Oh God, she doesn’t look happy to see me. She’s not going to fire me now, in the middle of the night, is she?
I stand under the porch of the lodge to shelter from the rain, and spot the kitchen light in Fiona’s house flick on. She flings the back door open and runs through the garden, her slippers squelching in the mud. I try not to laugh as she stumbles through the rain towards me.
What is she doing?
‘Katy!’ she cries as she reaches me, pushing her wet hair out of her face.
‘Hi,’ I say. ‘How are you?’
I want to add: and why have you just run towards me in the middle of the night when it’s chucking it down with rain?
‘Oh yes, I’m fine,’ she says, brushing my question away. ‘Have you heard from Rachel? Did she get back okay?’
I feel heat bristle the back of my neck at Rachel’s name.
‘Probably,’ I say. ‘I haven’t heard from her.’
‘Oh.’
‘I’m not sure I will either,’ I add, trying not sound bitter but failing miserably. ‘We’re not that close.’
I click open the front door and push it open. As I step inside, my breath is snatched away from me. The cabin is almost unrecognisable. The surfaces are gleaming, my clothes are hung up proudly and my pillows are fat and plumped. I drop my bag, almost oblivious to Fiona following me inside, and walk towards the fridge, picking up a bright pink Post-it note. The flat is covered in them, all stuck in random places. There is a fat heart drawn on this one with the words You can do anything written underneath it.
‘That’s a shame,’ Fiona says, making me jump as I realise she’s right next to me. ‘I’d love to have a sister like her.’
She walks back out of the flat and I peel another Post-it note off the toaster. As I read it, I feel like I might cry.
You will always be my sister.
As I clutch the note tightly in my hand, the thick anger gripping onto my insides wilts and a stronger feeling takes over. I stare down at the words, determination spinning through my body.
I’m not giving up on her.
She’s my sister.
CHAPTER THIRTY-TWO
RACHEL
I clasp my fingers around my steaming mug, wincing as the heat sears through my hands, but I don’t let go. I slot another piece of Katy’s cherry cake into my mouth. It’s dry, with an intense rubber quality, and all the cherries have sunk to the bottom like stones, but I’m eating it anyway. I can’t believe she made it. Katy never bakes. If it wasn’t so terrible, I’d have thought she’d bought it and was trying to pass it off as her own.
I take off my glasses, shutting my heavy eyes, which sting slightly as the tears prick behind my tired eyelids. When I reopen them, I’m looking at the photo of me and Danny on our wedding day. The only photo of us left in the cottage.
I look so happy in that photo; I couldn’t bear to take it down. It felt like I was saying goodbye to that part of me forever. For some reason, keeping it there felt like a glimmer of hope that one day I would be that happy again.
Bruno rests his chin on my lap, his tail whacking against the floor as he wags it expectantly. He nearly broke the window when I arrived home with the force he threw his body at it. He didn’t look thin or fidgety at all; it seems Katy took great care of him. To my surprise, she’s actually taken good care of everything. When I got back last night, I found the house almost exactly as I’d left it. She had hoovered, made her bed and put fresh flowers on the table that look as though they’ve come from Isaac’s farm, which makes me think they got along after all.
I take a deep breath as fear rolls over me.
There was no point replying to Katy’s message. I had no defence. It’s exactly what she thinks. I kept the ashes after Grandma’s funeral and never told her. I lied to her when she asked about scattering them and said that our mum had them. I’m not sure when I was going to tell her the truth. If I’m honest, I’m not sure I ever was.
The front door rattles and Bruno races towards it, barking loudly as somebody knocks. I pull myself to my feet, a small groan escaping my lips as I hold onto my stomach as though I need to support my bump in my arms at all times. I didn’t think it was possible to be this pregnant, and I’ve still got two weeks to go! I mean, I know I’m carrying another human being, but this is just ridiculous.
I reach the front door and see Isaac’s shadow. I feel a small wave of relief as I open the door and Bruno pushes past me to greet him properly, but the relief evaporates as soon as I clock his expression. He’s scowling. Isaac never scowls at me.
‘Hey,’ I say, stepping back to allow him to come in out of the rain. ‘You okay?’
His eyes flit over my body in alarm, and for a second I think he’s going to turn on his heel and run back down the garden path, but he doesn’t.
‘Have you got bigger?’ he says, dumbfounded.
I feel my cheeks flare as he steps inside.
Well, how’s that for a hello?
‘I am pregnant,’ I say tersely, pushing the door shut after him. ‘Do you want a tea?’ I ask, as he stands awkwardly in the living room.
‘No,’ he says. ‘Yes. No.’ He runs his fingers through his hair and looks out of the window. ‘No, sorry. I can’t. I need to go soon.’
I ease myself into the armchair, hoping Isaac will copy me and sit down, but he doesn’t.
What is he doing? I frown. He’s been in this house hundreds of times and now he’s acting like a random guest.
‘Right,’ I say, ‘what’s up?’
‘Have you heard from Katy?’ he says quickly, as though he’s been holding the words in his mouth like a swarm of bees.
I feel a shock of heat.
‘No,’ I lie. ‘Have you?’
‘No.’
We fall into silence and I raise my eyebrows at him expectantly, waiting for him to tell me what he wants. He stuffs his hands into his pockets, his eyes flicking around the room anxiously. I try not to gawp at him.
What is the matter with him?
‘So you didn’t tell her? I thought you were going to tell her, I thought that was the point of everything.’
He waves his arm across the living room and my hands twist into each other.
‘Do you know how hard it was to keep it from her?’ he carries on. ‘She knows something is going on with you. She asked me more than once.’
‘I freaked out,’ I say in a small voice.
‘She was a total nightmare, you know,’ he says, the words spitting out of him, ‘but she’s not as bad as you think she is. She doesn’t deserve to be lied to.’
My eyes snap up to him.
‘She lied to me too,’ I say sharply. ‘She told me she had this amazing, glamorous life, but—’
‘Oh come on,’ Isaac almost laughs as he begins to pace around the living room, ‘we all knew that her spiel about her great life in London was bullshit.’
‘I’m not the only one who’s been lying to her,’ I say, my face hot. ‘Did you tell her how you feel? How you’ve been miserable ever since she left?’
He stops pacing and finally meets my eyes. The tension in his face slides away and he looks at me hopelessly.
‘Yeah, I did,’ he says, sinking down onto the arm of the sofa, ‘and she didn’t care. She ran away, back to London. She didn’t want to know.’
I stare at him, a lump in my throat.
So she walked away from Isaac.
‘That’s what I think she’ll do to me too,’ I say quietly, my voice thick.
He shakes her head. ‘You should trust her. She wouldn’t do that.’
‘Why not?’ I say. ‘I did it to her. I stopped speaking to our dad even though she begged me not to. I left her to go to London by herself when I’d promised I would go with her. She doesn’t owe me anything. I’ve been a terrible sister to her.’
We fall into silence and Isaac leans back into the sofa. Bruno pushes his face towards Isaac’s knee. I brush the tears quickly out of my eyes.
/> ‘She’s your twin, though,’ he says eventually. ‘You don’t walk away from family, not when it matters.’
I stare down at my hands, which are twisted together like a damp cloth.
Walking away when it matters is exactly what my family has always done. My parents walked away from each other when they were supposed to be in love. Mum walked away from her daughters when she found a new family. Katy and I walked away from each other when Grandma died.
‘I think it’s gone too far this time,’ I say in a small voice. ‘I don’t think we can come back from this.’
‘But you haven’t told her yet!’ Isaac says, exasperated. ‘How can you know when you haven’t even—’
‘Not that.’ I shake my head. ‘I did something worse than that. I lied about Grandma’s ashes.’ As I speak, the fat tears I’ve been battling fall down my face and I don’t bother wiping them away. ‘I always told Katy that our mum had them and wouldn’t let us scatter them, but Katy found them. I’ve had them this whole time.’
I keep my eyes fixed on my hands, but I can see from the corner of my eye that Isaac is gaping at me. He knows better than anyone how much Katy loved our grandma; he knows what this would do to her. I’ve always known too, but it didn’t stop me.
‘Why did you lie?’ he says.
I open my mouth to answer, but any defence I have is too flimsy to explain. When our parents left, Grandma was all we had. We always said we didn’t mind; she was our favourite anyway. Our parents never felt like real parents, they didn’t really act like them. When Grandma died, Katy had left and Danny was off on another cruise ship, and I couldn’t bear to let someone else go. I had the power to keep her with me, so I took it.
‘Look,’ Isaac says, leaning towards me, ‘you need to give Katy the chance to be there for you. You’re making the decision for her.’
I let out a small sob as guilt swarms through me. At this, Bruno turns his head and pads towards me, resting his head on my bump and flicking his large eyes up to look at me.
‘I’m scared she’ll reject me,’ I say weakly, heat burning at my skin as I speak my fear aloud. ‘I’m scared she’ll go back to London and she won’t want to have a relationship with me.’
Isaac sighs. As he opens his mouth to speak, he clocks the cherry cake sitting on the kitchen table.
‘Hey,’ he says, a small smile flitting onto his face, ‘what do you think of the cake?’
CHAPTER THIRTY-THREE
KATY
I stare at my reflection in the mirror, trying to ignore the fact that my heart has been racing in my chest since I arrived back. I glance at the coffee table, where last night I collected up all the Post-it notes I could find and read them until my eyes screamed for me to close them and fall asleep.
Rachel had filled the notes with love, hope and positive messages and stuck them all over the lodge. While I was looking for them, I also found that she had filled my freezer with food. As I sat and read each note, I felt my heart begin to swell until it ached too much to read any more. I haven’t had anyone look after me in years, and Rachel was doing it from miles away. How can she be so far away from me and still know exactly what I need?
But as I thought all of this, the loudest thought stretched into my mind until it was the only one I could hear.
How does Rachel know so clearly what I need and I have no idea what I can do to help her? I still can’t understand why she hid the ashes from me, but I also know I can’t leave her while something is going on. Even if I have to force her to let me in.
I sigh and straighten my blouse. I can’t think about that now. I need to speak to Fiona. I’ll have to try and crack Rachel later.
When I got ready this morning, I started my usual hair and make-up routine, but as I looked at my wild dark curls, I suddenly found that I didn’t want to. I look more like me with my curly hair and my freckles.
I pluck my keys from the coffee table and click the door shut behind me. I seem to have packed the rain with me when I left Wales, and I skirt across the garden as quickly as I can and gently tap on the French doors. I feel a surge of warmth spread through me as William scrambles up to get to the door before Jasmine, and tugs it open with glee.
‘Katy’s back!’ he shouts right in my face, before turning to look at Fiona, who is reading paperwork at the kitchen table. Jasmine grabs my hand and tugs me inside and I quickly push my shoes off my feet.
‘Hi,’ I smile, ‘how are you guys?’
‘Hello, darling.’ Fiona smiles at me over the top of her reading glasses. ‘Nice to have you back.’
‘Katy, Katy!’ Jasmine cries, gripping my arm. ‘We met your sister! She looks just like you!’
‘Except . . .’ William says, and he fills his cheeks with air and stretches out his arms as wide as they’ll go.
My mouth falls open. Has Rachel put on weight? That’s very unlike her; she’s always been obsessed with diet and exercise. She’s the type of person who does park runs every Saturday and enters half-marathons for fun.
‘William!’ Fiona snaps, and William drops his arms back to his sides and turns pink.
‘She let us touch her tummy too,’ he gabbles, and at this Fiona slams down her paperwork and William and Jasmine jump.
‘Right, upstairs, you two!’ she says crossly. ‘Go and brush your teeth, we need to leave soon. Go on, go!’
William and Jasmine skirt upstairs and I sink into a chair.
Gosh, how embarrassing for Rachel. It’s not like William and Jasmine have never seen someone with a bit of belly before, surely? Why would they think it’s so exciting to touch it?
‘Did you have a nice time in Wales?’ Fiona says lightly, her eyes moving back to the stack of papers in front of her.
‘I tried to work,’ I say quickly, ‘but the connection was terrible. It was hard to get onto my emails or anything.’
I stick my damp hands under my thighs as my heart rate picks up and the tense feeling I shed whilst I was in Wales creeps back through my body. Fiona cocks her head and cracks open a highlighter.
‘That’s okay.’
‘And obviously I’m sorry about what happened with the fire alarm,’ I blurt. ‘I thought the auction was going pretty well until that happened and I did try to manage it as best I could.’
I break off, staring at Fiona imploringly as she continues to highlight the document.
Please say something. Please, just fire me or tell me that everything is okay. Anything.
She doesn’t look up and I feel myself wilt.
Why isn’t she saying anything?
‘Because,’ I continue, unable to stop myself from filling the silence, ‘I was really hoping you might consider me for Caitlin’s position in the office. I feel that—’
‘Ready!’
Jasmine charges back into the kitchen, closely followed by William, who is baring his teeth at us like a small lion. Finally Fiona snaps out of her trance with the paperwork and looks at her children.
‘Right,’ she claps her hands together, ‘shoes, please, come on!’
The children race back out of the kitchen towards the front door and Fiona smiles at me.
‘Sorry, Katy,’ she says. ‘I’ve been trying to get my head around this contract.’
She blinks up at me and I stare back at her stupidly.
Was she listening to me at all?
‘Mum!’ Jasmine’s voice echoes up the hallway. ‘Mum! Where is my book bag?’
‘Oh for goodness’ sake.’ Fiona rolls her eyes at me and gets to her feet. ‘It’s great to have you back, Katy. We’ve really missed you.’ She pats my shoulder, and before I can stop myself, I jump to my feet.
‘Sorry,’ I blurt, ‘I just really wanted to speak to you about my job.’
She turns to face me, and for a second I can’t read her expression at all.
‘That’s really what you want?’ she says. ‘To stay here and work for me?’
I stare back at her, her question causing a tingle of panic
to rise through me.
Of course it’s what I want; it’s the only thing I’ve wanted for years.
Isn’t it?
‘Yes,’ I say, my voice wavering.
Fiona stares back at me, a look almost of disbelief on her face.
‘Okay,’ she shrugs, holding up a coat for William to slot his arms into, ‘it’s yours. If that’s what you want.’
She says the words slowly, and the glee that has been trying to burst through me is suddenly somehow masked in fear, as though it’s being dragged down by thick tar.
I fix my gaze on her, the look of indifference I’ve been trying to master for the past three years finally falling onto my face with ease.
‘Yes,’ I say, ‘it is.’
*
I wave to Jasmine and William out of the car window as they run indoors, shepherded by their teachers, who herd the children together like highly experienced Border Collies. The rain pummels down on the bonnet of the car and I lean into the heated seat, my mind racing.
It’s happened. It’s finally happened. Finally I am going to be a junior events executive. I’ll go into the office every day and have my own desk; I’ll even bring in my own mug like everybody else does. I’ll be able to tell everyone that I’ve made it in London as a successful woman working on events full-time, which is pretty much what I’ve been telling them for the past few years, but this time it will be true.
I take a deep breath and try to silence the nerves that have been fluttering under my skin since my conversation with Fiona back at the house.
My phone vibrates in my hands and I turn it over. Ellie’s name flashes on the screen.
Hi Katy, are we still on for tomorrow? I think Sophie is going to make a cake! I know Rachel’s birthday was a few weeks ago, but thought it would be nice. Let me know what time you want us there x
I read the text again.
When I found Grandma’s ashes, I was ready to text Ellie and Isaac and cancel Rachel’s party straight away, and I had every intention of doing it as soon as I arrived back at the cabin, but then I found the notes and everything Rachel had done for me in the past week, and the familiar feeling I’ve been carrying for the last few days resurfaced. There is something not right with Rachel, and I need to find out what it is. She’s my twin; I need to make sure she’s okay.
House Swap Page 22
