Just like it had happened with the others. Wraith’s girl, Sophie, turned up out of the blue when she needed somewhere to hide and be safe. Drummer found Sam when she came searching for her father. Peg found his by the side of the road. One by one, Slick, Mouse, Blade and even Dart, who subsequently transferred to San Diego, stumbled across their old lady. Even young Pal eventually got the girl he’d been waiting for. It seemed so easy. No one can doubt my brothers have all found the woman they know they can be faithful to for the rest of their lives.
That’s what I had in mind, what I wanted for myself. A wife and a family. It wouldn’t have mattered if those kids had come readymade, if she’d been the right woman for me. I thought I’d found her, but, as it turned out, I’d been too hasty. Thought because she’d fallen into my path, that I should make her my old lady.
Starting my engine, I head out through the gates the prospect slides open for me, pointing my bike as Rock had instructed, toward what everyone else calls my home.
As I ride, I think how I couldn’t describe it as that. It’s a house the club owns, the property where Heart had lived with his first wife. The single storey building which now houses the woman I claimed, and her two children.
I should be happy, I muse, as I kick down the stand, before reluctantly taking the few steps toward the front door. This is what I wanted after all, a woman I could call mine waiting for me to come home. It hurts to say it’s not working out and will be painful when I have to admit that to my brothers.
They already know.
Yeah. They probably do, though no one has said as much. All waiting for me to give them the words. The signs have been there, almost from the beginning. I’d jumped in with both feet far too fast, and now I’ve no idea how to extricate myself. I’m a coward, knowing what I should do, but not being brave enough to cause the hurt I know will result.
I open the front door as quietly as I can. The clock once belonging to Heart, well, we moved into this place fully furnished, shows it’s eleven o’clock, and I might be lucky. She might have gone to bed. As I’m wondering whether I can get away with sleeping on the couch, tomorrow’s excuse running through my head, I didn’t want to disturb you, footsteps sound.
“Beef. You’re back.”
A tinge of guilt at the joy in her voice. A suggestion that maybe she’d thought I wouldn’t come home. I may have considered sinking my cock into a sweet butt, Allie’s perhaps, she’s sweet as pie, or taking Paige and Diva together as I have many times in the past, but I’m not so much of a bastard to do that to the woman who’s trying so hard to make things right between us. An impossible task, though she doesn’t realise it.
“The kids are down, Beef. They’ve left some pictures for you. They were trying to draw your bike.”
Yeah, guilt me why don’t you? I don’t need the reminder it’s not just her I’d disappoint if I came out with the truth. Since her ex-husband went to prison and she got her divorce, she’s pushed the kids at me at every opportunity. They’re good kids, no complaints there, she’s brought them up right. I like them well enough, if they had a different mother, maybe it would work out. But the woman who’d come into my life, the person I thought was meant for me, isn’t the one I’ve been waiting for. She isn’t Becca, or anything like her.
“Sally,” I begin, my voice tired.
“Beef,” she interrupts. A look of concern on her face. “What’s happened?” Taking a step forward, she raises her hand and touches my eye. I flinch. Rock must have got a lucky shot in. I hadn’t even felt it. “Have you been fighting?”
That right there. The look of disgust that she can’t hide. I’m a biker. Yeah, tonight I went too far, but I regularly spar with my brothers. It keeps us fit, sharp. She didn’t mind violence when it rescued her from the situation she’d been in. But now? Her background shows. A gentle woman from a moneyed family.
“Just sparred with Rock,” I explain. “You know what we do, Sally.”
“I’ll clean it for you.”
Another woman’s attentions might be welcomed, not hers. Becca will probably be doctoring Rock and, after she’s fussed him enough, with the birth of Rose a few months back, her touch will probably end up with him having his cock deep inside her. “Nah, Sal, I’m fine. I’ll do it myself.”
Sally might not be the right woman for me, but it’s not because she’s stupid. A wistfulness crosses her face, a clear sign she wants me to let her help. “I’ll get you a beer.”
I don’t need serving. But how do you turn down a well-meant gesture? “Sure. I’ll be right back.”
While she disappears into the kitchen, I take myself off to the half bath, take a much-needed piss, then examine my reflection in the mirror. There’s a small cut above my eye, no wonder it didn’t register. Nothing to worry about at all. Still, to ease Sally’s mind I splash my face with water, getting rid of the dried blood. So tiny a wound, it doesn’t bleed after.
I stare at my reflected image as though it might have more answers than me. How can I tell a woman like her that things are not working out? I hadn’t lifted a finger nor been an active participant when we got together, no effort required on my part at all. When she stayed at the clubhouse waiting for the media to lose interest in her husband’s high-profile court case, she’d latched onto me. To my shame and regret, I hadn’t put up much objection, it had been easier to go along with it. When it was suggested she move into Heart’s place, along with her kids, the thought of being alone had caused her stress. When she’d hinted she’d like company, I said I’d go with her, just to help ease her into her new life.
Playing house had been a novelty at first. A woman I could call mine to come home to. When she invited me into her bed, what can I say? I’m a man, I went. It was okay, I got off, made sure she did too. When my brothers asked if I was claiming her, I said yes.
It soon became clear, my preferred style of loving wasn’t hers. My adventurous nature a complete turn off. Missionary position was the only way she permitted me to take her. After years of variety, I soon got bored. Wouldn’t step out on her though. Not while I was with her.
Her husband had beaten her, badly. Had agreed to stay away from her and had for two years. until a wife and family was helpful in his desire to have a political career. She’d been afraid of him, with good reason. In front of her, he admitted he’d get the sympathetic vote if she was killed.
She’s already been told she’s worthless. How could I do that to her too? I never realised Sebastian Lawson had been her first and only boyfriend, her family had kept her sheltered until they’d found her a suitable man. Now that I know, it influences what I can do. She’s no knowledge of break-ups, of relationships which don’t work. Her husband wanted her dead, and I’m thinking of discarding her like, what, a worn-out shoe?
Nah. Can’t do that to her. I’ll have to stay and make this work.
“Beef? You okay?”
“Coming.” I flush the toilet. Then I take a deep breath to fortify myself.
In the living room she pats the seat beside her. “Got your beer, Beef. I wanted to talk to you.”
Please tell me you know this isn’t working out. As I place my ass on the cushion, it dips, moving her body closer to mine. I lean forward to pick up the glass she’s just placed there. Normally I drink beer straight from the bottle but am not given the choice when Sally’s around. I risk a glance at her, there’s an excited gleam in her eyes.
“You know how you want me to ride your bike?”
I’m not one to place any particular emphasis of who the woman is riding up behind me. But as far as anyone’s concerned Sally’s my old lady, and as such her place should be pillion on my bike. But she’d quickly disavowed me of any notion she’d be doing that. Too dangerous, she told me.
“You changed your mind?” Now, that would be a good start. Along with perhaps letting me stick my cock in her when she’s on her hands and knees. One thing about Sally, she’s got a great ass, with hips a man could hang onto.
“Well, I might.” The words are said triumphantly.
“Yeah?” Maybe things have started looking up. Now if I could get her…
“Look Beef. I’d feel safe on that.”
She turns her tablet toward me. My eyes roll back in my head. She’s showing me a Goldwing, with a rear passenger seat like a fucking armchair. Safe? Yeah. “Sal, that’s a fuckin’ Honda. I’d be thrown out of the club.” Probably wouldn’t. If push came to shove, we’d change our by-laws rather than expel a member due to his choice of bike. But all the members ride Harleys, well, a couple in other chapters have Indians, and some have vintage bikes they ride time to time, but what she’s showing me? I can just imagine doing a high-speed chase or getaway on it. It would be a complete joke. Her idea is not going to work.
Seeing the disdainful expression on my face, she pouts. “If you don’t like the make, doesn’t Harley do a similar model?”
“Yeah, they do, Sal…”
“Well why not get one of them?”
Because I like the speed and manoeuvrability of my Fat Bob. “Haven’t got the money to buy a new bike. Those cost close to thirty big ones.”
“I’ve got the money.”
Abruptly I stand, the cushion bouncing back displaces her, causing her to reach out her hand to regain her balance. “I said no, Sally. You wanted to be with a biker? Well, you have to love the man, the club, and his choice of bike. I’m going to bed.”
Chapter Two
I pretended to sleep but spent most of the night awake worrying about three things. How badly I may have damaged my long-time relationship with Rock, what was going to happen with Sally, and on top of the list, what would happen at the promised morning’s meeting with Drummer?
Not only is Drummer the president of the Tucson Chapter of the Satan’s Devils MC, he’s also the national prez as Tucson is the mother chapter, the club having been started way back in Bastard’s day. When Drummer, Bastard’s son, took the helm, he got us out of a lot of the shit we’d previously been into. Easy money, but an easy way to die. It takes a strong man to lead not just one, but all the chapters of an MC, and Drummer hasn’t maintained the top spot for as many years as he has by being weak. A fair man, he’ll give it to you straight when you’ve fucked up. Words out of his mouth, that withering stare from those steel-grey eyes, and even a muscle man like me wants to slide under the table.
After last night’s fiasco, I reckon I’ll be flayed alive.
“Mornin’.”
“Ah, fuck, man. You okay?” I step toward Rock, my eyes squinting to take in the damage.
“Becca’s not happy with you,” he replies, shrugging off my concern.
“Shit.”
“Aw, come on. Messin’ with you, man. She’s fine. Worried about you more than me, I think.”
Flashing him a grin I laugh, “And so she should be. Me and her? We’re close.” I press my forefinger and thumb tightly together and hold them up in front of his face. For which, not unsurprisingly, I get a clout around the head. Then, flicking worried eyes toward the clubhouse, add, “Well, I better get inside.”
“Yeah, you’re seeing the head teacher, aren’t you? You might have detention. Oooh. Or homework. You might have to write out ‘I must not hit Rock’ fifty times.”
“Shut it,” I growl, shaking my head.
“Or you could get expelled.”
I shoot my middle finger toward him as I walk inside. One thing you’re not when you’re summoned to see Drummer, is late. Pleased to see I’m right on time, I knock on his door.
“Yeah.”
Entering, I pause until he waves me to the chair in front of his desk. I suppose this is going to take time. Prez asking me what the fuck happened last night, and me being unable to explain, or admit I know the reason why. I decide to take the initiative and sit forward. “Look, Prez, I’m…”
“Sorry you beat the shit out of your brother?” Drummer leans back in his chair, linking his hands behind his head. “Gonna give me a fuck load of excuses about why?” Suddenly he lurches forward. “Why don’t we cut to the chase and I’ll tell you?”
I suspect he’s going to give me a few home truths I don’t want to hear. But what can I do? He’s my prez.
“You’ve let that woman get her hooks into you. Every fuckin’ brother here could see she wasn’t right for you, but you let her lead you along by your dick.”
My dick makes bad choices. Even he ain’t happy now.
As I shrug, Drummer reaches behind him. I could count the number of times on one hand that I’ve been in Drummer’s office and have been offered a glass of his pure malt whisky. It’s a sign this will be a serious conversation. I would have thought it was a bit too early to be hitting the hard stuff, but if he doesn’t care it’s not even the middle of the day, then who am I to object? If he’s offering, I may need it.
He waits until I’ve taken a sip and have sighed in appreciation. “I don’t get between men and their old ladies. Only a fool would do that, and I like to think I’m not such a fool.” As I give the grin he expects, he resumes, “You’ve been the muscle at my back more times than I care to remember, Beef. Ready to back it up too. Not shy to get into a fight beside your brothers. But when it comes to women? Soft as fuckin’ cotton wool.”
Another raise and dip of my shoulders. Can’t really argue with that. Wouldn’t let a man get one up on me, but a woman? Yeah, perhaps spineless does describe it.
“Way I see it, Sally saw you, thought you were a good thing, and you simply went along with it. You probably saw it as a chance to have something that I, and your other brothers, have. Easy choice, Beef. Doesn’t mean it was the right one.”
“Wasn’t hard for you, Prez. Sam dropped into your lap, so to speak.”
The corners of his mouth curve. “I saw her, knew I wasn’t going to let her go. Sure, I fought it, but she was mine from then on. Sally? Nah, don’t think you can say the same Beef. I’ve watched you together, can’t see she’s your one.”
“She wants me to get a fuckin’ Goldwing,” I input grumpily.
“What?” His laugh sounds incredulous. “An armchair on wheels?”
“I said no.”
“Didn’t need to add that, Brother.” He chuckles, then frowns. “As I said, you’re a fuckin’ good man to have at my back, Beef. But you haven’t got the guts to do what you need to do. I’m stepping in as I don’t want a brother killed.” He shakes his head as if remembering last night. “I’m telling you, not giving advice. Move back to the club. Viper’s done up some new suites, take one of those.”
“Sally’s not going to like that.”
“Don’t give a fuck. I’m worried about you.”
He lets that sink in. I know he’s right, but it’s not so easy for me to put his suggestion into action.
“It’s an order, Beef. Dress it up to her as you will. I’m not risking last night happening again.”
I’m not averse to his suggestion, it’s just the acting on it that’s going to be hard.
Sally needed a man, I needed a woman to take my mind off the one I wanted but couldn’t have. Thought we could make it work, but it’s turned out to be the worst mistake of my life. Problem is, there’s no way I can get myself out of what I’ve got into without causing more harm.
It’s easy for Drummer to suggest I cut her loose, but he’s forgetting her background. She was married to a man who’d hurt and abused her, and in the end, had told her to her face she was worth more to him dead than alive. Any self-confidence she’d had had been slashed apart. If I outright tell her I don’t want her, she’ll blame herself. It’s not her fault I can’t be the man she wants. It’s not on either of us our relationship doesn’t work, it’s that we’re two different people who should never have teamed up together.
Yeah, I’m a marshmallow when it comes to dealing with her, but it’s not just hurting her, it’s trying not to deal a blow that could add to her existing insecurities and destroy her.
For my sanity, I h
ave to get out. For her sake, I have to ease away, and not simply cut her from my life. Moving back to the club while letting her believe it’s not final could be the first step. Loosen the ropes that bind us. Trouble is, I know my woman better than that, and she won’t take me putting distance between us well.
Delaying the proposal won’t help, and I won’t be able to come up with a better solution however much time I give to my thoughts. Best do it now, while Drummer’s voice is still echoing in my head, giving me some of the fortitude that, where women are concerned, I usually lack.
Leaving the relative sanctuary of the compound, I ride back into Tucson, for once not enjoying the wind therapy, too wound up about the conversation to come, a discussion long overdue. As my wheels spin beneath me, I berate myself yet again for getting into this mess, and not having the guts to get out of the situation as soon as I knew it was wrong.
Sally’s at home alone, the kids are at school. If we’re going to have tears and remonstrations, now’s a good time as any. I lean against the washer as she separates the laundry into different piles, a small frown playing on my face as I see her sort my socks and underwear. I’m perfectly capable of washing my own shit, but it’s the one area where she insists she’s in charge.
“I’m moving back to the club.”
Swinging around, her eyes are wide. “What did you say?”
“I’m going to stay at the club for a while.”
“Beef!” She comes flying at me, her arms holding me tight, her cheek already wet with tears dampen my tee. “Don’t leave me. I need you. What will I do without you? Don’t go, please?” She starts to sob.
Oh fuck. I’m so fucking weak. “Hey, don’t’ cry, Sal. I’m not leaving you. It’s just I need my own space for a bit. I’m not in a good headspace right now, and I’ll only take my shit out on you and the kids if I’m around, and I don’t want to do that.”
“Is it me? Have I done or said something? Or are things upsetting you at the club?”
As good an excuse as any. “The club,” I lie.
Satan's Devils MC Colorado Boxset 1 Books 1 - 3 Page 73
