“I would,” said Vela, “but I get the sense that Olivia doesn’t like me much.”
“Maybe because of how you royally screwed up the announcements and made a fool of yourself in front of the entire school?” said Devis.
Vela sighed.
“Bah! It is because you are an Overachiever, Valerie. You dabble in athletics and theater,” said Thromdurr. “You are not a true Nerd—focused solely on pursuits of the mind—like Olivia. And me.”
“You guys really love tossing that word around,” said June.
“Perhaps a member of her own tribe can persuade her,” said Thromdurr. “Wish me luck, friends!”
And with that, Thromdurr stood and went to join Olivia at her table.
“Greetings, Olivia Gorman,” said the barbarian.
“Hi, Doug,” said Olivia.
“Though I am widely regarded to be the wisest student in all of eighth grade, I now require math tutelage,” said Thromdurr, pounding his chest. “I prevail upon the sacred bond we share as Nerds and humbly ask you to teach me, as well as Valerie, Stinky, Melissa, and Armando, the mysterious ways of the algebra.”
Olivia frowned and stared at Thromdurr for several seconds. “No,” she said at last.
“No?” said Thromdurr. “But you and I are of one people!”
“Doug, if you’re failing math, that means I get the math award at the end of the year,” said Olivia. “I would say ‘Do the math,’ but apparently you can’t.”
Thromdurr sighed and shook his head. “Though it pains me to concede any contest, you may have this year’s math award. I offer it to you freely and will not battle you for it.”
“Okay,” said Olivia.
“So will you help us now?” said Thromdurr.
“What’s in it for me?” said Olivia.
“The math award!” said Thromdurr, who felt his berserker blood rising.
“Again, we’ve established that you’re already failing math,” said Olivia. “I’m getting that award anyway. Try harder, Doug.”
“Well, what is it that you want?” said Thromdurr. “Perhaps a Spinco Roastmeister home rotisserie?”
“What? No,” said Olivia. “I want to be class president.”
“If I am not mistaken,” said Thromdurr, “Valerie has held that particular office for years.”
“Yeah, because it’s just a stupid popularity contest,” said Olivia. “And I want to win it this time. The election is Monday. If Valerie drops out and you guys make me president, I’ll give you people all the free algebra tutoring you can handle.”
Thromdurr returned to the table with Olivia’s terms.
“Hang on, there’s another election?” said Devis. “I thought Valerie was already the president?”
“Valerie is student body president, an office elected by all three JADMS grades,” said Albiorix. “But class president is the eighth grade only. Even though Valerie usually wins that too.”
“Why is everything around here so complicated?” said Devis, shaking his head. “If you guys only knew how many types of soup I’m expected to keep track of at home . . .”
“So what do you say, Valerie?” said Albiorix.
“Hmm,” Vela. “Is there no one else who might teach us?”
“After Olivia, you’re the third best student in Algebra I, so that’s no good,” said Albiorix, scanning the cafeteria. “The only other kid who’s smart enough is George Stedman, but he’ll never agree to help us. He despises Stinky ever since that famous crickets-in-the-gym-bag prank last year.”
“I’d forgotten about that,” said Devis. “If I’d known we were going to be in this predicament, I would have used, maybe, half as many crickets.”
“Then I suppose we have no choice,” said Vela. “I will drop out of the race.”
“And Olivia Gorman will be victorious,” said Thromdurr. “Finally the number-letters of Algebra I will bow before us!”
“Yeah, about that,” said Albiorix. “Olivia still probably isn’t going to win.”
“Why not?” said Vela.
“Last year, you only won by four votes,” said Albiorix, “If you’re dropping out, then Brent Sydlowski is the favorite.”
Albiorix pointed across the cafeteria to an athletic, friendly-looking boy, sitting at a table of fellow Jocks.
June suddenly looked up from the game of Oink Pop she had been playing. “Hang on, Armando. How could you possibly know election results from last year? You were in Edmonton, Alberta, Canada.”
“I . . . really studied up on this place before I got here,” said Albiorix.
June cocked her head. “Valerie, you seem honest. Is he telling the truth?”
Vela sat tight-lipped for several seconds of uncomfortable silence. “Technically, yes,” she said.
“Hey, look at this!” said Albiorix. He pulled a coin out of his ear. “Pretty neat, huh? And here’s another one!” He pulled a second coin from his other ear.
June frowned. “Wow, I’ve never seen that one before,” she said. “I can’t help but feel like you’re trying to distract me from—”
“Well, anyway, we should probably tell Olivia that we accept her terms,” said Albiorix. “If we are somehow going to win this race for her, we need to start campaigning right now! Later, June.”
Thromdurr delivered the group’s answer to Olivia, who set a time that afternoon to tutor them all in algebra. And so the brave adventurers began such an endeavor as was heretofore unknown to them: a middle-school political campaign. They split up for the remainder of the lunch period to try to convince their peers to vote for Olivia Gorman for class president. The bell rang, and the entire party regrouped on their way to their lockers. Somehow Sorrowshade already knew that Vela had dropped out of the presidential race (apparently gossip flowed with supernatural speed to the popular girls’ table).
“Albiorix was right about Olivia’s chances,” said Devis. “Everybody I talked to said they were leaning toward Brent. I don’t think I changed anybody’s mind, despite my charming personality.”
“It was the same for me,” said Vela. “People seem to like Brent Sydlowski because he is strong and guileless.”
“It is a highly appealing combination,” said Thromdurr.
“Then it seems we have to knock Brent out of the race too,” said Sorrowshade.
“Shall I crush him?” said Thromdurr.
“Nope,” said Albiorix. “Still no crushing.”
“Aw,” said Thromdurr.
“Perhaps if you simply explained to Brent that class president is a ceremonial title conferring no real power, he would lose interest in it,” said Vela.
“Yeah. He seems like a nice enough guy,” said Albiorix. “Maybe I could just ask him to drop out?”
At that very moment, Brent Sydlowski and his friends walked past the party in the hall, laughing among themselves. Albiorix took a deep breath and approached.
“Hi, Brent,” said Albiorix,
“Hey, New Kid!” said Brent.
“You wouldn’t consider quitting the presidential race, would you?” said Albiorix. “The whole thing is pretty meaningless, after all.”
Brent’s friends laughed.
“Nah, I can’t quit now,” said Brent. “Even if I don’t win, my message is too important.”
“And what message would that be?” asked Albiorix.
“Homework sucks,” said Brent.
“Interesting,” said Albiorix, and he couldn’t disagree.
“Vote Brent, New Kid!” said Brent.
He gave Albiorix a fist bump and continued on down the hall with his crew. The wizard rejoined his companions.
“He was not persuaded,” said Albiorix. “And after speaking with him, I can confirm that he is, in some strange way, very likable. A bit like a large, friendly dog.”
“Of course playing nice didn’t work,” said Sorrowshade. “It rarely does. If Brent Sydlowski will not voluntarily concede, then we must apply pressure—pinpoint his weakness and use it to i
nflict maximum damage.”
“I already told Thromdurr we can’t crush him,” said Albiorix.
“Not physically,” said Sorrowshade with a grin. “Socially.”
The other adventurers paused.
“How would we do that?” said Albiorix. “He’s one of the most popular kids in the entire school.”
“Exactly,” said Sorrowshade. “And we know every one of his secrets.”
The game of Homerooms & Hall Passes focuses on the actions of the player characters. But what truly brings the Realm of Suburbia to life are all the nonplayer characters (NPCs) they interact with. Many NPCs can be found in The Cyclopedia of Students, The Tome of Teachers, The Album of Academic Administration, and various other sourcebooks. But try to remember that these supporting characters are more than just a block of game stats. They have their own goals, fears, and challenges. You may also consider giving them funny voices. . . .
—Excerpt from The Hall Master’s Guide
“WHAT? WHAT IS THIS?” said Marie Stumpf-Turner. “Valerie is first-chair flute. Why is she sitting all the way in the back?”
“I can barely see her,” said Andy Stumpf-Turner, squinting. “I can’t even tell if she looks sick or not.”
“Shhh,” said another parent in the audience.
Onstage, the James Alexander Dewar Titan Band plodded its way through the first tune of its fall concert. After this week’s practices, Vela had been placed on “indefinite leave” from first-chair flute, and Sharad Marwah had been promoted. In addition, Ms. Peco, the band director, had privately told her, “During the concert, just act like you’re playing, honey. But don’t you dare make a noise with that thing.”
It was a conundrum for a noble paladin. On the one hand, Vela was honor bound to obey her band director. On the other, pretending to play the flute when she really wasn’t felt very close to a lie. As a way of threading the needle, Vela tried to play her flute as quietly as possible. But her musical skill was so poor that she still emitted an occasional shrill squeak. Each time earned her a glare from Ms. Peco, who conducted from the podium.
Out in the audience, Albiorix struggled to stay awake. The lights were down, the Titan Band’s performance wasn’t exactly electrifying, and he’d been sleeping on gym equipment. Still, the adventurers had done well today. They had held strong in their other classes, and Olivia Gorman’s first math lesson had proven invaluable.
Olivia was a tougher tutor than June—she had confiscated Devis’s phone almost immediately—the concepts of algebra were finally starting to sink in. With Olivia’s help, Albiorix had been able to simplify his first equation, and it felt almost as good as casting his very first spell (“summon pill bugs”). The other Bríandalörians were making progress too—only Thromdurr still seemed utterly confused, but perhaps with a few more tutoring sessions, the barbarian would be able to catch up.
Onstage, the musicians were bowing now. After what felt like an eternity, the concert had mercifully ended. As the crowd of parents and siblings milled out of the auditorium, the five adventurers converged in the parking lot. They hadn’t merely come to support Vela’s terrible fluting. They had a plan.
“Are we sure we still want to do this?” said Vela.
“It’s clearer than ever that we won’t pass math without Olivia’s help,” said Albiorix. “We have no choice.”
“Then I have until my mother finishes berating Ms. Peco for removing me from first-chair flute,” said Vela with a sigh. “Truly humiliating, by the way.”
“Hey, can’t be as bad as freezing up during those announcements, right?” said Devis, punching Vela in the arm.
She groaned. “I just wish we had another quest,” said Vela. “All the pressure and practices and prevarication of this realm are starting to wear on me.”
“I agree, paladin,” said Thromdurr. “But we must press forward. Our fortunes are looking up. I am on the very cusp of conquering algebra. Today I had an epiphany: perhaps we are always trying to figure out x because it marks the location of some long-buried treasure!”
“Hmm,” said Albiorix, not wanting to puncture his companion’s fragile confidence. “Anyway, it’s six twenty-eight now. In two minutes, Brent Sydlowski should be on his way from lacrosse practice to the school parking lot. As always, he will be surrounded by his friends. We need him alone.”
“That is where Devis and I come in,” said Thromdurr.
“Right,” said Albiorix. “Once Brent is by himself, the rest of us will discreetly approach him, and Sorrowshade will, ah, persuade him to drop out of the race.”
“Ooh, about that,” said Sorrowshade. “I can’t.”
“What?” said Albiorix. “But this whole thing was your idea!”
“Yes, but I just found out that Madison has a crush on Brent,” said Sorrowshade. “She is a fellow bestie of Nicole, so that means I can’t be anywhere near this thing; too much drama.”
“Seriously?” said Albiorix. “You know, maybe you should worry less about what Nicole—”
But somehow the assassin had already vanished.
“Hey, don’t you melt into the shadows while I’m talking to you!” said Albiorix, looking around in vain. “Fine. I guess it’s up to me. Let’s go.”
Not far away, Brent Sydlowski, Kevin Sanchez, C. J. Meier, and Max Cousins exited the field house after a hard lacrosse practice.
“Hey!” called Coach Diggs from inside. “Kevin! C.J.! Max! You three knuckleheads get back in here right now! You got some explaining to do!”
Kevin, C.J., and Max looked at each other. They shrugged and jogged back toward the field house, leaving Brent behind. Yet when the boys stepped inside, they didn’t see their coach anywhere.
“Hey, Coach?” called Kevin. “Coach? You in here?”
Nor did they notice Devis, who had expertly mimicked Diggs’s voice, slipping out the transom window above the back door. They did, however, hear the main door slam shut behind them.
“Huh?” said C.J.
He tried to open the door, but it didn’t move.
“Is it locked?” asked Max.
“I . . . don’t think so,” said C.J., now pushing with all his might.
Yet the door held fast. The three of them tried together to force it open. But it wasn’t enough to budge mighty Thromdurr, barbarian of Bríandalör, who held the door shut from the other side.
Meanwhile, Albiorix and Vela hid behind a boxwood bush near the JADMS flagpole. At last the wizard spied Brent Sydlowski making his way toward the school parking lot. He was whistling as he walked.
“You ready?” said Albiorix.
“I do not feel good about this, Albiorix,” said Valerie. “It is dishonorable.”
“The greater good here is that we don’t flunk math and die,” said Albiorix. “I can do the talking. I just need you there in case anything unexpected happens.”
“As you wish,” said Vela.
The wizard and the paladin approached Brent.
“Hello, Brent,” said Albiorix.
“Hey, New Kid. Hi, Valerie,” said Brent. “Why were you guys in that bush?”
“What? No real reason. Just . . . hanging out in there. Doesn’t matter,” said Albiorix. “Anyway, I’m, uh, afraid I have to ask you again to drop out of the presidential race.”
“No can do, New Kid,” said Brent. “My campaign has got Brentmentum! It’s crazy, but with Valerie out, I think I might actually win.”
“Yes, that’s the problem,” said Albiorix. “Brent, if you don’t drop out of the race, everyone will know that you still sleep with the same plush stuffed bee you’ve had since you were a baby.”
“Huh?” said Brent. “I don’t even—I’m not sure what you’re—I never . . .”
“Quit now,” said Albiorix, “or we will tell the whole school all about Mr. Buzzybottom.”
Brent’s smile fell away, and his face lost all color. His voice dropped to a whisper. “How do you know?”
“Uh . . . ,” said Albiorix.<
br />
“Who told you?” said Brent.
“Don’t, uh, worry about that,” sputtered Albiorix.
“Did you break into my house or something?” cried Brent, grabbing Albiorix by the shoulders.
The wizard blinked. Somehow in all their planning, the adventurers had failed to consider that Brent might ask this question. Albiorix’s mind was a blank. He had no answer other than to say that all of this was a game and on page 133 of The Cyclopedia of Students, there was an entry for SYDLOWSKI, Brent, that laid out his game statistics and the major details of his life, including the fact that he still slept with his beloved stuffed bee.
“Your sister told us,” said Vela.
“Why?” said Brent. “Why would Tina do that to me? Okay, fine, I don’t know what I did to make you guys mad, but I’ll—I’ll drop out of the race. Just please don’t tell anybody about Mr. Buzzybottom, okay?”
“We won’t, Brent,” said Albiorix.
Without another word, Brent Sydlowski stared at the ground and continued on his way. He was no longer whistling.
“Whew. Okay, I’ll admit that didn’t feel great. But we did it, so . . . yay,” said Albiorix. “And thanks for the help there. For some reason I couldn’t think of—”
“I lied,” said Vela.
“Oh. Huh,” said Albiorix. “That’s funny. Yeah. I guess you did.”
“I lied,” repeated Vela. Her eyes were wide, her face ashen. She looked even more shell-shocked than Brent had.
“It was just a little white lie,” said Albiorix. “If you’d told him the truth, it would have caused more problems for—”
“I have dishonored the vows I took as a paladin,” said Vela. “I am . . . an oath breaker.”
Vela fell to her knees.
“Um,” said Albiorix.
“What happened?” said Sorrowshade, who seemed to melt out of the shadows of a car parked nearby.
“We did it,” said Albiorix. “Brent is out.”
“I lied,” said Vela in a strangled whisper.
“Nice!” said Devis, who came running toward them with Thromdurr close behind. “Now that you’ve broken the seal, you can lie to whoever you want, whenever you want! For example: Thromdurr, you’re smart.”
“Many thanks!” said Thromdurr.
Homerooms and Hall Passes Page 12
