Therapy also opened my eyes. Words Paladin had said were what I wanted, needed to hear, but perhaps he hadn’t meant them.
For the past two years, Paladin has been my friend. My anchor. Always there when I needed him, but never going further than he should. Even if he hadn’t been warned off by Drummer or Slick, I don’t think he’d have acted differently.
But men have needs, don’t they? Needs that drive them, sometimes so strongly, they take even when it’s not offered. While I’d never dream Paladin would force a woman to give against her will, I still wondered how he could wait for me. Perhaps he was being discreet. Maybe there was a woman in town I didn’t know about, someone who was giving him what I was told I was too young to offer.
I eye the hangarounds who come to club parties with jealousy. Oh, Slick and Ella usually spirit me away before my tender eyes can see too much, but I’ve seen them arriving, wearing skimpy clothes meant to attract. How could Paladin resist them? He’s not a boy. He’s a man. It’s hard to believe he’s been true to his promise to wait for me.
My therapy sessions haven’t ended, but have just moved away from the crime that had been committed and how I was dealing with it, to pushing me to consider what I want from life. Making me question whether I’m right to keep Paladin tied to me. Is it really him I want? Or am I hanging onto a dream I once used to keep my spirits up, to prevent me falling into despair? Knowing there was someone who knew what had happened, but who could put it aside, saying he didn’t care about my abuse. Am I just frightened another man might reject me because of my past? Whereas Pal knows it all, and says he can ignore it.
The assumption of everyone here is that Pal and I will end up together. I’ve been starting to question whether that supposition is right.
Two months ago, the possibility of the removal of my safety net in the form of Slick and Drummer, led me to do some soul searching. I’m already sixteen, seventeen is approaching fast. Physically I’m probably ready. My body is that of a young woman’s now, not a child. Some states, and, according to Sophie, Wraith’s English old lady, the whole of Great Britain have sixteen as the age of consent. It’s only because of the place that I live that I’m not legally allowed to have sex yet. The Arizona citizen law having been used by Slick and Drummer to set the arbitrary date when they’d untie the leash that held Paladin back.
If I truly felt something for him, surely I’d be jumping with joy at the thought that the time when we can truly be together, had a chance of being brought forward?
Those demons residing in my head though, I can’t stop hearing their voices. While another teenager might take small steps toward womanhood, experimenting along the way, I had the veil drawn from my eyes far too early. In my head, sex hurts, it’s dirty.
I read Ella’s books when she’s not around. Women should enjoy sex. There’s even numerous mentions of battery operated boyfriends, while I can’t even face touching myself. I’ve no idea what an orgasm is, I’ve had sex. Too much sex. Yet derived no pleasure at all. In my experience men don’t need a woman to be willing or an active partner to reach their own release. Despite the words I’ve absorbed with my eyes, I can’t imagine feeling the desire that the characters find in books.
Then, there’s another thought that worries me, that maybe I’m just not turned on by Pal. Over the years, have we become too familiar? Even if I wanted to, is it now possible we could progress to lovers from just being friends?
Pal had shown no inclination to repeat, what had turned out to be a disastrous dinner date, after that one attempt at the Wheel Inn. On one hand, I could understand it. Who would want to go through that fiasco again? It was worse than being supervised in the clubhouse, every word spoken overheard, every gesture in clear view to be analysed. Slick might have agreed to us dating, what he’d done, was ensure we understood, in actuality, that wasn’t going to happen. So when Pal didn’t ask me out again, deep down I understood why.
On the other hand, my traitorous mind makes me question, had he found me a disappointment? I’d dressed up, thought I looked good for him, but maybe I’d just shown I was too young. He’s nearly five years older than me. At fourteen, when Pal was still a teenager himself, that hadn’t seemed to make much of a difference, but now he’s twenty-one, and I’m still in my teens. Had the way I’d presented myself betrayed the gap was too much of a difference? The delight I’d shown when we’d first arrived, a demonstration of my lack of experience. If so, going to Colorado will be a matter of duty to him, proving his dedication to the club, rather than to me.
Fearing we could be growing apart, when Drew arrived on the compound I was pleased there was someone else my age. It seemed natural to take him under my wing. There’s only a year between us, because of the schooling I’ve lost, we’re in the same grade. While we might not attend the same school, our education is one area we have things in common. I’ve taught him to play pool—his ignorance a source of amusement for us both.
I’m not blind or stupid, I know Drew feels an attraction toward me. He’s good looking enough, his Hispanic looks and colouring, his dark eyes and his tall lithe body wraps his affable yet serious character up in an attractive package. What girl wouldn’t enjoy such attention?
But he doesn’t affect me either. When his eyes focus on me, it doesn’t make me tingle, doesn’t make parts of me come alive in the way people describe in fiction. Maybe that’s all it is. Stories to enjoy having no basis in reality. Maybe it’s not just me. Or am I suppressing my reactions because of fear?
When I was first rescued from those men, I wanted a loving touch to erase what they’d done to me. Now years have passed, my memories trigger fear. I’m not sure I want any man to put their hands on me at all. The thought of being with Paladin, or anyone, scares me.
After the initial suggestion of Colorado had been brought up, I wasn’t sure what to do when I realised the emotion I should have been feeling wasn’t there. That instead of being excited that Paladin and I would have more freedom, I was frightened of having to confess and admit I didn’t know my true feelings. I’d been pleased when the subject seemed to have been dropped. Now, two months later, it’s being raised again.
“Next week’s too soon.” My eyes flick wildly between Slick and Ella. “I’m not ready.”
My sister wipes tears from her eyes. “Me neither. Slick, there must be something else we can do.”
Slick’s a strong man, but faced with two crying women seems at a loss. “I’m sorry. I don’t think it’s the right time for us to move, Ella. The baby… Don’t want to risk anything now. But Jayden, you can’t stay here. You wouldn’t be able to go to school, to go off the compound at all. And in the end, the Herreras might bring the fight to us, just to get to you.” He turns to Ella. “We’ve discussed this, darlin’. Agreed it was the right thing.”
“There’s something she’s not telling us.” Ella astutely replies to Slick, but her eyes are on me. “What is it, Jayden?”
I can’t tell them I’m having doubts about Paladin. Or rather that I can’t understand what I feel for him, if anything. It might never have been more than a schoolgirl crush, which would mean for years I’ve been leading him on. It’s crazy. Since I was first brought to the compound, all I wanted was him, now he’s being handed to me, I don’t know what to do.
“Jayden,” Slick narrows his eyes shrewdly. “Paladin is going with you. Someone you know and can trust. I’ll be happier he’s there, I know he’d give his life to keep you safe. But I also know I can trust him to step away if a relationship with him is not what you want. No one’s going to be putting any pressure on you, or making you do anything you’re not ready for.”
“I should hope not,” Ella snaps. “Is that what you’re worried about, Jayden? That he’d, he’d…”
“He’d never do what those men did, El. I know that.” I bite my lip, not wanting this conversation to continue, knowing I’ve got to step up and do the right thing. This is not the time to just think of myself. “It’s com
e as a shock, okay? I know it’s better for you to be here until you have the baby. I’ll go to Colorado, I’m fine. Really.” I’m lying through my teeth, while hoping they can’t see it. Forcing a lightness I don’t feel into my voice, I ask, “So, what’s going to happen? It’s a long way to ride on Paladin’s bike.”
Slick laughs, his hand covers mine. “Not asking you to do that. Ella and I will fly up with you. It’s only four hours with a brief stop in Denver. Paladin will ride up so he’ll have his bike with him.”
I frown. “Will he be safe, riding alone?”
A gentle smile from Slick at my concern for Pal. “A couple of brothers will escort him to Phoenix. After that, he’ll be out of the Herreras’ territory and safe to continue alone. Don’t worry about him, he can look after himself.”
Now my concern is for my sister. “Ella, are you okay to fly?”
“I’m just at the end of my second trimester, Jayden. The doctor said it would be fine.”
Once decisions are made, the time seems to zoom past. The day of my departure quickly arrives. My clothes and stuff I’m taking are packed, emotional goodbyes have been said, and Wraith’s waiting with the SUV to take us to the airport.
“We’re going to be fine.” Paladin’s packing a last few pieces into his saddlebags. “I’ll see you soon, okay? You want me to come to Hellfire’s when I arrive?”
“Slick and Ella are going to stay overnight,” I reassure him quickly. With my thoughts all over the place about what he’ll expect when he and I have the chance to be completely alone for the first time, I’d rather get settled in a new place without the added pressure.
He stares at me earnestly. “You’ve got my number, okay? You call if you need me.” Talking to me, he holds up his hand to Shooter and Jekyll who are waiting, obviously eager to get going.
“Pal.” I say hurriedly, wanting to get this out before he leaves, realising I’m being selfish. I’ll have my family with me helping me settle in. Pal’s going to a strange clubhouse all on his own. “If you want to talk, you call me too.”
His face softens. Approaching me, he touches my face. “Don’t worry about me. I’ll get in touch, and we can explore our new home. Think of it as an adventure.”
Then he’s on his bike, nodding at his brothers who’ll escort him until he’s put a safe distance between himself and the Herreras. As they ride out of the compound, and I realise Paladin’s in for a long twelve-hour ride, it hits me. I’d forgotten to tell him to ride safely. I want to run after him, worried something might happen on the road…
“He’ll be fine.” Slick puts a comforting hand on my shoulder. “He knows what he’s doing and will stay out of trouble.”
I hope he’s right.
“I’ll miss you, Jayden.”
I swing around to Drew and give him a quick hug. “You’ll be fine. I’m sure your sister will be too.”
He doesn’t seem so certain of that, but Wraith’s tossing his keys in his hands as though impatient. Slick helps Ella into the back seat, she waves at me to join her. Then, with one last round of goodbyes, we’re off.
It’s the first time I’ve flown. I’m unsure whether my nerves are for the flight, or for the unknown I’m heading into. We’re all relatively quiet on the plane, Ella sits next to me, Slick on her other side. She holds my hand, I don’t protest. It’s fairly easy to change flights, and then we’re arriving at our final destination.
I know Hellfire’s been to Tucson before, but I don’t know if I’d remember him. Slick, luckily, knows who to look out for. The man he approaches first with his hand held out, then with a manly hug and much back slapping, does look vaguely familiar, but older than I’d been expecting. He looks old enough to be my grandfather. His advanced years seems strange on a biker. There’s no one his age in the Tucson club.
A younger man, probably nearer to his mid-thirties like Slick, stands beside him. He looks stern and grim, until he spies my eyes on him, then he smiles. It transforms his face.
“My wife, Ella. And this is Jayden.” Slick introduces us.
“Hellfire,” the older man says, then indicates to the man beside him. “Demon, my son and VP.”
Ignoring the slight hesitancy before the word ‘son’, when I look closer I can see the familial resemblance. I shake both their hands politely, while thanking God Slick and Ella are with me, and I’m not meeting them alone. They’re strangers. Bet they’ll be fine once I get to know them. The VP, though, looks distracted and distant. When he glances at his father, he frowns. Inwardly I shudder. It’s not that I take a dislike to him, he just doesn’t seem to be overly friendly.
I find the car journey awkward. Slick sits up front with Hellfire, Ella and I in the back. Demon’s on his bike behind us. I’m wondering how they got their road names, the handles Hellfire and Demon not sounding particularly comforting, hoping the possible explanations going around my head aren’t the right ones. I don’t feel it’s my place to ask.
Pueblo. My new home. Pulling my sweater around me it’s hard to believe we’re in the same country. Tucson at this time of year is growing warmer. Here it must be twenty degrees cooler. The sun still shines, but there’s no heat in it. I hope the coolness of the weather isn’t an indication of the welcome I’m going to get here. The difference in the weather serves to emphasise how far away I’ll be from everything I’ve ever known.
I hadn’t put my phone back on after the flight. Remembering, I do so now. It immediately pings with a text.
Pal: Hope you had a good flight. I’m well on my way and safe.
His words remind me I won’t be alone.
Jay: Just heading to Hellfire’s house. I’ll text you later
I’m so very glad he’ll be here with me.
Chapter Ten
Moira
Two days earlier…
I’m failing miserably in my first lady’s duties. We’ve got the kids arriving from Tucson in a couple of days, yet I can hardly stir myself to do anything. Hellfire’s got the prospects sorting out a room for the new brother in the clubhouse, but young Jayden’s going to be staying here, and the house is a complete mess.
I hadn’t realised how much I’d let it, as well as myself, go until Hellfire walked in, and looked around him, his lips pressing together. “I’ll get a couple of the club girls to come and give you a hand straightening this place up.”
My eyes shoot to his, then I turn around, seeing what he’s seeing. Dust is everywhere, mess in every direction. “There’s no need, I’ve got it handled,” I lie.
“Nah, this place is too big for you to do by yourself,” his eyes soften as he contradicts me. “‘Bout time they did more than work on their backs.”
Why argue? I could do with the help. Hard to get myself into gear nowadays. Is that another reason he’s gone off me? “As long as it’s not Bella,” I relent. “I can’t stand her.” I’ve always had a feeling she’s after my man. Even in my presence she’s been all over him.
“Nah, not her,” he agrees quickly. Too quickly? “I’ll send Titsy and Sheila. They can help get the spare room cleared for the girl. Jeannie would jump at the chance to come over and supervise.”
“Not Jeannie,” I say fast. My memories lately have dragged up everything I wish could stay forgotten. Over the years, I’d managed to put to the back of my mind the part she’d played, but now, unfairly, the blame I attach to her has come back. That she counterbalanced her role in my downfall by getting Hell and I together, sometimes isn’t enough to stop me remembering it was her fault I’d been there in that clubhouse. I don’t want to see her. It will just bring everything back. Her concern seeing me like this will only remind me of her sympathy the morning after. No, now’s not a good time for her to be here.
I change the subject, before he can ask why I’ve so quickly dismissed my friend, by asking, “You sticking around?” It’s unusual for him to be here during the day.
“Nah, just stopped in as I was passing. I’ve got to go to Tits Up, wondered if you�
��d like to come for a ride? It’s a lovely spring day out there.”
“I’m alright,” I reply. You don’t want my fat ass unbalancing your bike.
Various expressions cross his face, I try to read them, uncertain whether it’s disappointment or relief I’m seeing. Giving myself a mental shrug, I try to pull myself together. “You got problems there?”
A quick shake of his head. “Nah. Taser’s got some ideas for redecorating. Just going to see what he’s suggesting. You used to like having input into shit like that.”
I did. Now I can’t be bothered. Why get involved in something I might not be here to see through? The time is fast approaching when I’ll have to confront him, have to find out the truth, whether the suspicions I have are right. One thing I’ve always known, Hellfire doesn’t lie to me. If I ask the question, he’ll respond. Trouble is, I can’t bring myself to hear the answer. I’m trying to find my backbone first. In the meantime, he’s spending more and more nights at the clubhouse, leaving me here alone to brood.
Too much time to think. Perhaps he’s doing it on purpose.
I leave the room, ostensibly going to check I’ve got clean bedding for the spare room once it’s cleared, but really escaping before the questions come out of my mouth, questions I’m not brave enough to have answered. It’s not long before I hear the sound of his bike fading into the distance.
Damn it. I tear my sweater off over my head. I’m hot and sweating all over again. Of course Hell doesn’t want to be around me. I’m a fucking mess. My moods are all over the place, I’ve no energy or desire to do the slightest things.
It’s probably lucky he doesn’t want to see me naked anymore. Apart from my sagging breasts, though initially I tried to convince myself it was my imagination, there’s been other symptoms of menopause I hadn’t expected. I was shocked when I first noticed my pubic hair had started disappearing, convincing myself for a time I was mistaken, until one day I had to admit it. What used to be bush is now bare. Hell’s always been a man who doesn’t like me to shave, now it looks like I have, with the benefit of no stubble, of course. I’ll be embarrassed if he ever sees me again.
Satan's Devils MC Colorado Boxset 1 Books 1 - 3 Page 9
