adequate supervision, and a good education. Liveaboards who have home marinas often send their children to the local public school or a private school, just as landlubbing families do.
Parents should understand the general perception that bringing a child onto a boat is fundamentally dangerous. In addition, family and friends may cause more stress and volatility. This is often magnified if (as is common with liveaboard families, particularly cruising families) the child is home-schooled.
The issue here really is the unknown. When I first decided to live aboard, two people were particularly worried about me—my parents. They knew, however, that their slightly eccentric son was going to be okay. At least I think they did. Years of experience had trained them to accept that I don’t always take the easy or most traditional path in life. Now imagine two sets of parents (and if there are kids, grandparents) worried to death about the safety and well-being of their floating family and the innocent and helpless young ones. Most people don’t understand boats or living aboard, and certainly not cruising or home-schooling. More people than just the new liveaboards will be suffering culture shock.
A second issue that parents report involves isolation. While there are many other liveaboard children, finding them might be a challenge. Again, particularly for those cruising families, the children spend quite a bit of time growing up without companions. Depending on age, home-schooled children might miss the school dances and proms, sports and sporting events, and traditional interaction with classmates (the good kids and the bad kids).
The age of the child matters when it comes to adapting to the lifestyle. It is generally believed that the younger the child, the better. As infants, children will adjust to life aboard as if it is their natural environment, growing into the lifestyle, understanding the safety issues and requirements. Slightly older children are a bit more of a challenge, having already been presented with open spaces for playing, streets with lots of kids, and notions of privacy. Imagine living with a two-year-old child in a small, inescapable box. It is rare to find those families that have moved aboard with their teenage children. Teenagers have already built their own social circles and networks; they are dating and going out and often want to maintain a physical and emotional distance from their parents. On land or at sea, teens are the biggest challenge.
At the same time, parents of teenagers who have grown up aboard report that they are generally impressive people. Having avoided many of the bad elements of society, having had close supervision and responsibilities, they are reported to be very bright, polite, and helpful. Parents of children who are home-schooled also report that their children are able to become highly educated because of the one-on-one tutelage.
The Transition
Giving up loved possessions is scary, but the biggest fear is always the fear of the unknown.
When a child is involved, the challenges discussed throughout this book are no longer mere inconveniences; they are barriers which must be immediately overcome. Keeping things like milk and juice aboard requires reliable refrigeration. Adequate safety gear is no longer something that can be upgraded over time. More space is no longer a luxury but a requirement. Kids need toys. Babies need sterile baby stuff. Teenagers need space.
The transition to life aboard is part culture shock and partly a new occupation. But time cannot be wasted, particularly if the boat will be under way. Adequate communication is essential. Assigning roles and responsibilities to those who can perform is important, if for no other reason than to make sure that every family member is involved in the process of being aboard.
Several families have reported that the process by which they moved aboard involved having every person perform certain tasks on the boat or in preparation for the move. The team effort began as soon as the idea to move aboard started to become a reality. In one case, the family told me that everyone got to decide on the boat that was chosen, and the vote had to be unanimous. Even the eight-year-old had a right to veto the boat choice.
Family Safety
If you plan on bringing children aboard, take care to outfit the boat completely and correctly for safety.
Things change when there are children aboard. Unlike a house, a boat cannot be made entirely childproof. There are fuel and propane, candles and lanterns, outlets, pumps, and switches. And then there is the giant moat surrounding the boat. Docks can be slippe
ry, with hazards strewn throughout. There are lines and chains and…well, you get the idea. Where do you start?
I would suggest starting with the biggest safety risks: Figure out how to keep the children aboard. In addition to general safety gear, which must be employed while cruising (such as life jackets and harnesses), it is common for boats with children to add metal bars to the stanchions and lifelines, as well as adding netting so that children (as well as pets) cannot slip and fall off the boat. The idea is to ensure that there are no gaps between the lifelines, minimizing opportunities for a fall overboard. Unfortunately, not all overboards can be prevented.
Many parents require life jackets whenever the child is on deck when the boat is under way and harnesses whenever there is a greater risk. Some parents require life jackets at all times on deck or dock and often help encourage compliance by themselves wearing jackets such as inflatable models that provide more range of movement than traditional ones.
Storage areas in a boat often cannot be locked, as access to those areas in an emergency must not be hindered. Just as in a house, knobs can be installed to limit access to those who understand the release mechanism. In speaking with liveaboard families, I learned that these types of solutions were rarely employed. Education was the primary safety device.
One word of caution: In my role as an attorney, I can tell you that, just as for those families on land, if a hazardous condition is created or not alleviated, and if that hazardous condition potentially puts a child in harm’s way, many states in this country would consider this to be equivalent to child neglect. Neglect can even put you in jail (e.g., criminal neglect or manslaughter). Some conditions could even accompany an allegation of abuse. It is a crime both morally and literally for you to not ensure, in this sometimes dangerous lifestyle, that you have done everything you could have to protect children (as well as your crew) aboard.
There are amazing differences among families, creating various unique approaches to the lifestyle. I can report that I see great camaraderie and love aboard these vessels. There are terrific articles in magazines, the Internet, and e-mail forums; I would encourage you to read them and take a trip to the marinas to meet families and ask questions.
Roles and Responsibilities
When we discuss couples and families, take some time to think about roles and responsibilities. Every family, land-based or otherwise, establishes expectations of each of its members, and certain people take on certain chores and responsibilities. This is typical.
When cruising, however, these roles are not “soft.” There will be problems, and when those occur, each person must be at his strongest for the sake of the crew’s well-being as well as the integrity of the boat. Consequently, there must be a captain, and the captain must be able to give orders that will be followed. Captains and crew will of course establish their own system for working together while under way, but there will be times when one person needs something of another person very quickly. In emergency situations or other occasions when time is critical, such as docking, one person will need to take charge and the other crew members must allow that to happen, and follow the orders that are issued. This requires acceptance as well as respect; it is critical to boating safety. In other words, companions need to act more like captain and crew than lover. While there are natural differences in the manner in which spouses communicate, everyone should understand that the speed and precision in giving and following orders could be far more important than thoughtful, patient, and clear communication.
The importance of a finely-tuned crew is noted in the simple and stupid things that happen, such as when a crosswind causes a docking boat to merely touch another boat, causing thousands of dollars in damage. Out on the docks, there are major problems all the time; sometimes the problem will be yours. Under stressful conditions I tend to bark out orders (I do add the word “please” to many orders, though). I’ve had good crew and bad crew…but when the crew is your family, they are hard to fire and don’t like to get barked at.
In my experience with families, these roles are exceptionally clear. One person mans the helm, another helps with the lines. The cooking, cleaning, and maintenance routines are so organized that they appear choreographed. I would encourage you to understand the roles that need to be filled in order to be safe. However you decide to divide the responsibilities in those instances, acting in a cohesive way is critical.
Many liveaboard families make sure that every member of the family and crew understands how to operate the boat in the event that there is ever a person overboard or some other health emergency. Every member needs to be taught how to use the communication equipment; and I’ve seen preteen children doing man-overboard drills with their parents.
Many boaters establish their own procedures for the many tasks of boating, procedures for leaving the dock, returning, setting anchor, picking up moorings, periodic cleaning, maintenance, and the like. All members of the family are incorporated in the tasks. It’s not uncommon to see a boat and crew preparing to be under way: The family scatters to perform their respective functions, checking the oil and belts, stowing away loose articles, manning the helm, releasing the lines, guiding the boat out of the slip, and so forth. It is like a football team breaking its huddle.
In the event that you decide to become a cruising family, these roles will extend to the education of the children, as well as procedures for watches. While the cruising lifestyle is outside the scope of this book, there really are terrific resources that are must-reads if you are seriously considering this. Because of the freedom of the liveaboard lifestyle, including the option for cruising, many liveaboard children are home-schooled, a system that takes a great deal of dedication and commitment. Liveaboards on the Internet report that a few home-schooling programs have received high marks, and if I have been swayed, it is in my newfound belief that many of these programs are not only legitimate, but also provide children with real educational advantages. The requirement is that the parents commit to these programs and dedicate the time necessary to fulfill them.
Pets
Speaking of companions aboard, I enjoy pets, and have a cat (Max The Cat) that has become quite accustomed to the liveaboard and boating lifestyle. Max has only gotten seasick in the slip once, a situation that I mentioned previously in which the boat was flying about violently in a storm. During cruising, he typically looks like hell for about a half hour, gets seasick, falls asleep for several hours (totally dead to the world), and then wakes up refreshed, healthy, and feeling fine. He then runs forward and aft, scaring me to death that he will fall overboard (remember that I am a sailboater and the boat often sails heeled over at a steep angle). Time to get the leash out again or lock him down below!
There are many interesting approaches to cats and dogs, but there are primarily three things that your furry friends need: food, a place to relieve themselves, and exercise.
I mounted a gimbaled food bowl in the galley (kitchen) for Max, and that worked well. Our collective problem was that the kitty litter, which is small and sandlike, was not only being tracked around and falling into every crevice, but was extremely difficult to clean, particularly once the litter became wet. My imperfect solution was to take a piece of vinyl flooring and create a sealed container around the litter that would catch a bit of it. I’m sorry to say that I’ve never stopped finding kitty litter throughout the boat—particularly where one would least expect to find it.
Both dog and cat owners have reported success in training the pet to use a restroom consisting of a piece of outdoor carpeting with a rope tied to it. In the case of cats, litter is applied over the carpet until the cat becomes accustomed to using it, and then the cat is weaned off of the litter. The carpet is used and then dropped off the transom of the boat while under way to clean itself. It can be reused with no further need for supplies.
Pets need exercise. Aboard my boat there was very little room for Max to run about, and he started to walk the docks as though he owned them.
Max, a highly independent cat, soon started wandering off the docks and into the highly urban, traffic-filled region surrounding the marina, ending up on such national landmarks as the U.S.S. Constitution and the Bunker Hill Monument. After calls from neighbors, the Parks Department, and the Historical Society, I had to take extreme measures to curtail the wandering.
A leash seemed to work well, until Max tried to jump to the dock. The leash tightened and down into the water he went. Luckily I was there when this happened, and despite a few scratches, both cat and liveaboard were fine.
Max hit the water a few more times as well, once when a neighbor’s dog surprised him, and another time during circumstances unknown. If you don’t know, cats (unlike dogs) have hair that works like a sponge. Max once managed to extricate himself from the water and appeared at the top of the companionway about 20 pounds heavier than when he left just a few minutes earlier (he was retaining water). Despite my many efforts to catch and dry him, he remained elusive and sopping wet for a full day, soaking everything he touched. Moisture has a tendency to get into the living space, and for me, Max was a major source of moisture.
Many cat owners drop heavy ropes off parts of the boat to allow a cat to climb back out of the water if it falls in, and drag a long line behind the boat while cruising to provide a fighting chance for a cat in the event that it goes in while under way. I don’t know if there are any examples of this working.
Dogs present other challenges. One family in my marina has trained their dog to use the foredeck as his bathroom. I have always found this to be a bit off-putting, but since this family did some extensive cruising, this was the only acceptable location for this activity. The family would clean the waste whenever they noticed it and hose the urine off daily.
The Essentials of Living Aboard a Boat Page 13
