Caleb. My thoughts go straight to Caleb. I don’t need a scan to tell me how I feel about him. Trouble is, I’m twenty-five years old and Caleb and I have camped in the friend zone so long we are building Monopoly hotels on the property. Nothing is going to happen between me and Caleb Anders.
Maybe the solution is to go out with Dale and just see if something can grow. All good things grow from seeds. Maybe something will grow with Dale. He’s nice, after all. I could do worse. That’s settled.
Mindy: Hey, Dale. Thank you for asking me out. I’d be glad to go on a date with you this Friday.
Dale: Great! I’ll pick you up at five. I’m looking forward to it.
Glad. That’s pretty honest. I didn’t say looking forward to it like I did about lunch with Caleb. I’m glad. Glad. Glad. Glad like the trash bag. Oh dear. I shouldn’t have said yes. Who goes on a date when they are only glad about it? There’s a reason those trash bags are called Glad. They are a warning to all single women. Don’t date if you feel only glad to go. Heed the trash bag.
But I’ve said yes. I’ll make the most of it. Another thing that should never have to be said about a date. Who knows? Maybe he’ll surprise me. Maybe I’ll surprise myself. It’s not like we’re getting married. We’re just going to supper and a play.
chapter five
Caleb
JARED, ROY, COBY, AND I are pumping iron in the weight room. I do love lifting with these guys. We all take it seriously. Partly, the job requires it. You don’t get into wildland firefighting if you can’t carry an 80-pound pack on your back for miles through hectic trails. Our work is physically grueling. We have to stay in shape.
But, for us, it’s more than that. We actually enjoy a little healthy competition in the weight room. Who can bench the most, do the most Muay Thai push-ups—anything like that is game. Half the time we’re blowing off steam through our workouts. The other half of the time we’re aware this is required. Our bodies are part of the key to our job being done well. People and animals rely on us with their very lives.
When we finish working out, we hit the showers. I dry off and get dressed. I’m feeling good. I flex at Jared.
“Look at that tree trunk right there.”
He purposely looks past me out the window and says “Yeah, that old pine out there, lookin’ good.”
We laugh.
He and I are on grocery duty today, but I ask Coby and Roy if they want to hit town with us. The four of us load up in the truck and head out. At the grocery these young women start following us down the aisle giggling—literally giggling. I turn and wave at them just to be friendly and they act like they’ve seen a rock star, or the president—but more like a rock star. We get attention like this whenever more than one of us are out together.
Wearing a fireman’s uniform, even the army green pants and black t-shirts we wear when we’re off fires, makes girls silly. I’m not flirting. My heart is locked down, clamped shut, Fort Knox. Only one woman has entrance there.
Jared leans over to me after he grabs three boxes of spaghetti off the shelf and says in a low whisper, “Man, I’ve told you waving encourages them.”
I don’t know why Jared is complaining. He’s single and open for a relationship. He needs to meet a nice girl and start thinking about his future. Who am I kidding? I dance around my future like a Nez Perce warrior doing the duck and dive around a campfire. Only, that Nez Perce has purpose and I’m just going in circles.
I’m tired of circling this. I’m going to ask Mindy out again. I’ll ask her on a real date. Not “Hey, let’s get lunch,” but a romantic night out. No confusion. I’m not going to make her wonder if I want more with her. I’m going to do what Brett said. I’m going to fight for a chance to have something more with Mindy. I’ll see if she can go out on Friday. I’ve got a few days off. I can check with Jack to see if I can stay in the room they call mine.
As soon as we get back and unload groceries, I head into the station library where we keep a bookcase and a few chairs. Guys don’t go in here too often. I know I can get a minute alone. I stare at my phone like it’s daring me to make the call. Finally, I take the leap and press her number.
“Hey, Mindy. How are you?”
“Caleb! What a nice surprise. I’m good thanks. How are you?”
“I’m good, thanks. Listen, I have a few days off coming up, and I wondered if you would want to go on a date with me Friday. We can do whatever you want, or I’ll plan something. What do you think?”
My heart hammers in my chest. I just said the word date to Mindy. When she answers, my heart feels like it stops.
“Oh. I would have loved that. Sorry. I have a commitment already Friday.”
“Oh, well, that’s fine. No problem. It was a shot in the dark. Last minute. Don’t worry.”
She says, “Let’s plan another time, okay?”
“I’ll do that. I’ll ask another time. Don’t worry. Next time I have days off, Okay? Take care, Mindy.”
“You too, Caleb.”
I hang up and stare at the bookcase. She said she was busy. She didn’t say, “no.” She actually said she would have loved to, but she has plans. So, that’s not completely bad. Love. Love is good. She didn’t say she loves me, of course, but love to—that’s good. So, she’d love to. She just can’t.
I’m still in the running for this. I can’t believe I’m talking to myself like the trainer outside a boxing ring. Maybe I need it—a pep talk so I don’t back out one more time. Still, the first time I ever get the courage to ask Mindy on a date, and she’s busy. Wouldn’t you know? I think I’ll still head to Bozeman for the weekend and hang out with Kat and Jack. I pick up my phone and shoot Jack a text.
Caleb: Hey, bro. I’m off for a few days. Thought I’d come hang in my room—at your place. Unless you and Kat have plans. I don’t want to intrude.
Jack: You are never an intrusion. We’d love to have you. When should we expect you?
Caleb: I’ll leave early Saturday. Expect me mid-morning. And make sure you have a minute for a man-to-man, k?
Jack: Sounds great! Kat is going to be so happy when I tell her. Anything you need to talk about before Saturday—man-to-man sounds serious. You could call.
Caleb: No. I want to talk in person. We’re good. I’m good. Nothing bad. I just need to get your input on something.
Jack: Ok, you got it. See you then.
Caleb: See you Saturday.
I didn’t want to talk about me asking Mindy out over the phone or by text. I need a brother-to-brother talk. This is too important. Plus, I just got her “no thanks” and it’s fresh. I need time to sort my thoughts and feelings. I’m glad I’m heading to Bozeman Saturday, though. That’s needed. A little time with family will do me good.
chapter six
Mindy
I’M LYING ON MY BED staring at my ceiling. I cannot believe my life right now. All these years I’ve waited for Caleb. I’ve held a place for him in my heart and kept it protected. I’ve lived like I was already dating him, even though I didn’t have the courage to let him know. I never let another guy close because I was secretly holding out for Caleb.
The night of the wedding was the closest thing to a date we ever had. Now he finally asked me out and I’m going out with Dale. I wish I could just disappear into the center of the earth right now. I need to talk to Kat.
Mindy: Hey, Kat. Any chance you could meet at Ferris Wheel Coffee for a chat today? I have to bounce something off you and it’s kind of too big for text.
Kat: I’m around. I don’t have a trip until next week. What time is good? You ok?
Mindy: Yes. I’m ok. Sort of. It’s about Caleb. Does meeting in 30 min work?
Kat: Yep. See you there.
I throw my shoes on and head out to my car. I feel like I’m going to burst open now that I’m finally going to talk with someone about Caleb. As I drive up Main Street, a car pulls out of a spot. I take the space and head into the coffee shop.
I order my fa
vorite blueberry tea and find a few comfortable seats along the wall where we can have a little privacy. A few minutes later Kat shows up. She comes over and gives me a hug before ordering. After she gets her latte, she joins me.
She says, “So, tell me everything. I’m all ears and my lips are sealed. I mean, you know I’m not going to share anything you tell me, but I want you to know that for sure.”
“Thanks, Kat. So, you know the other night at supper, when you asked me about Caleb?”
“Yes.”
“When I said it was complicated, well, it got more complicated Sunday. Then this week it got beyond complicated. I don’t do complicated very well and I’m feeling completely overwhelmed.”
I look at Kat. I blow out a long breath and say, “I’ve actually had a crush on Caleb since eighth grade and I’ve never told a soul.”
Kat sits still like any word from her will stop me from sharing. She’s probably right about that. I take a breath. Okay. That’s out in the open.
I continue. “Obviously, crush is a word that is more fitting at that age. But that crush matured over time. I did everything but deny my feelings for him to you the last time we talked. But now, I want to share this with you, and I think you can help me. The words you said the other night have been going around in my mind ever since.”
I look at my hands. They are actually trembling.
Kat reaches across and puts her hand on my arm. Her voice is soft and careful, unlike her usual lively approach.
“I feel so honored that you would tell me. Caleb is a great man. I think he might have the same feelings for you. It sure seemed that way at the wedding.”
Okay. We’re doing this. I’m talking about Caleb.
“That’s the thing. He even took me to lunch the day after. It was so fun, and relaxed, but still like friends. It’s hard for me to read Caleb. He treats me like he does everyone, you know. So, here’s the big complication. He asked me out for Friday.”
“What! That’s great! So, you have a date? This is awesome!”
“Well, if only it were that simple. I had myself convinced that Caleb was going to keep viewing me as a friend. Last Sunday at church Dale blindsided me and asked me out—right while I was greeting at the doors. I was so discombobulated I literally ran out of church like I had a case of poison ivy after the service.”
Kat giggles and I smile a small smile.
I tell her, “Anyway, after mulling it over, I finally decided I should give Dale a chance. Caleb hadn’t given me any reason not to. So, I texted Dale and said yes. I literally regretted it the moment I hit send. Dale is a really nice guy. He’s never going to be the one for me.”
Kat asks, “So, Caleb asked you after Dale did?”
“Yes, Wednesday Caleb called me and said he had a few days off and he wanted to take me out Friday. I told him I was busy. I didn’t say it’s because I’m going to Livingston with Dale.”
Kat gives a slight whistle and says, “Livingston? Wow. Dale doesn’t mess around when he plans first dates, huh?”
“Yeah. And now I’m going out with Dale on the one night Caleb finally asks me out. I can’t just cancel on Dale. I’m spun about the whole thing.”
“Okay. Let’s look at this logically. This is just one date. It’s not like you are in a relationship with Dale. Go on the date. You said yes. Enjoy yourself as much as you are able. Don’t kiss him—I know you wouldn’t anyway. Then, after this, decide what to do about Caleb.”
I tell her, “Caleb did say he wanted to ask me some other time.”
Kat says, “See, there you have it. We solved that. Date Dale once. Wait for Caleb after. Do you feel better?”
“Yes. So much better. Thank you. I still feel a little guilty letting Dale take me out.”
“Don’t. Unless you want to cancel. But that might hurt him more.”
I say, “You know what? I think I am going to cancel. I know this sounds radical, but it feels like I’m leading him on, having him spend money and time on me when I have no intention of taking things further.”
“That’s a good point. I think you’re right.”
“Thank you, Kat. I feel so much better. I thought I was going to pop open trying to figure all that out on my own.”
“I’m here for you, sweet friend. You’ve always been here for me. Let me return the favor now and then, okay?”
“Okay.”
We sit chatting a little longer and then we clear our cups to the dish cart and head out of Ferris Wheel Coffee. I’m so grateful for Kat. What would I do without friends like her? It honestly feels amazing to have shared how I feel about Caleb with someone else, especially Kat. As I sit in my car outside Ferris Wheel, I decide to text Dale and get it over with.
Mindy: Dale, I am so sorry, but I need to cancel our plans for tomorrow.
Dale: Are you ok? Did something come up?
Mindy: Thanks. I’m fine. I think you are sweet, and I’m flattered you asked. I just don’t want to lead you on.
Dale: I can appreciate that. Can’t say I’m not disappointed. Thanks for being up front about it.
Mindy: Thanks for understanding. I’ll see you at church. Take care, Dale.
I feel sad for Dale, but somehow, I feel lighter. He deserves to find a woman who is excited about going out with him, not one who is doing him a courtesy. I wouldn’t have felt right going out with him knowing I have a chance at something with Caleb.
Right now, I feel like driving to Yellowstone and surprising Caleb by showing up at his fire station, but I’ve waited this long. He said he’s going to ask me again. I’m going to wait. Next time, I’ll be able to say a resounding yes.
chapter seven
Caleb
I’M UP EARLY TO HEAD out to Bozeman. I’ve been looking forward to getting out of the station, and I really want to get Jack’s opinion on my situation with Mindy. I know he’s going to goad me into asking her out again. I haven’t fully fleshed out the reality of what I have to offer her. That’s what I need to ask Jack about. I really need to think about my future.
Very few guys stick with Hotshot or wildfire service for long. Most go part-time from the start or give a few years and move on. The toll it takes on the body is intense. Plus, like me, most young guys get through the adrenaline of it all and want to transfer to something more stable so they can plan life with a family.
I’ve let those thoughts take a back burner until I saw Mindy at the wedding. Now they are on a continuous reel in my head, relentlessly taunting me over the wide chasm between the life I have and the one I long to cultivate with her.
I drive up Lodgepole Canyon and turn onto Jack and Kat’s driveway. I do love this home they have together. It’s just right for them. To me, it screams “have some babies!” I chuckle at that thought. Yeah, I’m pushing them. It’s been incredible to watch my brother become a husband. He’s a good one too. I can envision him with kids so easily.
As I knock on the door, I’m remembering us as boys. He pretty much colored in the lines, followed the rules, did what was expected. I gave my parents a run for their money. Mom and Dad. Thinking of them makes my heart squeeze tight.
Jack opens the door.
“Hey, Caleb! Welcome to your home away from home. Come on in. Throw your duffel on the bed.”
He gives me a big hug.
“Thanks for letting me come, Jack. I really need to get my thoughts out of my head and hash through some stuff with you. I’ve been in a spin cycle over Mindy.”
“When haven’t you?”
“Right? But it’s worse right now. I feel like a ticking time bomb. Things got more serious for me after the wedding. Can we sit?”
Jack asks, “Actually, do you mind hopping in the car? I don’t want to brush you off. I need to run down to Ferris Wheel to check on a few things. We can talk along the way, get a coffee, and then come back and have lunch with Kat. Sound good?”
“Yeah. That sounds good.”
I throw my bag down and we head out.
> Ferris Wheel Coffee belongs to my brother and Kat. He left his corporate job about a year ago to follow his dream of owning a coffee shop. It’s a sweet little spot on Main Street loved by college students and locals alike. The building is all brick with floor-to-ceiling windows along the sidewalk. Artists display their work on the walls or play music on the corner stage. I don’t mind heading over there as long as I can unload on the drive.
As Jack and I back out the driveway, he says, “So, you and Mindy at the wedding. I saw that. Looked like you were having a very good time together. Tell me about it.”
“Yeah. That was a night to remember. I mean, I know it was your night. I was so proud of you. It overwhelmed me. I kept thinking of Mom and Dad. I wish they could have met Kat. They’d love her. You know that.”
“What’s not to love? And you’re right. I wish they would have known her—and I wish she could have met Mom, especially.”
We are both quiet for a moment. I realize I still need to get Jack’s input, so I say, “Anyway, at the wedding I decided I was going to take your words to heart. I went for it. I switched it up with Patrice and sat by Mindy, told her how beautiful she looked; we danced all night. I even walked her to her car.”
“And?”
“And it’s Mindy. I feel like if I cross that line in the wrong way, I’m going to blow it with her. So, I saw her off at the end of the night, and I asked her to lunch the next day.”
“Hey, I tell you to go for it. That doesn’t mean you pull out the usual bulldozer methods you use in the rest of your banzai lifestyle. I think you were wise going slowly.”
“You do? Okay. That makes me feel better.”
I let out a breath I didn’t realize I was holding. Fields pass by outside my window and I see the familiar streets of downtown start to draw near.
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