by Daniel Defoe
would be always a foundation of unkindnessbetween us, and render us suspected one to another; so that, upon thewhole, I was obliged to give a new turn to it, and talk upon a kind ofan elevated strain, which really was not in my thoughts, at first, atall; for I own, as above, the divesting myself of my estate and puttingmy money out of my hand was the sum of the matter that made me refuse tomarry; but, I say, I gave it a new turn upon this occasion, asfollows:--
I told him I had, perhaps, different notions of matrimony from what thereceived custom had given us of it; that I thought a woman was a freeagent as well as a man, and was born free, and, could she manage herselfsuitably, might enjoy that liberty to as much purpose as the men do;that the laws of matrimony were indeed otherwise, and mankind at thistime acted quite upon other principles, and those such that a woman gaveherself entirely away from herself, in marriage, and capitulated, onlyto be, at best, but an upper servant, and from the time she took the manshe was no better or worse than the servant among the Israelites, whohad his ears bored--that is, nailed to the door-post--who by that actgave himself up to be a servant during life; that the very nature of themarriage contract was, in short, nothing but giving up liberty, estate,authority, and everything to the man, and the woman was indeed a merewoman ever after--that is to say, a slave.
He replied, that though in some respects it was as I had said, yet Iought to consider that, as an equivalent to this, the man had all thecare of things devolved upon him; that the weight of business lay uponhis shoulders, and as he had the trust, so he had the toil of life uponhim; his was the labour, his the anxiety of living; that the woman hadnothing to do but to eat the fat and drink the sweet; to sit still andlook around her, be waited on and made much of, be served and loved andmade easy, especially if the husband acted as became him; and that, ingeneral, the labour of the man was appointed to make the woman livequiet and unconcerned in the world; that they had the name of subjectionwithout the thing; and if in inferior families they had the drudgery ofthe house and care of the provisions upon them, yet they had indeed muchthe easier part; for, in general, the women had only the care ofmanaging--that is, spending what their husbands get; and that a womanhad the name of subjection, indeed, but that they generally commanded,not the men only, but all they had; managed all for themselves; andwhere the man did his duty, the woman's life was all ease andtranquillity, and that she had nothing to do but to be easy, and to makeall that were about her both easy and merry.
I returned, that while a woman was single, she was a masculine in herpolitic capacity; that she had then the full command of what she had,and the full direction of what she did; that she was a man in herseparate capacity, to all intents and purposes that a man could be so tohimself; that she was controlled by none, because accountable to none,and was in subjection to none. So I sung these two lines of Mr. ----'s:--
"Oh! 'tis pleasant to be free, The sweetest Miss is Liberty."
I added, that whoever the woman was that had an estate, and would giveit up to be the slave of a great man, that woman was a fool, and must befit for nothing but a beggar; that it was my opinion a woman was as fitto govern and enjoy her own estate without a man as a man was without awoman; and that, if she had a mind to gratify herself as to sexes, shemight entertain a man as a man does a mistress; that while she was thussingle she was her own, and if she gave away that power she merited tobe as miserable as it was possible that any creature could be.
All he could say could not answer the force of this as to argument;only this, that the other way was the ordinary method that the world wasguided by; that he had reason to expect I should be content with thatwhich all the world was contented with; that he was of the opinion thata sincere affection between a man and his wife answered all theobjections that I had made about the being a slave, a servant, and thelike; and where there was a mutual love there could be no bondage, butthat there was but one interest, one aim, one design, and all conspiredto make both very happy.
"Ay," said I, "that is the thing I complain of. The pretence ofaffection takes from a woman everything that can be called herself; sheis to have no interest, no aim, no view; but all is the interest, aim,and view of the husband; she is to be the passive creature you spokeof," said I. "She is to lead a life of perfect indolence, and living byfaith, not in God, but in her husband, she sinks or swims, as he iseither fool or wise man, unhappy or prosperous; and in the middle ofwhat she thinks is her happiness and prosperity, she is engulfed inmisery and beggary, which she had not the least notice, knowledge, orsuspicion of. How often have I seen a woman living in all the splendourthat a plentiful fortune ought to allow her, with her coaches andequipages, her family and rich furniture, her attendants and friends,her visitors and good company, all about her to-day; to-morrowsurprised with a disaster, turned out of all by a commission ofbankrupt, stripped to the clothes on her back; her jointure, suppose shehad it, is sacrificed to the creditors so long as her husband lived, andshe turned into the street, and left to live on the charity of herfriends, if she has any, or follow the monarch, her husband, into theMint, and live there on the wreck of his fortunes, till he is forced torun away from her even there; and then she sees her children starve,herself miserable, breaks her heart, and cries herself to death! This,"says I, "is the state of many a lady that has had L10,000 to herportion."
He did not know how feelingly I spoke this, and what extremities I hadgone through of this kind; how near I was to the very last articleabove, viz., crying myself to death; and how I really starved for almosttwo years together.
But he shook his head, and said, where had I lived? and what dreadfulfamilies had I lived among, that had frighted me into such terribleapprehensions of things? that these things indeed might happen where menrun into hazardous things in trade, and, without prudence or dueconsideration, launched their fortunes in a degree beyond theirstrength, grasping at adventures beyond their stocks, and the like; butthat, as he was stated in the world, if I would embark with him, he hada fortune equal with mine; that together we should have no occasion ofengaging in business any more, but that in any part of the world where Ihad a mind to live, whether England, France, Holland, or where I would,we might settle, and live as happily as the world could make any onelive; that if I desired the management of our estate, when put together,if I would not trust him with mine, he would trust me with his; that wewould be upon one bottom, and I should steer. "Ay," says I, "you'llallow me to steer--that is, hold the helm--but you'll con the ship, asthey call it; that is, as at sea, a boy serves to stand at the helm, buthe that gives him the orders is pilot."
He laughed at my simile. "No," says he; "you shall be pilot then; youshall con the ship." "Ay," says I, "as long as you please; but you cantake the helm out of my hand when you please, and bid me go spin. It isnot you," says I, "that I suspect, but the laws of matrimony puts thepower into your hands, bids you do it, commands you to command, andbinds me, forsooth, to obey. You, that are now upon even terms with me,and I with you," says I, "are the next hour set up upon the throne, andthe humble wife placed at your footstool; all the rest, all that youcall oneness of interest, mutual affection, and the like, is courtesyand kindness then, and a woman is indeed infinitely obliged where shemeets with it, but can't help herself where it fails."
Well, he did not give it over yet, but came to the serious part, andthere he thought he should be too many for me. He first hinted thatmarriage was decreed by Heaven; that it was the fixed state of life,which God had appointed for man's felicity, and for establishing a legalposterity; that there could be no legal claim of estates by inheritancebut by children born in wedlock; that all the rest was sunk underscandal and illegitimacy; and very well he talked upon that subjectindeed.
But it would not do; I took him short there. "Look you, sir," said I,"you have an advantage of me there indeed, in my particular case, but itwould not be generous to make use of it. I readily grant that it werebetter for me to have married you than to admit you to the liberty Ihave given you, but as I could not reco
ncile my judgment to marriage,for the reasons above, and had kindness enough for you, and obligationtoo much on me to resist you, I suffered your rudeness and gave up myvirtue. But I have two things before me to heal up that breach of honourwithout that desperate one of marriage, and those are, repentance forwhat is past, and putting an end to it for time to come."
He seemed to be concerned to think that I should take him in thatmanner. He assured me that I misunderstood him; that he had more mannersas well as more kindness for me, and more justice than to reproach mewith what he had been the aggressor in, and had surprised me into; thatwhat he spoke referred to my words above, that the woman, if she thoughtfit, might entertain a man, as a man did a mistress; and that I seemedto mention that way of living as justifiable, and setting it as a lawfulthing, and in
