I tuck my hands under my legs as a thought enters my mind.
I never felt pain like this in London, but I’m not sure if that’s because I was safe, or because I never really felt anything. I didn’t ugly-laugh like I have done with Isaac, or feel the warmth of sitting next to Rachel on the sofa, eating crisps in her safe, cosy living room. I didn’t feel any pain because I shut myself off from any real experiences. It’s almost as if I just existed, fading into the anonymous city. When I first moved to London, that was exactly what I needed, but in the last week, I feel as though I’ve come back to life, and the closer we get to the station, the harder I’m finding it to remember why I’m so desperate to leave.
‘We’re here.’
I snap out of my thoughts as I notice that Isaac has pulled up outside the drop-off point at the station. My ears ring as I look at him, but his eyes are still fixed forward.
I unclip my seat belt, my body numb. ‘Right. Thanks.’
He steps out of the car and retrieves my suitcase from the boot, placing it in front of me with the professionalism and efficiency of a high-end chauffeur. I steal another glance at him, desperate for him to look at me, but he doesn’t. I pick up the suitcase and give a small nod.
‘Thank you,’ I say again.
‘Have a safe journey,’ he replies, his eyes fixed on a place over my shoulder.
I open my mouth to reply, but every thought I have fades out of my mind, so instead I turn on my heel and walk towards the station, not allowing myself to look back.
The departures board tells me that the train to London Paddington leaves in four minutes from Platform 2. I take a deep breath and walk towards the stairs, cursing it for being on time and not allowing me to get a coffee and an enormous pastry from Starbucks. It’s okay, I’ll just have a takeaway when I get back to London, and maybe I’ll stop on my way home and buy an entire birthday cake to eat by myself.
As I walk onto the platform, the hot tears are back, biting at my eyes. I blink them away defiantly.
This will get easier. It won’t always feel like you’re missing part of your heart. This will heal and—
‘Katy!’
My head snaps around as Isaac appears, pushing through the crowds of people. At the sight of him, I feel as if I might throw up, and the tears I thought I’d blinked away fall onto my cheeks. His chest is rising and falling and his eyes are flashing, and I feel myself tense.
What is he doing?
‘Did I forget something?’ I offer.
‘How could you do this?’ he blurts. ‘How could you run away again and leave everyone behind? I’ve never known anyone like you!’
I hold my breath, thinking for a second that this is a compliment before I realise quite quickly that it’s not.
‘You’re scared of everything! You’re running away from the chance of having a family with your sister because you’re scared it will break like it did before, but you’re not even giving it a chance. You don’t give anything a chance!’
I feel myself stiffen.
‘Oh?’ I say, my voice rising. ‘What else haven’t I given a chance?’
Isaac looks at me, his green eyes sparkling.
‘Fine,’ he says, his jaw clenched, ‘you want me to say it? Us. You haven’t given us a chance. I love you, Katy, I always have done, and I know you love me, but you’re too scared of your own feelings to give me or anyone a chance. So go!’ He points to the train, which has rolled into the platform. ‘Get on the train to London and go live your better life. I don’t care any more. You win! You—’
But his words are lost, because at that moment, I grab his face and kiss him.
CHAPTER FORTY-FOUR
KATY
ONE MONTH LATER
‘I’ll tell you what, this is a much more relaxing drive when I don’t have to worry about catching a baby every time I change gear.’
I flash Fiona a smile as she flicks her indicator on and turns into the village. I glance over my shoulder at William and Jasmine, who are both sound asleep in their car seats. They were so excited at spending a week with Rachel and Bruno (and seeing baby Violet again) that they fell asleep before we were on the motorway.
Needless to say, I missed my train to London. But I did go back. I had to.
‘So,’ Fiona says, ‘Cassie starts next week.’
She raises an eyebrow at me over her sunglasses.
I had to go back to hand my notice in and pack up the cabin to move back to Wales. It was like Isaac had seen inside my soul and was pulling out each of my fears one by one. By the end of his rant, I couldn’t see why I was afraid of any of them, when the idea of being anywhere but with him and Rachel was the scariest thing of all.
‘Oh?’ I say. ‘How are you feeling about it? What’s she like?’
‘Well,’ Fiona sighs, ‘she won’t be as good as you. But she is an actual nanny, which is a start.’
‘Are we here?’ Jasmine pipes up loudly from the back seat. I swivel round to face her and grin.
‘We thought you were asleep!’ I say, poking her stomach.
She grins. ‘I was just pretending. I’ve been awake this whole time.’
Fiona raises her eyebrows. ‘Sure you have.’
As the car slows down, Bruno comes skidding out of the house and starts yelping, with Betsy yapping at his heels, fighting to be heard. William jolts out of his sleep at Bruno’s loud barks and Jasmine squeals at the sight of him.
Fiona clicks the ignition off, and I see Rachel pushing the buggy down the garden path, Dad walking behind her, his arms outstretched and his face split in glee, as though my arrival is a big surprise and he can’t quite believe it. I step out of the car and laugh as Bruno gallops up to me and nearly knocks me over.
‘Hey,’ I grin, ‘hey, boy!’
Bruno is about to leap on William when a strong hand reaches down and grabs him by the collar. I look up and see Isaac beaming down at me.
‘Hey,’ he smiles. ‘How was your journey?’
My heart lifts, and when he kisses me, my entire body fills with warmth at his touch.
‘Good.’ I grin. ‘Much better than the train.’
‘Mummy!’ Jasmine cries. ‘Mummy, shall we get Katy’s boxes out now?’
Fiona laughs. ‘Give me a break, I need a coffee first!’
‘I’ll make you one,’ Isaac offers, giving William a high five as he leaps into the air.
‘Now, does anybody here like chocolate cake?’
I laugh as Peggy sticks her head out of the bay window, holding a wooden spoon and looking quizzically at the children. Jasmine and William fling their arms into the air and Peggy raises her eyebrows in mock surprise.
‘We’ll only be gone for half an hour or so,’ Rachel says apologetically, ‘so please make yourselves at home.’
‘Oh don’t worry,’ Fiona waves her hand, ‘Bruno will keep these two busy, and Isaac makes a lovely coffee, if I remember correctly.’
I laugh as Isaac flashes me a wink before gesturing Fiona and the children inside the cottage.
‘Now don’t be too long!’ Dad says, wagging his finger. ‘The rugby starts at four and Vi is desperate to watch it, aren’t you, love?’
He grins down at Violet, and I give him a quick hug.
Rachel turns to face me and smiles.
‘Are you ready?’ she says.
I nod and hook my arm in hers, and we start walking towards the cliff, taking the route that is a steady incline rather than the steep stairs. I turn my face towards the sun as the spring air swirls around my face. I can hear the frothy sea lapping against the rocks and there is a smattering of laughter coming from the drinkers in the Sailor’s Ship. We walk in silence, both of us deep in memories. Eventually Rachel stops.
‘Here?’ she says.
We’ve reached a field overlooking the sea. The green stretches for miles and the salty air ruffles the blades of grass. In the distance I can see the cottage shining under the light of the low sun. As I look down at our
home, I feel my heart swell.
I nod as Rachel clicks the brake on the pram and bends down to retrieve Grandma’s ashes, tucked away in a basket. For a moment, she holds the urn close to her, and I notice tears shining in her eyes. I reach forward and touch her arm.
‘She’ll always be with us,’ I say quietly. ‘She’ll always be a part of our family.’
She gives a small nod and carefully removes the lid. She holds the urn to the sky, and then turns to me.
‘You do it,’ she says.
‘Are you sure?’
‘Yes.’
Slowly I take the urn out of Rachel’s hands and hold it in the air. As soon as I tip it, a fresh gust of wind takes the ashes away, scattering them across the field and into the sky. As I drop the urn to my side, Rachel links her arm in mine and rests her head on my shoulder.
‘You’re right,’ she says softly. ‘We will always be a family.’
EPILOGUE
To Fiona Cunningham from Katy Dower
Sent 15 July at 12:06
Hi Fiona,
Thought email was the best way to send over this photo of Violet. I can’t believe she’s rolling over! Are you and the kids around for a video call this week? We miss you, the house has been very quiet since you left last week!
Also – I GOT THE JOB! I start as events executive at the Firefly Hotel at the end of the month. I’ll make sure I check the fire alarms before the first event I do (LOL) xx
To Super Bike Customer Service from Katy Dower
Sent 18 July at 17:43
Hi there,
Please could someone advise on how to return the Super Bike? Mine is in mint condition, never used. I would like a full refund, please.
Many thanks,
Katy Dower
To Rhys Dower from Katy Dower
Sent 2 September at 13:06
Hi Dad!
Here is the link to sponsor me and Rachel in the fun run! I’m so excited, we start training next week. Let us know what time you’re coming up at the weekend.
Katy x
To Rhys Dower from Rachel Dower
Sent 19 September at 02:46
Hi Dad,
Does it ever get any easier feeding in the middle of the night? I thought I’d cracked Violet’s sleep schedule, I even bought myself a new eye mask as a celebration!
I’ve been thinking about it a lot since you last came to stay, and take some time to think about it . . . but why don’t you come back and live here? You don’t have to move into the cottage, I know it has a lot of memories of you and Mum, but you could live nearby. This might just be the unrealistic thoughts of a severely sleep-deprived new mum, but let me know what you think. Hope you’re having a nice week, love you.
PS Katy isn’t doing the fun run any more. She said she’s twisted her ankle xx
To Rhys Dower from Katy Dower
Sent 5 November at 13.07
Hi Dad!
Got to be quick as I’m at work, but Isaac said we can be there at about midday on Saturday to help with the move. He also wanted me to tell you that they’re showing the rugby on Sunday at the Ship. Thought it might be nice to go there for a roast? Violet loves the rugby, even though Peggy keeps trying to get her into tennis (no idea why). Let me know! Xx
To Katy Dower from Rachel Dower
Sent 20 December at 14:08
Katy – please finish work early. I can’t think of any ideas for Elf on the Shelf (I know V is only a baby, but I really think she’s enjoying it). Also, I want to open the Baileys and watch The Holiday.
To Rachel Dower from Katy Dower
Sent 20 December at 14:11
Spoken to boss and can leave in twenty! Maybe hold off the Baileys for me though . . . Isaac and I have a little surprise for you all xx
ACKNOWLEDGEMENTS
As always, I need to start by thanking my Super Agent, Sarah Hornsley, who has believed in me from the very beginning and saw this book for what it could be. Even though I had no idea what that was. An enormous thank you, as always, to my wonderful Editor Jess Whitlum-Cooper. I feel very lucky that I get to write books with you two in my corner, championing my characters and waving your magic.
Thank you to everyone at Headline for all of your incredible work. Jane Selley, my fantastic copyeditor, Kate Truman my wonderful proof-reader, Shadé Owomoyela, Marketing guru and Antonia Whitton, Publicist extraordinaire.
This book required a different type of research to my last two, so thank you to the marvellous mummies-to-be and mummies-who-are, who helped with Rachel’s conundrums, worries and mishaps: Keri, Katie, Ciara, Tash, Kristie, Libby and Becca.
To Ziggie and Gemma, two friends who walked in rain, shine and snow, and kept me smiling, laughing and suitably horrified at various pregnancy stories. Also, I must thank you both for keeping me fed when I’m in the depths of an edit: nobody has a chocolate and biscuit collection quite like either of you.
To Arianna, who always laughs at my jokes, even when I’ve said it four times and Kiera, my soul sister. Thank you also to Claire, I’ll forever be grateful that you took me under your wing in year seven.
To three authors who have always championed me endlessly: Lynsey James, Daisy Buchanan and Emma Cooper. Your kindness and support have helped more than you’ll ever know.
Book bloggers from all over the world have been monumental for me throughout my book life so far, but in particular I must thank Megan Palmer, who gives me random boosts of confidence when I’ve forgotten how to spell my own name.
To my cheerleaders, Alex, Catherine, Maynie, Alice, Hayley, Katy, Georgia, Jamie, Andrew, Adam, Luke, Laura, James, Anna, Emily and Loren.
To my grandparents, sitting and talking about books and theatre with you both is one of my favourite things.
To Chris, my rock, who keeps me silly in the most serious of scenarios.
And finally, to my family. My sister Elle, my brothers Dominic and Tom, my incredible mum and my dad, who never lets any of us take life too seriously.
Would you open a love letter that wasn’t meant for you?
‘A hilarious, heart-warming read’ Daisy Buchanan
‘A charming, uplifting read . . . Delightful’ Roxie Cooper
Available now in eBook, audio and paperback from Headline Review!
If you enjoyed House Swap then you’ll love The List That Changed My Life . . .
‘One of the most hilarious books I have read for
a very long time’
Emma Cooper
Available now in eBook, audio and paperback from Headline Review!
Keep in touch with Olivia Beirne!
www.oliviabeirne.co.uk
olivia.beirne
/Olivia-Beirne
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House Swap Page 27
