Kat has tears in her eyes. I feel this rush of concern for her. Just like I caused Mindy pain, I realize I’m hurting Kat. I can’t stand to be the cause of her distress.
I say, “Thanks, Kat. You know I love you too. Jack’s a pain in the rear. But I love you.”
Jack laughs at that.
He looks at me with such a driven sincerity.
“Let’s treat this like a fire, Caleb—it’s threatening to overtake you. You need to fight fire with fire. You’ve told me how that works. It’s your time, Caleb. You’ve got to fight this fire. You’ve got to set up a fire to contain the fire that’s threatening to take you down. You’re a fighter. Let’s fight this thing. And you don’t go into fires alone. You get a team. Let’s get a team and let’s beat this thing.”
Jack is right. I can burn this down. In a forest, new growth comes after the older plants burn to the ground. There’s nothing so fresh as the green of baby plants covering the charred remnant on a burned landscape. Fire isn’t always destructive, sometimes it makes way for a whole new life that is more beautiful and vibrant than what preceded it. I’ve got to fight this. I don’t know how, but I know I have to.
THE DAY AFTER WE TALKED, Jack got me an appointment with a therapist named Dan who specializes in helping people with grief and depression. I see Dan once a week now.
I go to a weekly group at Dan’s office. In the group we share our fears and challenges. We receive comfort and encouragement from others in the group. Sometimes it’s the other people who have lived through their own gray and bleak days who can lift me out of the hopelessness better than anyone else. Just knowing I’m not alone has made all the difference.
I’m so thankful Kat and Jack took the risk of confronting me. I was on the precipice of a cliff and who knows what would have happened if I hadn’t reached out for help.
Dan keeps reminding me to focus on what I have in common with others in the group, not to separate myself out. I’m learning a lot there. My sessions alone with Dan are the most helpful. I’m heading in to see him this afternoon. Jack is dropping me off at Dan’s office and then running to Ferris Wheel Coffee for a while during my appointment. I get my crutches out of the trunk and propel myself into Dan’s office while Jack pulls away.
“Hey, Dan.”
“Hi, Caleb. Come on in. How are you doing today?”
I say, “I’m better. Not all the way there, you know, but better.”
He asks, “What’s been on your mind this week since we last met?”
“Mindy. She’s always on my mind, Dan. I miss her. But I don’t want to reach out yet. She has no idea what I’ve been going through. We left on really bad terms and I don’t know if she decided she doesn’t want a relationship with me anymore, or what. I can’t blame her if she’s through. I put up a pretty impenetrable wall around myself and was really standoffish to her when she came around towards the end of her visits.”
Dan asks, “So, what advice would you give yourself if you weren’t you? What I mean is, let’s say another firefighter in your unit had this same situation. What would you tell him?”
I say, “Hmmm. That’s a good question. So, like Jared, he’s my closest friend at the station. First off, I’d tell him to get a girlfriend! That man has been single for too long.”
Dan says, “Right, well, let’s say Jared had a girlfriend, and he got injured. Then he was in an understandable funk afterward. As a result, he pushed his girlfriend away because he was having such a hard time coping with the losses he was facing. What would you tell him?”
“That’s what I was doing, huh? Man.”
I take a breath. Hearing it laid out like that feels like when you look in a magnifying mirror and you can even see your hair follicles. Right now, nothing is hiding from me about what I was going through and how I handled it.
I say, “Well, I’d tell him not to give up. That’s what I’d say. I’d tell him, you don’t just let a girl like that go. You fight for what you had.”
I think about losing Mindy—about how amazing she is. And, to my surprise, I start bawling in front of Dan. He sits there calmly while I hold my face in my palms, tears streaming down my cheeks. When I look up, he has this calm, satisfied look on his face.
“You like that, don’t you? Making grown men cry?”
Dan says, “Yep. It’s my jam.”
We both laugh hard at that. I feel like this freight train that has been parked on my chest just drove off. I’m going to be okay. And I’m going to fight for Mindy. She’s mine and we’re getting back together.
Kat ended up picking me up from counseling. Jack needed to stay on at the shop. I decide I’m going to cook supper tonight.
“Kat, can you take me by Smith’s on the way home? I want to cook supper for you and Jack tonight, and I need to pick up a few things.”
“Ohh, that’s awesome! You feeling up to cooking? That’s a great sign. Me eating what you cook. That’s my idea of a good night.”
I say, “Okay, let’s do this, then. I’m going to make chicken cacciatore, roasted potatoes, and garlic broccoli rabe.”
“Mmmm. Sounds delicious!”
We head to the grocery. Kat pushes the cart while I propel myself behind her calling out ingredients to put in the basket. We check out and head home. After she carries the groceries in, I get myself set up in the kitchen. I haven’t cooked in ages. It feels like I’m reclaiming something I let slip.
As I season and sear the chicken, I think about the time I cooked for Mindy, Jack, and Kat. Life seemed unsinkable then, like nothing would ever come against us. After all the years I spent wanting Mindy, she was mine. It seemed we had overcome our biggest obstacles just finding our way to one another. I had no idea the kinds of challenges we’d be up against so soon after that night.
Kat comes in the kitchen. “Caleb, it does my heart good to see you up and cooking.”
“Mine too, Kat. I was just thinking of the night I cooked for all four of us.”
“I have to say that crossed my mind too.”
I say, “I miss Mindy so much it hurts. But I want to get stronger before I reach out to her. I’m still so broken. I mean, does she even deserve a life with someone as damaged as I am?”
Kat puts her hand on my arm and says, “You can’t think like that. First of all, everyone is battling something. You never know what until you get close enough to let them show you. Secondly, it’s not for you to say whether Mindy deserves you. That’s her choice to make. You wanting to get stronger—that’s a good idea. You need to focus on your own healing and growth. But, cutting her off because you think you know what’s good for her? That’s not really giving her much credit or a fair chance.”
I say, “Right as usual. Do you get sick of being right all the time? I mean, does it wear on you?”
She laughs. “Nope. I’m pretty used to it.”
Then we both laugh.
I suggest, “Maybe Mindy and I can just hang out as friends for a bit. No pressure. I miss her every day. Life is so flat and muted without her to add vibrance and meaning. I did this—pushing her away. But I want her back. I’ll take it slowly. I just need to see if she still wants me.”
Kat says, “Honestly, I don’t know two people more meant for one another. Just give this time.”
chapter twenty
Mindy
I’M ACTUALLY SITTING on my front porch swing reading a book. The fact that it’s an accomplishment baffles me. After sequestering in my home and feeling like someone was going to jump me at any moment, being out here feels huge.
Based on Nancy’s recommendation, I decided to see my primary physician. He put me on a serotonin reuptake inhibitor. It’s a medication used to treat anxiety. Taking the pill every morning isn’t magic, but it has made an enormous difference.
The rumination over fearful thoughts has stopped. I’m not crippled by panic attacks. I still have more hesitation to do things than I ever did. But I can do things now that I wouldn’t have dared a few weeks
ago—like sitting outside and swinging.
I do love this porch—maybe now more than ever. There’s something about losing something you took for granted that makes getting it back even sweeter. I look down to see my phone buzz with a text.
Kat: Hey. I’m at the shop and thought I’d swing by if you are home. Do you have a little time just to hang out and chat?
Mindy: Yes. Speaking of swinging, guess what?
Kat: What?
Mindy: I’m on my front porch—swinging!
Kat: You are outside?
Mindy: Yep. Give this girl a medal. I’m not hibernating.
Kat: You know I’m crying right now, right?
Mindy: Don’t. But, thanks. It’s pretty amazing. I have hope that this will keep being manageable, and maybe even be a part of my past one day.
Kat: I believe you are right. Okay. So, I’m on my way. Want anything from the shop?
Mindy: If they have my fave blueberry tea on ice, I’d love it. I’m staying away from caffeine. It’s not super helpful to have the jitters when you are coping with anxiety.
Kat: I’ll ask Bryce and bring it if we have it. See you in a jiffy.
About twenty minutes later Kat comes around the corner of the Morgans’ walking across the yard to my house. I don’t even flinch seeing someone round that corner. I feel a little glow of satisfaction at the change in my capacity to feel safe.
Kat shouts, “Hey, girl! You are in luck! Blueberry iced tea!”
“Yay!”
She asks, “So, what are you reading?”
I say, “I’m finishing up To See the Moon Again. Makes me realize something you said a long time ago. About everyone having pain, we just don’t always see it.”
Kat says, “Yep. I was just saying that to Caleb the other day. Sorry. Can I say his name? I don’t know what’s good or helpful or hurtful. Okay. Hot mess on duty! Tell me how to talk about Caleb—or not. I need the guidelines. Obviously.”
“It’s okay to talk about Caleb. I never stopped loving him, Kat. He’s just different. God knows I’m different. I wasn’t in a place to leave my house, let alone support him. I didn’t want to burden him. The last time I saw him he basically could have hired a bouncer to throw me out with more finesse.”
Kat says, “I know. It’s been a hard season for both of you.”
I ask, “So, how is he?”
Kat says, “He’s doing well. It’s been a hard road, but he’s doing well. I’m not going to play old-school telephone operator and try to connect the two of you, but he did say he would like to see you when you are ready. No pressure. I’m sure he’ll be the one reaching out to let you know that.”
“He said he wanted to see me?”
“Yep. Exact words.”
I can’t help but smile and a little tear comes into the corner of my eye.
Kat notices.
“Awww. Friend. It’s okay. It’s been hard. It’s like someone took the two of you and tied you to the back of tractors and drug you across asphalt. You’ve been through it. It’s not the end of your story. Not even close. This was just one of those middle spaces where you have to figure out the way things work between the two of you during hard times.”
I say, “I don’t think we passed that exam with flying colors. How do we handle pressure? We separate and self-destruct, and basically stop functioning.”
Kat says, “And you grew. Both of you. It’s not my story to tell, but you both grew. Here’s to Caleb and Mindy 2.0”
She lifts whatever thousand calorie coffee drink she’s got, and I smile as I lift my blueberry tea. We tap the edge of our cardboard to-go cups. I sure hope she’s right.
I ask, “So, tell me about your photo shoot in Washington.”
“Oh, yeah. I had a quick trip to Seattle. My assistant Michael, do you remember him? He came and met me there. I was doing a ‘Places to Visit’ piece about the city. I took pics of Pike Place Market, Seattle Center and the Space Needle, Seattle Waterfront, some places in West Seattle, the Jose Rizal Bridge. That kind of stuff.”
I say, “I do remember Michael. Does he still live in LA?”
Kat says, “Yes. When Jack and I married, I asked Michael to relocate, but he got all stubborn and said he wanted to remain in LA. Imagine!”
We laugh.
I say, “Yeah. Well, the way he follows you around the globe, I wouldn’t be surprised if he did relocate. So, he stayed in LA?”
“Yes, but we still travel to shoots together, and he still runs my website. He has some other gigs to supplement the reduction in my workload since I married. He’s content, and I’m glad I didn’t lose him.”
I say, “Sounds like you’ve got a situation that works for both of you.”
“It does for now. Until the time when Jack and I have babies. Oh my goodness! I can’t believe I even said that out loud!”
I ask, “Kat! Are you pregnant?”
“No. NO. I mean, no. Not pregnant. But someday I hope to be. Right now, I’ve got a big baby brother living in my house, so I’m good.”
We laugh and then my heart gets a little homesick for Caleb. I don’t even know if the Caleb I miss exists anymore. I want to believe we can find our way back to one another—even if what we have when we get there is something really different.
I say, “You know, I was feeling like half a person after the attack. You saved me that day in the church bathroom.”
Kat says, “That should be the title of a book – Saved in the Church Restroom. Okay. No. It totally shouldn’t”
We giggle. Then Kat gets a serious look on her face.
She says, “I’ve told you the guy I dated before I met Jack cheated on me. I walked up on Thomas kissing another woman. Really kissing. In public. He tried to blame me for his indiscretion. That betrayal was totally different than what you lived through, but it still broke me. I wasn’t the same after enduring deep rejection. I lost confidence. I questioned my worth.”
She looks over at me and smiles. “But God didn’t leave me there. He rebuilt me brick by brick. I wish I had talked to someone after Thomas cheated on me. I would have brought a lot less baggage into my relationship with Jack. Seeking help from Nancy is going to make such a difference in what you have to offer Caleb.”
I say, “I hope so.”
Kat left to go have supper with Jack and Caleb. She invited me to tag along, but I didn’t feel it was best to show up at their home before Caleb officially opens that door. If he asks, I’ll come. Otherwise, Kat and I will hang out at Ferris Wheel or my home. I’m sitting on the swing thinking about the gift of her friendship when I hear my phone ring. It’s Caleb! I take a breath and answer.
“Hey, Mindy.”
“Hey, Caleb. How are you?”
“I’m good. Kat just got home. She said you two hung out this afternoon.”
I say, “Yep. We did. She’s such a treasure.”
“That she is.”
I ask, “So, are you calling me to talk about the merits of your sister-in-law?”
Caleb chuckles. “Ha! No. Actually, I was hoping to ask if we could see one another. It’s been a while.”
I say, “It has. I’d like to see you. How are you doing? How’s your leg?”
“I’m feeling good. I am a master on crutches. My cast has a few more weeks until it comes off. My physical therapy will get more intense then—at least what they call intense. It’s nothing like our workouts at the station, but it will be better than what it’s been. I’m starting to see the light at the end of this tunnel.”
I smile. Caleb sounds more like his old self. I try not to get my hopes up too high, but just hearing his voice fills me with warmth.
I say, “That’s great. I’m happy for you.”
Caleb asks, “So, I don’t really know your schedule. Are you still off school? Can you come over for lunch tomorrow? I promise to clean my plate this time.”
“We haven’t started back yet. Lunch tomorrow sounds good. Do you want me to bring something?”
> “No. I’ll make homemade pizza and something chocolate.”
I tell him, “You could have started this whole conversation with chocolate and saved yourself a lot of time.”
Caleb says, “I know. I was just finding ways to keep you talking to me.”
I smile at that. At least Caleb wants to keep me talking. I wonder what he’d think if he knew the whole picture.
I say, “Well, I guess I’ll see you tomorrow.”
He says, “I’m looking forward to it.”
I bring my stuff inside and sit down with my journal. I started the habit of regularly writing out my thoughts a few weeks ago. Nancy said that can help me sort out feelings and examine fears. It has been helpful.
Just had a tentative conversation with Caleb. He invited me to lunch. I’m still embarrassed to tell him about what I’ve been through. I don’t really want to talk about the attack—especially with him. He has endured so much. In time I might tell him, but I don’t feel ready.
I don’t know where we stand right now. Are we friends? Are we trying to get back together? During our call he seemed platonic at times, but then he’d say something flirty. I always had a hard time telling if that was just Caleb or if he feels more for me than he does for everyone else. Am I still special to him?
Maybe he’s just trying to be nice because things ended so badly. He seems to be holding back for some reason. I guess we’ll know more after lunch tomorrow. I want so badly for us to rekindle what we had—and even like Kat said, be more than we were because of all we’ve endured. I’m just not sure how that will happen. At least I get to see him. That’s a start.
chapter twenty-one
Caleb
I LOVE WATCHING JACK in action at the coffee shop. He’s never asked me to come along to work here before today. Of course, I’ve usually had my firefighting responsibilities, so I wouldn’t have the free time to come pitch in. Today when we woke up, he told me he thought it would be good for me to tag along, so I did.
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