I take off running. Someone is calling to me. I don’t stop. I can’t stop. I have to get out of here. My purse! My phone! I must have dropped them. I can’t go back. I have to get out of here!
A car pulls up next to me. I scream while I keep running. I hear the single whoop of a siren.
I’m still running. I have to outrun this. Tears are pouring down my face. The window of the car rolls down. I break into a sprint. When the car approaches me again, I realize it’s campus security. I stop running and double over. Then I drop to my knees and cradle myself.
The officer comes around. He asks me if I’m okay. I can’t speak. My vocal cords seem frozen. My whole body is shaking violently. I feel riveted in place, but far away.
“Miss, would you like to get in my car? You will be safe there. Here, let me open the door.”
I stare at him as he opens his car. I get in—part of me wants to keep running, and another piece of me wants to hide in his car. Where is the man who attacked me?
The officer asks, “Miss, are you okay?”
I nod. I’m not okay. I may never be okay.
He says, “We were on patrol and we saw the last bit of the struggle as we rounded the corner. May I ask your name?”
“Mindy. Mindy Morse.” My voice feels like it’s coming from somewhere else.
The officer tells me, “Another guard is chasing the man who attacked you. I think you dropped your things during the attack. Is it okay with you if we drive back to pick them up? I won’t leave you unprotected, Mindy.”
I nod again.
“You were very brave, Miss Morse. I saw as I approached the scene. You used some strategic moves to protect yourself. I hope you know that. You did a good job.”
I know he means to comfort me. Right now, I feel like I’ll never be safe again.
He pulls up to the spot where my life changed forever.
“I’m just going to hop out and gather your things. Would you feel better if I lock the car while I walk over there?”
I nod again. Being locked in this car sounds like how I want to spend the rest of my life. I never want to be exposed like that again. I watch as he walks over to the sidewalk and scoops up the contents of my purse from all over the sidewalk. He picks up my notebook too. When he comes back, he unlocks the car and reaches across to hand me my things.
Once he’s seated next to me, he asks, “Did you get a look at the man who did this to you?”
I shake my head.
The officer says, “I saw him at a distance. When he saw our cars pull up, he ran, so we didn’t get a good visual. I can take a report for you and send a copy to the police, or you can go there yourself. Which would you rather?”
I don’t want choices right now. I don’t want questions. I want to disappear and never return.
I sit there numbly and finally say, “I’ll tell you.”
“Miss Morse, my name is Officer Johansen. I didn’t properly introduce myself. I’ll give you a card when I drop you off.”
He’s going to drop me off? I’ll have to be alone.
He asks, “Can you tell me what happened? Take your time.”
I sit there wishing someone else could do this for me.
I say, “I was walking to my car from a CEU class in the Education Building.”
He sits quietly listening as I gather myself to continue.
I say, “I got this feeling someone was behind me, so I called my friend Kat. Kat. Oh gosh. I should call her.”
He asks, “Do you want to call her now? Or do you want to tell me first and then call her?”
“I should call her.”
“Okay. I’ll wait. Do you want privacy? I can step out and lock the vehicle.”
I ask, “Would you mind?”
He says, “Not at all.”
I pull up Kat’s number as Officer Johansen steps out of the car. I hear the locks click. I notice the screen on my phone has a crack across it and the corner is scuffed from when I dropped it.
Kat answers, “Hello? Mindy? Are you ok?”
“Kat.” I start sobbing uncontrollably.
I don’t know how long I cry. She’s talking and I’m trying to catch my breath so I can answer her.
“Mindy. Where are you? Hon? Are you okay? Mindy?”
“No.”
I pause. I don’t even want to say this, but I have to.
“I was jumped on campus.” I gasp and sob. How am I going to get through this?
“Oh, Mindy!”
“Don’t tell Caleb. I don’t want him worrying about me. He’s got enough going on, and we’re not on the best of terms. Please don’t tell him, Kat.”
“I won’t. This is your information to share, not mine. Where are you?”
“I’m on campus in the car of a security guard. I need to make a report.”
Kat says, “I’m coming down. Where on campus are you?”
I tell her, “By Lot B at the entrance by the Education Building. Do you have to tell Jack? I don’t want him to tell Caleb.”
“I want to tell Jack what happened. If you don’t want him to tell Caleb, I know he won’t. Is that okay with you? I want to stay at your house tonight. I don’t think you should be alone after this. If I’m going to do that, Jack has to know.”
I say, “Okay.”
“Okay. I’m on my way.” Kat says, “Hang in right where you are.”
I hang up with Kat and motion to Officer Johansen that I’m off the phone. He gets back in the driver’s seat and continues to ask me about the attack.
“Can I continue with our report now, Miss Morse?”
I nod.
“So, you noticed someone might have been behind you, and you called your friend. That’s a good thing to do—that way you aren’t appearing unguarded, and a person on the other end of the phone can sometimes act on your behalf.”
I answer, “Yes. That’s what they taught us in self-defense class. I’m a teacher. They have these classes for us at our school”
He says, “That’s excellent. So, what happened after you dialed your friend?”
“That’s when he jumped me. He came from behind. I just started using what they trained us to do. I ducked and made space and used my elbows. When I felt his grip loosen, I ran. I’m a runner.”
“That, I can attest to. I thought you were going to outrun my patrol car at one point.”
“I wasn’t thinking. I was just so out of it and focused on staying safe. It took me a bit to realize you were security.”
He says, “You were in shock. Probably you are still in some shock. Would you like me to take you to your car?”
I say, “Yes please. Would you mind staying until my friend arrives? I don’t want to be alone right now.”
“That’s normal and understandable. I’ll wait until she arrives. Here’s my card in case you need to follow up with me at any time. Also, can you fill in your address and phone number here while we wait?” He hands me a clipboard with some forms on it.
“Sure. Thank you. Really. I owe you a huge thanks. I’m not really myself right now.”
I write in my information. We drive over to my car. I sit in the patrol car with my legs tucked up to my chest staring out the front windshield. Barely ten or fifteen minutes later, Kat drives up. She jumps out of her car and runs over to where we are parked. I step out.
“Mindy!”
She throws her arms around me and I collapse into her and sob. I literally fall apart in her arms as she stands whispering words of comfort into my hair. She says something to the officer. He responds. Then he asks if I’m okay with him leaving. With Kat here, I feel okay. I’m wiping my nose on my shirt, trying to catch my breath. I feel like someone is standing on my chest.
“I’m taking you home. I don’t want you to drive right now. Do you need anything out of your car?”
I shake my head.
“Okay, come over to my car and let’s get you home.”
chapter seventeen
Caleb
&n
bsp; I’M FINALLY GOING TO visit the physical therapy office. Kat is driving and I’m sitting quietly in the back seat so my leg can stretch out.
It basically demoralizes me to have to rely on her and Jack for everything right now. I went from running a team of firefighters to needing support for every little thing.
Kat drops me off and tells me, “I’m going to run an errand. I’ll be back in forty-five minutes to pick you up, okay?”
I say, “Yeah. Sure.”
I know I should be nicer. I honestly can’t muster it up these days.
I walk into the therapy office waiting room and give my name to the receptionist. A gal walks through the waiting room door a few minutes later ushering me back to the workout area. The term workout should be used loosely here. I know what a workout is. What they do here is more like beginning ballet lessons compared to the things I did before the accident.
The therapist meets me at a table that looks like what you’d see in a doctor’s exam room.
“Caleb. I’m Julie. I’ll be your physical therapist. Right now, there’s not a lot we can do until your cast comes off. We’ll be hoping for that in a month if you keep healing well.”
I tell her, “That sounds good.”
She says, “Well, you are young and in good shape, and you aren’t a smoker, though you have had smoke exposure as a firefighter. You should heal well.”
She tells me she wants to look at my gait on crutches and work with my foot and hip a bit to increase blood flow to my leg while not disturbing the fracture during this initial stage of healing. We go through all those exercises, I make my way back out front, and Kat comes to take me home.
When we get back to the house, I maneuver up the steps. I’m getting to be a pro with crutches. I turn on the TV. I never spent much time watching television. Right now, it’s only on so I can drown out my own thoughts. I’m not up for much of anything these days. Everything seems indistinct and meaningless.
I think about calling Mindy, but there’s no point. I feel badly for how we ended, but I don’t regret that it’s over. Our connection had become so strained since the accident. It seemed like she felt obliged.
I don’t blame her. I knew this life of mine demanded a lot of her. It was foolish to ask her to tie herself to me or the hazards of my lifestyle. Now I’ve crumbled. I don’t even know who I am, or who I’ll be when my leg heals. Something deeper than my leg bone was broken in that fall. I don’t know if I can get that back.
I hear Jack come in the front door. He talks to Kat in a low voice.
Jack says, “Hey, beautiful. How are you holding up?”
“Hey yourself.” I hear Kat answer, “I’m doing well.” She speaks more quietly as she says, “I’m concerned about Caleb. He’s not himself. He always brought life into any room he entered. He’s so low. He sleeps a lot, doesn’t initiate conversations, and he’s a bit edgy at times.”
Jack says, “I know. I’m concerned too. I just think we need to give him time. He’ll come around. It’s been a huge blow. Everything was yanked out from under him at once. Have you talked to him about Mindy?”
I hear Kat say, “No. I haven’t. That’s her news to tell, not mine. I don’t want to get in the middle of the two of them by sharing something she doesn’t want me to.”
Mindy’s news? What are they talking about? Maybe she was already planning to break up. I knew it. That’s why she brought it up. She didn’t want to let me down when she knew I was hurting. Being as thoughtful as she is, she was probably holding out until she felt like I could handle the news.
If I thought my leg hurt, it’s nothing like this. Somehow knowing that she was the one wanting to end our relationship magnifies the pain of our breakup.
chapter eighteen
Mindy
I’VE BEEN STAYING HOME the whole week since the attack. I jump at the littlest noise. I almost feel relief that Caleb and I separated. He doesn’t need the new version of me.
I’m sitting on my couch with a cup of tea and a blanket thinking about how much has changed. I was always confident and carefree. Now I feel like a shell of myself. It wouldn’t be fair to ask him to live through this up-and-down roller coaster anyway. He loved my sweet side, the girl who hadn’t been through trauma, the way I cared for others and always saw hope in every situation.
Now my life has this thundercloud looming—it’s like the darkness of the attack has put a long shadow over everything. I never know when it will burst out in a torrent washing away everything precious. I want to shake it—to be what I was, but I’m not the same now. The girl Caleb loved isn’t here anymore.
It’s worse at night. As soon as the sun goes down, I sit with my back to my bedframe. I feel like someone is going to pop through the wall and grab me. I know it’s not true, but my mind is jittery. I can’t convince myself I’m safe. My breath becomes short and my chest tightens.
I used to love sitting on my porch swing to watch the sunset. Now I feel like someone is going to creep around the back of my house and grab me. So, I stay in. I have always felt safe my whole life. Now I don’t even feel safe from my own thoughts when I’m in my house with the door double bolted.
It’s a beautiful afternoon outside. I wish I could bring myself to go outdoors. I look out the window trying to will myself to go out. My phone rings. I’ll pick up for Shannon, but I’m not telling her what happened.
The only person who knows about the attack is Kat. Well, Jack knows because Kat had to tell him so she could stay with me that night. I don’t want to burden people. This has to get better with time. I’m just trying to figure out what I’m going to do—how I’m going to live now.
I press accept and answer Shannon’s call.
She says, “Hey, Mindy.”
“Hey, Shannon.”
“I haven’t seen you all week. Did you want to take our usual run tomorrow morning?”
“Our run?” I ask.
Running reminds me of running away from him.
Shannon says, “Yeah. I thought we could go in the morning. Does that work for you?”
“Actually, Shannon, I haven’t been sleeping well, so an early run won’t work for me.”
“Oh, I’m sorry to hear that. Are you okay?”
I say, “Yeah. I’m fine. Thanks.”
I’m not fine, but I can’t even begin to talk about it.
Shannon asks, “Well. How about afternoon instead?”
I tell her, “I can’t commit to that for now. I’ll text you when I can, okay?”
She asks, “Oh. Okay. Are you sure you are alright?”
“Yes. I think the lack of sleep is getting to me. I’ll be okay.”
“Okay. Well, let’s plan something soon. We still need a do-over on the pizza movie night. Let me know when that could work. Okay?”
“I will, Shannon. Thanks for calling.”
“Okay. Bye.”
I can’t do pizza movie night. I can’t do anything at night. The idea of driving to Shannon’s in the dark and walking up her steps to her porch makes my breath come in short pants. My heart starts pounding. Am I having a heart attack? I notice my hands are trembling and I’m starting to sweat. I think I might be dying of a heart attack! I can’t breathe! I run into my bedroom. Should I call 9-1-1? I need air. Maybe I’m getting asthma. I lie on my bed and cover my head with the covers, and I start crying. How am I going to teach like this?
I wake up in a sweat. It’s 4:07 a.m. My clothes are still on. I must have fallen asleep crying. I get up and check the locks on all the windows and doors. I brush my teeth and climb back into bed. I close my eyes to try to sleep and images of the attack flash in my mind relentlessly. He’s coming behind me! I need to get out of my own skin.
I decide to turn on the TV to help me feel less alone. I pad out to the living room and pick a show with a cupcake baking contest. I turn the volume down low and pull a blanket over myself on the couch.
I wake to my phone ringing. Light filters in through the living room win
dows. I’m still on the couch and the TV is playing in the background.
Kat says, “Hey, Mindy. I was thinking you might want some company going to church this morning. Jack and I could swing by and pick you up. Would that be good?”
I tell her, “I hadn’t decided if I was going to church.”
“Are you okay? I’m sorry I haven’t checked on you. I had a shoot in Washington for four days. It’s been a little hectic with Caleb’s needs and my work. You’ve been on my mind daily, though.”
“I’m not the same, Kat. It’s not been easy.”
I don’t give her all the details. She just said she’s got a lot on her mind. She doesn’t need to feel the burden of my new normal.
“I’m so sorry. I’m sure it isn’t easy. It’s all still fresh. You let me know if church sounds good. We’d love to bring you and drive you back home, so you don’t have to go alone.”
“Yeah. I think it might be good for me. Let’s plan on it.”
“Okay. We’ll be there at ten. See you then.”
I feel constructive having a plan and something to do—especially something where I’m not alone. It’s broad daylight out. I know in my right mind that man is nowhere near here. Some part of my brain can’t comprehend that. I feel a constant sense of danger.
Going to church will be good. I have always felt safe at church. I know almost everyone. I decide to get up, shower and eat something. I haven’t been eating a lot these days. It must be a good sign that I want to eat.
Jack and Kat arrive at 10:00 a.m. I wait for Kat to come back to the house to get me. I don’t like the feel of walking past the Morgans’ home because I have to walk around a corner. I don’t know what’s on the other side. I think I will order mace spray when I get home from church. Kat smiles when I open the door.
“Hey there. How are you doing?” Kat asks.
I blow out a breath to keep the tears that suddenly are urging behind my eyes from falling.
“I’m so-so, Kat. It’s probably to be expected. You know?”
The Fireman's Perfect Match Page 11
