I didn’t miss Jase, because I was still pissed at him, I did miss seeing Bella and hearing her sweet little voice. That sucked, but what sucked worse was that I told a little girl I loved her and then fell off the face of the earth. I never wanted to disappoint her… fucking Jase!
My phone rang and it was a number I didn’t recognize, “Hello.”
“Hey Baby…” I hung up the phone immediately.
-answer your fucking phone Carly or I will come there and sit on your patio until you talk to me…Jase
-I won’t be here. Just leave me alone please…C
My phone rang again and I declined the call, three times as a matter a fact. I was pretty proud of myself.
-Baby it’s important…Jase
The phone rang.
“I am giving you two minutes more of my time, that’s it, and that’s being rather generous!” Firm, strong, setting expectations, a woman in control Jase. That’s what I am.
“I miss you,” he paused, possibly waiting for a response but he wasn’t going to get one. “I need to see you.”
“Look at a picture,” ha!
“I do, several times a day. Look when you get here, I have a hotel…”
“Not coming and definitely not ever going to happen,” I laughed mockingly.
“Why aren’t you coming? Did you have another fight with your father?”
I was pissed, very pissed but I was trying to teach myself to think before I spoke, let’s see how that works, “My relationship with my father is none of your concern.”
“Everything about you is my concern, Carly,” he was also trying to control himself, his voice had a bit of a bite though.
“No Jase, and I’m not going to get into…”
“I love you, you love me, stop fucking kidding yourself. You’ll…”
“Jase, I’m trying to be nice here. I’m also trying to…”
“Lie to yourself Carly? Is that what you’re trying to do?”
“No Jase, but I won’t let you do that either!” Okay, calm it down there Carly.
“Bella misses you,” he whispered into the phone.
“Don’t do that Jase. Not to her,” Or to me, or you. I felt the burn of pending tears and I stopped talking.
“Come, just for a few days. A lot has changed, Carly,” his voice was strained and I definitely could not deal with that.
“I’m going on a spring break trip with a friend. I can’t do this to me anymore, and I will not do that to your…”
“Fucking BRAD!”
“No not fucking Brad, fucking Jane,” my voice squeaked.
“Who is Jane, Carly?” he snapped.
“My friend.” I could not fight with him, “Jase, I need to go.”
“I have one minute and thirty seconds left Carly,” his voice shook in anger.
“Jase this is stupid, you get so pissed at me and I …this is not who I am Jase, it’s not. I can’t do this. I freaked out a delivery man the other day. I’m starting to hate men, I am turning into Mimi,” I heard him chuckle which made me smile. “I’m glad I knew you but please, no more…”
“Let me talk baby. You hating men is perfect, I am not going to lie. I know who the girl I fell in love with is and I know what I have done to you, and I promise I will more than make-up for…”
“Listen, you take care of that little girl and worry about being happy. The man I fell for was amazing. But I am going to step back, heal, and move forward. Everyone has a first love that breaks them and they get over it.”
“You won’t, I won’t let you.”
“You don’t get to choose for me,” God this was hard, but I was doing it.
“Where are you going on Spring Break? I’ll meet you, just three or four hours and…”
“I’m hanging up now,” and I did.
I shut off my phone and got in my car. I drove to the mobile phone store and changed my number. It was easier than I thought. Until I actually realized what I had done.
I had just cut ties with Jase Steel.
And it hurt.
~
We returned from Spring break and I was burnt to a crisp. I cannot begin to tell express how good it felt to not stare at my phone waiting for a call or text from him. I could relax… finally. My mother and I had more fun than I expected. She is, and always will be, my best friend. Jane and Mimi were a source of ninety percent of the laughs for the whole trip. We splurged and spent two full days out of six in the resort’s spa. Mimi grumbled about it the first day but then when Jose, the most beautiful Mexican man on the planet removed his shirt during a deep tissue massage, she looked like she’d died and gone to heaven. The look in her eyes when he pampered her for the entire day, mirrored how mine must have looked whenever I was in a happy place with…him.
We pulled into the driveway and Thomas’s car was there. Mom looked so happy, she must have missed him. When we walked into the house there were flowers everywhere. Mom gasped and covered her mouth.
“Hold up there beautiful, I didn’t do this,” Thomas looked embarrassed. “But I would have, if I knew it would have made you react like that.”
I grabbed one of the cards and opened it, “Jase.”
I threw it on the ground and went back outside and grabbed the rest of our bags. I walked into Mom and Thomas sucking face.
“I am going to bed. See you in the morning,” I am not sure if they heard me or not but I didn’t care and I am sure they didn’t either.
~
I looked at those flowers every day for a month. The first day my mother watered them and I asked her not to do it again.
“Why?”
“I want to watch them die.”
Yep. I actually said that.
And meant it.
They were a reminder of Jase, and I was going to use them as a focus. Each day they died, so would my love for him. Each day I woke and one was missing, I knew Mom couldn’t let them all die and she knew I needed to get through this in whatever crazy way I deemed fit. I was worse than those women in books, I was a freaking martyr.
~
The research program for the semester was ending. I had decided to spend the summer continuing to work with Thomas on it, there was no funding but it didn’t matter, what we were seeing was almost miraculous. Neither of us wanted to stop. Brad was going home for the summer. I was relieved because the hurt from Jase was lessening and I may just take it out on Brad. I could pull out some Jase Steel moves and have him wrapped around my finger. Of course that may mean I would have to do my hair, and maybe apply some make up. Oh and wax, I was letting that grow, trimming of course, but no wax, and ABSOLUTELY no creams.
I’d be entering my third year in college as a senior, yes, I over-did the course load but it was just the distraction I needed. I was also trying to get my mother to agree to let me take courses over the summer. She insisted I needed a break, and she was right of course, but I also needed to grow up and let my mom live.
Without asking permission, I called Dad and he sent me the money for twelve credits. He also sent me money for three months’ worth of rent. He was shocked I wanted to move out and I let him make assumptions that Mom and I were on the outs.
Mom was shocked as well, “No Carly, send him back the money…”
“My relationship with him is what it is. If it’s easier for him to feel like I need him for money than for a true connection, that’s fine. He’s my father, I love him. I also love you and I know you and Thomas need to move forward, you have already taken a huge step by telling Mimi,” I smiled and wiped away her tears and she laughed.
“You are my priority,” she raised her eyebrows.
“And you are mine, the heart wants what the heart wants right Mom. Thomas wants yours, and you want his.”
“He’s going to move in with both of us, Carly,” she shook her head, “I was going to tell you.”
“Are you kidding me? His house has a pool and is closer to town. This house is…”
“Ours, this hous
e is ours,” I understood how hard she worked for us to have everything we had, plus ensure I had no student loans and at twenty I was ready to become an adult. I would never tell her that of course, she would feel like it was her fault I felt this way and it wasn’t. Damn the woman should be proud, she raised a twenty year old in this day and age that was a virgin.
~
Mom and Thomas moved into our house, he sold his. He couldn’t break her heart either, and with the profit he made, he paid off her house, their house. He was amazing and smart, very smart. His golf night was on Thursday nights, Book Club. He said it was for her but I saw him almost sprint out the door as soon as they started filing in. I loved Thomas, and I loved that he loved my mother.
I even loved my little studio apartment, Dad’s three month allotment got me six months due strictly to the fact that I took a couple months, which gave Mom time to get used to the idea, and waited for the best deal. I was a five minute walk from school, so gas was not an issue and groceries weren’t either. Every Sunday I went home for dinner and every Sunday night I got a text from mom to check my trunk. Always full of groceries.
Jane and I hung out a lot and she always brought a movie or take out when she and I hung out at least three days a week.
My last week of school was finally here: I was graduating in the winter. The funds for Thomas’s research were depleted but he and I both felt we couldn’t stop. I wouldn’t ask for more money, and Mom and Thomas had enough saved that they had decided together that if I moved back home, we could continue, just until I got a job or we found funding. I moved back in the weekend before graduation. I was grateful to have experienced my own sort of dorm life for almost five full months. Jane took over my little pad and was happier than could be.
~
Thomas and I were going over findings waiting for Mom to finish grading finals when there was a knock on the door. I got up and answered it.
Sally Henderson stood looking at me, “May I come in?”
“Of course, Mom is still at work but she should be home any minute.”
“Carly there is no easy way to tell you this,” and then everything went black.
Thomas was so strong for me. He made phone calls, my father was his first. He told him that I was sleeping and as soon as I woke, I would call him. Cameron was next, then Mimi and on down the line.
Mimi walked in and her face showed obvious signs of tears, but she held her head high and asked Thomas and I to follow her. She opened the safe that neither of us knew of and pulled out paperwork. A will and a file from a nearby funeral home. Mom had planned her own funeral, it was paid for and planned to the last detail. Her instructions were for immediate family and very close friends only. She wanted to be cremated, she even picked out the Urn.
“Two days from today and after the service, we aren’t allowed to cry,” Mimi’s voice broke, “We celebrate her life and our time with her.”
“When did you do all this?”
“Years ago, after a year of working together. My file is now yours to deal with, Carly,” Mimi wiped a tear.
“Your forty two Mimi!”
“I KNOW!”
Thomas jumped, “Okay we need to…”
We cried and hugged each other and then I pulled Thomas into our embrace. After a few minutes he began to tremble, “I need to go, I need to see her.”
~
When we came home the house was full of food and flowers. Thomas and I just looked at each other for a few minutes, “How the hell did this happen?”
I started crying immediately, what else can you do? One day you’re sitting at breakfast, laughing and making plans to play a fucking board game and then a knock on the door and the whole world changes. She was my life, mother, and best friend all rolled into one. I had never really thought about why I knew she was the best mother… I just knew she was. She was patient, and loving, she supported me in everything I had ever wanted to do. There was always balance in our lives and I knew I was one of the two most important people in her life. She laughed at her mistakes and ours, a life lesson chalk it up and move on. She never pretended to be perfect and she didn’t have to. She was the absolute perfect mother for me.
The emptiness inside was immediate. I felt myself caving in, into a deep black nothing. I could survive anything because I knew I had her. Now… I had nothing, worse than nothing. I looked at Thomas who had started to finally break down.
“We’ll know soon enough,” I hugged him and we both sobbed.
We woke the next morning and did the same thing. Cameron phoned from the airport, I didn’t even know he was already on his way. But of course, he would be. I showered and dressed and came out and saw Thomas sitting at the desk they shared for almost a year now, he was crying and my shattered heart was breaking even more. He picked up his laptop and threw it against the fireplace and it smashed into pieces.
He turned around and saw me, “I can’t fucking do this Carly.”
“I know,” I started to cry again.
Tears don’t dry up, pain doesn’t go away, and hearts don’t heal from this kind of loss. I knew that for the rest of my life it would hurt this bad. Nothing could replace her… ever.
Two days would never be enough time.
Two lifetimes wouldn’t be, and if there really was a hell: I just found it.
I grabbed the broom and dust pan and turned to see him on his knees sobbing and whispering something. I assumed he was praying. I watched him wondering how he could talk to him right now. But when he was done he wiped his eyes and turned around and reached for the broom, “Please, I can do that.”
“Were you praying?”
“Yes,” Thomas cleaned up the mess.
“What made you smash the computer?”
“An email, we got funding, not that it matters now,” he cleaned up the mess and took the trash out.
When he came back in he took a deep breath, “We get through our allotted two days Carly, just like she instructed. We love her forever because there’s no other way, and we make her proud because she’s looking down on us now.”
“People who don’t believe don’t go to heaven,” I started walking away.
He grabbed my arm, “She believed Carly, and yes she did go to heaven. I know when you were younger you went to church. There would be no other place worthy of her. Your mother …” he let out a breath, “She’s in heaven, watching us.”
~
After the services, we went to the lawyers to read her will, everything was spilt fifty-fifty between Cameron and me. The house was Thomas’s. She still owned the condo in Jersey that Cameron was living in and we both thought we should keep it. Her old tenants moved out a few months after my escape from Barbie, and Cameron moved in. She wanted anything we didn’t want to be donated to Catholic charities. When the lawyer read that, Thomas looked at me and winked, which made me feel better.
We dropped Cameron off at the airport. On the way home Thomas asked me, “Where to kiddo?”
I laughed, “I have no idea.”
“Well we aren’t allowed to grieve now, just celebrate. Life is one big party, huh?”
I laughed, “Then I can’t go back to that house.”
Thomas pulled over and looked at me, “That house is just as much yours as it is mine. I don’t care what your mother said, I will not take your home from you.”
“Thomas it’s a house, she isn’t there. I just can’t go back now, not for a while.”
“So we sell it?”
“YOU sell it,” I reminded him.
“WE or it stays, making us both miss her. It’s up to you,” he held my hand.
“What are you going to do now?”
“Well she would kill me but I don’t think I could ever go back to that college either.”
“Alright, I’m confused.”
“The laptop incident,” he used air quotes, “We had an offer.”
“What do you mean we?”
“A company wants me to continue my research
but it would mean a big move. But it’s also big money, and I get to do all the hiring. When I applied for grants I never expected this.”
“Then why did you throw the laptop?”
“I have known you for two years Carly, I love you like I would my own. I wouldn’t leave you here, ever.”
“Let’s do it,” I smiled, “I love you too, Thomas.”
He pulled out and continued driving, “You going to ask where it is?”
“Sure where is it?” I looked at him and he frowned, “Jersey?”
“Yes… so take your time and consider wisely.”
“I don’t have to see him, I haven’t even talked to him in nine months, I am fine, let’s do it.”
“You sure?”
“Yeah.”
“When we get back can I use your Mac?”
“If you promise not to throw it at the wall.”
“We are going to get through this kiddo.”
“Yes we are.” We had to right? But when would it stop hurting?
12
-I wanna lick that little kitty…Z
I looked down and read the message and rolled my eyes glancing briefly up at Dominic, Abe, and Cyrus who were smirking down at their phones.
Zandor had sent a group message and was sitting in the large leather chair in DeLuca’s main headquarters in Prato, Italy. We were finalizing the last details for the research and development facility in New Jersey.
-Be careful that kitty scratches….Dom
Everyone looked down again
-I would have that hot little ass tied up, declawed, and trying to rub all over me in two fucking minutes…Z
-focus …J
-I am focusing on Shakira over there, I bet those hips don’t lie, well maybe on the bed with me fucking the hell out of her… or across my face…Z
-Dude, cut the shit—I’m getting hard just thinking about her…C
-She’s married…Dom
-Like he gives a shit…Abe
- I wonder if she can roll her tongue…right across my cock…Z
Everyone chuckled.
“Is there a problem?” Benito DeLuca was annoyed.
“No,” we all replied at the same time.
“Good, please give my wife the respect she deserves,” Benito sat back, “Proceed.”
Jase Page 12
