“Tell him to come over around two, that way he can stay for dinner,” she said.
“Thanks for not being weird about this, Mom,” I said and gave her a quick hug. I deftly maneuvered the conversation back to her, before she could tease me. “So how was your date with Gary? It can’t have been a very romantic date if you had dinner in your hiking clothes, all sweaty and dirty,” I said with a smile.
“I think that date comes next,” she said, tongue in cheek. “The hike was fantastic. We have a similar pace and we both stopped way too often to take pictures. We had dinner at a pub on the way home. A lot of people stop there for a beer and a bite after being outdoors, we fit right in,” she replied.
“So, it went well if you’re considering the next date,” I said, sitting on the edge of my seat looking way too eager. She didn’t seem to notice, or perhaps she didn’t care.
“Yes, it went well. I like him. He’s easy to talk to and communicates clearly. I never have to guess what he means. He’s the kind of person everyone gets along with,” she said a little wistfully. If I was hoping to get more out of her, it wasn’t going to be tonight.
She checked her watch, got up and told me it was time to hit the sack.
Chapter 33
Sam and I started spending more and more time together but hadn’t yet come out to the rest of our friends that we were becoming more than friends. We were enjoying life in our little bubble. There was so much I hadn’t known about Sam. Like the fact that he used to go fishing after school with his granddad and was so sad when he died that his parents had registered him in the after-school swim team program to keep him busy.
And I had somehow missed a million little nuances about his appearance. I always knew Sam was handsome, but I had taken his sandy hair, olive complexion, and brown eyes for granted. The more I looked at him, the more I saw. For one thing, his natural hair colour was chestnut, but the constant contact with chlorine had washed it out.
“I’d love to grow my hair to my shoulders,” he had said once, taking me completely by surprise. He explained that he kept it short so it was easier to put on the swim cap. Because he cut it so regularly, it was never coarse or dry the way other swimmers’ hair was. I loved to run my hand through it, feeling the shape of his skull, the heat from his head. I sometimes just let my hand rest on the top and said I was absorbing his genius.
In response, Sam would coil my long blonde tresses around his arm and slowly pull it out to admire the whirlpool he’d created before my hair went back to its perfectly straight curtain against my back.
“You’re like a mermaid, sitting on a rock, calling me to swim out to sea,” he said, gazing at me in wonder. His eyes weren’t merely brown. They were flecked with gold and took on a greenish sheen when he stared at me like that. It like he was leaving golden sprinkles wherever his gaze fell.
“I can’t be a mermaid, I’m not a good enough swimmer. But I do have magical abilities,” I replied and told Sam about my trips to the Castle, but I could tell Sam didn’t entirely believe me. I mean, he believed I was dreaming about it at night, but not the part about visiting during the daytime or about the others communicating through telepathy. He thought I was must have been napping those other times. Like when I was relaxing in yoga class.
Either way, the important thing was that he didn’t think I was crazy and thought it was cool as it was helping me do better in school and not worry so much. It felt good talking and opening up to each other, discussing our innermost secrets and desires.
In May, Mel started daily rehearsals at lunch and after school for the upcoming play. Julie started dating James, a guy from the robotics program. They were immediately inseparable and insufferable.
Meanwhile, I was crushing my schoolwork and exams and, because Sam and I weren’t playing kissy-face all the time, a lot of our time together was spent studying. We hadn’t yet gotten around to the first kiss, anyway. With finals coming up, and our hesitance about how we didn’t want to ruin our friendship, we were taking it slow. With my birthday coming up in June, we decided to come out to our friends before I had my party.
As a treat for nailing the regional math exam, Sam and I went to the movies on a Tuesday afternoon during the first exam week. Neither of us had an exam the following day and could afford to blow off some steam.
After the movie, we were walking hand in hand down Main street when we crossed paths with Mel and her mom. Mel was an excellent actress but the initial look of shock, then anger, she wore was real. Her gaze was fixed to our clasped hands and the heat of it felt like she was boring a hole in them with a laser. Instinctively, I let go of Sam’s hand, but he only grasped it more firmly.
“Hi, Mrs. Darby. Hi, Mel,” he said smoothly, plastering a smile on his beautiful face. He squeezed my hands and I did the same.
Mel’s face was immediately transformed into a vision of joy and benevolence. She rushed toward us and gave us a joint hug, kissing each of our cheeks.
“Look at you! I didn’t know you were dating!” she exclaimed as though this was the best news ever. Like I said, she was a great actress.
Her mom was uncomfortable and said, “it’s good to see you Sam and Clare. I hope all is well with your parents?” she asked, smiling as genuinely as she could.
With both nodded and replied with the usual platitudes.
“Good, good. We really must be on our way, Mel has an appointment at the orthodontist,” she said and started pulling Mel away down the street.
She turned and waved at us. “See you at school!” she said in a chipper voice, but her eyes were slicing us apart.
On the way home, I was a nervous wreck. “She’s going to tell Julie and then we’ll be in trouble. We shouldn’t have waited so long to tell them. I’m such an idiot,” I said, barely taking a breath between each sentence.
Sam let go of my hand and put an arm around me. “Relax, they’ll get over it. We’ve been friends forever, this won’t change anything,” he said. I leaned into him but couldn’t shake the feeling of impending doom. He was being naive. This would change everything.
When we got to my house, he hugged me tight and told me not to overthink this.
“And don’t try to do damage control, either,” he said, waving a finger in warning. “Let it unfold. Let Mel tell Julie and get her feelings out. Let her deal with Julie’s reaction. That way we can deal with both of them, together, once the bulk of their rant has passed,” he added as he started walking away. He blew me a kiss and made a call me later gesture. I caught the kiss and held it to my chest as I watched him walk down the street.
I went inside and responded to the automatic truancy message the school sent when we didn’t show up for the afternoon study periods. Mom was fine with my studying at home and it would save her the hassle of having to leave a message on the school’s answering service.
With that chore out of the way, I got dinner started as I stewed about the situation. Once the salad was done and the stuffed pork loin Mom had prepared was in the oven, I tried to focus on my science notes. I was itching to do exactly what Sam had advised against. With the oven running, I couldn’t go for a walk. I needed to fix this. I needed to do something.
Then I thought of calling one of the girls. Which one? April seemed like the best option as she might have dealt with a similar situation, though she didn’t have the same friends. January was the most optimistic and December was the most Zen. I went with April, but I couldn’t reach her. I tried the other two and got no response. I sighed in frustration.
I went to lie on my bed, cleared my mind as best I could, and tried to go to the Castle. Why wasn’t it working? At the sound of the oven timer, I gave up and went to turn it off. It was getting on my nerves. Taking the pork out of the oven, the smoke alarm started screeching and all I could do was yell at it to shut up. That’s when Mom came in.
“Are you okay honey?” she asked as I started to cry. She rushed over, torn between embracing me and shutting up the bellowing reminde
r she needed to clean the over.
She chose wisely, waving the cardboard in the air while I cracked the window open.
“What happened?” she said, stroking my back soothingly. “Did you have a fight with Sam?”
Through sniffles and sobs, I told her what had happened. She grabbed a tissue from the box near her desk and gave it to me. She brushed the hair out of my face so it wouldn’t get caught in my snot.
“Oh honey, you’re making way too much of this,” she said trying her best not to smile. “For a minute there, I thought you’d failed your math exam.” She went to the fridge to pour herself a glass of rosé wine. She shrugged out of her suit jacket and asked if I wanted to eat inside or out. I preferred to eat inside as the warmth of June had attracted the usual stinging critters.
We set the table and started to eat. Though we had perfectly healthy muffins for dessert, Mom asked if I wanted to walk to the ice cream shop after dinner. This was a sure-fire way of instantly improving my mood.
On the way, I told her what Sam had said and she agreed with his sage advice.
“Do you have any reason to believe either Julie or Mel have secret feelings for you or Sam?’ she asked while we waited on our order. Mom had chosen amaretto-flavoured frozen yogurt while I had asked for a chocolate-vanilla twist dipped in chocolate and nuts.
I thought about her question. Julie was still dating James and from the looks of their steamy make out sessions by her locker, I’d say it was safe to say Julie didn’t have any designs on either of us. As for Mel, she seemed really angry. There was nothing in her behaviour towards me that would lead me to believe she’d had a crush on me. And I’d never noticed any towards Sam either, though it was possible she behaved differently when she was alone with him.
“I don’t think so,” I replied, not one hundred percent sure.
“Well, then it’s a breach of trust. No one likes to be the last to know something. The fact that you were parading about town probably made her feel like you were ready for everyone to know but her,” said Mom, retrieving our treat.
Since we had things to do, we decided to eat on the way home.
“We weren’t parading in town, Mom!” I exclaimed indignantly. “We were just holding hands!”
“I know, I know. But you get what I’m saying,” she replied. I nodded and we walked in silence as we savoured our treats. I sighed in contentment and gave Mom a shoulder bump.
“Thanks, Mom,” I said.
She kissed my temple and replied, “anytime, baby girl.”
Chapter 34
That night I finally made it to the Castle. The yellow room was empty so I headed for the elevator that would take me down to the Teacher’s office. I could try calling her, but I was still full of nervous energy. I had followed Mom and Sam’s advice and resisted the urge to contact Mel and Julie. In fact, I had used the landline to call Sam before bed and didn’t use my phone or tablet at all to ensure my own compliance.
On the way, I crossed paths with a Guide. There was no way of knowing if she was the same guide who had presided over our last two ceremonies. She was wearing the same long, pale pink robe tied with a magenta sash. And, of course, she looked like an older version of me. I put her at a little over fifty. She had the same number of grey hairs Mom had, but that couldn’t be a very accurate measure of someone’s age.
“Hello, do you have a moment?” I asked her. She stopped, smiled, and said she had all the time in the world. I smiled in response. Indeed.
“I was going to find my Teacher, but perhaps you could help me. I need guidance. Should I make a formal request? Is there a procedure I need to follow?” I asked with as much reverence as I could muster.
“I am here, now, so that makes me your Guide,” she replied. She asked if I wanted to walk with her and I nodded. She led the way to one of the courtyard doors. The children were playing outside, and it was a treat to see all the mini-mes laughing and running about.
“When can I meet with the little ones?” I asked suddenly. She smiled fondly at the little ones playing in the sandbox. They were so adorable with their chubby hands and feet, wiggling their toes in the sand.
“When you are no longer part of a group, you will be able to access your younger and older selves,” she replied, pushing the coach doors leading to the outer grounds.
As we walked towards the lake, I told her about being unable to reach the members of my group or the Castle that afternoon. She nodded in understanding.
“Do you remember how you got here the first time?” she asked. I did.
“I was blissed out, basking in the sun,” I said.
“Exactly. Your vibration was high, and the Castle appeared,” she said. This was true. “How did you feel yesterday afternoon?” she asked.
“Worried about my friends hating me, then frustrated when I couldn’t reach anyone for help, then irritated about everything,” I answered.
“Did you notice how it got from bad to worse?” she asked, and I nodded. “Did you ever get a chance to look up the emotional scale on the internet?” she inquired.
I blushed and shook my head. It had completely fled my mind. Things were going so well and then I’d started seeing Sam.
“Don’t worry about it, but make sure you look into it sooner rather than later,” she suggested.
“I promise!” I replied.
We had arrived at my favourite bench and she suggested we sit and watch the ducks.
“Those were negative emotions. Anything below contentment will keep you from your Knowing and therefore from the Castle. That’s why it’s imperative that you take daily steps to maintain or raise your vibration,” she explained.
“Like what?” I asked.
“Like taking a walk, doing meditation, going out for an ice cream with your Mom,” she replied with a wink.
I had taken notice of such practices in the others’ realities but hadn’t actually taken steps to integrate them into my life.
“Things were going so well, I guess I took it for granted that I could come here anytime I wanted from now on,” I replied, hanging my head a little.
“It’s important that you understand that you didn’t do anything wrong. You weren’t being punished. If anything, you were punishing yourself.” She paused for a moment and smiled again. “Any emotion that is not based on love has to be based on fear. Do you know that feeling you get when you’re gripped in fear? Your throat feels constricted, you gut twits, your whole body tightens.”
“Yes! It’s like some giant is wringing out the joy from your whole body,” I replied.
“Exactly. Except you are the giant, twisting the hose through which life force, or love, is flowing. It’s impossible to think clearly when you are cut off from the flow of love,” she explained.
It made perfect sense.
“But how do I avoid getting scared, or angry, or frustrated? It might take years for me to master my thoughts and emotions like those Buddhist monks!” I wailed.
“You don’t have to master your emotions, or even monitor your thoughts. You need to get out ahead of it. You always attract people and situations that match your vibration. By starting your day with a high vibration, you’ll ensure you have a great day, every day!” said the Guide cheerfully.
“But I can’t be happy all the time, can I?” I asked.
“No, and you don’t have to. You just need to feel satisfied or content. Count your blessings, focus only on the things that are going well, and let the other things sort themselves out. When you have a bigger challenge, sort it out here, with us. Try out some solutions here before you try them out in your waking life,” she suggested. At my confused expression, she added, “we’ll teach you how to do that in time. But for now, when life throws you a curve, just go with it. It’s just a game and you’re here to win,” she said.
She got up then and started walking back to the Castle. When I went to thank her, I saw she had disappeared into the wind.
I sat for a while longer, enjoy
ing the sun on my face in the middle of the night.
Chapter 35
The next morning, I took a page from the sporty versions of me and headed outside. There was no way I could jog, but I could walk my favourite trail to the lake. Mom, already seated outside with her coffee, had raised a quizzical eyebrow at my shorts and sneakers at such an early hour.
“I’m going for an early morning stroll,” I said and left her to her meditative coffee sipping.
It was already warm, and I quickly shrugged out of my hoodie. I was happy I’d brought along my water bottle because I was parched in minutes. I was walking briskly as much for the exercise as for keeping this walk as short as possible. There would be no lollygagging today. I didn’t have to waste the day away to raise my vibration.
Just feeling the sun on my face, hearing the birds chatting it up in the trees, and smelling the pines in the woods was enough to put me in a good mood. I walked the trail that followed the lake but didn’t sit down. I’d been here last night! Besides, all the ducks were sunning themselves over on the dock before the boat attendant arrived for the day. I gave them a quick wave and was sure they all quacked in response.
When I got home, I was surprised to see a bike in our driveway. One inside, I saw who the owner was. It was Mel. She was eating a muffin at the kitchen counter chatting with Mom about the school play. The show was this Friday and she was very excited about it.
When she spotted me, she stopped talking and got up.
“Hi, Clare,” she said. She looked nervous and I didn’t know why. Maybe she’d tried to message me and, getting no response, decided to come here instead. I hadn’t checked my phone when I woke up.
“Hi, Mel,” I answered calmly, giving her space to say what she’d come to say.
“Do you want to ride to school on our bikes?” she suggested with a tentative smile. Relieved, I smiled too.
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