“Yes.” She throws me a quick grin as she confirms it.
“That’s a long time to be with one man.”
“That’s what you do when you make a commitment. We’re married, but I’m first and foremost his old lady. You know what that means to a biker?”
“Commitment to him, and the club.” I’ve seen that with Ella and Slick.
“Yes. To the club. Club’s part of the man, can’t take that away from him.”
“Why are you telling me this, Moira?” I narrow my eyes. I might only be sixteen, but often I feel so much older than that.
Moira’s head dips up and down slowly. “I won’t say I made a mistake marrying Hellfire, but if I had my time again, would do some things differently. I certainly wouldn’t have married so young. That’s my concern about you and Paladin. You’re only sixteen. From what you’re saying, you’ve been pushed together for years. Being a biker’s old lady isn’t for everyone. Seems you should use this opportunity to take a step back, consider if he’s really what you want.”
“He is,” I tell her sharply, not admitting I’ve been having doubts along the same lines. A knee-jerk reaction to her suggestion.
“Is he?” She drains her coffee and puts the empty cup down. “From what you’ve been saying, he’s always been your shadow. I doubt you’ve dated anyone else. Not had a chance to consider what you really want.”
I’m about to contradict her, to say there couldn’t be anyone that I’d like more. But something stops me. A notion she might be right. I don’t bother to tell her I’ve never dated Paladin either. That terrible night at the Wheel Inn doesn’t count.
“And Paladin? What’s his view?” Moira continues, but doesn’t give me time to answer, just carries on. “Hellfire told me he committed to a fourteen-year-old girl. Might not know you, Jayden, but I’m certain you’ve changed over time. Developed in both your body and mind. The girl he said he’d wait for, is she still the same? You, as you are now, are you what he expects and what he wants?”
I have changed, I know that. Grown boobs for a start, such as they are. I’ve become a woman, rather than a young girl. Have I emerged as the type of woman who’d attract Pal?
“The club girls. They’re going to be all over a new member…”
I look at her horrified. Paladin had showed no interest in the whores in Tucson. “Pal stays faithful to me…”
“Is that what he says, or the truth? He’s a man, Jayden. Face it.”
Whether he’s said so or not, and while sometimes I have doubts, mostly I believe it. But even if he was faithful in Tucson, maybe there’s a chance he wouldn’t be here, where I’m being kept off the compound, and have no way of knowing what he gets up to, and no Slick to watch out for me. I doubt whether any of his new brothers would let me know. The thought of him being unfaithful upsets me.
Having dropped that bombshell, Moira stands, collects both empty cups and rinses them. “I wouldn’t want you to rush into anything you weren’t ready for,” she says, staring out of the window. “I never expected to get married at seventeen. While I don’t regret the time I’ve had with Hellfire, I wouldn’t have married him so fast if I hadn’t had to.”
“You were pregnant?” I leap to the obvious conclusion.
“Yeah, Demon’s thirty-five.”
“And your other children?”
“Kennedy’s just thirty, and Samuel came along as a surprise. He’s twenty-two.”
The discussion of her children sounds a safer subject to keep to. “Only Demon went into the club?”
Her back is still turned toward me, but it doesn’t stop me seeing her nod. “It was in his blood.”
In her other son’s as well, surely? But I don’t say the obvious. Maybe she’s glad Samuel didn’t also follow his father.
Moira busies herself wiping down the already clean-looking surfaces. I sit biting my nails. In Tucson I’d be helping out with all the children, here it’s totally different. I’m not in the clubhouse, but in someone else’s home. Until I start school next semester, I don’t have anything I’m supposed to be doing. It’s a strange feeling. I’ve never felt useless. I miss Ella so badly.
As tears start to prick in my eyes, I try to get my thoughts away from everything I left behind. “Tell me about the club.”
“Hmm.” Moira pauses. “Much like Tucson I presume. There’s the members, prospects, club girls, hangarounds, of course, who come to the parties.”
“What about old ladies?”
“Well there’s me. Jeannie, she’s my age, was my best friend back in the day. She’s around the club a lot, keeps the girls in line. And then there’s Sindy, she’s married to Buzzard.”
“Any kids?”
“Nah. Single men for the most part.”
My lips press together. Doesn’t sound like the family club I got used to back in Tucson. I’d been expecting something similar, had been looking forward to getting to know the women and helping out with babysitting. I hadn’t realised just how different this was going to be.
“Do you go to the compound much?”
“Not as much as I used to. If I want to watch porn or fights, I’ve got the TV for that.” She’s certainly not making it sound attractive.
At last Moira puts the cleaning stuff away. “You want to go into Pueblo? We could go to a mall. Have lunch out?”
Paladin’s blown me off. So what else am I going to do? I agree.
It’s not long before we’re both ready and heading out. Despite Moira’s constant criticism of Paladin, which is strange seeing how she’s not met him, she’s quite good company. Treating me more like an adult than Ella and Slick, presumably as she’s got no parental responsibility for me. We go into town, I buy some new jeans—Slick had set up my own bank account—and Moira then led me to an Italian restaurant for food. As we ordered plates of pasta, I realised I was becoming comfortable with her. When she asked, it wasn’t intrusive, and I found myself opening up.
“It was a mall, like this.” I wave my loaded fork toward the window. “I was out with some girls my age. Mom couldn’t care less what I was up to, where I was or who with. There was this cute boy, Sy, he seemed to single me out. I was flattered.”
“What girl your age wouldn’t have been? How old were you then?”
“Just coming up to my fourteenth birthday. Sy and I, well, we kept meeting up, minus my friends. He made me think I was special.”
Her lips press together. “Giving you the affection you didn’t get from your mom?”
She’s hit the nail on firmly on the head. “Ella, well, she’s a lot older, but we’d been close, you know? But she’d stopped coming around. I didn’t know it then, but she was dealing with her own problems. I had no one at home.”
I continue eating. Therapy had made me see what had happened wasn’t my fault, but it’s good to know Moira’s understanding that too. That I’d been targeted, a young girl with a single mom who’d got fed up with being tied down with a kid. “After a few weeks Sy took me to meet his uncle. It was him who started buying me presents. Then…” My voice falters.
“He wanted payment.” She’s right. He had.
“He raped me, but tried to persuade me it was his way of showing affection.” Now I lay down my utensils. “Then the threats started. My mom might have become distant, but I never wanted anything to happen to her. They threatened to hurt her if I ever told. I had to do anything they wanted. I was drugged, don’t have much recollection of all the things that were done, but his friends…”
Her hand comes out and covers mine. “But you did tell, eventually?”
I shake my head. “Nah. I was too scared. Ella came around. Realised something was up. She already knew Slick, went to him for help, and the Satan’s Devils rescued me.” My brow creases. “I don’t know the details of what happened, but at least I was told the men who hurt me are dead. I do know that they were the Herreras, and that’s why they wanted to take me for revenge. Because they blame me for the deaths in their fam
ily.”
“It wasn’t your fault, honey,” her fingers squeeze gently. “Not your fault at all.”
It’s taken me a couple of years of therapy to get to the place where I can accept that, even now, some days I still can’t. “I know. But what they stole from me…”
She stares at me for a moment. “Paladin rescued you? That’s why you care for him so much?”
“That’s what I remember. He was a prospect then, patched in shortly after. When I got to the clubhouse, I was in a state, all I could recall was him carrying me out of that house. I, er, I sort of latched onto him. I didn’t want to let him out of my sight.”
“Clearly he didn’t want to let you out of his. He ever behave inappropriately?”
My jaw must drop. “No. Never. And Slick and Drummer, well, it would never have been allowed.”
She shakes her head. “Still think there’s something fishy about an older man lusting after a young kid.”
“He’s not that much older. He was only nineteen when I first me him. And he didn’t lust after me.” He’d always been the perfect gentleman.
“Not then, perhaps. But now?” I don’t understand. My face shows it. “You must have changed, honey. You must have grown up since then.”
I shake my head in confusion. “What do you mean?”
Her mouth curves and she winks. “You’re a pretty girl, a young woman. He’ll have the hots for you just because you’re female. But what about you? Does he make your heart race when you see him? You get tingles down your spine?”
I’m confused. “Nah, he’s Paladin. I…” My voice falters. “I don’t know what you’re getting at, Moira?” Then I scoff. “The things you’re talking about only happen in romance novels. This is real-life. Pal’s a good man. He’s a great friend. He’s always been there for me.” Even if there are reactions I should, but don’t get when I see him, that’s surely down to my past.
She looks down at her empty plate, her eyes widening slightly as though she hadn’t realised she’d eaten it clean. “Gonna say something, Jay, that you might not want to hear, but just think on it, alright? Man you’re going to spend your life with? Sure, he’s got to be your friend, but more than that. You’re sixteen now, in a short time you’ll be seventeen and of the age of consent here in Colorado. Boy’s gonna be expecting you to take the next step. But if you’re not looking forward to that, if he’s not the one who turns you on, maybe it’s not fair to keep him hanging.”
As she pauses to take a breath, my head is shaking. She’s wrong. Paladin’s the one for me.
“I’m not a virgin,” I tell her. “I know what goes on.”
“I know. That’s a pity. But what you were forced to do, you should never be made to, or make yourself do if it’s not what you want. All I’m saying is you’ve got space now. You can start a new life, make new friends. Let yourself see if it is Paladin you really want.”
Again, I shake my head. “Want is the wrong word, Moira. After what happened to me, I doubt I’ll ever want any man to touch me. But yeah, Paladin will probably expect it. He’s a man after all.”
Her face flushes as if I’ve said something to upset her. “Then he’s not right for you, Jay.”
I shake my head again, but she’s put doubts in my head. He is my one, isn’t he?
“You ever talk about sex with Ella?”
My eyes widen. “Of course not.”
“You want dessert?”
For a second I don’t know what she’s asking, but when I see she’s waving toward the menu, I say, no. She asks for the bill, then looks at me carefully. “Jay, one day you’ll meet a man. When he walks in the room your heart will start to pound. When he looks over and your eyes meet, your palms will sweat. When he comes over and talks to you, you’ll get tongue-tied. That’s what you deserve. Don’t settle for a man who you think is safe. Who you think you owe something to. From hearing you speak, I think Paladin’s been a good friend for you, but no more than that.” She must see from my expression that I’m far from thinking she’s right.
But aren’t her words just echoing my thoughts before I came here? That Pal might have expectations I’m far from being sure match mine. I’d put that down to the things that I went through, but Moira could have a point. He doesn’t make my heart race, does he?
“Think about what I’ve said, okay?”
I agree. I can do that.
After not hearing from him all day, when I get a text later saying Paladin will be over at nine, my reaction is relief he’s okay, and annoyance he hadn’t bothered to get in touch with me before. I get none of the symptoms Moira had described.
Perhaps she’s right. I feign a headache and tell him not to bother.
He doesn’t reply. If I was as important to him as I’d thought, wouldn’t he try to persuade me to see him? Or is he relieved I don’t need him to come over? Have I pushed him straight into the arms of one of the club girls?
I realise I don’t like that thought one bit.
Chapter Nineteen
Paladin
I feel unsettled. Don’t like not seeing Jay. It’s been my job to take care of her for years, and now I’m feeling restless. I text her the next morning.
Pal: You okay? Settling in? How’s your head?
I wait for the response, but there’s none. The idea that I might be losing her hits me, followed by the thought if she doesn’t want me here, there’s nothing to stop me from returning to Tucson. A longing to shoot the shit or play pool with Shooter and Road comes over me. Shooter, when he was known as Spider, and me still going by my real name Marsh, prospected together. We’d worked side by side through some shit, a bond that’s hard to break, and which I’m unlikely to find here.
It’s like being a new boy at school, viewed with mistrust. I walk into the kitchen for breakfast, it’s even worse than the day before. Yesterday I was a mystery, the stranger. Then, when everything went to shit, someone looked on as at the very least, responsible for bringing bad luck to the club.
I take a plate of breakfast from Jeannie. It smells and looks fine, but I eat mechanically, feeling eyes upon me. Nobody would miss me if I upped and left. Least of all, it seems, Jayden. It’s all become fucked up. Our new start together. I haven’t even seen her since we arrived.
“Want a word.”
With a mouth full of bacon, I acknowledge Demon and hastily swallow. “Sure VP.”
“Finish up. Then come find me.”
Having handed my empty plate to Jeannie, I go off in search of the VP. He’s sitting at a table at the end of the bar, an open bottle of beer in front of him even though it’s early, and papers spread out around.
“VP?”
“Pal. Sit.” He waves toward a chair.
“What can I do for you?”
“Wanted to pick your brain.” He puts down the pen he’d been holding, and leans forward, his elbows on the table, his chin lightly resting on his clasped hands. “The trouble you had in Tucson, that brought you and the girl here. Could it have followed you?”
I don’t have to give it more than a moment’s thought. I shake my head and say adamantly, “No.”
He raises an eyebrow. “You sure about that?”
“Logistics,” I reply. “No one outside the club knew we were coming here. Well, not unless there were leaks from this end.”
He sits up straight again and jots something down. “Doubt it. But I’ll have a word around. We haven’t got brothers known for running their mouths. I trust them.”
“And I trust my brothers in Tucson.” More than I trust the ones here. “Jayden’s safety depends on no one knowing where she is.”
He half stands, getting into my face. “Reading an undercurrent there, Brother. What the fuck do you think has gone down? They might not have known the details, but we don’t fuckin’ advertise when someone’s comin’ for protection. You think a brother here blurted it out? Who would they fuckin’ tell? Who, in Pueblo, would be interested?”
I start to shake my
head. Put like that, it does sound ridiculous. I open my mouth, but he hasn’t finished, though he has sat back down.
“You don’t like that you’ve got to earn trust. Works both ways, Brother. Seems you need to start giving some to receive it.”
I hear what he’s saying. As hard as it is for me to get the measure of my new brothers, if they’re feeling the same, I need to cut them some slack. I return to his earlier question, this time offering in a more reasonable tone, “If we’d picked up a tail, then it would be too fast to get a team together. One man, perhaps, but it seems there were disturbances at all your businesses the night before last. That would take manpower. Smacks of something local to me.”
Demon nods. “We’ve got street gangs, ‘course we have. Pimply faced kids for the most part who have difficulty finding their noses to pick, let alone getting organised and coming after us.” He pauses. “Could the Herreras have links to any of them?”
Again, I reply in the negative. “Herreras are a Tucson based crime family. If we were in Arizona, maybe, but I don’t think they’d cross state lines to step on somebody’s toes. They’re not known for getting into bed with other people. They keep themselves to themselves.”
As he thinks for a moment, I slide out my phone and glance at it.
“That there,” he points to the device in my hand. “Taser says you’re always on the phone to somebody.”
I roll my eyes. “Right now I’m checking the time. Need to get to the police station to get my fingerprints taken. Not that I’m particularly happy about them going into the system, but neither do I want to be caught for a murder I didn’t commit.” My eyes narrow. “I presume Taser is going to back me up when I say I jumped into the dumpster not knowing what to expect?”
Demon rears back, then comes forward, again up close to my face. “Taser may have taken a dislike to you, but we put brothers before cops any day.”
I raise my chin. “That’s certainly how it worked in Tucson.”
Satan's Devils MC Colorado Boxset 1 Books 1 - 3 Page 17
