“Okay…the cooked breakfast will be with you shortly.”
James’ mother opens her mouth as though she’s about to say something, but she shuts it sharpish. She smiles and nods as I turn and walk out of the dining room into the hallway. I lean my back against the wall to catch my breath. My hands are still trembling.
“James…say something,” I hear James’ mother whisper from inside the dining room. My heart stops for a moment. I feel like I should walk away, but I need to know what he’s thinking. Is he hurting as much as me?
He sighs loudly. “I…I just don’t get it. We were fine the other night. I thought I was finally getting somewhere with her.”
“Maybe she’s not interested,” James’ father says. I can tell he’s trying to be helpful, but he’s unemotive approach will hit James like a punch to the stomach. “I know you’re not used to being rejected, son, but maybe you should let this girl go.”
“What if I don’t want to?” James replies indignantly.
“That’s not really your choice, son. Be realistic. We leave in a few days. This would have happened sooner or later.”
“Not helpful,” James’ mother snaps. “Honey…what your father means is he doesn’t want to see you get hurt.”
There’s silence for a moment and then James laughs dryly, completely devoid of humor. “Well, Mum…it’s a bit late for that, isn’t it?”
I can’t do this. I need to walk away. I hurry back to the kitchen and try to get involved with my work, but there’s a lot less to do now that the guests are beginning to head home in droves. I have to keep wiping tears from my face, and the other chalet girls are looking at me as though I’m crazy. What is wrong with me? I could’ve avoided this. I could’ve just allowed my heart to get broken and dealt with it. I’ve survived it once; I can do it again.
I should never have allowed James to get hurt in the process. Hearing him express his vulnerability has made this all ten times harder. Now, my guilt is undeniable and raw. I’ve damaged him, and I can’t turn back time and do things right. He wanted to talk and I didn’t even give an indication that I wanted to speak to him too. Now, I don’t know how to make this better.
I guess I’ll just have to accept that I’m not the victim here. I’m the villain. Now that the tables have been turned, now that I’m the one ruining something good, I question how David dealt with this. Does he still think of how he hurt me? Will this pain remain forever?
At least if it does, I’ll suffer the way I should.
10
Ten Lords a-Leaping
I am not the woman I was ten days ago. I have spent many years believing that if I keep my distance from people, then they can’t change me. They can’t manipulate the way I feel. And yet, ten days with James has made me someone I don’t recognize. For a few days, I thought he was healing me. Now, I feel more twisted and terrible than I did before.
The truth is that love terrifies me. It makes me scared to feel. It only opens your heart to an attack. It hurts more than being alone does. Maybe I’m a coward for running away from something good just to prevent any suffering. But at the end of the day, I’m more likely to remain unscathed if I keep my distance.
But James has made me realize something else. I don’t want to live that way anymore. I don’t want to be alone. Having a taste of his presence has made me feel so alive. He’s brought out the side of me that I’ve missed sorely since I’ve put my guard up. He’s made me smile until my cheeks hurt. He’s made me want to give part of my heart away.
All this positive emotion has scared me, though. It reminded me that all these good feelings can be ripped away in an instant, leaving me more miserable than before. And now that I know he might be hurting the same way, I have to try and patch this up, at least for his sake. I need to speak to him today or I’m not going to get another opportunity.
It’s early when I enter the dining room and find him sitting on his favorite sofa by the fire. He’s got his drawing utensils on the table in front of him, but the paper is completely blank. He’s staring into the fire, watching the flames dance. I check my watch. It’s five a.m. I guess he couldn’t sleep either.
I slowly enter the room and sit down beside him quietly. I know he’s noticed me. I know he knows who is sitting beside him, but he doesn’t look up. The only sound is the crackling of the fire.
I know I have to speak first. I take a deep breath.
“You said you wanted to talk? Well, I’m here.”
James closes his eyes, shaking his head to himself. “That’s not really good enough, Hazel… I want an explanation. Why did you have to ignore me like that? Why would you throw away something good? Unless…did you ever like me, Hazel? Because I’ve spent years asking myself that question. I thought I finally had my answer, before you decided to ignore me. What’s going on in that head of yours?”
I swallow. There’s a lump in my throat. He finally looks my way. I can see the evidence of dark circles under his eyes. I did this to him.
“James…I like you more than I can explain,” I say. It feels like I’m putting my heart on the line more than ever, but I have to try and be honest. “I just know how this goes. You’re going home in a few days… I don’t want to be your holiday fling, James. I’m not that kind of person.”
“So you’re saying I am?” James snaps. His face his full of pain and anger. It’s a side to him that I've never seen before, and I never want to see it again. Knowing I’m the reason for it makes it even worse.
“No, I just…this can’t last, James. It doesn’t matter what kind of person you are because you’re moving back to England. I’m staying here. It’s not exactly something we can keep up, is it? It has nothing to do with my feelings for you.”
“Why can’t we just enjoy this while we can? I’ll be back next year. We can pick up where we left off. We can talk all the time…”
I shake my head. His way of thinking is a little naive. I guess a boy who is used to getting his own way is more willing to look for a solution, no matter how unrealistic it is. My eyes prickle with tears.
“It doesn’t work that way, James. It would hurt too much… I don’t want to think about all the ways this could end badly. I just don’t see how things can end well at all.”
James lets out a frustrated sigh. “Well, you know that’s your problem, right? You’re such a wonderful girl, and yet you look for the worst-case scenario all the time. Why are you so determined for everything to be doom and gloom? Can’t you broaden your mind for once and believe that something might go well for you? It pains me to think you live your life this way.”
“I can’t just let go!” I cry out. “I’m not that person. God, I wish I was, James, but this is me. I overthink everything. I hurt so easily. I’m not ready to commit to a year away from you. I’m not ready to be alone again when I thought I had a chance at something. Can’t you see that?”
James falls silent and his face softens. He pities me. I can see it in his eyes. He thinks I’m pathetic. I wipe my eyes and look away from him.
“Look. Hazel…I think maybe you’re right, in a way. Making this work would be hard. I knew that when I kissed you the other night. I knew I’d spend nights alone thinking about you. I knew I’d spend entire days wishing I could jump on a plane to come and see you. But I also thought that maybe it would be good for us. Maybe we’d come back together stronger than ever…every cloud has a silver lining, right? I’ve learned to think that way, ever since Jennifer died. I took a risk pursuing you…and if you really feel so negatively about this…then maybe that was a mistake.”
The comment stings. I don’t want him to ever think of me as a mistake. I was hoping we could leave things in a bittersweet state. I know that I’ve caused this situation myself, but I never expected such a negative reaction from him. I think of the kiss we shared. I imagine James’ lips close to mine. If he’d pulled away then, knowing what the future would hold, then maybe he could’ve been spared this pain. I might have spent time
pining for him, and him for me, but no one’s heart would’ve been broken. We would’ve moved on eventually. Now, this feels like someone has attacked our relationship with an axe, leaving only devastation behind.
That person with the axe was me.
“James…I’m sorry.”
James glances into my eyes one last time. For the first time, I see that he’s looking at me differently. Like I’m a stranger to him.
“Me too, Hazel. Me too.”
11
Eleven Pipers Piping
I told the other girls I was sick today so that I could stay in my room. James leaves tomorrow, and seeing him again will just be painful for both of us. I don’t have anything left to say that wouldn’t hurt me more. It’s time to let go.
But it’s easier said than done. He consumes my every thought. The twelve days of Christmas end tomorrow when he leaves, and it feels painful to think that it might be the end of me and him. I know I won’t come back to this place if he’s going to be here too. I think in the back of my mind, he was the reason I kept coming back here in the first place. Now, he’s the reason I can’t return.
Time is a great healer, or so they say. Maybe in a year he won’t even remember my name. Maybe I’ll have moved on. But the men I fall for tend to have a grip on my heart for longer than I ever want them to. Something tells me that leaving James behind might even be more painful than leaving David. Because James never ever did anything to deliberately hurt me. I was the one who messed things up.
I stare up at the ceiling, wanting so badly to speak to him one last time. I play memories through my head of him laughing, of him looking at me with his perfect smile, of him leaning in to kiss my lips. I think of the fireworks he set off in my heart. I know I can’t just sit here and feel sorry for myself.
I have to explain myself to him.
Before I can tell myself it’s a bad idea, I’m grabbing paper and a pen. I sit on my bed, the paper balanced on my knee, and take a deep breath, ready to spill my heart out. Then, I begin.
Dear James,
I know I’m probably the last person you want to be thinking of right now, but I can’t get you out of my head. I really loved every second we spent together this holiday season, and I know it’s my fault you’ll leave here with sour memories of me. I can’t change that. But I can tell you a bit more about why I withdrew from you.
On Christmas Eve a few years ago, my life was perfect. At least, I thought it was. I came home from work and found the love of my life kissing someone else in my doorway. Years of my life crumbled before my eyes, and I saw that it doesn’t matter how much you care about a person—they can still let you down. Hard.
It changed my perspective on life forever, and it made me believe that Christmas was somehow cursed for me. It’s a time of year that I used to hold dear, but now, I just feel pain each time it comes around.
Every year I’ve known you, I’ve watched how you celebrate the event with your family and friends. I’ve been jealous for all this time, desperate to recapture the magic of the holidays. And as we’ve grown closer this year, I felt a spark in my heart. You wanted me to fall in love with Christmas again, and so I did. You helped me see the light at the end of the tunnel.
When we kissed for the first time, it was the happiest I’ve been in years. I felt like the things I’ve been missing from my life were handed to me on a silver platter. But it became clear to me quickly that this happiness was never going to last. It made me feel sad and bitter all over again. I hate feeling this way…I really do. You said that I look at the negatives, as though I get some kind of joy from it, but it’s my defense mechanism. I can’t move on from my past. I assume the worst all the time. Even when perfection was sitting right in front of me, I found I couldn’t reach out and grab it. Because losing you might have been the final straw for me.
I know I’m thinking too deeply about this. We shared a few kisses, big deal. Well, I guess it was a big deal to me. It’s the moment I was waiting for. I’m sorry that I didn’t have the courage to see this through. I’m sorry that things ended badly. I wholeheartedly want to apologize for wasting your time and for pushing you away. You did nothing wrong at all. I wish you well, and I truly hope that you find someone who isn’t scared to risk everything for you. It’s what you deserve.
Love,
Hazel
I put my pen down, feeling a strange sense of relief. I don’t know whether this is a good idea or not, but I guess I’ll never know. Tonight, I’ll leave it outside his bedroom, as he’s done for me for the past week. I’ll avoid him tomorrow until he’s left, and he’ll have no way of getting in contact with me. We’ll leave our experiences in the past, but he will know the truth behind what I did. That will make this whole thing a little easier to swallow, at least.
As night falls, I wait patiently for the right time to deliver the letter. While I wait, I draw James one final picture—eleven pipers piping, to keep in with our little tradition. It’s not anywhere near as good as his drawings, but I think he’ll appreciate the effort, even after all the pain I’ve caused him. I know in my heart that he’ll find a way to forgive me because it’s in his nature, but still, I’m glad I won’t have to face him again. It’s time to say goodbye to my British boy.
I deliver the letter at midnight. The grandfather clock in the dining room sounds as I walk to his doorway. I say a silent goodbye as I head back to my bedroom, feeling pain in every step I take and with every memory I recall.
It shouldn’t have ended this way. But it’s over now, and there’s nothing left to say.
12
Twelve Drummers Drumming
This morning feels cruelly nostalgic. I feel an ache in my heart from the moment I wake, coming to the realization that this is it. James and his family will be due to leave the chalet at midday, and I’ll never see him again.
I’ll never know the joy of watching him draw by the fire again. I’ll never get to pour him coffee at breakfast and listen to his corny jokes again. I’ll never experience his motivational speeches and him constantly pushing me to follow my passions and dreams. Some day, he’ll channel all that passion and love into someone who isn’t me, and I’ll spend the rest of my days wondering what could’ve happened between us.
This might be a mistake. I’ll never know, I suppose. When I told David to leave my life, I knew for certain that it was the right decision, even though it was breaking my heart. He wasn’t good for me. He’s the poison that’s been living in my veins ever since, convincing me that I’ll never be good enough for a man that I care deeply for. I accepted a long time ago that my perspective on love has been skewed, but it’s never mattered until now. Now that I’m falling for someone who has so much to give and I can’t find a way to accept it, I know that I’m screwed.
I lie in bed for a long time, but my restlessness gets the better of me. I pace the room for a while. I flick through the pictures that James drew for me. I take a long shower and try to wash away the pain I’m feeling. But when someone knocks on the shower door, my heart jolts.
“Who is it?” I ask meekly.
“It’s Melissa,” my fellow chalet girl announces. “I’ve been asked to get you to the kitchen. We’re a little understaffed.”
I sigh. I guess my pretend sickness will have to end now. Apparently, heartache isn’t enough to keep me from doing my job.
“Alright. I’ll be there in five minutes.”
Feeling miserable and anxious, I dress and head to the kitchen, praying that I’ll be able to avoid any familiar faces. All of the suitcases are crowded by the entrance to the chalet, but there’s no sign of any guests in the corridor. It’s relieving, to say the least. Even seeing a member of James’ family would be enough to set me off right now.
But when I reach the kitchen, there’s no one there. I sigh. I guess understaffed means there’s literally no one to help out. I suppose it’s flu season. There is a pile of dirty plates by the sink, so I begin to sort through them tiredly.
“Hazel?”
I almost drop a plate as I hear my name. It’s definitely not one of the chalet girls… When I turn around, James is standing in front of me, a pained look on his face. He’s holding my letter in his hand, watching me with sad eyes. I try to catch my breath, putting a hand to my chest.
“You scared me…”
“You scared me. I thought you were going to let me leave without saying goodbye. I had thought, even after everything, you’d want to wave me off.”
“Of course I wanted to…but you had no reason to want to see me again,” I say quietly. I lean on the kitchen counter for support. It feels as though my legs could give way at any moment.
James sighs. “I don’t hold grudges, Hazel. What happened hurt me…a lot. I can’t deny that. But I imagined we’d put it behind us… I imagined we’d remain friends.” James pauses, glancing down at my letter again. “But if I read between the lines here, I don’t think friendship is what you want, is it? You want somebody to love you…to care for you properly.”
James takes a step closer to me and I hold my breath. Being back in his presence again is both wonderful and terrifying. He closes the gap between us, putting the letter aside so that he can rub my arms. Goosebumps form on my skin.
“I’m so sorry for what happened to you, Hazel. You shouldn’t have had to deal with that. You deserve to have someone who loves you completely. But I would never do that to you. You know that, right?”
“I thought that about him,” I say quietly. “It’s hard to trust someone, and we’re only just getting to know one another, James. Don’t you think it’s too soon to be making promises about what you will and won’t do?”
Christmas Promise Page 5
