Mindy asks, “Are you okay, Caleb?”
“My leg. It hurts when I move.”
Mindy tells me, “The nurse told us it’s temporarily stabilized. You are going to have surgery. They have to set the bone internally and then you will have a cast. I’ll let the nurse know your pain is high.”
Jack is standing with Kat on the other side of my bed. Mindy walks away. I guess she’s getting a nurse.
Jack says, “Hey, baby brother.”
“Jack, I can’t believe this happened. I feel so lousy.”
I wince as another shot of pain goes up my leg.
“My head is fuzzy. I feel like I could sleep for a week. Mindy loves me. Did you hear her?”
Jack smiles as he tells me, “Yes. So I heard. You said it first.”
“I did? Well, I do. I love her so much. I’ve always loved her.”
“I know you have. You need to rest, buddy. Can you rest a bit? Mindy will be right back. We’re all right here. We’re not leaving you. Just rest.”
chapter thirteen
Mindy
HE LOVES ME. OF ALL the moments for Caleb to declare his feelings. I never imagined he would be lying in a hospital room fading in and out of lucid awareness. When he said it, I looked him in the eyes. He looked like he was going right back to sleep.
I said it. I said, Caleb. I love you too. Tears continue to flow out of my eyes. I feel worn, but also peaceful. Caleb and I are in love. He’s going to make it through this. He just has to.
He moved and cringed while letting out a groan of pain. I asked him what was wrong, and he told me his leg hurt. I left to find the nurse. Now Nurse Jan is coming in with me. She tells us they are going to put Caleb’s leg in temporary traction to keep him from moving around and to contain the pain. His surgery will happen tonight. In the meantime, traction will help.
Tears pour out as I stand over Caleb’s bedside. He’s resting. I gently take his hand and hold it. Jack, Kat, and Jared are sitting in chairs along the other side of Caleb’s room. Jack and Jared are talking quietly. I stare at Caleb. The strongest man I know lies here looking weak and helpless.
When they come to put the leg in traction, Kat, Jack and I walk to the waiting area on the fifth floor. Jared comes in with coffee. He sits with us.
Kat gets up and sits next to me. She puts her arm around my shoulder, and I lean my head on her. I feel exhausted.
“Jared, are you okay?” Jack asks.
Jared takes the seat next to Jack.
He says, “I’m worn out, but I’m hanging in. How are you all holding up?”
Jack says, “It’s a big blow but knowing he’s in good hands is making it bearable. It could have been a lot worse.”
Jared agrees. “It could have. The team pitched in right away. We put him in a four-man carry with support to his neck and head. Got him out of the danger right away. I’m proud of how this was handled. The accident couldn’t have been averted. After it happened it was handled as well as could have been hoped.”
Jack says, “I can’t thank you enough for coming along with him.”
“Caleb is like a brother to me, Jack. I wouldn’t have stayed back. I needed to see him through this.”
Jared looks at me and asks, “Are you holding up okay?”
I say, “I was so scared. I thought I might lose him. I didn’t know how badly he was hurt. I know this is part of what we take on when we fall in love with a fireman. It’s one of the sacrifices we make for attaching ourselves to someone who makes a living saving lives and protecting people. I’m just not adjusted to it yet. I will be, though. Caleb is the only man I ever wanted. I’ll get used to this part of his life in time.”
Jared rubs his hand through his hair. Then he says, “Well, I’ve been doing this professionally for years now, and I don’t know if I ever get used to this part of it, so if you figure that out, send me some pointers, okay?”
I give Jared a drowsy smile. Nurse Jan comes to tell us we can go back into Caleb’s room. She explains that visiting hours are coming to a close. Only one of the closest family members can stay the night. Caleb will be going into emergency surgery tonight for his thigh bone and then they will have him in recovery. He will come back to his room after that – maybe at 3:00 or 4:00 in the morning. She says she’ll let us have twenty more minutes with him and then three of us have to go home. Kat and Jack exchange a knowing look.
Jack says, “Mindy, you should stay.”
“I’m not family, Jack.”
“To us you are. And to Caleb you are too. I’m glad to stay if you don’t want to, but if you want to stay, we will take Jared back to spend the night at our home and we’ll come back in the morning. It’s up to you.”
I say, “I don’t want to leave his side.”
“Well then, it’s settled. Let’s go back in and see him and we’ll say good night in twenty minutes.”
Caleb is groggy, but awake when we come back to his room. He gives me a sedate smile as I walk close to his bed.
In a soft voice he says, “Mindy.”
“Hi, Caleb. You feel any better with the traction and medication?”
“I feel better. You love me.”
I smile. “You caught that, did you?”
“Mmmm hmmm.”
He’s obviously under a bit of a haze from the medication. It’s actually cute. I feel relief just seeing him at ease.
I tell him, “Jack and Kat are going to take Jared home with them. They said I can stay in the chair in your room for the night. Is that okay? Would you rather Jack spend the night with you?”
“You want to spend the night with me Mindy? We’re not even married.”
We all laugh. He’s definitely a little loopy from the pain meds.
“Not like that. I’m going to be in the chair. Over there. You will be here in your bed. Do you want that? Or do you want Jack?”
“Jack’s the best brother in the world. You know that?”
“I do. So, say good night to him. I’ll be staying.”
Caleb says, “Good night Jack.”
“Good night, bro.”
Kat and Jared say goodnight too. Kat gives me one more hug. The three of them leave. I move one of the chairs over next to Caleb’s bed and hold his hand through the bedrail.
Almost as though I’m murmuring to myself, I quietly say, “Caleb. You love me too.”
“Mmmm hmmmm. I sure do.”
He dozes off and I stay there holding his hand, tracing little patterns across his fingers and the back of his wrist. I’m no longer feeling the urgency of tears. Right now, I feel hopeful. Caleb will get through this. We’ll get through it together.
chapter fourteen
Caleb
“MR. ANDERS, WE’RE GOING to take you into surgery. It is going to be an easy procedure. They need to straighten your femur and put some screws in there to help align the bone for healing. I’m going to be putting something in your IV to help manage the pain as soon as we have you in the operating room. You will probably fall back asleep, and you might not remember this surgery at all. A nurse will be with you when you wake.”
The walls pass by as I am wheeled through a hallway. Bright lights alternate with pockmarked ceiling tiles overhead. I want to go back to sleep. My eyes feel heavy and I’m slightly cold. I want a blanket. Why do I only have a sheet on me? Surgery. That’s what he said. Where are Mindy and Jack?
I wake up to a woman’s voice saying, “Mr. Anders, there you are. You came through surgery just fine. Everything went well. Can you tell me your name?”
My name. “Caleb Anders.”
“Very good, Mr. Anders. How are you feeling? Could you tell me your pain level if ten is unbearable and one is barely feeling any pain at all?”
“I feel a little sore in my leg. My head is throbbing in the back. Probably three.”
She says, “Three is good, Mr. Anders. I’m just going to take your vitals and then you can rest. An orderly will be in shortly to take you back to your room so
you can sleep there. You can press this button if you need me at all, okay? I understand your wife is in your room waiting for you.”
My wife? The nurse takes my temperature and my blood pressure. She puts something on my finger and writes down the number. I feel drowsy and thirsty—so thirsty.
When I wake again, I’m in a room.
I hear someone ask, “Caleb, how are you feeling?”
It’s Mindy. She’s here.
I say, “I’m good. How are you? How did you get here? Where’s Jack?”
Mindy says, “I stayed here. Jack and Kat went home. Jared went with them. I slept in the reclining chair they provide for guests. Do you need anything?”
“My mouth feels so dry.”
She offers, “Let me get you a washcloth and some ice chips.”
Mindy comes back with a cup and puts some ice in my mouth. I never felt so much love for ice in my life as the pieces melt down and soothe the cottony and parched places on my tongue and throat. She dabs my lips with the cloth. Her face has a look of concern and care. I want to eradicate her pain—to see her laughing and carefree. I put that disquieted look there and I can’t stand being the source of her hurt.
I turn my head toward Mindy and say, “I’m sorry.”
Mindy pushes a hair off my forehead and looks into my eyes.
She says, “Stop apologizing. What happened to you was an accident. You didn’t do anything wrong. It couldn’t be helped. I’m just relieved you are okay. The rest of this”—she waves her hand in the air from my head to my leg—“we’ll get through it together. Okay?”
Together. Mindy is with me and we’re getting through this together. She leans over and carefully places a kiss on my forehead. I close my eyes.
I HEAR VOICES LIKE they are a little far off, but I’m too tired to join in.
A low male voice says, “So, he made it through just fine. He has to stay a few days to ensure the incision doesn’t take on infection. We’ll be setting up a hospital bed in your living room temporarily through the medical supply company. We’ll have a home-health nurse and physical therapist coming in to show you all you need to know about wound care and to help him get up and walking. Thankfully the break was low enough on the femur that he doesn’t need a full body cast. I’ll give the nurse a list of physical therapists for you to contact. He will be healing for the coming four to six months. With his physical condition before the break, and his age, I imagine he’ll heal relatively quickly.”
“Thank you, Dr. Angstrom.” Jack. Jack is here.
The doctor says, “If you have any questions, you can call my office. The nurses will put my number on the discharge papers.”
I hear Jack say, “Thank you.”
“Caleb, how are you feeling?” The man is speaking to me now.
“I’m okay. Sleepy mostly.”
“That’s to be expected. Your brother is here. He’s going to take care of you. He has my information and I’ll be back in tomorrow to see how you are doing.”
“Okay.”
I look over to the other side of my bed. Mindy is standing quietly looking at me. She reaches her hand out and puts it over mine. She looks tired. I give her a feeble smile and close my eyes again. I want to scoop her up and spin her, to feel her giggle in my arms. I’m too weak right now. I have to sleep. I don’t deserve her. She’s too good for me.
MY NEW SETUP IN KAT and Jack’s living room consists of a hospital bed with a trapeze bar over it so I can hoist myself into different positions. A nurse comes daily to help clean me up and check my condition. They are concerned because I had a concussion along with the leg injury and anesthesia doesn’t provide real rest.
Hospitals sure aren’t restful places. Every few hours someone pokes their head in to ask a question or prod you with something. The noises and smells are strange.
Since being at Kat and Jack’s I’m resting better. Mindy comes up every day. She’s been present as much as I can remember. Whenever I nap, it seems I wake up to see her curled up on the couch or sitting in a chair reading a book. She’s by my side and brings me food or drink.
I feel like I let her down. I know it’s crazy, but I don’t want her to have to live through things like this. She shouldn’t have to.
My pain is pretty subdued right now. When it spikes, I have some pills the doctor gave me. I take them on a schedule. When it gets close to time, my pain seems to know it. Otherwise, it’s not too bad. Jack comes and goes to take care of the coffee shop. Kat’s mostly around, sometimes chatting with Mindy; sometimes puttering in other parts of the house.
Mindy says, “Hey, Caleb, you’re up. How are you?”
“Yeah. I feel like all I do is sleep and watch TV. Some fun boyfriend I turned out to be.”
“Don’t even say things like that. You are the perfect boyfriend and the one I would choose any and every day.”
She steps closer and carefully climbs up next to me in my bed. She nestles her head on my chest and I wrap my arm around her back. We lie quietly together.
I say, “I feel helpless—and that’s not my comfort zone. I’m used to being in charge. I save forests, tame fires, lead teams of men into dangerous situations. I don’t know what to do with all that stripped from me.”
Mindy tilts her head so she’s looking up at me. She speaks almost in a whisper, but with intensity.
“Being a firefighter—that’s what you do, not who you are. I know you are feeling squirrelly being trapped here. It’s a huge adjustment. Just know you aren’t going to be like this forever. It’s a short-term hindrance. Before you know it, you’ll start more intense physical therapy and soon after that you will be up and about. Your cast should be off in five weeks if all goes well. Not much ever kept you down for long. I doubt this will be any different.”
“Thanks. You are so good for me. The best medicine in the world, really. You sure you want to be lying here snuggling with me when I haven’t had a decent shower in days?”
We laugh. Oh, it feels good to laugh right now.
Mindy says, “I know you get cleaned up every day, so it’s not like you stink or anything. And, yes. I want to be here with you. There’s nowhere I’d rather be right now.”
She nestles her head back down and we lie there quietly.
Mindy’s phone rings. She gets up from my bed and walks into the kitchen as she talks.
“Hi, Mom. Yes. I’m at Caleb’s. He’s doing better. Thanks ...”
She comes back a few moments later to tell me she has to run over to her parents’ house for a little bit. She kisses me and leaves out the front door. After she goes, I lie here worrying my life isn’t suited for Mindy. She says all the right things. She’s been attentive and present. I just hate the feeling that I’m causing her distress. I don’t want to burden her. It’s not fair to ask her to make the kind of sacrifices my lifestyle requires. She got too close to the fire and she’s getting burned right along with me.
chapter fifteen
Mindy
IT FELT GOOD TO GO out and run with Shannon this morning, but at the same time guilt flooded me. Caleb can’t run right now. I know that isn’t my fault at all, but it felt odd running when he is trapped in a bed with cabin fever. Once he is cleared from the aftermath of the concussion, he will be able to get out a bit more. That will be good for both of us—him especially.
I drive up to Kat and Jack’s after church. I brought sandwiches from a deli in town and some lemonade to share with Caleb. When I knock on the door, Kat answers.
“Hey, Mindy. Come on in. Jack is at the shop. Caleb is in the living room watching some home improvement show. I’m getting ready for a shoot I have next week, so I’ll be in the office if you need me.”
I say, “Thanks, Kat. How is he?”
She looks a bit hesitant.
Then she asks, “Honestly?”
“Of course.”
Kat says, “He seems a little sullen and he’s been irritable on and off. He’s not sleeping consistently. He isn’t as
hungry as usual either. You know Caleb. He usually could eat a horse by himself for breakfast. Right now, he sometimes skips a meal.”
I say, “Maybe it’s just because he’s not burning as many calories. He’s cooped up here for the time being.”
Kat says, “I don’t know.”
She sighs and then I can see her trying to infuse the situation with hope.
Her face lightens a little and she says, “I’m sure it’s temporary. He’ll get to move around more next week. That should make the difference. You know. You can’t keep that guy down.”
I say, “I’m sure you’re right. He’ll be back to his old energetic self in no time. For now, I’m just going to care for him and stand by him. It seems to help.”
Kat says, “You are the only thing that helps right now. No pressure! You know what I mean.”
“I do. I’m glad to be able to make a difference – if I can. Well, I’m going to head in and see him. Thanks, Kat.”
She says, “Okay. Let me know if you need anything.”
I walk into the room where Caleb lies in his hospital bed. He barely smiles when he sees me. I try not to let it deflate me. He’s hurting.
I walk over to him and say, “Hey, Caleb. I picked up pastrami melts from the deli. You hungry?”
He says, “A little. It sure is good to see you. I think this is the fourth house I’ve watched these people flip today. I’m a little over home improvement at this point.”
I say, “I hear you. Only so much TV I can stand to watch and then I feel stir-crazy.”
He asks, “So, what did you do today? Fill me in on what’s going on outside these four walls.”
I run through what I’ve done before coming here.
“Well, I sat on my porch first thing this morning for some quiet time with God. Then I ran with Shannon, got ready for church, and went to the ten thirty service. After that, I picked up sandwiches at the deli and came here.”
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