by Anna Bell
‘Jessica, come on in,’ said a crackly voice on the intercom.
Jessica lunged through the door, feeling her heart racing in panic as she thought she was going to be late.
‘Come on up,’ said Dr Rosenthal, walking down the stairs.
Jessica followed her up the stairs to the attic of the brownstone and she settled on the comfortable-looking sofa that Dr Rosenthal pointed her to.
‘So, Jake told me a little of your state of mind. He says that you think you work with him. Do you want to tell me about it?’
Jessica launched into her story. She told Dr Rosenthal how she’d frantically gone to the hotel she thought she was staying in; how she then went to LMG Global and how Jake didn’t recognise her. All the way through her story Dr Rosenthal nodded and took notes and every so often she raised her eyebrows.
‘So, no one knew who you were?’
‘No one.’
‘Does anyone know you now?’
‘Well. It turned out when I went back to the apartment I woke up in, my friend Katie was there. And she said I lived there, and that I was married.’
‘Married?’
‘Yes, I’m apparently married to Benjy, a guy who I broke up with seven years ago.’
‘You were in love with this Benjy seven years ago?’
‘Very much so.’
‘And now you are married to him?’
‘Yes.’
‘Dream come true, then?’
‘Well, yes. But Katie’s different. She should be married with kids, and she’s single. And then I’m a teacher.’
‘And there’s something wrong with that?’
‘Yes, I’m a fund manager at a bank. A big investment bank and I make triple the amount of a teacher, and that is before I take my bonus into consideration.’
Dr Rosenthal took off her glasses and bit them. Jessica knew she wasn’t sounding like an endearing person.
‘So what was the last thing you remember before no one recognised you?’
‘I was supposed to meet Jake on Sunday night, but he cancelled, said he had an emergency. I left the hotel as I needed a walk and to get some food. I went to a bar, had a few drinks and some food. I met a guy at the bar and had some more drinks with him.’
‘So you cheated on your husband?’
‘Well, I didn’t realise I was married, and no I don’t remember doing anything with the guy. I just remember he was in a band, and we were flirting and we were doing tequila shots.’
‘Did you hit your head?’
‘Don’t think so.’
‘No headaches?’
‘No.’
‘So tell me about your husband; what’s married life like?’
‘Well, I’ve only had two days of it so far and it seems like... Well it’s a bit of an anticlimax. I always imagined that if I’d married Benjy we’d have this amazing marriage. But the truth is I’ve barely seen him, he’s got this band and his boys’ nights.’
‘I see,’ she said, without making any notes and looking directly at Jessica.
Jessica wondered what she saw, not liking the fact that she didn’t elaborate on what she thought. The whole process was unnerving in a way that Jessica hadn’t imagined it would be.
‘Go on, continue,’ said Dr Rosenthal, rolling her hands over each other in encouragement.
‘Well, that’s it.’
‘And what about Jake, how do you know him?’
‘Through work. I’ve been emailing him for months, we work for the same company. I work in the London office or at least I think I do, everyone else thinks I’m a teacher.’
‘And why do you think you work at LMG Global?’
‘Because I do. I had an interview there after university and I’ve worked there ever since. Jake doesn’t understand why I know the company and his business inside out, but its because I work there. Or I did.’
‘Ok. Let me see if I understand this. You’re saying that up until Sunday you were a successful businesses woman, working for LMG Global.’
Jessica nodded frantically.
‘Are you in a relationship?’
‘No.’
‘Right, so you’re single. And you live in London?’
‘Yes,’ said Jessica, hoping that Dr Rosenthal believed her story and was going to offer her some amazing insight into what exactly was going on.
Jessica was edging further and further to the edge of the sofa, desperate to hear what was going on.
‘Then on Monday suddenly you live in New York, you have a husband and you are a teacher,’ she said, waving her hands around as if she was painting a picture.
Jessica was beginning to feel like a nodding dog from the back of a car. ‘So what is it, am I going crazy?’
‘Jessica, we don’t use those words here, no one is crazy. They just see a different version of what is real. Now I think I know what is going on with you.’
‘You do?’
‘Yes, it is simple. You are unhappy with your life. Disillusioned and upset that your life has not worked out as well as you hoped. So you have created a version of your life that you wanted to happen.’
Jessica couldn’t believe what she was hearing. How on earth had she made up her past? How could she have made up seven years’ worth of fake memories?
‘I don’t think that’s right.’
‘No, Jessica, I see it all the time. Girls who marry young, regretting the choices they made and they begin to fantasise what could be better about their lives. That is exactly what has happened to you, I guarantee it.’
‘But in my real life, I’ve often wondered what it would be like to be married to Benjy. I fantasise about him coming over to London and declaring his undying love for me. How have I made my fantasy life into a reality and why would I fantasise about my boring life? That makes no sense whatsoever.’
Jessica wondered what Dr Rosenthal’s hourly rate was, as whatever it was it wasn’t worth it. She’d come expecting not to have all the answers, but she’d at least expected to hear more than that she was disillusioned with her marriage. Jessica was excited to be married to Benjy and she was living in New York for goodness sake. If this was her actual life she couldn’t imagine why she would possibly be unhappy. And not to mention if she was going to create a life fantasy, surely it wouldn’t involve her working her arse off for twelve hours a day, surely it would see her in a world living with Hugh Jackman or someone equally as attractive?
Jessica huffed loudly. ‘But how do I know Jake, and about the business deals, if I’ve made it up?’
‘Well, people’s brains play tricks on them all the time, Jessica. Maybe you regretted not working for a company like LMG Global. Maybe you looked them up on the internet and you came across Jake. You could have been reading the Wall Street Journal. I mean, Jessica, the possibilities are endless. Over the years I have seen people absolutely convinced of a number of truths that in reality turned out not to be real. Our minds are powerful, they can play tricks. You have heard of the people who wake up out of comas speaking new languages – right?’
Jessica just stared at Dr Rosenthal, before looking round the small attic. She picked up the pillows next to her and started rearranging them and tidying them.
‘Look, Jessica, I know this is hard to hear, but maybe if you work through your problems with your husband, and maybe if you look at your career, you can change your life a little, put right the things that you think are wrong.’
Jessica picked up one of the cushions to her left and rolled her eyes, hoping that Dr Rosenthal didn’t see her. But it seemed nothing got past her.
‘I know you don’t believe me, but really, what are the alternatives? That you have fallen through a rift in the space-time continuum and that you’re from a parallel universe? Ha!’
Jessica jumped at Dr Rosenthal’s laughter. She was suddenly a little scared to be up in the attic office with this woman. Who was to say she wasn’t the crazy one? Ironically, Jessica thought that it had been the sanest thing Dr Ros
enthal had said since she’d arrived. A parallel universe, that was exactly what Jessica felt like she was in. Everything was the same in her life, apparently, up until seven years ago.
‘What I suggest is this: we perhaps have a few more sessions of just us, and you can tell me more about your life, and about your marriage. And then, perhaps, we can get both you and Benjy in and we can talk through your problems.’
‘Right, so I’ve made this whole thing up because I’m a failure?’
‘Jessica, I am not saying you are a failure. I’m just suggesting that your life hasn’t turned out the way you had initially hoped it would. You don’t look convinced.’
‘No, it’s just, I know so much about these China deals that Jake is working on, and I knew all these people at the conference party last night. I knew their dirty little secrets. How did I know that if I had been making it up?’
‘I can’t tell you after one short session, Jessica. We’ll have to go deeper. Who knows how long you’ve been crafting this version of events?’
Jessica needed to get out of the room. She couldn’t handle Dr Rosenthal any more. She knew that she wasn’t making it up; she knew that she wasn’t failing in her life. The life that she had was perfectly fine.
‘If you want to make an appointment with my secretary on the way out, I think I should see you early next week. Give you a few days to think things through, but close enough so you don’t get anxious.’
Jessica nodded. She’d make an appointment because Dr Rosenthal and Jake knew each other and Jake had been kind to Jessica. She could always cancel the appointment nearer the time.
She thanked Dr Rosenthal out loud and then silently thanked her for nothing in her head. She dutifully made her appointment for the following week and made her way down the stairs.
She got out on the street and took some deep breathes. She needed to let the anger out. Pacing down the street in no particular direction, she just needed to get as far away from that woman as possible. She couldn’t understand how she was supposed to have made this all up in her head. She didn’t have that level of imagination.
She walked around the winding streets of the village, knowing she was probably getting herself hopelessly lost, but she didn’t care. No one was expecting her; for once in her life she could afford the time to get lost.
Jessica wasn’t going to accept Dr Rosenthal’s interpretation. This wasn’t her life. She knew she hadn’t made it up. She’d just have to find a way to prove it to her and everyone else. Jessica was not a fantasist, she just wasn’t.
Chapter 18 – Jess Burns
Jess was in a foul temper by the time she reached the Waldorf Astoria. How dare that psychiatrist tell her she was stressed out and created an alternate version of reality. She didn’t have that much of an imagination.
She walked through the revolving door and marched across the lobby like she owned the place. Even the lift wasn’t going to get in her way, as soon as she pressed the button the doors parted to let her through.
It wasn’t until she stopped in the lift that she realised she had absolutely no idea where the conference was.
Luckily for Jess the lift stopped a few floors above her, and then again on the floor she’d been on last night. She saw the sign for the Henshaw and Houseman conference.
The conference was being held in the main ballroom and the first session had started twenty minutes ago. Jess couldn’t face going in late, she was terrified all eyes would be on her. She decided to wait until there was a natural break.
She paced down the floor of the Silver Corridor, with her phone in hand pretending to be busy checking emails, but really she was going over what Dr Rosenthal had said. Eventually, when she was in fear of bashing into one of the other people circling on their phones, Jess sat down on one of the chairs. She had to sit on her hands as they’d begun to shake in anger.
The few men around her continued to hover around and talk loudly into their phones. Clearly their business matters were too pressing to wait until coffee break.
The phone vibrated in her hand as she held it in her palm. It was a text message from Katie. When Benjy’s number hadn’t worked she’d just assumed that Katie’s wouldn’t either. She didn’t even think to check her phone to see if her number was stored.
Jess immediately felt better: Katie would know what to do, Katie always had a plan. She just hoped as she opened the message that Katie didn’t live anywhere else but Manhattan, as she was just who she needed to see.
Katie
Hey Jess, hope the conference is going well. Let me know what time the lunch is and we'll come meet you. Maddie is so excited about going to FAO Schwarz. I'll bribe her with a Bob the Builder toy and then she'll be quiet for lunch. Can't wait to catch up x x
Who the hell was Maddie? Jess groaned out loud, attracting the stares of one of the loud businessmen who apparently she’d disturbed. She rolled her eyes at him; it wasn’t like they were in his office. Katie didn’t sound like herself, but she was still Katie. Now all Jess had to do was make it through to lunch.
Jess dug out the file she’d been handed at registration at the conference the night before. Lunch was at 1pm. She did a quick check of her watch, three-and-a-half hours of boring conference to get through first.
She quickly texted back.
Jess
Lunch is at 1pm, where shall I meet you? Can't wait to see you either X
Jess watched the loud man on the phone and tried to tune out his conversation, but he was far too loud and it sounded far too juicy. Whatever was going on it seemed like a big deal. Whoever he was talking to was being told very sternly to make sure that his contact was one hundred percent sure. And there was some insinuation of a grand jury.
‘We’re still on for publication on Friday, then? I’ll let you know how I get on.’ He hung up the phone and slipped into his jacket pocket.
Jess’ phone vibrated again.
Katie
I'll meet you outside the Waldorf. I've booked a table for us at a restaurant near by, I don't want you getting lost!
Jess quickly typed back:
Jess
Great x
Jess turned her phone on silent and put it back in her bag. The loud man looked lost now that he’d finished his phone call and he sat down a couple of seats away from Jess. He looked at his watch and then groaned, far louder than Jess had.
‘I think there’s another ten minutes of the presentation to go before the next one,’ he said in a matter-of-fact tone to Jess.
‘Great.’ She looked at the list of topics, and saw it was about investing in land in China. It sounded riveting.
‘I’m looking forward to that one,‘ said the man.
Jess smiled through gritted teeth; whoever this guy was he obviously needed to get out more if that sounded like a good topic.
‘I’m Tim Huffman, I’m from Clarity.’
Jess nodded, pretending she knew who Clarity were. Probably another big investment bank.
‘I’m Jess Anderson,’ she said for the first time without hesitating and making it into a double barrelled surname with Burns. ‘I work for LMG Global.’
Jess watched his eye’s light up; his pupils dilated and became as wide as saucers.
‘Well, I must say I’m eagerly anticipating your presentation tomorrow.’
Jess was desperately trying to forgot about tomorrow’s presentation.
‘At least that makes one of us,’ said Jess trying to make a joke.
Tim didn’t laugh.
‘I’ll be very interested to hear what you have to say and which companies you allude to. You know we’re working on research on a couple of the energy suppliers at the moment.’
‘Great.’ Jess smiled at the guy whilst wondering exactly who Katie was bringing with her to lunch. She’d never heard anyone called Maddie mentioned before.
‘Yeah, I’m looking forward to meeting the exhibitors later on this afternoon, too. Always good to get their side of the story.’
‘So are you speaking at the conference, too?’
Tim spluttered a laugh. ‘Oh no, I’m saving what I have to say for later in the week.’
‘Great,’ said Jess, still not following what was going on. She could have sworn he was laughing at her snidely. Before she could ask him anymore questions the doors of the conference room opened and a small stream of men and women filed out.
Tim stood up and Jess followed him into the room. He instantly recognised someone and stopped to talk loudly to them. Jess pushed passed him and was taken aback by the room.
She hadn’t expected there to be so many people. There were ten times more people than there had been at the drinks the night before. How an earth was she going to get up tomorrow and speak to this many people?
Sure, she did a lot of public speaking in her job, but speaking to eight year olds pretty much guaranteed that only half her audience would be listening. The other half would be too busy working out what they could shove up their nose so that they got to go see the nurse. Whereas she thought this was the sort of audience that would hang on every word, and would definitely let her know if she got anything wrong.
She looked around at the rows of seats to see if she could find a discreet spot to hide. She walked further and further to the back and then she spotted Jake.
She felt butterflies in her stomach and her cheeks started to warm. She was acting like a teenager. Since when did she get crushes on men? He was deep in conversation with the man next to him and he didn’t notice her until she sat down.
‘Jess, hey,’ said Jake.
‘Hey,’ said Jess.
