by Annie O'Neil
He didn’t want that feeling to vanish. He didn’t want her to vanish. But he would not be held responsible for crushing her dreams.
Lulu appeared at the top of the stairs, brandishing a book. “Kirri! Can you read me my story tonight?”
Kirri’s eyes sought Ty’s as if seeking permission.
“Maybe Kirri’s a bit tired, darlin’.”
He hoped not. He needed to talk to her. As they’d left work she’d told him that not only did the center in Vienna want an answer by tomorrow, so did Lucius. And then she’d turned on the radio.
“I want Kirri to read it,” Lulu insisted. “She does the kangaroo voice better.”
A smile lit up Kirri’s face and she put on a goofy voice and bounced up the stairs. “That’s because kangaroos are Australian.”
“Just like you!”
“That’s right!” She reached the top landing. “Just like me.”
Her eyes caught with Ty’s and in that instant he knew Kirri was in the exact same boat as he was. Desperately trying to make the very best decisions about her future. He saw affection and warmth and maybe even love in those eyes, but there was also that critical hint of reservation.
His heart bashed against his ribcage. He didn’t want to let her go. He was a better man when he was with her. A better doctor. A better father. That part had taken some getting used to, but she was amazing with Lulu. Particularly considering how difficult he knew it was for her to be with children.
He went to the bedroom door and watched as Lulu snuggled up to Kirri, who was stretched out alongside her on the butterfly quilt his mother had made for her a couple of years back. She looked perfectly relaxed and Lulu’s entire demeanor oozed contentment.
Lulu’s index finger was resting atop Kirri’s as she traced along the words she was reading, hopping up occasionally when the text shifted from dialogue to “Boing! Boing! Boing!”
It was a heartwarming moment he’d never thought he’d experience without feeling the searing pain of grief and loss. It was, of course, the kind of moment he thought he’d be sharing with Gemma. And now he would no longer be sharing them with Kirri.
As painful as it was, he knew it was the right decision. He would encourage her to go.
* * *
Kirri glanced up and saw Ty in the doorway. She’d been so engrossed in reading the story she hadn’t noticed anything other than Lulu’s little fingers resting on her own, and now the weight of her young body as she drifted off to sleep, using Kirri as a pillow.
“Everything all right?” he asked.
Perfect, she mouthed, and then said aloud, “Catch up with you downstairs in a minute?”
Ty nodded with a smile. A knowing smile. He’d had six years of moments like this. This was her first—and, boy, was it out of this world?
She glanced at the bedside table and saw a small framed picture of a woman holding a baby in her arms. Gemma and Lulu, she presumed. Tears stung at the back of her throat as she imagined how heartbreaking it must have been for Gemma to know she’d never have a moment like this. Reading her daughter a story. Having her fall asleep in her arms. Curling into her as if she were the safest person in the world to love.
Behind the picture she saw another photo that had been taped to the wall. It was Ty, Kirri and Lulu, each brandishing a bowling ball on that very first night they’d been out for barbecue. They were all beaming. Especially Lulu, who wasn’t looking at the camera. She was looking at Kirri.
She inhaled a bit more of the sweet scent of Lulu’s hair as she eased her down into a nest of pillows surrounded by a rainbow of cuddly toys. Not quite ready to leave, she knelt by the bed and stroked her silky dark hair, memorizing the freckles that ran across her little button nose, her cherubic smile and the dimple on her left cheek.
Moments like this felt like they were virtually impossible to give up. No wonder single dads were protective of their little ones. Who’d want to shoulder the burden of breaking their children’s hearts by introducing someone into their lives and only to take them away? Ty had taken quite a risk, letting her into their lives like this. It showed a level of courage she wasn’t sure she possessed.
She ran her fingers through Lulu’s hair and knew in that moment that she could definitely love a child who wasn’t her own. She could love Lulu. Probably already did. Love was love. Kirri would never have any idea what it would be like to love a child of her own, so why compare the two? Love came in all different forms, didn’t it? The love of an idea. A dream. Brotherly love. The love you had for a parent, no matter how unreciprocated or conditional it was.
She thought of the job in Vienna. Was it the final hurdle she must leap to grasp her father’s attention? Or would there be another and another, until in the end she would realize it had all been for nothing? Her father—and her mother, come to think of it—truly weren’t capable of that type of love. Selfless, generous, unconditional love.
Lulu nestled into her hand, making sweet little-girl sleepy noises as she did so.
Kirri’s heart felt as though it were being torn in two.
Maybe it was time to give up the childhood dream of winning her father’s approval. Ty’s family had accepted Kirri into their lives as easily as they would have welcomed one of their own. Couldn’t that be enough?
The only thing she wasn’t a thousand percent sure of was...
“Hey, darlin’...”
Ty appeared again in the doorframe. His eyes dropped from hers to his daughter’s cheek, nestled in Kirri’s hand. His expression was more serious than she’d ever seen it.
“Do you mind if we have a little chat before you go?”
Uh-oh. She’d overstepped.
This was precisely why she’d never let her feelings run away with her before—because now that she’d had a taste of what her dream life could be like bearing the loss of it might be more than she could handle. No amount of research would ever make up for this. For Ty. For Lulu. For the life she now knew she desperately wanted to live.
She followed behind him, her heart in her throat, waiting to hear the words she’d feared hearing all along: I’m afraid this isn’t going to work.
* * *
Ty thought he’d experienced the definition of a hammering heart before now—but, no. He had not. If his heart didn’t watch it, it would punch straight through his ribcage and out onto the back porch.
“Everything okay?” Kirri asked as she sat down on the porch swing.
She looked as nervous as he felt.
He sat down on the swing beside her. “Fine. No. That’s not entirely true.” He stroked his fingers along her cheek. “I’ve never been better. Up until about two o’clock this afternoon, that is. Never been better.” He heard the emotion in his own voice and forced himself to carry on. “And I think you know the reason why.”
“Go on.”
Kirri’s features had softened with a wash of emotions that made saying what he had to a thousand times harder.
“I think you should go to Vienna.” He held up a hand when she opened her mouth. “As you know, we can’t offer you ongoing research here. Not the type they can. All I can offer is a post on the surgical ward, which I know isn’t where your heart is, so...”
Damn this was hard.
“If you really want to make those strides forward, it seems like Vienna’s the best place for you.”
His voice sounded like a stranger’s. The voice of a man he’d never want to meet.
“Fair enough.”
Kirri’s voice was barely audible. And it contained traces of a bitterness he hadn’t expected to hear.
“It’s what you want, isn’t it?”
“Of course.” She gave a strangled sort of laugh. “I can hardly believe I’m not on a plane right now. I was just...you know...fulfilling the criteria of our contract.”
Had he messed up? Got t
he wrong end of the stick? She’d just seemed so energized when the job offer came through. Jubilant, even.
“Look...” He took both her hands in his. They lay limply in his palms. “We will give you the highest of recommendations, of course. Not that you need them, seeing as you already have the job. I just want you to know that what we’ve shared outside of the office these past few weeks—”
Something flickered across her eyes that he couldn’t pin down. Before he could put a name to it she blinked and replaced her shocked expression with a bright smile.
“Good!” She pulled her hands out of his, rubbed them on her thighs, then gave them a clap together. “Happy to know I have your professional support.”
Ty began to flounder. Had he read her enthusiasm the wrong way? Surely this was what she wanted?
“If it was surgery you were after I’d be offering you a contract in a minute, but Piedmont isn’t the best place for you—”
She waved her hands for him to stop. “Please. I get it. You’re being very generous.” She popped on a very bad German accent. “I love schnitzel und kuchen. Vienna vill be amazink!”
She looked anything but happy.
“Kirri, please don’t think I’m saying this because I don’t believe in you. It’s not that at all. You know as well as I do that Piedmont isn’t the right place for the type of leaps you’re hoping to make. Vienna is—Japan is.”
Kirri abruptly stood up. “Yes, well... Lucky for me I like sushi, too.” She pulled out her phone and opened the app for a taxi.
A few deeply uncomfortable minutes later it arrived, and without so much as a backward look she disappeared into the night.
Walking up the stairs toward his bedroom, he felt like he was hauling boulders of grief. He’d just said goodbye to the woman he loved. Why did doing the right thing have to come at such a cost?
Lulu appeared in the doorway. “Papa? Has Kirri gone for the night?”
Worse. She’d very likely gone for good.
“I’m afraid so, little one.”
Lulu’s lower lip quivered. “Has she gone forever?”
Ty looked blindly out toward the street and silently pulled his daughter into his arms, so she wouldn’t see the anguish in his face. Something core-deep told him it was forever. And that it was all his fault. He’d just hammered a nail into a coffin he’d built himself.
* * *
“You were right. I was wrong!” Kirri shouted at her phone as she haphazardly threw a blouse into her suitcase.
There was no point in packing things nicely because she never wanted to look beautiful for anyone ever again. Not after this fiasco.
How could she have thought Ty loved her?
I think you should go.
The words echoed in a loop in her head. If only there was a way to turn it off.
He wanted her to go.
This felt about a million times worse than when her ex had dumped her all those years ago. Worse because now she knew exactly what she was missing. And Lulu! How could he have let her cuddle Lulu like that when he knew he was going to give her the brush-off?
Pure, unadulterated heartbreak. That was what she was feeling.
The only way he could have been more blunt would have been for him to say, It’s all been a mistake. So sorry. My bad! Here’s your ticket out of town—now go.
“G’day, Kirri.” Her brother’s voice was as dry as ever. “I see someone woke up on the wrong side of the bed.”
“Oh, stuff you and your niceties.” Kirri wasn’t in the mood for witty banter. In fairness, she wasn’t in the mood for anything except for crying. Weeping or raging. Those were her two options. So she’d chosen the latter and she was taking it out on her big brother. He was stoic. He could take it.
She threw in a pair of heels she never should have packed. Fancy nights out on the town. What had she been thinking?
“What am I right about?”
“Coming to Piedmont for research.”
“Why? I thought I was going to have drag you out of there kicking and screaming.”
He was. Right up until the minute she’d figured out Ty didn’t love her as much as she loved him.
“It was a set-up,” she snapped.
It wasn’t, but saying as much made her feel better.
“What? The thing in Piedmont?”
“Yes, the thing at Piedmont! What else would we be talking about?”
“Well...”
Lucius’s deep voice came across the line as clearly as if he was sitting next to her.
“I was thinking it might be about the reference request I just received from a certain biochemistry clinic in Vienna.”
“Oh.” She flopped down on the side of the bed. “That.”
“Looks like the opportunity of a lifetime.”
“It is.”
A sob caught in her throat. It was the perfect job offer for an over-emotional, highly charged, heartbroken Australian doctor intent on filling the baby void and now the love void with all-consuming research.
She scooped up a pair of socks from the floor and threw them into her suitcase.
“Kirri, back up. Will you please explain to me, as if I am simpleton, what the hell is going on? I thought you were getting on blue blazes there.”
Her heart was breaking. That was what was going on.
“I am. Well, on the surgical floor. Not so much on the research floor, which is why Ty thinks I should go.”
He also didn’t love her. If he did, he’d hardly be pushing her out the door, would he?
More tears cascaded down her cheeks. She didn’t even know why she’d called Lucius. It wasn’t like he was going to offer her any advice beyond telling her to come back and get to work. No. This was it. Her future was mapped out. She was going to become a lederhosen-wearing science nerd who ate cake for supper. And there’d be a cat. She’d need at least one prescient being in her life to care if she lived or died.
Lucius didn’t say anything. Her insides churned with frustration. If she was going to feel awful about this one thing then she wanted to feel awful about everything in her life. Get it all over with.
“Did he say that he thought your research was useless?” Lucius asked.
No. He hadn’t.
“He said he thought I should follow my passion elsewhere because this wasn’t the place to pursue it.”
A thick silence hummed between them.
“Oh, go on! Say it. I know what you’re thinking!” she said.
“I don’t think you do.”
“Well, I do. You’re thinking, Good. Someone else has finally had the guts to tell my sister to stop her research. It’s utterly pointless, so she might as well pick up her scalpel and get back to the operating theater, because it’s the only thing she’s any good for.”
“I think you might be missing a few critical points here, Kirri.”
She glared at the phone. Typical Lucius. Couldn’t he simply listen to her rage and then say There, there, everything’s going to be all right, like Ty would? Well, like Ty would have if she hadn’t stormed off and left him to get on with the rest of his life without her.
She sighed and said a conciliatory, “Like what?”
“Well, like the compliments he’s given you, for one.”
“What compliments? He said he invited me here never expecting me to have a breakthrough.”
“Really?”
“Yeah. Really. He expected absolutely nothing of me. Just like Dad.”
“Don’t compare other people to Dad.”
“Why not?”
Lucius’s tone darkened. “He’s in a league of his own.” He took a sharp inhalation, then continued before Kirri could speak. “I think what you’re missing is the big picture.”
“That’s exactly what Ty said!” Kirri interjected.
>
“If more than one person you trust is telling you the exact same thing, do you think perhaps it’s time to slow down and actually listen?”
She started to snap back a retort, then stopped herself.
Trust?
She trusted Lucius and she trusted Ty.
“So what did Ty say to you? Exactly. No embellishments, please.”
She saluted at the phone. So many instructions. Then again, he was the first person—the only person—she’d thought of calling when her life had crumbled into a million tiny pieces.
“Okay, fine...” She huffed. “Here’s exactly what he said.”
When she’d finished, Lucius intoned, “For someone so smart you can really be clueless sometimes—you know that, Kirri?”
“Well, thank you very much.” She sniffed.
“I didn’t hear anything in there about you being hopeless, or incapable, or any of the self-flagellating insults you’ve no doubt heaped upon yourself.”
“He said he wanted me to leave.”
“He said,” Lucius replied slowly, “that he wanted you to follow your dreams. He was being supportive.”
“How on earth does he know what my dreams are?” she all but bellowed into the phone.
Lucius started laughing.
Kirri’s hackles flew up another notch. “This is not funny.”
Lucius, still laughing, asked, “You’re in love with him, aren’t you?”
Her heart flew into her throat. “How on earth did you—?”
“Oh, c’mon, Kirri. No one gets that upset when one of the most prestigious physicians in the pediatric world says one teeny-tiny thing they don’t like. Does he love you?”
She choked out a no.
Lucius was silent for a minute, then asked, “Did he tell you as much?”
Again, she said no.
“Listen, K... It sounds to me as if he’s trying to do everything right by you. Whereas I bulldoze in and tell you to stop your research, he says if that’s what makes you happy go for it. If that isn’t love...”
