What the fuck’s going to happen? Will I lose my son? Will the club lose its VP? Will Demon want to throw down against me? Fuck, I worry about him so much. I might not have provided the sperm, but I was there every minute of her pregnancy, held back her hair while she was vomiting, went to every fucking doctor’s appointment. Saw my son first on a sonographic screen. He was mine from the minute I heard about him. Never let anyone think anything else. I loved him before he was born—not that we knew it was a him before then—didn’t matter to either of us whether the baby would be a boy or girl.
Christ, those first months with Moira were difficult. She’d wake with nightmares in the dead of the night. Took me weeks to get her to trust me fully, even though, by then, she was my wife. Blackie had caused so many issues, it had taken me a very long time to teach her what making love was all about.
Once I’d eventually been able to introduce her to my kind of love making though, she couldn’t get enough. We fucked like rabbits, anytime, anywhere. But once Demon was born, we both agreed, she was still young. One baby was enough. I wrapped my shit for the next few years until we were ready for our family to grow. Kennedy was the one we did right. Planned for, prepared for. I never treated Demon any differently, even when his sister, my true daughter was born. Not for one fucking moment. He was mine, in all the ways that mattered.
Mo wanted a big family, so I threw the condoms away. As the years passed we didn’t think it would happen. Didn’t bother us too much, we already had a boy and a girl. When she fell pregnant with Samuel after a big gap, neither of us could have been happier. But hell, if I expected trouble from anyone, my youngest boy would have been the one. He hadn’t gone off the rails, but a few times it had come close. He’s doing well now, and I’ve got to the point where I thought I could start to relax.
Demon. Well, he’d been the one to want to follow in my footsteps, and he’s doing one hell of a job. He’d become VP on his own merits, a good man to have at my side and at my back.
Or he had been. What the fuck is going to happen now?
I can’t go home. It’s not that I can’t face Moira, not that my heart isn’t breaking for her. I’m convinced Demon will eventually seek me out, and am determined it would be here he’d find me. Any harsh words spoken between us wouldn’t be in front of his mother. She doesn’t deserve that.
Knowing Jeannie was there and wouldn’t leave her alone however long it takes, I stay at the club. Checking in with my wife the next morning.
“Any news?” She answers the phone without a greeting.
“No, no sign. I’ve got the boys out lookin’ for him. He’s not been found drownin’ his sorrows anywhere.”
“Did, did you tell them?”
“Nah. Give me some fuckin’ credit. I told them we’d had a father/son argument, and I was worried. You doing okay, darlin’?”
A pause, then, a whispered, “I just want him to be alright.”
Me too. Me fucking too. “I’ll keep in touch. Call you as soon as I hear something.”
She promises to do the same, then I end the call. Placing my phone back in my cut, it hits me how long it’s been since we finished conversations with declarations of love. Too long. Probably time I should remind her. Probably a lot of things I should be doing and haven’t done.
The day passes, and there’s no sign of him. The next night is the second sleepless one I have. The following morning, I hear a commotion from the clubroom.
“Hey, VP! Prez has been looking for you.” Mace’s loud voice booms.
I take a deep breath, sit back in my chair, and place my hands palms down on the desk. I wait. I don’t have to be patient long.
The door opens, and I feast my eyes on my boy, noticing he looks ragged and drawn, as if he too hadn’t slept. I hate that it’s down to me he’s going through this pain. Should have burned that fucking record book, then he’d have never found out.
“VP.” I greet him, not wanting to trigger him by using the word, son.
“Prez.” He’s equally polite as he throws my title back. His expression is guarded; he’s giving nothing away.
He closes the gap between the door and my desk, then skirts around the edge. “Stand up,” he instructs.
I do. Knowing he’s going to take a swing at me. I killed his father after all. I deserve it. I let him live a lie all his life.
I tense, waiting for it, trying not to brace myself. I deserve the pain.
Time ticks on. Nothing happens. I glance up, my gaze at last meeting his eyes. Like the rest of him, they’re inscrutable. Then they close. When they reopen, he lets out a weighted sigh. His hands start to rise; I prepare for the blow. Which never arrives. Instead his arms go around me, hugging me too him, the extra inch of height he has over me giving him an advantage.
Stunned, surprised, I return his embrace, holding him tightly, having never expected to hold him again.
When his grip relaxes, now I can see emotion in his eyes, and moisture forming.
His mouth twists. “Got a lot to talk about. Got a lot to work through in my head. One thing I want to get out into the open is, Hellfire, you’re the best fuckin’ brother a man could ever have.”
That I didn’t expect. “Demon…” I start.
“Nah, let me finish.” He lets me go, and now walks back to the front of the desk where he pulls up a chair and sits. He waits until I retake my own seat. “You couldn’t tell me. How could a kid cope with knowing what his sperm donor had done? You gave me a home, and shelter, when you could have hated me.”
I stay silent, there’s nothing more to say.
“Have I got this right? Maybe need you to fill in the gaps.” I nod, indicating I’ll be happy to. “So, you and Mom? You were already an item?”
“Yeah.” I sit forward, placing my elbows on the desk. “Before, well, before, I knew she was the one for me. But I was a prospect. Blackie had strict rules, prospects, especially me, were treated like scum.”
“That’s why you’re easier on them? Wills has got a woman…”
“And I respect that. If that had been the way then, what happened never would have come to pass.” I pinch the bridge of my nose. “He was my, our, father, but Blackie wasn’t a good man. Though clever in many ways. After the steel mill closed, instead of moaning about it, he started the club. Yeah, the money came easily with the shit we were into back in those days, but he still worked hard. What really attracted him though, was the power that came with being sat at the head of the table. Thought he was the fucking king of the club. Thought he owned everyone in it, especially the prospects. He didn’t make my life easy because I was his son.” I huff a laugh. “That’s a fuckin’ understatement. He was downright nasty.”
“The brothers went along with it?”
“Most were just content having someone to lead them, make decisions on their behalf. Give them something to live for. If the club hadn’t been so young, maybe some of them would have stood up to him earlier. Furnace, I think, was becoming uneasy, but I wasn’t sure he had the backing of the rest.”
“They backed you, that night, though.”
“Jeannie had been itchin’ to meet a biker. Saw her friend, your mom, as her way in. I’d been dating Moira in secret for a while, already knew I was serious about her. Was going to officially claim her once I’d got patched in.” I shake my head. “If I’d dreamed for one moment she’d planned to come to the club that night, I would have made my warnin’ to stay away clearer. I’d told her it wasn’t the place for her, but not spelled out the reasons why. I was so close to getting my patch, it didn’t seem necessary. I had no idea she’d just turn up. She’d always seemed wary of bikers, and until I could give her the protection of being a member’s old lady, I didn’t want her anywhere near.”
“So why did she come?”
“Jeannie persuaded her. Told her it would be fun. Convinced her I’d be thrilled to see her embrace that part of my life.”
Demon nods, but his mouth twists. “Sounds just li
ke something fuckin’ Jeannie would do.” He’s grown up with her always being around the club. He knows her as well as anyone. Once again, he meets my eyes, swallowing hard before asking, “So, how did it go down?”
“When Blackie saw her, he read how much I cared for her.” I pause, gathering my strength to carry on, needing to make clear how powerless I’d been. The memories so fucking painful, to this day, it’s hard to speak about it. Especially to Demon. But he’s asked to know what happened, and he’s got a right to know. Too many lies between us, I’m not going to fabricate more. “I was on bar duty, Blackie ordered me to stay put as he decided to pull rank. Conned her he wanted to get to know her because of her interest in his son. Told her he was the prez, and that he’d show her the club. He did, but his tour was limited to his bedroom.”
Demon puts his head into his hands, I don’t bother to spell it out.
“He wasn’t discreet. It was clear what he had done. Moira ran off, she didn’t want anything to do with me. I wanted to go after her, but instead, Furnace called church, and, well, you’ve read the notes. It was the turning point for the club. I was patched in; he was voted out.” I pause, then scoff, “Seems everyone had become wary of him. No one stood up for him, or what he had done.”
He nods slowly, then barks a harsh laugh. “Been thinkin’ a lot, Hellfire. Think we’re alike, father and son or brother and brother. You did nothing more than I would have done.”
A weight lifts off my shoulders as I tell him the rest. I want nothing else hidden between us. “Mo refused to see me afterwards, she was too upset. I tried, but in her mind she connected me to my father, the man who had raped her. I didn’t get a chance to talk to her at all.” I’ve decided to tell him everything. “Until it became clear there were lasting implications. She was seventeen, Demon. If her parents knew she was pregnant, they’d have thrown her out. She had no support, no money to her name. When she needed funds for an abortion, she had nowhere else to turn.”
His eyes meet mine as the implications hit. If Mo had got her way, he wouldn’t be here sitting opposite me. “What happened to change her mind?” he asks through gritted teeth.
“Jeannie got in touch with me. She was after the money. Thought the club owed Mo, that it was responsible for the mess Mo was in. She was right. At last I was able to see her. I knew immediately my feelings for her hadn’t changed. Of course, I had to work hard. At first she put my renewed attentions down to guilt.”
“You persuaded her to keep me?”
I shake my head. “I let her see she had options. But we had to move fast. I got what I wanted, the girl I’d fallen for. Was able to claim her and walk her up the aisle within a few days.”
“How, how could you do that, Hell? Want the baby that rapist had put inside her? That’s what I can’t get my head around.”
“Mo didn’t want an abortion, not really, just couldn’t see she had any other way out. I was going to have that girl any way I could. It wasn’t her fault she was pregnant, or yours. I made the decision you were going to be my son, or daughter if that’s how it had turned out. Once I’d determined that, everything else fell into place.”
“You’ve treated me like your son for thirty-five years. You’ve never done anything to suggest I was anything else.” Demon’s eyes crease. “I’ve been racking my brains to find some way you’ve treated me different to Samuel or Kennedy, and I haven’t been able to come up with one fuckin’ thing.”
I shrug. “You’re my son. You always have been. Even before you were born.”
He draws his hands down his face. “I’ve always looked up to you, Hell, as a father, as my president. Now, fuck, I have no words. Not sure I could have manned up in the way that you did.”
“You would,” I reassure him quickly. “You’ve just never loved a woman enough.”
Suddenly he stands, so fast his chair rocks. His hands clench and open again, then repeat the action once more. “I can’t get my head around the man I thought was my grandfather, was my father and a rapist to boot. I carry his fuckin’ blood, Hell.”
I also get to my feet. “Boy, look at me.” I use the tone I probably haven’t resorted to since he was a teenager. “You’ve just said you admire me. Well, I’m of the same blood. Whatever bad our father carried died with him. You hear me?”
He stops pacing. He stares at me. He hadn’t looked at things that way. I might not have sired him, but we’ve got a strong link just the same.
Suddenly he laughs, and points at my whisky. As I get out another glass and top both of them up, he retakes his seat. “Man, this is fucked up. One good thing, I don’t need to change what I call you, Brother.”
That makes me chuckle as well.
“Should we tell anyone?”
I give it a moment’s thought. “Bomber knows, he’d always suspected, but he doesn’t think anything should change. Not unless you want it too.”
“Rusty?”
“Don’t know, but it’s possible he put two and two together back in the day, but we’ve never discussed it.”
He nods, slowly, a gentle rise and fall of his head. “The old members didn’t die easy; things were hard back in those days. You, Bomb and Rust were lucky to survive. The members who aren’t the originals know of it, but didn’t live the history of this club. They’ve heard of Blackie, but only as the deceased founder. Don’t see the point in telling them of his crime, upsetting the equilibrium in that way.”
“I’m thinking of stepping down.” I know I’m springing it on him, but it’s been going over and over in my mind these past twenty-four hours.
“What the fuck?”
“I’ve hurt you, Demon. Didn’t mean to. But now you have to face up to the fact I’ve been lying to you all your life. Can you still trust me?”
“Got any other secrets?”
“None,” I reply earnestly. “But the club is built on trust. If you, as VP, have any doubts in your head, then I can’t continue as Prez.”
He grimaces. “Not sure I’m ready to sit in your chair.”
“Truth, Brother? There’s something going on with Moira. Club’s made me neglect her, need to have some space to find out what it is. Invested thirty-six years of my life in that woman, it’s about time she came first.”
“She thinks you’re cheating on her.”
I feel my eyebrows rise.
Demon shrugs. “She asks me all the time. Not my place to tell her one thing or the other.”
Now it’s my turn to speak through gritted teeth. “I have never cheated on her. Never would, never will. Never even think about it.”
He gives a half-smile. “Think you’re tellin’ that to the wrong person.”
He’s right. I am. “She’s worried, Demon. First you’ve got to get the air cleared with her. She’s worried sick you’ll blame her…”
“She did nothing wrong. I couldn’t have asked for a better mom. You’ve both been amazing parents to me, Kennedy and Sam. Never gave me a clue I had another dad, or was conceived in such circumstances.”
I stand, pick up my keys. “Ready to go see her?”
He grins and follows my lead. “You bet.”
As I go to the door, I turn. “I was serious, Demon. Think about taking on the reins of the club. Bout time I handed them over.”
“Would need a club vote.”
“You think of anyone who’d challenge you?” I can’t, I’d brought him up right.
Demon’s quiet for a moment. Then he raises his chin. “I’ll think on it. But only because I agree Mom could do with more of your attention, not because I’ve lost faith in you as president of the club.” He pauses before opening the door. “Hell, we’ve cleared the air, but fuck. This is a hell of a thing to get my head around. And you passing the gavel over? Not sure I’m in the right headspace to give that any serious thought.”
Placing my hand on his shoulder, I wait until his eyes are on mine. “Hate that you’re hurting, Brother. Don’t bottle shit up. You want to talk? I’m here. Whe
re it matters,” I place my hand over my heart, “you’re my son.”
Chapter Twelve
Moira
Two days earlier…
I want my son. Home and safe. Slowly my tears dry up, I’m all cried out. Seeing Hellfire, with such anguish on his face, makes me realise it’s not just me or Demon who’s hurting. He looks like his life’s been destroyed. Which it has. Blackie has found a way to torment us from beyond the grave.
I hear the doorbell and Hell answer it, hoping he’ll send whoever it is away. I don’t want company. When I hear footsteps, I look up to see Jeannie and Bomber standing there in front of me. Bomber is watching me, wearing a look of commiseration, Jeannie has tears in her eyes. Her hands reach out to take mine.
We’ve grown apart, Jeannie and I over the past couple of years. Suddenly I see it’s my best friend standing in front of me. The person who was there from the start, the only one, apart from Hellfire, who knows everything. If it hadn’t been for her, I wouldn’t have had my husband all these years. It’s not her fault I’m losing him now, yet somehow I’ve apportioned blame to her.
Maybe it’s because she’s been so happy with Bomber, while Hell and I have drifted apart. Whatever, I know I’m pleased, relieved to see her.
“Want me to stay?” Bomber looks at Jeannie protectively, then at me. I see a slight warning in his eyes. Don’t hurt my wife.
Jeannie is staring at me, waiting for me to say something. I let my hands find hers and hold them tight. “Thank you.” It’s all I can say. Those two words conveying how pleased I am not to be left alone with my grief, showing my appreciation that she was ignoring all the awkwardness between us, coming to me in my time of need.
“I think we’ll be okay, Bomber.”
I quickly nod, reinforcing Jeannie’s words. I’ve no doubt Bomber knows everything. He’d have to be stupid, which he’s far from, not to have put two and two together thirty-six years ago. Even if he and Jeannie haven’t spoken about it. But we’ll keep up the pretence. I could talk about things openly with my best friend which I couldn’t if he were to stay.
Satan's Devils MC Colorado Boxset 1 Books 1 - 3 Page 11
