Bailey nodded. "You know, cops who snitch to internal affairs get a bad reputation."
"Well, that's better than being dead."
"Yes, yes it is."
Or is it?
Frank blinked, looking around the precinct.
"What is this?" Frank asked.
It was clean. Too clean. Police stations didn't smell like this.
"This isn't right." Frank frowned.
People walked past. They all looked familiar, but they all… didn't.
They walked through Frank like he wasn't there.
Some of them looked darker. Wispier. They had an angry face under their face.
Others looked bright, but the light was hidden inside them.
Captain Channing wasn't anywhere to be seen, but he watched the elevator in curiosity.
An unfamiliar woman stepped out. She glowed very bright, but then, his eyes went wide when he saw the person she was with.
He recognized Azura's face, but her light? It wasn't normal. She had strange glowing wings trailing behind her, but nobody else saw them.
"Am I dead?" Frank asked, bewildered.
"Gillard. Frank. You were supposed to be-" A voice said from behind him.
"Am I dead?" Frank reiterated.
"Oh. Right. Yes. Sorry. It seems your reaper was double booked. You missed the orientation." The woman sounded irritated. "Normally I run a very tight ship, I'll have you know. Don't normally get this sort of high level interference."
Frank blinked. "You're-"
"Death." The woman nodded. "Yes."
"Sorry, I was expecting-" Frank stammered.
The woman looked over her glasses frames, and up from her book. She wore a beige pant suit, and her dark hair was up in a proper looking bun. She gave him an amused smile. "Ah, yes. You were expecting the whole black robe, scythe, bone horse. All that cliche nonsense."
"Yeah, I was not exactly expecting the whole-" Frank gestured. "You know?"
"What? A woman? You're making sexist commentary about Death?" Death asked, unimpressed.
"No, no. I mean. You're like this teacher I had a crush on when I was in second grade. I wasn't expecting death to be… You know." Frank took a moment. "Beautiful."
Death looked back down at her book, bemused. "Nice try."
"What?" Frank asked.
"Everybody tries a game. They think there's some kind of rule where they get to play some kind of game, and if they win, they get to keep on living." Death said.
"What?" Frank looked bewildered. "No, no. I'm serious. You're easily in the top ten list of the most beautiful women I've ever met." Frank held up a finger. "And you said you run a tight ship. I wouldn't expect someone as neat and organized as you to gamble away your organizational system. I just have one question."
Death raised an elegantly manicured eyebrow. "Only the one? Let me guess. Where are you going?" Death looked down. "You weren't supposed to die for another 17 years. We had your flight to heaven booked. Unfortunately, you're part of a slew of cosmic trainwrecks that came about with a fairy godmother quitting her job, and her inclusion in your life has utterly messed with the previously forecasted series of events. I did file a complaint on your, and several others behalf, given that the fairy godmothers aren't supposed to interfere like this, but I didn't get a favorable response. You're still going to heaven, if you don't mind waiting for an empty seat. I do have some free express train seats to hell."
"I'll pass. That wasn't my question." Frank gave her a quizzical look. "How does a reaper get double booked?"
"Ah." Death nodded. "Well, the interference of the fairy godmother I referenced has escalated a serial killer's pattern. Normally, each serial killer gets a designated reaper as they go about their everyday actions, but your killer's was booked heavily. He wasn't supposed to take 7 lives. Only 1. It right mucked things up. Linda, the car saleswoman has expressed similar displeasure about the hold up, though I don't see what her problem was. It took less than an hour for a train seat to hell to open up. Bless the new express train. Makes unexpected deaths so much more convenient."
"Wait, so. This serial killer. They're up to 7 bodies?" Frank asked.
"It was 8." Death turned to look towards Azura and Bailey.
The Azura-like figure froze, and looked over her shoulder.
Frank raised his eyebrows. "She can see you."
"She's a fairy godmother. Of course she can." Death nodded. "She can see you, too."
Frank blinked at that.
"Are you Serious, by the way? Top ten?" Death gave him an uncertain look.
"Not quite above Angelina Jolie, or that girl from the insurance commercials who bought her own name tag, but up there." Frank nodded.
Death smirked. "I wish Persephone could hear you say that."
"Who?" Frank asked.
"Greek mythology. Hades' wife. Persephone." Death laughed. "Not one for ancient history, mister Gillard?"
"Any ancient history in which your beauty came second, Madame, is no history worth learning." Frank countered.
Death smiled a genuine smile.
"I like you, mister Gillard. You speak truthfully, and from your heart." Death chuckled.
"Well, all due respect, Mrs. Death, I'm dead. It's not like I've got anything else to worry about, at this point. Why bother lying?" Frank asked. He paused. "I don't even really have a heart to speak from."
"One case." Death said, holding up a single elegant finger.
"What?" Frank asked.
"You may have one last case." Death elaborated. "With Azura."
"I was hoping for one last date." Frank frowned.
"Mister Gillard, you are dead, and I am Death. I assure you this. There does not have to be a last date. Or a first date. People generally don't ask Death out on dates. I'm not expecting you to do so. I'm offering you one last fight, to put away the person who killed you, in exchange for your inconvenience with your afterlife travel plans." Death said, quietly.
"All due respect, ma'am. I'm not in any real hurry to get to heaven, if you aren't going to be there." Frank said, raising an eyebrow.
"I didn't say I would not be, Mister Gillard. Merely, that you're being held up, and I find that reprehensible." Death gave a slight pinkish blush. "But it is very kind of you."
"Kind, Death?" Frank asked. "That you graced me with your presence at all shows you to be the kinder of us."
Death looked away, with a shy grin. "Go on. You've got a killer to catch."
"Would you be terribly upset if I moved their appointment with you up a little bit, or is that going to upset your system?" Frank asked.
"How very kind. Nobody bothers to ask me those kinds of questions anymore." Death said, brightly. "But, rest assured, with the 666 express train leaving every 5 minutes, a soul headed down that way ahead of time won't do anyone any harm."
"How did they get so efficient?" Frank asked. "I always pictured Hell as bogged down by paperwork, and such."
"Oh, they got a lot of German engineers back in the 1940's, and they insist on the trains being on schedule, but it wasn't until that Jobbs fellow went down there, that they digitized their paperwork." Death nodded. “They process it on the trains, now. Wi-fi enabled expressways to eternal damnation.”
Frank was silent for a few seconds.
"That makes absolutely perfect sense. iHell."
Spooks and Sporks
I froze, as the magic in my soul curled up into a ball, and gave a terrified shriek. This isn't figurative or dramatic language. Certain magical or mystical entities have innate defense systems against magical entities that could fight back, if so inclined. Few were so readily capable of utterly defenestrating Fae of their magic, as Death, herself, and I was uncomfortably familiar with the feeling of her presence, having met her a couple times before.
I turned away from the desk full of paperwork, and closed my eyes, permitting my body to see only with magic.
Frank was standing there. Talking with Death.
She
was… Blushing?
I strangely felt like I was intruding, as I hastily turned my attention back to the paperwork.
"Something wrong?" Bailey asked.
"Just someone walking over my grave." Frank's ghost said, walking up, casually.
I looked between the two, then sighed, deeply.
"Come on, Bailey." I said, heading towards the elevator.
Frank followed us. This wasn't usual. Normally people who met Death didn't tend to hang around long. They had a flight to catch. Or a train. Purgatory was a bus, and I honestly couldn't tell you if anyone ever got off the bus to purgatory. Purgatory could just be veil busses, aimlessly traveling, never reaching their destinations. Very on brand for purgatory, if that were the case.
"What is it?" Bailey asked.
"What are you doing here?" I asked Frank.
"You told me to come!" Bailey exclaimed.
"I'll bet she did." Frank said, with a bit of a laugh.
The elevator opened on the top floor, and I led them both on to the roof, before pointing my wand at Frank.
It glowed briefly bright, and Bailey took several staggered steps back, looking at Frank.
"You're dead!" Bailey said, bewildered.
"I'm told you're familiar with that one from a very reliable source." Frank nodded. "So. You really ARE a fairy godmother."
"You believe in them?" I asked.
"I've got a dinner date with Death to plan later. Dying radically altered my opinion on what I will and won't believe." Frank shrugged.
"You're going… on a date. With death." I was absolutely mystified, and based on Bailey's silence, she was also stunned.
"She's a very nice lady, if we're being honest. Absolutely rocks that librarian from a 70's porno look." Frank nodded.
"So Azura wasn't fucking with me?" Bailey asked.
"I haven't exactly been keeping tabs on you two, so I don't know what Azura has and hasn't done with you, but it doesn't take a detective to notice how she looks at you." Frank chuckled.
I punched him on the shoulder.
Bailey tried to do the same thing, but her fist traveled through his shoulder.
"What-?" Bailey blinked. "How come you got to hit him?"
"I'm a creature of the veil." I replied. "Fae phase out of reality regularly, to travel to other places, or make travel within this realm easier. It allows us to interact with beings veiled from reality. Bogarts. Ghosts. Death. Any Deific entities who pretend to care that we exist. Spirit walkers. The homeless, whom others don't even notice."
"Did you follow any of that?" Frank asked.
Bailey nodded. "She's like old school 3-D goggles. I'm drawn in blue. You're drawn in red. I can't interact with you, you can't interact with me, but she can see and interact with us both."
Frank gave her a bewildered look. "So, you're the clever one?"
"Hey!" I exclaimed.
"Obviously." Bailey nodded.
"Bailey!" I shouted.
"Azura!" Bailey mocked.
Frank chuckled at that. "At least you two are a good fit. I was a bit worried that Azura would be next on the hit list."
"She straight up stared down the bad guy in her nightgown last night. I doubt that Death is taking her anywhere." Bailey crossed her arms.
"She could, if she wanted to." Frank retorted.
"Nuh-uh!" Bailey stuck her tongue out.
"Woah, break it up." I said, stepping between them. "We're not playing My wife is cooler than your wife today."
"Okay, but Death could totally take you one on one." Frank said, defiant.
"She actually fought that fight not too long ago, and Death lost." Bailey retorted.
"What?" Frank asked.
"I sort of kind of stopped Bailey from dying with true love's kiss, yes." I nodded.
"Wow, Noir. I didn't think you could love anything." Frank laughed.
"Speaking of things you love, someone blew up your stupid car." I told him, deflecting the subject.
"Not Jan!" Frank exclaimed. "Oh, they're so dead."
"Right." I nodded. "Except we don't know who they are, have no leads, have all almost died."
"That's just a speed bump, Azura." Frank crossed his arms.
"It's a little late to call 7 bodies a speed bump." Bailey added.
"We just have to-" Frank began.
"You're a little late to start quoting that country song about going through hell. Bailey, don't encourage his puns." I interrupted.
"I'm not going to hell. I've got a plane ride to heaven coming." Frank retorted.
"I always thought it was a stairway." Bailey blinked.
"Don't feel bad. Hell doesn't have an interstate system. They have really clever commuter trains." Frank shrugged.
"CAN WE PLEASE FOCUS?" I Shouted. "Frank, do you remember anything about who killed you?"
"I was very unconscious." Frank shook his head. "Last thing I remember was trying to figure out what clean clothes to wear, and then there was a sharp pain in my stomach. Several, actually."
"Nine. I saw the autopsy report." Bailey corrected.
"Well, excuuuuuse me for not remembering exactly how many times I was being stabbed, your highness. I was busy getting stabbed. Basic arithmetic goes out the window at the point where your large intestine decides to sunbathe." Frank snapped.
"You were actually stabbed in your small intestine, and liver." Bailey added. "You could have survived, but the last couple nicked your spleen, and there was a lot of bleeding."
"I WAS NOT PARTICULARLY PAYING ATTENTION TO THE EXACTING NATURE OF HOW I WAS BEING STABBED!" Frank exclaimed.
"You should have been. You might have been able to deflect the blade into an organ that is less fond of bleeding." I added, helpfully.
"THIS IS NOT MY FAULT, AZURA!" Frank said, looking shocked.
"Of course it isn't. Shut the hell up, and focus." I retorted. "Details about the killer. Not the stabbing of organs that have an affinity for excessive bleeding."
"Right handed." Bailey pointed out.
"Really sneaky. Didn't hear them coming." Frank added.
"Really good at stabbing?" Bailey suggested.
"And shooting." Frank added.
"And explosive making!" Bailey added.
I sighed. "That's information we've had already."
"Look, my strangely winged friend, it's not my fault that my murderer covers their tracks better than the person trying to uncover the details of my murder can uncover them." Frank crossed his arms.
"Hey, in her defense, she's the only one of the three of us to actually survive this nut job, so maybe you could show a little respect!" Bailey protested.
We weren't getting anywhere.
It was late.
I sighed.
"Bailey, we should get some rest. We can try again tomorrow." I said, annoyed. "And we should do it somewhere unexpected."
"Where do we go?" Bailey frowned. "We're having terrible luck with the not being killed thing."
"I… don't know." I admitted.
"Don't look at me, I'm dead." Frank shrugged.
"A hotel, then. Not a good hotel. A terrible hotel. Somewhere out of the way, where we can tell if we're being followed." Bailey nodded. "And turn your phone off, once we start driving."
"And your GPS." Frank added.
"I don't know how to tell you this, but my GPS blew up in my car this morning." I told him.
"Good. Thing was an annoying little bastard." Frank scoffed.
"We take busses." Bailey said, after a thought. "The skytrain connects to busses all over the lower mainland. We just get on. Get off. Pick a bus. Get off when it passes a hotel we like."
"We've had worse plans." I admitted.
"Like that one where you climbed into the back of a Chevy, and almost died?" Frank suggested.
"That time you forgot that you could fly, and cut up your feet on the roof?" Bailey added.
"Alright, alright." I held up my hands. "Let's just go."
"She sugges
ted we get in to city records. While in shock. Without a warrant." Bailey informed Frank.
"I'm not even surprised."
"Shut up.”
Day 3
September 2nd, 2019
To dream. Perchance, to wish
It was a simple plan. It wasn't full of weird tricks, or ploys. We just wanted a safe place to sleep.
Fortunately, as luck would have it, our simple plan actually worked. We awoke in a dumpy little hotel in the city of Surrey unmolested, unkilled(barring Frank, of course), and actually rested.
The very first step of the day(behind not getting murdered in our sleep) was caffeine, breakfast of police officers everywhere.
Shopping for caffeine with Bailey was a decidedly disturbing event. I was content with my coffee, 7 sugars, and a breakfast sandwich from the cafe attached to this convenience store, but not Bailey.
5 energy drinks in a can, 2 little energy shots, 6 lattes, one with two extra espresso shots, 3 protein bars, an apple turnover, a bag of gourmet jelly beans and a bottle of cola, later, I sat, bewildered, at the bus stop, at the speed with which the sheer amount of caffeine was being ingested.
The Canadian food and drug administration recommends no more than 400 mg of caffeine per day. Witnessing someone ingest 3 and a half times that much caffeine was approximately equivalent to watching someone eat an entire Chinese buffet, plates included. Worrying, depraved, and definitely not good for one's health.
Author's note: Please do not try at home. Serious injury and/or death may occur. Side-effects may include paranoia, feelings of anxiety, severe shaking, internal organ failure, death by blood pressure spiking, heart attacks, aneurysms, internal hemorrhages, belief you are Jesus, unexpected encounters with werewolves that aren't actually there, the permanent inability to sleep, excessive urination, death, also death, still death, and also possibly death
Frank didn't seem bothered by it. That was the truly bizarre part. He just sat there, between us, on the bench, watching the woman gorge herself on enough caffeine to kill any 3 professional race horses.
"That ought to do." Bailey said, brushing apple turnover crumbs off her face.
"I should bloody well hope so." I muttered.
"What?" Bailey asked, bewildered.
Fae Noir- the Murderer in Blue Page 8
