by A. M. Myers
“Girl,” Hannah says, shaking her head. “That’s even better. Stop and grab yourself a bottle of wine and get a little “you” time.”
Nodding, I turn back to my mirror and pull off my fake eyelashes with a sigh. “I might just have to do that.”
It really doesn’t sound all that appealing but then again, nothing does. There is nowhere in this town I want to be and very few places that I feel comfortable anymore. I guess it sounds better than sitting at home and thinking about all of the shit I’ve been trying to avoid all night long. And it sure as hell sounds better than being here.
As the girls start getting ready to go home, moving in a flurry of activity around me, I stare at myself in the mirror. I don’t recognize the girl staring back at me or the growing darkness creeping into my eyes more and more everyday and I sigh, dropping my head as I fight back tears again.
“Ten minutes, girls!” Mr. Alexander calls and I suck in a breath, wiping away a stray tear as I stand up and walk back to my locker, grabbing my bag out of the bottom. I change clothes as quickly as possible before pulling my boots on and shoving all of my things back into my bag.
“How did you do tonight?” Jen asks with disgust in her voice and I pull the bills out of my bag before quickly counting it and sighing.
“Ninety bucks.”
She sighs. “Well, you did better than me. I’m going to have to pull an extra shift this week just to make up for this shit show of a night.”
“Yeah,” I answer, already exhausted as I think about spending an extra night here to make up for the money I didn’t make today. As it is, I already work five nights a week and I desperately need the other two away from this place to keep me sane.
“I think the girls in the bar did better than we did tonight.”
I scoff. “I’m not surprised. Everyone was more interested in drowning their sorrows than watching us dance.”
“Tomorrow will be better,” she mutters to herself and I can’t help but smile. I’ve known Jen for a few years now and that is always something she says whenever she has a bad night, her way of letting it all go so she doesn’t take the stress of the day home with her. At first, I thought it was silly but over time, I found myself doing the same and it usually works pretty well.
“All right,” I sigh, standing up and grabbing my bag off of the bench. “I’m going to head home. See you tomorrow.”
She nods with a smile. “Have a good night, Rowan.”
“Two minutes, girls,” Mr. Alexander calls as the rest of the girls pack up and I weave my way through the dressing room toward the back door before stepping outside. Cold air smacks me in the face and I shiver, pulling my coat tighter around my body as I walk across the snow-covered lot to my car. Snowflakes whirl around me and I can’t help but smile. I’ve always loved the snow and when I was little, I would wait all year for the first big storm so my dad and I could build a snowman or have a snowball fight. Now, every time it snows, I get this bittersweet feeling in my chest because as much as I love all of the memories I have with my dad, it still hurts like hell. My mind drifts to my most recent loss and tears sting my eyes as I try to breathe through the pain.
Glancing up, I spot my car in the back of the lot and hit the button on my key fob to unlock the car as I quicken my pace, fighting back more memories. Fuck. This past month has been absolute hell and I really don’t know how much more I can take. When I reach the car, I open the door and slip behind the wheel before starting it and crossing my arms over my chest to ward off the cold. Another wave of pain washes through me as I glance over at the passenger seat and a few tears slip down my cheeks. Wiping them away, I grit my teeth and turn away as I tell myself to buck up but it’s too damn late. More memories rush through my mind, reminding me of everything I’ve lost and I turn to the passenger seat again, my gaze falling on the urn with my mother’s ashes and the envelope of death certificates I picked up two days ago as a sob rips through me.
I’ve lost everything.
The pain only intensifies as I remember the day I got the call. It all started off so normal that it’s still hard to believe that it’s real three weeks later but the ashes next to me are proof that this hell is my new reality. Shaking my head, I remember waking up that morning around eleven after working late the night before and walking into the kitchen to get a cup of coffee. My boyfriend, Ash, was already gone for work and as soon as I crawled back into bed with my steaming mug of caffeine, the phone rang. My mom’s picture popped up on the screen but when I answered it, I didn’t recognize the voice on the other end of the line. He told me my mother was in the hospital and I needed to get there as soon as possible but he wouldn’t say anything else. The entire time I was getting ready and racing across town, I just kept telling myself that she was okay but as soon as I walked through the ER doors and saw the look on everyone’s face, I knew the truth.
I struggle to take a breath as the tears overwhelm me and I press a hand to my chest like I can somehow stop the onslaught of pain but it’s useless. My mind flicks back to the moment I walked into the room and saw my mom lying on the table with a sheet pulled up to her chest. There was a tube in her mouth that wasn’t connected to anything and her eyes were closed. She looked so peaceful, like she was sleeping, and my mind struggled to connect the dots until the doctor came in and told me he was sorry for my loss. Everything else happened in a blur. I remember hitting my knees and the loud, aching sob that ripped through me as nurses surrounded me to try and bring me some comfort. Somehow, I got back home and I remember calling my brother to tell him but the words got stuck in my throat and I didn’t know how to say that our mom was dead and we were all alone.
My gaze flicks to the mountain range where my dad’s plane went down when I was a kid and I shake my head, another desperate sob swamping me. I’m an orphan and if it wasn’t for my brother, Lincoln, I would have absolutely no one. Despite living in Ketchikan my entire life, I don’t really have any friends here because they all either moved away or proved to not be good for me and if it wasn’t for Ash holding me together these last few weeks, I don’t know what I would have done. I met Ash three years ago and in a way, I think he saved me. At that point, I had been stripping for a year and I didn’t recognize the girl in the mirror anymore. There was something about him that reminded me of who I truly was and grounded me again but he also never tried to force or manipulate me to quit dancing. He was everything I needed and it was so damn easy to fall in love with him. When we moved in together last year, I was certain that he was my forever but things have been off between us lately and I know that’s my fault. With everything I’ve been going through, I haven’t exactly been myself and I’ve leaned on him more than ever before but it seems like the more I lean, the more he pulls away. I just hope it’s not too late to fix things.
Shaking my head, I suck in a breath and wipe more tears from my face as I watch the snow fall onto the windshield, each one a little different than the one before. I need to make a change, pull myself out of this funk, but I just don’t know how. More than anything, I wish Lincoln was here but he lives over thirty-five hundred miles away with his wife in Louisiana and it’s been almost a year since the last time I saw him. Leaning my head back against the seat, I remember the phone call from him a few days ago, urging me again to move down to Baton Rouge. It’s the same thing he’s been saying since Mom died three weeks ago but I’ve been putting him off. I have to wonder, though… what the hell is even keeping me here in Alaska anymore?
Obviously, I have Ash but I can’t see anything keeping him here either. Maybe we could make the move together… Ketchikan is my home, though. I’ve never been anywhere else and the thought of moving across the country scares the hell out of me. Shaking my head, I push the thoughts from my mind and wipe the tears from my face before clearing the snow from my windshield and pulling out of my parking space. As I pull out of the lot, I turn toward home and sigh. More than anything, what I need right now is to get to my apartment, craw
l into my big comfy bed, and forget about this awful fucking day.
“Tomorrow will be better,” I whisper, nodding to myself as my lip wobbles but I manage to get control of it before it dissolves into full blown tears again. Ash and I don’t live too far from the club and I’m almost to my apartment when I see a gas station that’s still open. Hannah’s advice from earlier pops into my mind and I smile before pulling into the lot. Jumping out of my car, I run into the store, grab a bottle of wine, and pay the clerk before walking back out. As I set the bottle in the passenger seat, I glance over at the urn again and suck in a breath as I back out of my parking spot and turn out onto the road. This and the stash of chocolate I have hidden in the kitchen is exactly what I need to unwind and after the fog I’ve been walking around in for the last few weeks, it feels good to just do something for myself. As I pull into my usual parking spot outside of the general store, I glance up at my studio apartment on the second floor and frown.
Did I leave that light on?
God, I have been so scatter-brained lately that I probably did. Shaking my head, I grab my bottle of wine and eye the urn, contemplating grabbing it, too, before I change my mind. I know it’s stupid but a part of me feels like as soon as I take my mother’s ashes into my home, it all becomes real and I am not ready for that yet. At least, while she stays in the front seat of my car, there are moments when I can avoid thinking about the fact that she is gone. Sighing, I turn off the car and jump out. The sound of waves crashing against the shore greets me and I close my eyes as a feeling of calm washes through me.
When Ash and I were apartment hunting a little over a year ago, one of my favorite things about this place, besides the fact that we didn’t really have any neighbors was that it is right on the water. From anywhere in the apartment, I can hear the ocean and if I want to look out across the water, all I have to do is walk into my kitchen and stand in front of the window. Even in the chaos of the past three weeks, being able to hear the waves crash against the rocks and see the water has calmed me and made me feel like maybe I’m not drowning in my pain. Opening my eyes, I glance up at the window as I turn for the stairs but stop short. Two shadows dance across the glass, coming together and wrapping their arms around each other as my heart starts to thunder in my chest.
What the fuck?
Ash is supposed to be in Juneau until tomorrow afternoon but no one else has access to our apartment. God, he wouldn’t do this to me, would he? With each breath ringing in my ears, I run up the stairs and unlock the door as quietly as possible before stepping inside and setting the bottle of wine down on the counter. A moan fills the room, echoing from behind the partition that separates our bedroom from the rest of the room and my hands start to shake as my gaze falls to the various articles of clothing littered across the floor - Ash’s shirt, his sneakers, and jeans, a pair of pink lace panties, skinny jeans, and heels. My stomach rolls as the reality crashes down on me and another moan fills the room, this one deeper than before. I creep forward, careful not to make any noise but I swear my heartbeat is echoing through the room and there is no way in hell they don’t hear it. Low grunts and soft gasps reach my ears as I walk toward the noise and my hands start to shake. I already know, deep down in my gut, what I’m going to find on the other side of that partition but I need to see it before it will become real. I can’t have any doubt in my mind as to what is happening on the other side.
“Holly,” Ash whispers, something between a plea and moan, and I suck in a breath as my thoughts screech to a halt. Holly? There is a girl I work with at the club named Holly but he wouldn’t… I shake my head. Of course he would. If he is willing to cheat, why would the fact that I work with her stop him from pursuing someone? I think about the two of them, sneaking around behind my back while I’ve been dealing with all this stuff with my mom and it’s like a blow torch has been lit inside me. Rage simmers through me as I rush forward and round the partition, holding my breath as I take in the scene in front of me. Ash is on top of her, in the middle of my bed, with the sheets pulled up around them and her pink nails are digging into his back as she moans again. Her eyes are squeezed closed, her head thrown back in ecstasy, and I glance at the shelf next to me where the little ceramic pig Ash and I found at a flea market sits. I pick it up, staring at it before turning to the scene in front of me.
They still don’t realize I’m here, too lost in each other to notice the person they’ve both betrayed. Their arrogance and carelessness only fuels my rage. From my spot at the end of the bed, I pull my arm back and chuck the pig at the wall above the bed. It shatters and sends little shards of clay raining down on them as Holly screams and Ash jumps off of her. She shrieks again and grabs the sheet, pulling it up to her chest as Ash stares at me with wide eyes.
“Row… I thought you were working late tonight.”
I nod, grabbing another little knickknack off of the shelf and tossing it back and forth between my hands. “Clearly.”
Holly sits up and scoots back along the bed before leaning back against the headboard - my headboard - and smirking up at me. What the hell? I wouldn’t have called Holly and me friends but we were, at least, friendly at work but as I look at her now, all I can see is hatred shining in her eyes. Where in the hell does she get off hating me? Especially after I just caught her in bed with my man.
“Look, this isn’t what it looks like,” Ash says and I laugh because the whole thing is so fucking ridiculous. It is exactly what it looks like and there is no way in hell I’m buying anymore of his shit.
“Don’t lie to her, baby,” Holly whispers, running her hand down his back and I see red as I chuck the figurine in my hand against the wall again. Holly screams and Ash moves in front of her as he holds his hands up.
“Calm down, Rowan. You’re acting crazy.”
“Oh, baby,” I whisper with a smile, grabbing the heart sculpture he gave me on our first anniversary. “You haven’t even seen crazy yet.”
My mind races through everything I’ve been through in the past three weeks, everything I’ve lost and all of the pain I’ve kept bottled up for most of my life and all of the dreams I had for a future with him as the hurt in my chest only intensifies.
When I was meeting with the funeral home, was Ash screwing Holly in my bed? The thought sends my body into motion and I chuck the figurine in my hand against the wall again before picking up another one.
While I was in the hospital, learning that my mother died instantly from a blood clot, was he fucking Holly in his car? I throw the little glass figurine in my hand against the wall and it shatters, drawing another scream from the whore’s mouth as Ash jumps out of bed and starts walking toward me with his hands up. He’s still completely naked and I can smell the sex in the air. Plus, he’s got about five damn hickeys on his neck. My stomach rolls and as I look over at him, I wonder how in the hell I was ever attracted to him.
“Hey, let’s just talk about this, babe.”
Arching a brow, I grab a candle off of the shelf, staring at it as I imagine chucking it at the wall, too, before shaking my head and setting the candle back down. “You know what? Let’s not. It’s not fucking worth it. I’m leaving now and when I come back in the morning you and your slut need to be gone or I’ll call the police.”
Turning away from him, I walk back over to the door with my head held high and grab my bottle of wine as he calls my name, begging me to come back and talk to him but I ignore his pleas and step outside, slamming the door behind me and it feels symbolic for the end of our relationship. As I descend the stairs, I expect to feel the sadness of my lost relationship or the sting of Ash’s betrayal but I don’t feel anything. Maybe, in the scope of all of the shit that has happened in my life lately, walking in to find Ash screwing my co-worker just doesn’t rank. Or hell, maybe I’m just numb to it all now and someday soon, it will all come crashing down on me and destroy me. Either way, the only thing I want to do right now is get away from here and drink.
Jumping bac
k in my car, I toss the bottle into the passenger seat and whip out of my parking space before turning toward the main part of town where I can find a hotel room for the night. As I drive along the coast, my gaze flicks to the mountain range where my dad’s plane went down again before falling to my mom’s ashes in the seat next to me. I’m sure Ash doesn’t know it, yet, but he has just ended things with me and with our relationship officially over, there is nothing else keeping me here in Alaska. Everything in this place just reminds me of all that I have lost and I can’t stand to be here anymore. As I pull into a parking lot of one of the hotels downtown, I put the car in park and dial Lincoln’s number.
“Row?” He answers after a few rings, his voice groggy and I wince. Shit. I always forget about the time difference. “Are you okay? It’s one in the morning.”
I nod, releasing a breath as my big brother’s voice calms me. “Yeah, I’m… okay. I’ve just been thinking about the last time we spoke…”
“Yeah? And?”
“Does your offer still stand? To move there, I mean.” My belly flips with nerves or excitement or maybe both as I wait for his answer. He sucks in a breath.
“Of course, Row… but, are you sure you’re okay? You sound off.”
I let out a humorless laugh as I think about the last month of my life and shake my head. “It’s been… interesting…”
“Yeah, okay. I get it,” he says when I don’t say anything else and I sigh, leaning my head back against the seat. “How soon do you think you’ll be here?”
“I don’t know. I have some things I need to wrap up here.” My mind drifts over the things I need to do, like quitting my job and packing up the apartment before I realize that everything I actually care about will probably fit in the back seat of my car and take me all of an hour to pack up. “Actually, never mind. I can probably be on the road in two days.”
