by Beth Merlin
“One man’s trash,” I teased. “Really, though, think about all those people who wasted their lives in pursuit of a lie.”
“I’m not sure they’d agree with you.”
“What do you mean?”
“Half the adventure’s in the pursuit. The chance you could possibly uncover a prize is enough to sustain most people.”
“Well, not this person. I’m disappointed to not be going home with the Retreat House treasure.”
“Think you’ll ever make your way back to Topsail to reignite the search?”
“I’d like to say yes, but I don’t think so. Topsail’s a world away from the rest of my life.”
He nodded and cupped my chin in his hand. “Think you can you stay here in my world, just a little bit longer? I’m not ready to say goodbye just yet, are you?”
I looked into his handsome face and could almost imagine throwing away my whole life and moving to Topsail. I’d spend my mornings surfing and my nights in his arms. But it was a pipe dream and like all summer romances, this one had a shelf-life.
I snuggled into his chest, “No, I’m not ready to say goodbye, not just yet.”
Chapter Thirty-One
Dr. P suggested we have our very last session on the beach instead of the conference room, and I happily agreed. I brought along the finished letter that had been the source of so much strife these last couple of weeks and met him in front of the lifeguard stand like we planned.
“I have the bottle,” I said, waving it around in the air, “and the letter.”
He pointed down the beach. “Perfect. Let’s head out to that jetty.”
We walked down the beach toward the jetty where I’d gotten my ankle stuck in the rocks only two short weeks ago.
“Do you think you said everything you needed to say in the letter?” Dr. P asked.
I nodded. “For the first time in my life, I didn’t hold anything back or pull any punches. What I finally came up with is real and raw and long overdue.”
“And how do you feel?” he asked.
“Like I filled the pages with the breathings of my heart,” I said, repeating the William Wordsworth quote he’d shared with me in one of our very first sessions.
The corners of his eyes crinkled upwards. “You’ve come a very long way in a very short time,” Dr. P said. “I am very proud of you, Joanna.”
“I couldn’t have done it without you. You forced me to take a look at things I’d been afraid to confront most of my life.”
He smiled. “I’m glad. You can always reach out to me, but I’ll give you some referrals for when you get back home. You may find it helpful to keep exploring some of these issues. In two short weeks, we only scratched the surface. Let me ask you, what’s your relationship like with your father? He’s still living, correct?”
“He is. He lives out in California. So does my older sister.”
“But you two aren’t close?”
“Not really. He loved my mother very much. Worshiped her, really. He’s a doctor, and when she got sick, it was like he made it his personal mission to get her better. If he wasn’t working, he was researching new treatments or drug trials she could try.”
“What about your sister? How’s their relationship?”
“She was almost fourteen when my mom first got sick, and he opened up to her a lot more than me about what was going on.”
“How’d that make you feel?”
“I can understand his behavior better now that I’m older, but I won’t lie, it created a wedge between us. I moved to New York right after I graduated high school, and then spent practically every holiday and every school break with Sam. Come to think of it, I haven’t been home since my mother’s funeral.”
“I’m sure that’s hard for him.”
I chewed my bottom lip. “I don’t know. If it is, he’s never said.”
“Maybe it’s time to find out?”
“You sound like my sister. She’s been hounding me to come out to California after the retreat.”
“Will you go?”
“I don’t think so. I’ve been away so long already. I have to get back to my real life.”
“Rebuilding your relationship with your father sounds like real life kinda stuff to me.”
“You know what I mean. But I have to get home to my job. My bills. Chaka and Khan.”
He laughed. “Who are Chaka and Khan?”
“The guy I’m renting an apartment from, they’re his dogs, and I promised I wouldn’t board them for too long.”
We stopped walking, and Dr. P placed his hand on my forearm. “You know, you’ll always find an excuse not to work things out with your father if you want one.”
“I promise to think about it.”
He nodded and pointed to the jetty. “We made it this far, you ready to finish the journey?”
We walked down the jetty to its farthest point, just past the lighthouse, where the waves crashed hardest against the silvery rocks.
Dr. P took the glass bottle from my pocket and removed the cork top. “May your past and may your pain be like a message in a bottle, pitched out to sea, to be carried by the winds and tides, washing up on a distant shore, never to return home again.”
I rolled the letter up into a thin scroll and held it tightly in my hand.
“Ready, Joanna?” he asked.
I moistened my lips. “Dr. P, I know it may not be protocol, but I’d like to hold onto the letter just a little bit longer, if that’s okay?”
“Can I ask you why?”
“I have a feeling I may need a cheat sheet when the time comes for me to own up to some of these things in person,” I said.
He grinned. “I understand. Here, take the bottle home with you,” he said, passing it to me. “I’m sure the East River or Hudson will be just as cathartic as the Atlantic when the time comes.”
Chapter Thirty-Two
The last morning of the Boot Camp was a flurry of activity. I met Zosia and Emmy for paddleboard yoga before the sun was even up. We’d been wanting to try it since the first week, but the sign-up sheet was always full. Yoga was always part of my daily routine, but I gave up my practice for Benji’s Bridal Boot Camp, and in recent days had been itching to get back to it.
We met the instructor on the whitewashed dock on the harbor side of the hotel. She passed out the paddleboards and pointed to the middle of the harbor. “Let’s paddle out and circle up at the red buoy.”
The three of us eased into the water and followed the class out to the center of the inlet. Once everyone was steady on their boards, the instructor had us drop our paddles into the water and ease into downward dog position. Over the next forty-five minutes, the instructor led us through a series of Vinyasa poses, made that much more challenging by the unstable wake of the bay.
All the surfing Emmy had done over the last two weeks seemed to have strengthened her core to the point she was moving through the poses effortlessly. It was a different story for me and Zosia, who kept falling off our boards and into the water.
“Remember,” said the instructor, “the keys to balance are mindfulness and breath.”
“Mindfulness and breath?” Zosia said, climbing back onto her board. “Try having buns of steel. I mean, look at all their twenty-something asses.”
“I have a twenty-something ass, and it isn’t doing me much good,” I said, pulling myself out of the water.
The three of us spent most of the class breaking out into hysterical laughter. Every time me or Zosia took another face-plant into the water, Emmy would lose it, and eventually, the two of us would as well. The instructor was clearly getting annoyed by our behavior and took revenge by instructing the class to move into headstand pose.
“Go on, I dare you both,” Emmy taunted.
“Look at Emmy, so smug over there with her perfect abs and dancer’s legs,” Zosia said.
Emmy threw her arms down and pushed up and off the board, her legs perfectly perpendicular to the sky. “You guys
got this,” she said, her face turning beet red from the extra blood flow.
Zosia and I gave it the old college try, but we both ended up tumbling forward and into the sea. Emmy roared with laughter, and when we came to the surface, we did too.
“All right, everyone, let’s cool down in Shavasna pose,” said the instructor.
Zosia and Emmy stretched out across their boards.
“Flatten your spine to the board, clear your mind, and let’s give gratitude for our time at Retreat House,” said the instructor. “I hope you’ve come to realize that this journey isn’t just about the relationship you lost, but more importantly, the new ones you’ve forged and the community you’ve built here. Namaste.”
I looked to my left and to my right and smiled. It’d been a long time since I had close girlfriends, and there was no question Zosia and Emmy had become just that.
We got back to the hotel and stopped by the juice bar for one last green juice.
Zosia popped the strawberry garnish into her mouth. “I’m really gonna miss this.”
“Come on, there have to be plenty of juice bars in Malibu,” I said.
“Yes, but it’s the company I’ll miss,” she answered, her voice thick with emotion.
I pulled two small pouches out of my pocket and placed them on the table. “When I was in town a few days ago buying the surfboard, I wandered into a few of the other Topsail shops, looking for a little something for each of you, and came across these,” I said, pulling white glossy shell bracelets out of each of the pouches. “The woman at the store said the bracelets are made from cowrie shells, and that supposedly the shells hold goddess and feminine energy, which is very powerful and ties directly to the strength of the ocean.” I fastened a bracelet on each of their wrists. “I don’t know if any of that’s true, but now, when you’re home, you can look down and remember us, this place, and that you’re both goddesses. At least to me.”
“I hope you bought one for yourself,” Zosia said.
I pushed up my shirt sleeve to reveal my matching cowrie shell bracelet.
“We’re all goddesses,” Emmy said, smiling.
“Well, this goddess has to finish packing if I hope to meet my plane on time,” Zosia said.
“Same here,” Emmy said. “Zosia’s doing me a solid and giving me a ride back to LA on her PJ.”
I scrunched my nose. “PJ?”
“Private jet.”
“Of course. You two are just way too cool for me,” I teased.
“Think you’ll be in LA any time soon?” Zosia asked.
I shook my head. “I have a lot to catch up on in New York. First, I have to figure out a more permanent living situation, and then try to get back into my boss’ good graces.”
“And what about Sam, do you plan on seeing him when you get home?” Emmy
asked.
“I’d like to. We still have some unfinished business."
"And Chef Todd?"
"We decided to let things end here."
"You're a stronger woman than me. He seems like a really great guy Jo, I don't think I could let go so easily.”
"What about you and Matt?” I asked Emmy.
“He’s meeting me at the airport with the kids,” she said, beaming.
We turned to Zosia to hear her plans.
“Ladies, don’t you worry about me. I’m literally steamed and ready to face Richard and his team of lawyers. I can’t wait to reintroduce him to the woman he used to know.”
“I guess that’s it, then?” Emmy said, tears brimming in her eyes.
“Shame we never did find the treasure,” I said.
Zosia pulled the two of us in for a group hug. “Oh, yes, we did.”
Louisa stood in the center of the lobby, personally seeing off the Retreat House guests as they met their taxis and rides. I struggled, trying to carry both my luggage and surfboard out to the curb. Louisa motioned for a hotel staff member to give me a hand.
“How come you didn’t call for a bellhop?” she asked.
“I thought I could do it. That whole, I-am-woman-hear-me-roar-mantra you and your staff have been drilling into me these last two weeks may have gone to my head.”
She laughed and eyed my pile. “A surfboard? Think you’ll get much use out of it in New York City?”
“Probably not, but I wanted a memento from my time in Topsail.”
“Joanna, I’ve been meaning to talk to you. This is awkward, so maybe we can step into the Palm Lounge, if you have a few minutes to talk?”
“Sure, I have some time before my car gets here.”
I followed her into the lounge, and we took a seat at a small table by the window. She seemed nervous, bouncing her knee and drumming her fingers against the table.
“I feel I owe you an apology,” she finally said.
“You really don’t.”
“I do. Seeing the way Todd looked at you, talked about you, lit up around you . . . I’ll admit, it made me jealous. I had a little too much to drink the other night and found myself missing him in a way I hadn’t in a very long time. I asked him to meet me here after dinner service, and we had a couple of cocktails together, but nothing happened, I promise.” She put her hand over mine. “Joanna, I’ve spent the last four years building a business helping people rewire their hearts, and in all of it, I may have forgotten about my own. I know for certain I’m not in love with Todd anymore, but I may have fooled myself into believing I was ready to let him go.”
“Look, for what it’s worth, Todd and I agreed it would be for the best to just let things lie. I live in New York, he lives here. The truth is, after just two weeks, we hardly know each other. I don’t see the point in pretending this was more than just a summertime fling.”
Her eyes narrowed in on me. “Are you positively sure he feels the same way you do?”
Her words hung in the air for what felt like an eternity before I stood up from the table. “My car’s gonna be here any minute. I should probably get going.”
She rose from her seat. “Absolutely, I’m so sorry to have held you up.”
“Louisa, that first day in your office, I told you I felt like I was drifting without an anchor, and you promised I could learn how to be my own. I have. Thank you for everything. These two weeks changed my life.”
She smiled. “You’re welcome. Now here’s the tricky part in all of my Boot Camp goodbyes. How do I say this? I’d, of course, love for our paths to cross one day, but I hope to never see you here, brokenhearted, again.”
“That makes two of us.” We laughed, exchanged hugs, and I wheeled my suitcase out to the circular driveway, where the driver of my car was holding a sign with my last name.
“Ms. Kitt?” he asked, as I approached the van.
“That’s me.”
“Can I help you with any bags?”
“I have these two suitcases here, and a surfboard.” I looked down at my pile of things and realized I’d left the surfboard in the Palm Lounge. “Shoot, I left the board inside. Let me just go run and get it.”
“No problem. I’ll get these bags loaded into the van while you do.”
I rushed back into the hotel and through the lobby, then into the lounge, where the surfboard was still propped up against the back wall. I picked it up and tucked it under my right arm.
“Can I give you a hand?” a voice said from behind me.
I turned around to find Todd standing under the room’s chandelier in his white chef coat.
“I can’t believe after all that, I almost left the surfboard behind,” I said.
Todd took a few steps toward me. “I thought I’d missed you and wouldn’t have the chance to say goodbye.”
“You almost did.”
“Jo, I’ve been thinking a lot about what you said the other day on the beach.”
“Todd, don’t. I thought we settled things.”
“I understand why you said what you did. And I understand why you’re scared, but don’t you think we should give i
t a real try? What’ve we got to lose?”
“I have so much to figure out when I get home, I just don’t think I can add anything else to that list right now.”
He took hold of my hands. “This doesn’t have to be as hard as you’re making it out to be. Look, I may not have been on Louisa’s official Breakup Boot Camp guest registry, but I came to this place as broken as you did, and I know how hard it is to trust those feelings again. I know how hard it is for you to trust me. But you can trust me, Jo. I’m not going to hurt you. In fact, I’m falling in love with you.”
“I can’t do this,” I said, fighting back tears. “I’m not ready.”
“Stay. Stay a few more days. Not as a guest of the Boot Camp, but with me, in my bungalow, and we’ll figure this out together. We can surf and look for oysters. I’ll cook us dinner under the stars. Just stay. Say you will.”
I swallowed hard. “The driver’s waiting outside for me.”
“Jo…”
I rushed back into his arms letting them envelop me. He lifted me ever so slightly off the ground and pulled me in for long deep kiss. “Please,” he breathed. “Don’t go.”
I pulled away and picked up the handle of my surfboard from the ground. “I’m sorry.”
He took a few steps back. “Me too, more than you know.”
I brushed the tears from my face and went back outside to meet the driver still waiting for me outside the car.
He held open the door as I slid inside. “Did you find everything you were looking for Miss?”
“I’m not sure, I think I maybe did.”
I could see his puzzled face in the rearview mirror.
“Ready to go?” he asked.
I nodded as we pulled out of the gates of The Retreat House and back to the real world.
Chapter Thirty-Three
