“Grandma, dark pubic—”
“Never mind, I get it.”
Jed looked stunned. His face was bright red as he walked beside Carmen, focusing straight ahead, aiming for the altar.
“Poor Grandpa,” said Heather.
Down at the altar Danielle whispered to Wanda. “Oh my God! That explains the mystery of our fabulous dresses. We should have known.”
“Only Carmen would do something this outlandish,” said Wanda.
The sisters were the only ones not totally shocked by Carmen’s dress, except for the groom, who simply had a hungry look on his face.
People were thunderstruck into silence as the bride moved past them. The entire church just gazed at the woman in the see-through dress. Carmen maintained a look of absolute satisfaction the entire time. When she and her father reached the Reverend, who didn’t seem affected, one hundred and ten percent of the guests were totally focused on the ceremony.
“Well,” Heather whispered to Martha. “I guess Carmen’s got her never-to-forget moment.”
Martha was seething. “Damn you kids,” she said under her breath.
“It’ll be over soon, Grandma. Don’t worry, nothing can top this.”
“Thank God, I can’t take any more.”
“We are gathered here today . . .” The Reverend started the ceremony and everyone relaxed, confident that the wedding was back on the right track.
Just a few of the guests, those way up front and on the aisles, witnessed the ring boy, who was standing next to John, start to fidget. John put his hand on top of the boy’s head to settle him down. Instead, the little guy wound up and took a big swing connecting with John’s crotch.
The loud ‘Ooof’ from John resonated through the church as he staggered, trying to keep upright, and grabbed himself.
There was a uniform ‘Ooooh’ from those who witnessed the punch. Everyone on the aisle seats tipped out to look and the rest half-stood to get a better view of John, who was gallantly trying to remain standing, but slowly sank to his knees with a flushed, pained look on his face. There was murmuring from all the wedding guests.
The groom bent down to John.
“What’s wrong?” he whispered, not realizing what had happened. John, his face contorted with pain, grunted and nodded toward the ring boy, who was standing quietly, looking scared.
“Now, folks, we seem to have an interruption here,” the Reverend said calmly. He had seen the punch and was coming to John’s aid. The chapel went strangely quiet as John was helped to his feet and gradually regained his breath. Carmen stood uninterested, tapping one foot and waiting for the distraction to be remedied. The rest of the wedding party stood by while the Reverend and John conversed. John finally managed to straighten up and, with a deep breath, retook his position.
“Ai ya yi,” Martha said, shaking her head while John tried to regain his composure.
“I warned those guys about winding that kid up,” declared Heather.
*
“Carmen said this was going to be a wedding to remember, and she didn’t disappoint anyone,” said Danielle, watching the bride and groom head for their limo. Carmen walked into the setting sun, her voluptuous body outlined by the sunlight that streamed through her sheer dress.
“Damn, Carmen sure got everyone’s attention,” said Wanda.
“I don’t think I’ve ever seen an entire crowd so mesmerized before,” added Jed.
“I think it was disgusting,” said Martha.
“Oh, Mother, you didn’t expect something normal from Carmen, did you?” Danielle laughed.
“I wish you damn kids would stop embarrassing me every time there are a few people around.”
“We learned from the master,” said Danielle.
“I’m not sure I want to go to the reception,” Martha fumed. “She’ll probably show up wearing pasties.”
“Oh, Mother, don’t be silly,” said Danielle. “Carmen’s had her victory. She’s not going to ruin it with another stunt.”
“Everything is ruined already,” huffed Heather.
“What’s the matter with you?” Martha asked.
“That really cute guy, the friend of Jason’s, probably thinks I’m a slut.”
“Why are you talking foolishness? What Carmen did has no reflection on you,” Danielle told her.
“Yes, it does! You didn’t see the way he looked at Aunt Carmen.”
“If he gives you the same look, just slap him,” said Danielle, laughing.
“Oh, Mother, you are just so . . . so . . .”
Heather looked over her mother’s shoulder out to the parking lot. “Oh no! Mother?” Heather shouted, pointing, “What is “she” doing here?”
Danielle turned around, surprised by Heather’s outburst.
There, getting out of a cab was the infamous Kris.
“Kris!” shouted Danielle, heading toward her. “I forgot you said you might make it. Girl, did you miss something! You won’t believe what my sister—”
Danielle’s conversation had gotten out of range.
Now the Walnuts and the rest of the wedding guests got something else to ponder—Kris, a medium-tall woman with short, reddish-blond hair, a cute face, ample breasts, slim waist, round butt, and long, shapely legs. Her main attraction at the moment was the extraordinarily short skirt she was wearing.
“Oh God!” said Heather, disgusted. “If she starts to bend over there’s going to be a stampede of men and boys to get behind her.”
*
On the trip from the wedding to the reception, Wanda and John had stopped driving and gotten out of the car. They were sitting on the side of a steep hill overlooking the ocean.
“What do you think of this place?” Wanda asked John.
“It is quite a sight. I have always enjoyed oceans.”
“That big monstrosity up there is where we’re headed.” Wanda pointed to a long, white, multilevel building that ran out on a rocky point jutting out into the ocean. “That old hotel,” she continued, “has been there for well over a hundred years, and was recently fully restored to the way it was in the fifties.”
The point started at approximately the same elevation as they were now sitting, about fifty feet up from the pounding surf. The road next to them ran toward the hotel, dipping slightly, and then continued up a hill to the inland side of the point. The entire point was twenty feet higher than the road. It gave the hotel a grand appearance, like a giant white ship heading out into the churning sea.
“So what do you think of the Walnuts?” asked Wanda.
“You do know how to enjoy yourselves.”
“It’s not all fun, you know, being one of them.”
“What is the difficult part?”
“I don’t know, it’s kind of hard to explain.” Wanda sat with her hands on her knees, contemplating. “Other people don’t take me seriously, for one thing, and I’ve never had a solid relationship. It’s annoying to realize that I’m a product of my parents, and the way they brought us up is probably the cause of our difficulties. Yet they’re still together, but we kids can’t manage the same thing. Do you know what I’m saying?” Wanda looked over at him.
“The Walnuts do not let anyone in easily.”
“You didn’t have any trouble,” she said.
“I am only a temp.” John smiled. “Your mother and father are a rare combination. I do not think that either of them would be so interested in maintaining a relationship with someone else.”
“You’re saying that they were made for each other?”
“I would imagine that is the reason.”
“Yeah, that’s what Danielle says.” Wanda sat and looked out over the water. “But my parents get away with everything. No matter what they do, they walk away clean. Lucky bastards!” She was quiet for a moment, and then finally said, “Crap don’t stick to a Walnut.”
“From what I have seen, that seems to go for “all” Walnuts,” said John.
“We do get away with so
me things.” She stopped to think again. “But I still would like a decent, permanent relationship.”
“You just have not met your match yet.”
Wanda sat hunched over, deep in thought, and then suddenly straightened up.
“That’s it!” she said. “John, you’re a goddamn genius. There’s a guy out there that will love me just the way I am, right?”
“Definitely.”
Wanda squinted into the distance. “You know what?”
“What?”
“I feel sorry for him already,” she said and laughed.
“Why is that?”
“Poor bastard is going to have to be one screwed-up individual to be able to make a Walnut happy. Look at the head Walnuts.”
“As long as you do not point it out, he will have a chance.”
“Hey, you two,” Ricky shouted from the road above, and then started walking down toward them. “How are the gonads, John?”
“I am just glad he was such a small guy.”
“Yeah, that kid could have changed your life forever,” Ricky said and sat down next to Wanda.
“You recuperated yet?” she asked Ricky.
He shrugged and said, “Christ, how can anyone be so nuts? That crazy broad won’t leave me alone, and then she tries to kill me.”
“It’s a pattern with most of your women, or haven’t you noticed?” said Wanda, giggling. “Besides, “you” went and got “her”. And what were you thinking, giving a looney mushrooms?”
“But I didn’t, it was Ron.”
“He’s nuts too, as you well know.”
“Yeah, well, people should learn how to behave themselves because it gives drugs a bad rap,” Ricky said with conviction.
“What the hell is that guy doing?” Wanda pointed to a man struggling through the rough surf. He was heading out into the ocean, the water already up to his waist.
“Jesus that must be cold,” said Ricky. “I sure as heck wouldn’t go out there.”
The three stood up and watched the man go farther and farther out into the pounding surf.
“I think he’s in trouble,” said Wanda.
“Crazy fool,” said Ricky.
The man suddenly went under, disappearing for several long seconds. He struggled back up to the surface just as another wave immediately drove him back under.
“Crazy bastard’s going to drown!” Ricky yelled, racing down to the water with Wanda and John right behind him.
The man was struggling to keep his head above the water. Ricky flung his shoes off and raced into the rolling surf, yelping from the ice-cold water. With powerful strokes he swam toward the thrashing man, who went under again and stayed under. Ricky reached the spot where the man was last seen. He paused briefly, looked around, and dove.
Moments later he reappeared with the flailing man, who was grabbing frantically at Ricky’s clothes. Ricky held him off, then got behind him and grabbed him around the neck before pulling him back toward the shore.
Wanda and John had gone out into the water to help Ricky and the gagging man. The three pulled him onto the sand and flopped him on his back. The man retched and threw up water and bile.
“Maria!” he exclaimed, rolling over onto his side. He coughed up more water and called out again for Maria.
Ricky was putting his shoes back on and shivering from his plunge into the cold ocean.
The man was jabbering in Spanish and sobbing.
“What the hell is he whining about?” Ricky asked.
“I don’t know, I don’t understand Mexican,” Wanda said.
“His girlfriend, Maria, left him and went back to Mexico,” John told them.
“You understand him?” asked Ricky.
“A little,” he said, helping the Mexican stand.
He turned back to the ocean and wailed, “Maria!” and then pulled out of John’s grasp and started toward the water again.
“What the hell?” Ricky shouted, watching him stumble back into the surf.
When it was apparent that the Mexican was going back into the deep water, Ricky took out after him again. When they were up to their waists, Ricky spun him around.
“You crazy bugger, Mexico’s that way!” Ricky shouted and pointed back over his shoulder as the cold swells rocked them both.
“Maria!” shouted the Mexican, pulling away from Ricky and trying for the deep water, still babbling.
“What is your problem?” Ricky shouted. “If you’re trying to end it all, I’m not going to freeze my ass off trying to disappoint you.”
“No,” called John, “he wants to go get her back.”
“Not that way!” Ricky shouted, chasing after the Mexican. He pointed out to the ocean, which was now almost up to their chests. “No, ‘señor,’ no Mexico—Japan.” He pointed again and repeated, “Japan, ‘comprende?’ No Mexico.” Then he pointed over his shoulder and smiled. “Mexico, see?” Ricky said, jabbing his hand to the South.
“Maria!” he shouted again, at least now looking in the right direction.
Ricky pulled the sobbing Mexican all the way back to the edge of the surf.
“Mexico!” Ricky exclaimed, pointing south. “Take the bus, you idiot!”
The Mexican shouted once more, “Maria!” but this time headed toward the road and away from Japan.
“Boy, some people shouldn’t drink,” Ricky said as he walked up to Wanda and John. Together, they continued up to the road above.
“That guy probably would have drowned,” John told Wanda. “Ricky the Rat saved him.”
“Ricky is a scoundrel most of the time, but he will stand up for you when necessary.” Wanda laughed. “We’d better get to the reception. We don’t want to miss anything.”
“Are you expecting more fun?” asked John.
“Yes, this could be an extraordinary reception. John, did I tell you about the mayor yet?”
“No.”
“Oh, John, sharpen your pencil! The mayor of this dinky excuse for a seaside town is a Walnut “fanatic”! He started with Mother and is working his way down. His grandfather owned everything for miles around, and now he does. He’s a lecherous old bastard that doesn’t take rejection seriously.”
*
John and Wanda entered the hotel and were directed toward a ballroom in the back—the only part of the building up against the hill. It had been agreed that the reception should be held where the seventy-foot cliff down to the rocky seashore was inaccessible. Jed, Martha, Ricky, Heather, and Kris were already seated at a large, round table in the middle of the room.
Heather jumped up when she saw John and Wanda approaching. “John,” she said, “I want you to meet Kris. I told you about her.” Heather had a mischievous look on her face. “Kris loves traveling men.” She turned to Kris. “Don’t you, Kris?”
“Oh, yes,” Kris said, flashing a dopey look at John. “Have you gone far?”
Heather grabbed John’s hand. “Kris, this guy right here has traveled more miles than any man you’ve ever been with. I can guarantee that.”
“Oh, I just love to hear about exotic, faraway places,” Kris said dreamily.
She snatched John’s hand from Heather and pulled him back to her seat.
Heather looked proud of herself and sat down.
“Where’s Danielle?” asked Wanda.
“Mr. Mayor was waiting for her at the front door,” said Martha.
“He’s working his way down, just like I told John,” said Wanda.
“I hope she’s not going to embarrass me like the rest of you have,” Martha vented. After a moment, she grumbled, “What do you mean, “working his way down”?”
Wanda grinned. “Mother, he got his first taste of Walnut long ago, before any of us girls were ripe.”
“You just watch the accusations. I don’t want this event to be tainted.”
“Tainted?” Heather said loudly. “I heard people have been taking bets on whether the bride will have any clothes on at all when she gets here. Oh great,
here comes my mother.” She flopped back in her seat with a disgusted look.
“Heather, you be nice,” said Martha. “She doesn’t deserve that kind of attitude from her daughter.”
“Attitude? Grandma, there’s some old fart trying to grab her ass!”
Heather pointed to her mother, who was hustling toward the table ahead of a tall, well-dressed, elderly man groping at her behind.
“I’m sorry I couldn’t attend the wedding,” the mayor said when he arrived at the table. Danielle quickly selected a chair, not wanting to be ambushed by the mayor’s hands, which were too close to the one he had pulled out for her.
“Now, Harvey, you know Carmen has a problem dealing with you,” Martha said. “I didn’t think you would show your face.”
“Why, Carmen has never been angry with me. I resent that insinuation.”
“I didn’t insinuate that she got angry, Harvey,” she said, chuckling and leaning forward in her chair. “But for some strange reason, she starts laughing every time she sees you, right?”
“Your gorgeous daughter is just delighted to see me,” said the mayor, quickly turning to Danielle, “as is this even lovelier creature. Danielle, I fell in love with you the moment I heard you would be here.” The mayor slavered and reached for Danielle’s hand. “I’d always known that you would be the prettiest of the sisters,” he said, kissing it eagerly.
“Carmen had her wedding up here,” Wanda quietly told John, “because we used to live here when we were kids. My parents had this gorgeous old Victorian up on the hill, and we all have fond memories of this town. Carmen still comes up here regularly. Oh, and Mother had an affair, long ago, with the mayor there.”
Martha heard the exchange. “That is a load of crap!” she declared. “Harvey and I were just friends.” She turned to the mayor, who was now trying to get Danielle to sit on his lap. “Isn’t that right, Harvey?”
“Oh, Martha, you broke my heart when you moved away.” He turned back to Danielle and whined, “Are you going to break my heart too?”
He had put his arm around Danielle’s shoulder and was trying to position his twitching hand in range of a breast. She casually twisted in her seat and pushed her shoulder up to keep the hand out of range. Heather was watching intently and looked like she would pounce immediately if the hand found its mark.
“Harvey lured Dad off one day with the offer of a carload of prime steaks from one of his packing plants,” said Wanda, laughing.
“That was very expensive meat,” said Jed.
“Dad found out she had gone off with the mayor,” Wanda continued, “so he drove all over the county looking for them. The steaks thawed out and spoiled, and Dad was so mad—about the steaks—he locked her out of the house. Mother found an ax out in the garage and started to chop at the beautiful oak doors to the front of the house.”
The Walnuts Page 15
