“I know,” said Alex. “But you feel a connection, right?”
“Yes,” said Taryn.
“Okay,” said Alex. “Then that’s enough.”
“Can I be honest with you for a minute?” Taryn asked.
“You can be honest with me always,” replied Alex. This response warmed Taryn’s heart.
“I really hate what my life has become,” said Taryn, feeling a wave of emotion rush through her after she spoke those words. “It got away from me somehow. I thought I was chasing the thing I wanted, but when I got there it just turned out to feel like… nothing. I put in all this work and effort, and I’ve ended up close to forty, alone and just… hating myself. That’s what it is. Do you ever feel that? Do you feel like you hate yourself?”
“No,” said Alex with thick empathy. “Honey, no I never feel like that. I’m so sorry that you feel that way.” Alex stood up from her chair and she rushed over to Taryn. Leaning down, Alex hugged her tightly and held on.
“Thank you,” said Taryn, feeling a tear move to her eye as she returned Alex’s embrace. “I needed that.”
“I know things feel dire,” Alex said, coming back from their hug. She lowered herself down to the ground and sat at Taryn’s feet, placing her hand on Taryn’s knee. “But I promise you that you’ll figure it out. Nobody should harbor those kind of feelings about themselves. It’s not healthy, and it’s not right. I think that whatever is making you feel that way, we should work on getting rid of or changing or doing whatever we can to make those feelings go away.”
“Yes,” said Taryn, wiping at her eye. “I don’t want to feel like that anymore.”
“Tonight,” said Alex. “Will you come with me to this clearing further out on the property? We’ll go out there and we’ll meditate under the stars. I’ll do a guided meditation for you. I think it will help.”
“Yeah?” Taryn said. “You think it’ll help?”
“Yes, absolutely,” Alex affirmed. “We’ll go out there around nine, after the sun has completely set and the stars are out. I think being out there will feel very freeing.”
“Okay,” said Taryn. She smiled. “I’m in.”
“Good,” said Alex. She rubbed Taryn’s knee back and forth adoringly, and then she rested her head on Taryn’s leg. “Don’t worry, okay? You’re going to be fine.”
“Okay,” Taryn said again. Looking down at Alex, who was cuddling up against her—and in a way, coddling her—it made Taryn feel like it was going to be okay. Like she was going to be fine. In that moment, much of her internal negativity was assuaged and she desired wholeheartedly to live in this moment for as long as she could.
Taryn took a deep breath, and she absorbed Alex’s praise. She was starved for it.
Taryn’s hair was still subtly damp from a shower after dinner. She wore a pair of stretchy cotton joggers with elastic at the ankles and a loosely fitting long sleeve shirt, with flip flops on her feet. As she walked through the darkness, lit only by the moon and stars above, she looked slightly ahead of herself to catch a glimpse of Alex. Alex was leading the way, she too dressed casually and comfortably in billowy and loose yoga pants with a dark paisley print on them, a well-worn hoodie, and sandals. Over her shoulder was a large canvas tote with a couple rolled blankets in it. The chirping of crickets could be heard echoing throughout the night.
“It’s right around this stand of trees,” said Alex, looking back at Taryn with a smile. “Hey, why are you lagging behind?”
“Sorry,” said Taryn with a burst a speed to catch up with Alex. “I was just thinking.”
“That’s okay,” Alex said. She reached out and rubbed Taryn’s bicep, still sporting her contented smile. Taryn sheepishly returned the smile.
As they came around the tree line, the moonlight illuminated a clearing that had been purposefully carved out and mowed. It was a circle of grass among trees, with a large elongated stone pointed skywards, probably about five foot high with a three or four foot diameter base. Taryn looked at it with awe and confusion. Alex looked to Taryn’s face with a grin.
“Was this just… here?” Taryn said after a moment. Alex laughed.
“No,” said Alex. “We found it in the ground when we were tearing up one of the fields a few years ago. I thought it was just too cool to not do something with. It’s like a totem. I guess this is my little Stonehenge. With just one stone.” She laughed again.
“Yeah, I guess so,” mused Taryn. “Wow. That’s really neat.” The two women walked closer to the stone together.
“It’s some sort of granite,” Alex continued on as they approached it. Taryn put her hand out and touched it. “It was heavy. I had to hire a local farmer to move it for me because we just didn’t have the equipment we needed.”
“It’s so cool,” said Taryn, taking in the area once more. “It’s just a cool little hideaway, isn’t it?”
“It is,” agreed Alex. “It’s nice to come out here and meditate or read a book, or just think. It gets good sun, too, so if you’re looking for a private place to sun some of those parts that don’t often see the light of day, this is your spot.” Taryn gently laughed.
“I guess so,” said Taryn.
“Here,” said Alex, pulling her tote off her shoulder and dropping it to the ground. “Help me spread these blankets out.”
Once the women had the blankets lining the ground, they sat down crosslegged close to one another and got comfortable. The position wasn’t one that Taryn often sat in—some sort of novice half-lotus posture—but she did her best to approximate the way Alex sat, which was in full-lotus. Alex looked supremely comfortable and chilled out, and it made Taryn feel a bit self-conscious that it didn’t come so easily to her.
“Just get comfortable,” said Alex. “Whatever it takes. You can even lay down if you like.”
“This is good,” said Taryn, adjusting her legs once more. “What do I do with my hands?”
“Anything you like,” Alex replied. “You can hold them thumb-to-pinky, like this,” she said, demonstrating her description. “Or just palm up on your knees. Whatever makes you feel the most comfortable, secure, and at ease. Just let the stress out, don’t worry about doing anything right or wrong, don’t judge yourself.”
“Okay,” Taryn said and nodded. “Easier said than done.” Alex laughed.
“That’s why it’s a continual practice,” she said.
Taryn adjusted herself once more in her crosslegged sitting position, and then she placed her hands palm up on her knees as Alex had instructed. She took a deep breath and told herself to calm down. Her mind often raced pretty quickly, and slowing down like this in an effort to meditate was not something she ever thought would be possible for her to do. But she believed in Alex—rather, she wanted to believe that this was all possible for herself—and she was prepared to do what she could to start on the path to peace.
“Now I want you to close your eyes,” Alex said in an easy and relaxed tone of voice. “Close your eyes and go inward. Listen to your inner voice as it speaks in tandem with me. Listen to it, and let it go. Any thoughts you may have, any worries, or fears, or criticisms, just simply hear them and then let them go without any further response or judgment from you.
“Your mind will wander off and it will tell you what it thinks. Simply acknowledge those thoughts and send them on their way. They do not define you, they do not control you. You are not your thoughts, you are not your fears. Acknowledge the thoughts as they come, let them go, and then come back to your center. Come back to the quiet and comfort of this place, of this moment, of my voice, and of our existence right here in this reality.”
Taryn breathed deeply as she listened to and accepted Alex’s words. Alex was right, thoughts did come and go in her mind. Often, they were made up of fears and worries. She worried that she would lose her job from her flakiness, that she would lose everything she had built. She feared she would never find love, that perhaps she was unlovable. But taking direction from Alex, Taryn
allowed these thoughts to pop up and she tried, as best as she could, to simply let them go and allow them to dissolve into the ether without any further conscious judgment.
It was hard to do. Really hard.
“I want you to feel the cooling breeze as it blows around us,” Alex went on. “Take a ride on it. The breeze cares not what people think about it. It just continues to blow in whatever direction it feels compelled to in this very moment. And such is our life. We change direction when we feel compelled to. If we force ourselves to blow in one direction, but our heart tells us we should be blowing in the opposite direction, there will be internal conflict. There will be disarray. But you can thwart this disarray with your own energy, blowing like the wind.
“Feel it in your toes. A cool tingle of energy. And watch it as it moves to your ankles, up your legs. Feel that sensation enter your thighs, up into your powerful feminine center—your yoni—feel it course through your pelvis and hips, into your belly, and up through your chest. The energy streams down into your arms and into your finger tips. It comes back to your elbows, to your shoulders, up along your neck and into your head. Let it rest there for a moment, until that energy exits through the top of your head and shoots up into the stars above us.”
Alex’s words made Taryn feel every bit of her body, just as Alex had laid it out. There was a cool tingling sensation moving through Taryn as Alex spoke—like Taryn could really feel it—and it was just as Alex described. Finally, when the energy shot up from Taryn’s head, it was almost as though she could see it happening, streaming up into the darkened sky and out into the universe. It was like nothing Taryn had ever experienced before.
A wave of thoughts came rushing into Taryn’s mind, a tsunami of random worry and fear and all the negative self-talk that had landed her in the mental state she’d been living in for too long. It hurt, hearing her mind tell her these things, but Taryn let it happen, she didn’t judge, she didn’t accept the thoughts as truth. Instead, she let them pass through her without reaching out and gripping to any thought in particular. They didn’t represent who she was right here, right now. They were nothing, and she was everything.
“Slowly open your eyes,” Alex cooed, her voice coming out of nowhere. Taryn obeyed without question, opening her eyes and once more seeing the calm evening transpiring all around her. She was buried in that clearing in the forest, among a sky filled with stars, and a beautiful smiling Alex sitting in front of her.
Then Taryn felt it. A few tears began streaming from her eyes and her face contorted into one of sadness. The emotional energy was overwhelming, and impossible to control. She had been so strong in her meditative state, lead by the caring voice of Alex, but now she felt a weakness return and it made itself known by the presence of tears.
“Oh honey,” said Alex, she scooted up next to Taryn and wrapped an arm around her in a hug, while her other hand caressed Taryn’s leg. Taryn rested her head on Alex’s shoulder and cried. It felt really good to let it out. It was cathartic and pleasurable, and even though she felt sad, she also felt incredibly happy.
“The stuff my mind said about me,” said Taryn. “It was just… so bad.”
“I know,” Alex said with care in her voice, her hand rubbing along Taryn’s back. “It’s okay. Your thoughts are not you.”
“Why do I think these things about myself?” Taryn asked. “It’s just not true. But it’s like… I can’t control these thoughts. Why are they there?”
“Your mind is trying to communicate,” said Alex. “It’s a warning. You’re not living in accordance with how you really want to live. You’re not living your authentic self.”
“I don’t know what any of that means,” replied Taryn through tears. “It just doesn’t make any sense.”
“It’s okay,” Alex said, continuing to cradle and console Taryn. “Just let out your feelings. It’s okay.”
“I really like you,” Taryn blurted out, feeling embarrassed by her admission but trying to be her authentic self, or whatever Alex had said. “I have feelings for you.”
“I know you do,” said Alex, her hand still moving up and down Taryn’s back.
“You know?”
“Of course I know,” Alex said with a smile. “It’s okay,” she said once again. “Those feelings are fine, and they are reciprocated.”
“Why, though?” asked Taryn. “What is there to like about me?”
“Everything,” replied Alex. Alex turned her head and she placed a soft kiss on Taryn’s head. This simple gesture warmed Taryn to her core, and where she had once felt like she was lost and lonely, she now felt like the entrance to the path had been illuminated.
Lifting her head up, Taryn looked Alex in the eyes—while Taryn’s eyes were pleading and needy, Alex’s eyes were accepting and loving. Taryn leaned in and she pressed her lips to Alex’s, the two women becoming entangled in a slow and sensual kiss, arms wrapping around one another, holding tightly as the light of the moon and stars lit the way. It was an emotive and fulfilling kiss, a kiss that felt like it truly meant something. It was the kind of kiss that Taryn had been after for a very long time.
A few days later, Taryn was in her room in the farmhouse. The entire house was quiet, but for the occasional creaking sounds coming from the floorboards whenever Taryn walked over them. The group had just recently finished dinner together, and everybody retreated for the evening. Taryn had gone to her room to grab a couple of things, after which she planned to head over to Alex’s yurt and spend the rest of the evening with her.
Picking her phone up from the nightstand, Taryn realized that the battery had died. She plugged the phone in and let it charge, before changing out of jeans and into some more relaxing attire. When she returned to check her phone, it had booted back up and on the screen were dozens of missed calls and unread messages. The icon on her email app noted that she had hundreds of unread emails. Just seeing this made her feel anxious and scared, so she simply held the power button on the phone down until it shut off once again.
Taryn knew she was abdicating the duties of her job. But she had put in for the PTO and it was due to her. She knew she would have to face the music eventually. She would have to call Jens and get yelled at. She would have to slink back into work and suffer the stares from her coworkers. They would probably mutter among themselves, ‘did Taryn go nuts? Where has she been? Why wasn’t she fired?’ Or maybe one of the messages on her phone was informing her of her termination, and she’d never step foot in that office again.
All Taryn could be sure of, in that moment, was that she was happy at the farm. She was getting more exercise than she ever had, she was feeling better about herself, and she was, of course, building something with Alex. There was plenty of money in her bank account to weather this storm for a while. Her mental health was more important than any job was, anyhow.
Traipsing through the yard as dusk settled over the farm, Taryn felt the grass tickle her toes through her flip flops. She passed Justine on her route, and they both wished one another a pleasant evening. It was calming on the farm, and even though there was always work to be done, life here just felt simpler and easier. Taryn could see now why this group chose to get together, buy this homestead, and build it up. It made sense for the life they were all trying to live.
Taryn approached Alex’s yurt and she opened the door without knocking. Smiling as she walked in, Taryn closed the door behind her and approached Alex who was standing in her kitchen area next to a camp stove, which she was using to boil water in a kettle.
“Hi,” said Taryn. She adoringly reached out and touched Alex’s arm.
“Hey,” said Alex. “Would you like a tea?”
“No thank you,” Taryn replied.
“No problem,” said Alex. Lifting the kettle from the burner, Alex poured an oversized mug full. A tea bag floated on top, and she used a spoon to tamp it down and submerge it.
The two women ended up sitting upright in Alex’s bed. It was the most comfortable plac
e in the yurt, and it was such a relaxing spot to hang out. The windows were open, and the outdoor sounds vaguely moved indoors along with a gentle evening breeze. They were talking, having a good time together, laughing jovially. Alex drank from her tea mug, and Taryn picked at a bowl that contained mixed nuts and dried fruit. She popped a cashew into her mouth.
“I was so scared when I did that,” admitted Taryn, chewing her nut. “When I went into his office and told him I was taking a long vacation, the confused and annoyed look on his face was almost enough to scare me back into my place. You have no idea the kind of pressure I’m under at work. The pressure to succeed, to make all the right moves, to make a lot of money. I knew how pissed my boss was when I took off. And I’m sure he’s very unhappy with me right now.”
“When I quit my job,” Alex conferred. “I already had the farm stuff chugging along, had this yurt built, still had a little money squirreled away. So I went into my department head’s office and told her I was giving my two weeks, thanks for everything, I’m out. It was liberating. I didn’t feel scared at all. I felt free.”
“That’s nice,” said Taryn. “I think you’re a particularly strong woman, though. We’re not all that strong.”
“I don’t know,” said Alex with a smile and a shrug. “I think maybe if you’re buried in a lot of commitments and responsibilities, or you live beyond your means with a lot of debt or succumb to lifestyle inflation, then it can be really scary to make big changes. But if you’re free from that, life opens up.”
“I admire your free-spirit,” Taryn said, grinning sheepishly. “But you’ve got to know you’re an odd duck.”
“I know,” agreed Alex. She laughed and nodded along.
“But I want to be like you so bad,” said Taryn. “I want to be just like you when I grow up.” This gave Alex an even bigger laugh.
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