by S. M. Soto
His shoulders stiffen, and he turns to look at me. With a cold, detached look over his shoulder, I watch the tic in his jaw. “Don’t. I’m not doing this for you.”
Anger simmers just below my gut. “Who are you doing it for then, if not me?” Everything about his actions suggest otherwise. This is most definitely for me.
“Wouldn’t you like to know?”
He leaves without another word, and the second the door shuts behind him, I crumble, finally able to breathe without his presence dominating the room, practically stealing the air from my lungs.
I try to get used to the sensation of not having him around. The thought alone makes my heart twinge.
True to his word, I get the meeting with the orphan organization. I try to refrain from fidgeting in the office, as I wait to hear from Ava’s caseworker. I’m feeling antsy, nervous, and I can’t stop smoothing my hand over my hair, trying to make sure I look presentable.
If all goes right, I’ll be leaving here with a child. Well, not that quickly, but I’ll be that much closer. I’ll have the opportunity to change and make Ava’s life better. I can only hope it turns out that way. I don’t want to screw this up like I do with everything else in my life.
Today marks three weeks since I’ve last seen or heard from Baz. Any form of communication is made between Dan or his new assistant, Matthew. I give a silent thanks that he had enough sense to choose someone other than a woman as his new assistant. In that time, I’ve gone through the phases of my emotions, and now, all I’m truly left feeling is numb.
I’ve tried to stay busy with the house. He had most of it furnished, but left the little things to me, my own touches in my home. Something I never thought I’d have the opportunity to say, let alone have the opportunity to do. Technically, it doesn’t really feel like my own home because I didn’t pay for it. It is still hard to process that it is, indeed, in my name, and I do, in fact, own this property.
Dan even helped me start the process of child-proofing the home. Though Ava isn’t a toddler I needed to worry about getting into odds and ends around the house, there were still things that needed to be done. Baz mentioned to Dan that the state would likely want to see that I am capable of caring for a child. That meant a courtyard shielding our house, an alarm system, and a gate surrounding the pool in the backyard.
The house is as safe as it’s going to get, and I know everything about the next phase rests solely on my shoulders. It’s obvious they know about my past, and I know they’re going to take it all into consideration. Though Dan assured me that Baz has pulled a lot of strings and has done plenty of advocating on my part, that doesn’t necessarily mean I’m going to sit through this interview with flying colors. I am coming into this with low expectations. Do I hope I will leave here with good news today? Absolutely. Is that going to be the case? I don’t think so.
Even with all the prepping I’ve done for today, Baz has still found a way to infiltrate my thoughts. He’s always there, like a gaping hole in my chest, a missing part of me. I keep telling myself it’s best to move on and find my happiness, just as he urged me to, but it’s not that simple. He was always a part of that equation, and without him as an option, I’m solely relying on Ava for that happiness, which probably isn’t any better.
I’ve thought it over a lot and wonder if this is a mistake. Would she even remember me? If taking her in does become an option, will she even want to? That is what I am most afraid of, more rejection. I’ve dealt with rejection my entire life. It isn’t new; it is something I’ve come to expect in all aspects and forms of my life. I just hope with Ava, things will be different.
Every night, I spend much more time than is deemed healthy looking up anything I can find on Baz. Any new articles that can tell me what he’s doing. Anything to help me feel close to him. I’m long past the point of feeling pathetic. I am the poster child for pathetic.
All my searches told me that he was in Bali for work. Reports were then quiet on him for a week after. It wasn’t until mid-last week that he was spotted making his rounds back in LA. I prepared my heart for the possibility of seeing him in photos with other gorgeous women, but in all of them, he’s always alone, wearing that severe expression on his face.
That confused me. Why wasn’t he out living his life? Wasn’t that what he wanted, me gone, so he could do as he wanted freely? That didn’t seem to be the case, which only left me with more questions.
My thoughts dissipate the second the door opens and in walks an older woman, wearing a professional smile and holding a stack of files. My stomach dips, anxiety causing sweat to trickle down my spine uncomfortably.
“Ms. Wright. It’s nice to finally meet you. I’m Stacey Avalar.”
I stand and shake her hand, plastering on my best smile. Though I’m sure it comes off as more nervous than anything. “Likewise.”
“Most of the paperwork has been done, and the timeline of this process has been escalated, but as much as Mr. Kingston would like to throw around his money and pay outright for everything, adopting a child isn’t that easy. There are regulations, and I just want to make sure you’re a good fit for Ava. We appreciate the business and care Baz offers to the organization, so I’ve tried to expedite this process for you on his behalf.”
She starts opening her files, spreading out documents and pushing her glasses up her nose. I wring my clammy hands in my lap and actively try not to shake my leg. She starts by settling back in her chair and asking me questions.
“Sebastian has told me a bit about how you met Ava, but can you tell me more about the occasion?”
I clear my throat, my heart lurching at being put on the spot. Her eyes drill into me, just looking for a fault, so she can say no. “Well…” My voice shakes wildly, betraying just how nervous I am. “I attended the gala with Sebastian a few months ago, and I noticed Ava right away. She was so tiny next to the rest of the children there, and she looked so sad until she got a look at my dress. Her eyes lit up, and it was like watching her transform before my very eyes over a dress.” I smile fondly at the memory. “I decided to approach her. The attendant who was supposed to be watching the children at the table seemed more preoccupied by her phone, so I went over and asked if I could talk to Ava for a bit.” Her lips purse, obviously not liking how easy it was for a stranger to walk away with one of her girls.
“Do you do this often? Walk off with children?”
My stomach cramps. “No. God, no. I guess I just…when I looked at Ava, I thought of my sister. I had a twin who…” I pause, trying to word the circumstances surrounding my sister’s death correctly. “She passed away while we were in high school. When I saw Ava, I saw my sister, and it made me miss her. I longed to protect Ava, to see her smile just a little longer, because I’d do anything to see my sister smile again.”
I sniff back the pressure that’s suddenly building in my sinuses. Mrs. Avalar looks down, shuffling her papers, and when she looks back up, her eyes are much redder than they were when she walked in.
“You realize taking on a child is a huge responsibility. This isn’t a game of dress-up. This isn’t a coping mechanism for the loss of your sister. This is a life. A human being looking for a family that will love her.”
I nod. “I may not have the perfect family or the perfect background, but I know if given the chance, I can be an incredible parent to Ava, if she wants me. For years, I’ve gone around feeling lost, but I think I’ve finally found my place, and that’s here, offering my love to someone unconditionally. Caring for someone because I want to, not because I expect anything in return. I’d like nothing more than to do that for Ava, to bring a smile to her face every day, and give her the life she deserves.”
She nods after my speech, making a note of something before we move on to the next portion of the interview.
“Now, normally, we’d do this in multiple sessions, but I think we can knock all of this out today. Are you up for some quick quizzes?”
After three separate
quizzes and a handful of questions later, Mrs. Avalar sits back and smiles at me with a softness that wasn’t there in her eyes when she first walked in.
“I think you’re going to be a perfect fit for Ava.”
My heart gallops at her words, and my emotions overwhelm me. I place a trembling hand over my lips, trying to hold myself together. Mrs. Avalar blinks rapidly, clearing her own emotion out of her eyes. “Listen, we’re not officially finished yet. Now, all we have left is the home visit, and once your psych and health evaluations come back, we’re set. If approved, Ava will finally have a place to call home.”
“Thank you.”
She shakes her head. “It takes a special kind of person to love a child who isn’t their own, so thank you for offering to love Ava as if she’s yours. I’ll be in touch very soon, Ms. Wright.”
When I step out of the building, my first instinct is to call Baz and tell him the good news. I want to gush to him, tell him how nervous and excited I am. I want his advice. I want him to tell me everything is okay, but I can’t do any of that.
Instead, I settle on calling Kat and Vera. With tears of happiness streaming down my face, I tell them I’m going to be a mom.
I stand off to the side of the doorway, wringing my hands in front of my body, as I wait and try to be patient. Worry starts to claw at my chest. I wonder if maybe they decided not to go through with it after all. Maybe this wasn’t meant to be.
The second Ava walks through the door, and her bright little eyes fall on me, all my previous thoughts and worries fall away. My chest constricts, and for the first time in years, I feel complete. I watch it happen, the moment she processes this—her future. Her eyes widen and warmth fills my chest at the look of wonder and awe plastered all over her face.
Yes, I remembered, sweet girl.
Unexpectedly, Ava runs to me and throws herself in my arms, and right here, holding this sweet little girl against me who hasn’t had the best of life, I vow I’m going to give her my all. I make a promise to myself that I’ll give her the life I never had, filled with moments of happiness. Not heartbreak, anger, or retribution, just happiness. Things in my life may not have been perfect, but with Ava, I can give her what I wasn’t given. I can give her a good life, one she deserves.
I bend down, taking her into my arms. This feeling, this little girl in my arms, nothing has ever felt more right. Nothing has ever felt more like home than it does right here. She buries her face into my chest, and I rest my head on top of hers, breathing in her scent. Tears spring to my eyes because, for the first time in forever, I’ve found that little shred of happiness I’ve been searching for endlessly. I have a home I can build with this sweet girl. I don’t care that my heart is broken. I don’t care that I wasn’t able to succeed. I have her, and that’s all that matters.
There’s only one thing missing from this moment, and I try not to dwell on the possibility of him never being able to be a part of it.
After Ava and I share our moment, I show her around the house. She takes everything in with wide eyes. She seems just as awe-inspired as I was when I got here. This isn’t just a regular house. This is a house I’d never have been able to realistically afford in my lifetime.
“I know this is going to be a little weird at first, but I want you to come to me for anything, okay? We can change anything you don’t like.”
She smiles, her eyes still darting around, taking it all in. Finally, she shifts, glancing back at me. Her gaze rakes me up and down, and she pauses on my hair.
“I like it.”
I smile. “Thank you. But I think yours is better.”
My heart skips a beat when she grins because, once again, it’s like staring into a mirror of the past. She’s so much like my sister and me when we were her age. “So, is it just us two?”
The smile on my face dims just a bit at the question. I work a swallow. “Yeah, sweetie. It is. Is that okay?”
She smiles, putting me at ease. “Yeah. Can we play in my room?”
I laugh, loving that she’s more interested in her room here than she is about anything else. We head down the hall to her room, and I let her gravitate toward whatever it is she wants. Baz had the room stocked with books, clothes, and all the necessities, along with a few extras, but I went the extra mile and added a few other staples I knew my nine-year-old self would never be able to live without. She surprises me entirely when she heads toward the coloring station. She waves me over, and with a swelling, happy sensation in my chest, I take my place next to her on the floor and get to coloring with her. She’s a natural artist and creative to boot.
I learn quite a bit about my adoptive daughter that night. She’s a lot more like me than I imagined she’d be.
Being a parent is hard. Over the past week of having Ava in my life, it’s been a major adjustment but in the best of ways. On top of trying to make her feel comfortable, I’ve been trying to bond with her, find out what all her likes and dislikes are. It’s safe to say dinner has been an odd occurrence. She doesn’t like meat or vegetables. Apparently, she never has, which likely explains why she’s so tiny.
She also loves drawing, singing, and dancing. And not to be biased, she’s a triple threat. Her moves can use some working on, but her voice? It’s amazing. The kid is talented. Hell, she even draws better than I do. My stick figures are nothing compared to her works of art.
It’s been a learning process, but I wouldn’t change it for the world. This is the absolute happiest I’ve been in…well, ever. I’d like to say I was this happy with Baz, but I wasn’t. There was too much secrecy surrounding my feelings for us to ever truly let go.
Along with bonding and spending time with each other, we’ve done some school shopping, and with the help of Baz, through Dan, I’ve picked out an elementary school for Ava. Though, I can tell Baz was pushing the idea of a private school for her, there was just no way I’d be able to afford that. And even though I know he’d throw his money around and pay for it, if I truly want to cut myself off from him, this is what I need to do. I can’t depend on him for everything.
Since signing the publishing contract, I’ve been sent the money from my advance with minimal instructions. At my earliest convenience, I am to write my story, finish it, perfect it, then send it over to someone on their team, so they can judge it. I’m not sure how much I like that idea, but for whatever reason, Baz thought it was a good idea, so I am trusting him.
Blind faith and all.
“Where are we going again?” Ava asks, cutting through my thoughts. I grab my purse and keys off the end table. My hands tremble as I work to control my nerves. During the first week here, Dan dropped off a car, saying it was a gift from Baz. It was a sleek Tesla that felt much too fancy for a person like me to be driving around.
I refused to take it, at first, which turned into an argument of sorts, with poor Dan and Matthew as the buffers. Even though my pride was demanding I turn it down, I knew, deep down, I couldn’t realistically survive and raise a child without a car.
So, I went out with Ava in tow and bought the cheapest car I could find. Sure, it was junky and stuck out like a sore thumb in this neighborhood. It was also removed from my driveway the very next morning, courtesy of Baz. There was a part of me that was so thrilled he was paying that much attention to us, but another part was annoyed that he was still inserting himself into my life, even when he cut me off.
Which leads us to now. We are heading to Baz’s penthouse in that brand-new Tesla, where he is going to officially pass off the ownership over to me, again. That isn’t why I am nervous. It is the mere idea of seeing him again that makes me feel like I’ve just stuck my finger into the socket of an electrical system. I know I won’t have to deal with him personally—it will either be Matthew or Dan—but that doesn’t mean it isn’t possible I won’t see him in passing while at the resort.
“We’re heading to my friend’s house to sign some paperwork.”
“Is it your boyfriend?” she asks inno
cently, prompting me to pause midstride. I glance down at her, completely caught off guard by the question. When did nine-year-olds learn about boyfriends?
“He was my boyfriend, yes, but not anymore. He’s…he’s a friend now.”
She shrugs, content with that answer, and heads toward the garage like she didn’t just trip me up. I shake my head. I don’t think I’ll ever get used to the commentary of this girl. She’s an absolute joy to sit around with. I’ve learned a lot from her within the past week. About patience, about love, and about life. All the things you think I would’ve figured out by now, but instead, a nine-year-old child is the one teaching it to me.
When I pull the Tesla up to the valet section of the resort, Ava lets out a gasp. I glance back at her in the rearview mirror, only to find her eyes are glued to the looming structure of the resort.
“And I thought our house was nice,” she whispers, truly awed that someone would get to live here. It looks like a luxurious compound from the outside, so I get it.
I laugh. “Well, this is actually his business. He owns this place, and he lives on the top floor.”
“That’s so cool.”
I smirk as I get out of the car, heading around to her side to let her out. Just as I take her hand, I hear Dan call out to us from the entrance. His eyes soften as he takes in Ava and me. I’ve come to recognize that look as a fondness. Being the buffer between Baz and me, he’s around more often now than he was while I was staying here at the penthouse. Hell, he even stays for dinner sometimes. It helps, having someone tell me that I’m doing a good job, even when it feels like I’m in over my head.
“How are my favorite girls?”
I smile, glancing down at Ava who’s wearing a huge grin. “We’re good. Are we signing papers inside?”
He pauses, wariness flitting across his face. “Actually, there’s been a change of plans. Mr. King’s business meeting was moved, so he’ll be going over the paperwork with you today.”
