by Ivy Smoak
I kept my head down, staring at the path. Until suddenly it ended. I could feel the sun on my face again. The canopy of trees had separated. I looked up and stared at the lake in front of me. It smelled like snow. I couldn’t remember the last time I had thought that. Probably when I was a kid wishing for a snow day. But there was something so peaceful here by the lake. The ominous feeling was gone. Everything was just still and silent. There were pieces of ice along the edges. The whole thing would be frozen soon.
My phone rang again, cutting through the silence. I pulled it out of my pocket and denied the call from an unknown number. I just wanted a minute. One minute to myself. Was this how Violet felt when she came here all those years ago? That this was an escape easier than death?
I thought about the letters I had found in Violet’s current home. Her ex had asked her to meet him out by the lake. She had probably stood right here with him.
Or maybe I had it all wrong. Maybe that wasn’t even her room. For all I knew, she had siblings. Maybe she never came out here. Maybe her ex had been talking about a different lake. I wasn’t sure how many lakes there were around here though. Especially in walking distance from Violet’s old house.
My phone made a beeping noise, signaling there was a new message. I pulled my attention away from the lake. There were two missed calls and two voicemails. I lifted my phone to my ear as I stared out at the lake. What are you hiding, Violet? What happened to you? No matter what I tried to tell myself, it felt like I had been in her room. It felt like she had carved those words into the floorboard. It felt like something horrible had happened in that house, just like Sally had said.
“Hey, Detective Reed.” Violet’s voice sounded on the message. She sounded pissed. I listened to the rest of it and laughed. My laughter echoed across the water. She had basically threatened me. Get here or else? All she had to do was ask. I’d been dying for another chance to explain myself.
I clicked on the other voicemail. It was her again. Apparently she thought I wouldn’t know who was calling. How many Violet’s did she think I knew? But I smiled at the last line of her message. I need you.
None of the woman I had dated in my past really needed me. Maybe because I usually kept my hookups casual. My job had unusual hours. It was hard to have anything serious. But there was something comforting about the fact that Violet needed my help. That she trusted me enough to ask for it.
I turned my head and looked toward the hill in the distance. I could just make out Violet's house through the trees. After another week of leaves falling I’d be able to see it perfectly. Her home was really close to her old house. If something was scaring her there, why didn’t she move farther away? She could have gone anywhere. But she stayed. Why did she stay?
There were millions of questions I wanted to ask her. I looked once more out at the lake before turning around and walking back towards her childhood home. I’d have all afternoon with her. I’d convince her to go to lunch, despite her ramblings about not wanting to be out around noon. Maybe she’d finally open up to me. I just had to make sure I didn’t let something slip that she hadn’t told me herself yet.
I debated calling her back to let her know I was on my way, but that would just give her a chance to change her mind about me coming over. Besides, she was right. I did owe her. I had killed her son’s pet. Maybe. It was possible that the lizard was still alive. Although I doubted it would survive after the first snowfall, which could be tonight.
I picked up my pace. I just wasn’t sure if it was because I was excited to see Violet or eager to get out of the woods. But I knew that the lake was important to Violet. It might have been a safe haven for her growing up. I didn’t love the fact that she used to frequent it with her ass of an ex-boyfriend, but that didn’t mean new memories couldn’t be made there. Better ones. I wondered if I could use a little of the information I knew about her to get back in her good graces. It didn’t feel like cheating to me. Violet was a tough nut to crack. I’d need all the help I could get to make her fall for me.
The thought made me stop right in the middle of the woods. Fall for me? Was that what I wanted? I looked down at the worn path beneath my feet. Violet was all I could think about. She was all that I wanted to think about. I took a deep breath of the fresh air. For once in my life it might be nice to be needed.
***
I closed my car door and made my way up to Violet’s front porch. The rest of the woods were a little creepy. But here? I was drawn to this place. Her home was warm and inviting, as long as she wanted me there. Today was my chance to prove to her that I belonged there too.
“You came.”
I turned around before my foot hit the first step. Violet was sitting on the ground by her truck. Her eyes were red like she had been crying. And I realized it definitely wasn’t her home that I was drawn to. It was her. All I wanted to do was put my arms around her and take away whatever pain she was experiencing. But I was still on her shit list.
“I was told I had to come…or else.”
She gave me a weak smile. “Threatening cops seems to be my new favorite past time.” She turned away and quickly wiped beneath her eyes, like she could hide the evidence of her tears.
I didn’t want her to hide from me anymore. I started to walk over to her. “Car trouble?”
“Everything trouble.” She stood up and brushed the dirt off her ass. She was wearing a pair of jeans that hugged it perfectly. And a sweater. Just a sweater even though the temperature was dangerously close to dipping below freezing.
When she had been at the precinct a few days ago, I'd asked her if she owned a winter jacket. She had ignored my question. But she clearly didn’t. I watched her pull her hat a little lower over her ears. And I realized I didn’t really know anything about her. Just the whispers of a town that hated her. Did she even have a job?
I started to unzip my jacket.
“I’m going to stop you right there. I’m not going to steal your…” she sighed as I wrapped my coat around her shoulders.
“It’s fine. I was overheated anyway.” I wasn’t. I could see my breath as I spoke the lie. It was fucking freezing out here. “You were just sick. You gotta take it easy, Violet, or your cold will come back.” I had no idea how long she had been sitting out here waiting for me.
She sighed in the most contented way. “There’s a little boutique next to the pet store where I bought my last coat. Maybe we can stop in there after we pick up the replacement lizard? If you don’t mind…my truck isn’t working again or I wouldn’t have asked.”
“I don’t mind.” I glanced at her truck. I could fix appliances around the house, but I honestly didn’t know a thing about cars. I’d call Damien later to come check it out. He’d be able to get it started.
She started walking toward my car. “We have to hurry. The stores get crowded around lunchtime.”
“And?” I unlocked my car for her.
“And I don’t play nice with others.” She opened up the passenger side door and climbed in without another word.
She didn’t play nice with most people. But I was pretty sure I was wearing her down. Her eyes were glued to her window when I got in the car.
“What happened to your last coat?” I asked as I started the car and drove down her driveway.
She didn’t turn her attention back to me. She just stared out the window at the passing trees. “I lost it a few days ago.”
“You lost it? Where?”
“I don’t think you’d believe me if I told you.”
“Of course I’d believe you.”
She finally turned to me. Both her eyebrows were raised, like she thought what I said was the most ridiculous thing she’d ever heard. I knew why she was skeptical. This was my chance to clear the air with her. Before I could open my mouth though, she started talking.
“I don’t think you’ve believed anything I’ve said since we’ve met. But I get it. No one trusts me.” She looked back out her window. “And you certainl
y wouldn’t believe how I lost my jacket.”
“I’m sorry, Violet. You have every reason to be upset with me. I tried to tell myself I was so focused on you because I thought you were linked to the case. But I think we both know that wasn’t why I kept coming around. If anything, I was just trying to make sure you were in the clear. I never wanted you to be guilty. I just had to make sure. It’s my job.”
“You pretended to like me so you could look around my house. And I was too sick to even realize what was going on. You took advantage of me.”
“I messed up. But I never pretended to like you.”
“Right.” She was tapping her index finger against her thigh. “Look, I’ve had a really crappy morning, Detective Reed. Do you mind if we just drive in silence?”
This apology was not going the way I intended. “I meant that…”
“Please just stop. I didn’t call you because I wanted to be friends or make awkward pointless small talk. I called you because I had no other options. Zeke needs a replacement lizard and you have a car. End of story. Turn right here.”
I had felt good ever since I had gotten her voicemail. She had said she needed me. But I guess she just needed a lift. All I was to her was a chauffeur? I glanced at her before pulling out onto the main road. She was tapping her thigh faster now, like she was upset. This was a communication issue. A trust issue. And I knew exactly how to fix it. I hit my turn signal, but instead of turning right, I turned left.
Chapter 17
Violet
Detective Reed turned left like the incompetent jerk that he was. I was still fuming from his lame attempt at an apology. I was embarrassed enough about the fact that I thought he liked me. He didn’t have to rub in the fact that he didn’t. His mother clearly hadn’t taught him any manners.
“Where are you going? I said right.”
He ignored me.
“The pet store is at the mall.” I glanced at his dashboard to see the time. “Seriously, it’s past eleven. It’s going to be so crowded if we don’t get there soon.”
He didn’t answer my very reasonable rebuttal to whatever the hell he was doing. I could feel the same hysteria rising like it had earlier this morning. “Please, please, please.”
He didn’t respond.
“Please, please, please.” Houses started to blur together. “Please, please, please.” I couldn’t stop saying the words. Over and over and over again. “Please, please, please.”
“Violet?” He sounded far away.
“Please, please, please.”
He was pulling me out of the car. I felt the sunshine on my skin and the air I desperately needed filled my lungs.
“Violet, take a deep breath for me.”
I inhaled so fast it felt like I was choking.
“I’m sorry. I wasn’t trying to upset you. Are you okay?” His voice still sounded far away.
The word “please” was echoing around in my head but I swallowed it before it came out again.
“Violet, are you okay?” He ran his thumbs underneath my eyes, wiping away my tears.
Suddenly I could feel him everywhere, like I had just awoken from a dream. His hands were on my face. His breath was intertwining with my own in clouds from the cold. My back was pressed against the side of the car, sandwiching my body between him and the cool metal.
I finally found my voice. “I’m not having a good morning.”
“Okay.” His hands didn’t move from my face. “I’m sorry. I should have just taken you to the mall like you asked, but I wanted to have a nice afternoon with you. I thought that maybe if we were even…” his voice trailed off. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to upset you.”
My mind had slowed down, but my heartbeat was still racing. I wished that everything we had shared up until this point hadn’t been pretend, because there was no denying the fact that I liked the way his hands felt on me. I liked being sandwiched here. And he wasn’t looking at me like I was crazy even though I had just had a nervous breakdown in his car. He was looking at me like I mattered. Like I mattered to him. I wanted to tell him everything. I wanted him to understand.
“It wasn’t your fault,” I said. “I got…stuck this morning. And sometimes when I start the day stuck it’s hard for me to step out of it.”
He didn’t understand. I could see it in his eyes. How could I make him understand?
“I was upset all weekend about having to lie to Zeke. And sometimes it feels like I have too much on my shoulders and that makes my…compulsions worse. Doing things repeatedly calms me down. Specifically in sets of three. But when I’m really upset, I do it over and over again. Always in multiples of three but sometimes it’s hard to stop.” I was blabbering on and on. It felt like I was having another episode, but that wasn’t it. He was just making me nervous holding my face like this. I was about to start talking about how I had basically murdered a throw pillow this morning when he fortunately broke the silence.
“Are you okay now?”
“I think so.” It’s easier when you’re here to calm me down. “I’m sorry…”
“You don’t have anything to apologize for. It was my fault, I should have just done what you wanted me to.”
“A change in plans wouldn’t have mattered to a normal person.”
“Normalcy is a little overrated, don’t you think?”
I couldn’t count how many times I wished I could go back to the way I was when I was young. Before I started having this problem. All I wanted was to blend into a crowd again. But when he was holding me like this, that desire mattered a little less. If he didn’t mind that I wasn’t normal, did it really matter so much? Maybe all I really craved was being loved again. I liked that he showed up today. It had been a long time since someone had shown up when I needed them.
It was okay if he didn’t like me. Honestly, it was easier if he didn’t. But it would be nice to have a friend for once, someone to talk to.
His hands fell from my face as he took a step back from me. It was as if he suddenly realized that the way he was holding me was awkward. That I’d read into it as something more. I felt my cheeks flushing.
“I’ll drive you to the pet store now, alright?”
“Yeah.” I took a second to soak in my surroundings before I turned back to the car. We were out front of a row of cookie-cutter townhomes on the outskirts of town. I had driven past this street on my way to far away stores countless times. It was the last stretch of homes before you entered a new zip code. “Why did you bring me here?”
He opened his mouth then closed it again, before reaching into his pocket and pulling out a set of keys. “Here.” He handed me the keys.
“You’re letting me drive?” I laughed. “I trust you not to go on a detour again.”
“They’re keys to my house.” He nodded to the townhome we were parked in front of. “Go look around at whatever you want. I’ll be waiting right here to take you to the pet store when you’re done.”
“What?”
“I want to have a nice afternoon with you. So we need to be even. You were right, I looked around your house. I can’t exactly undo what I’ve done, but I can give you the same opportunity. You get to look around mine without me there. It’s only fair.”
I looked down at the keys. “This is a weird way to apologize.”
“You wouldn’t accept my normal one.”
I smiled at him. “Well, normalcy is overrated, right?”
He smiled back. “Exactly.” He shoved his hands into his pockets and leaned against the car to wait for me.
I appreciated the gesture, I did. But I didn’t need it. I could tell that he was sorry. And really, there was only one thing I needed to know in order to forgive him. “Did you find anything incriminating in my house?” I tried to say it lightheartedly, but it came out sounding a lot more like I had something to hide. Which made sense. I had a lot of things to hide.
He hesitated, but only for a moment. “When I carried you to bed, I stepped on a loose floo
rboard. I went to see if I could set it back in place, but it kind of came up in my hands.”
“Okay.” My heart started racing in my chest. Please don’t have picked up that floorboard.
“I should have put it back down, but when I saw the shoebox hidden underneath it, I was just too curious for my own good. I saw some letter from your ex, I guess? Joel?”
“Yeah.” He read my letters? It felt like my throat was constricting. “Joel and I dated in high school.”
He nodded, like he already knew that. “I only read two I think. There wasn’t anything personal in them. One mentioned meeting at the lake. That was it. I realized I shouldn’t be looking at them so I stopped right away.”
“Okay.” I could barely hear anything but my own heartbeat. There was nothing incriminating about the letters. They just made me look pathetic for keeping them so long. But there had been a gun hidden right beneath that box. “And that was all you found?” Again, I sounded guilty. I searched his face for what he had seen, but I couldn’t read him at all.
He shook his head. “I also found a handgun.”
For a few seconds we were both quiet. I was waiting for him to say he checked and I didn’t have a permit for it. He should be arresting me. But…he wasn’t.
“It was my stepfather’s,” I said. “It would be registered under his name, not mine. I didn’t know what to do with it after he died, so I just kept it. I don’t have any bullets. I’ve never even fired a gun before. I don’t know how to use it. But I disposed of it now, so there’s nothing to worry about.”
“I wasn’t going to turn you in, Violet.”
“Oh.” I stared at him. Why? “It was illegal for me to have it, wasn’t it?”
“Having an unregistered gun is illegal, yes. But if it was registered under his name then…”
