by Ryan Michele
To say I was puzzled was an understatement. “You’re okay with this?”
“Why wouldn’t I be?”
“Well, there’s one more thing I haven’t told you about this trip. My family…” God, this was so mortifying. My face grew hot. “You see, my mother actually has this terrible habit of setting me up with horrible dates, and when she said she wanted to pick my plus one for the cruise, I kind of panicked and told them I had a boyfriend. So on this trip I’d kind of, sorta need you to pretend that we’re a couple.” I grimaced, and he smirked at me. Why did he smile at this news?
“Everly, you say it like it’d be a job or a chore. We’ll be fine. Trust me.”
“Are you sure?”
“Just need the dates, babe.” He winked and got up from the chair, leaving without another word.
Guess we were going to St. Thomas, and I found myself a fake boyfriend.
Everly
That Embarrassing Moment When You Can’t Come Up With A Comeback That Doesn’t Suck …
“See. I told you it would all work out.” Samantha had come over to help me pack and to pick up Mooch. While happy to have her here, she was still going to hear it.
“I still can’t believe he said yes.” I shoved more underwear into my carry-on bag. I didn’t expect anything to happen, but one could never be too prepared or have enough pretty underwear on a trip.
I believed it was a cardinal rule that every mother in the history of moms, since the beginning of time, or invention of undergarments, that they beat it into their children’s brains to always have clean underwear. All moms say, “If you get into an accident, you don’t want to be caught wearing dirty underwear.”
Me, I was just open to the possibilities of what could happen. Not that it would, but one never knew. I couldn’t say if I had the opportunity with Mason that I’d turn him down. I’d seen him shirtless and smelled his cologne. I’d crushed on him in the past.
“Why?” Sam stared at me like I’d grown four heads. “You’re smart and beautiful. Mason knows you’re a catch, and he would be an absolute idiot to turn down an all expenses paid week with you.”
I tossed in three bikinis. A girl needed options. “You’re my best friend; it’s like in the handbook that you have to say nice things to make me feel better about myself. You know, girl code.”
“You’re impossible.” She rolled her eyes, frustrated with me. “Do you have everything ready for me to take Sir Farts-a-Lot?”
I giggled. “Yeah. I think so. Where’s your keys, and I’ll get his crate loaded for you.”
“On your kitchen counter. Is this bag ready to go? I’ll zip it up for you.”
“Thanks.” There was a very strong possibility that I'd forgotten something and would be making a trip to the gift shop several times. It was one of the negatives on the cruise. No Target.
“I don’t think you packed enough shoes.” She let out a snicker, poking fun at my shoe obsession. She loved it, considering she borrowed them. That didn’t mean she didn’t give me schtick about it whenever she could.
“I don’t know. You think I should take another pair?” I smirked and left her in my bedroom. I gathered up everything Samantha would need to handle Mooch for the next week. His food, leash, favorite bed and one of my shirts that was spritzed with my perfume so he wouldn’t miss me too much. I almost forgot his favorite squeaking rubber chicken and ball. I had never left him for more than a day or two at the most, and I had to admit I’d miss the guy. I was happy Sam agreed to take him, though, so I wouldn’t have to worry about boarding him somewhere. Not that she really had a choice in the matter. It was part of the best friend contract. Besides, I’d do it for her if she needed me to.
“Alright, Moochie baby. Give me kisses.” I puckered my lips out at my pooch. He rewarded me with stinky corn chip smelling licks to my cheek. Yeah, I’d miss the guy. “I’ll come by to get him as soon as I get back in town.”
“Don’t worry about us. He’ll be fine. I promise to treat Mooch as though he were my own.” Samantha scratched him behind his ears, and I loaded him into his crate. “Be a good boy.” I bit back my tears, feeling very emotional. I knew I’d see him again in a week, but I would miss my shadow. Since the day I had brought him home, he’d been my constant companion. It seemed weird to be sending him off with Sam like part of me was gone. “Have a great time.”
“Bye. Thanks again.” She got into her SUV and backed down the driveway. I watched her drive off then went inside to put my bags by the door for when Mason picked me up in the morning, all the while wiping a tear from my eye.
I went inside to empty my fridge and cabinets of any perishables that would rot while I was away. I didn’t want to return home to moldy bread or fruit. I got my garbage out in the bin and then took a shower and climbed into bed. Excitement and anxiousness chased sleep away. I tossed and turned wondering how the trip would go.
Mason knocked on my front door at five in the morning, and I hadn’t had nearly enough coffee to wake me up. A cab waited in my driveway to take us to the Boise Airport. We were flying to Dallas for a forty-minute layover then on to Miami. It was way too early, but I couldn’t be grumpy when he handed me coffee and a chocolate glazed donut. A man after my own heart. He even had it made exactly how I liked it with caramel cream. How’d he know that?
Add in he appeared sexy doing it, and it was a recipe for disaster. His dark hair had that just fucked look. You know, that sexy tousled look like he’d gone down on some lucky woman, and she’d had her hands buried in his sexy locks all night. He had better not have actually done that. That thought made my stomach drop. It made me want to smell him just to find out.
“Sugar always helps.” His molten gaze warmed me as much as the coffee. Please, God. Please no other women. That would just piss me way off.
“Right. Thanks for this. It’s very thoughtful.”
“I’m a thoughtful guy. This everything?” Damn, he sure was.
“Yup.” He grabbed my rolling suitcase while I took my carry-on and bag.
“What about your dog?” he asked, shocking me.
My heart squeezed in my chest that Mason paid more attention to me than I’d ever realized. “Oh, Mooch. Samantha is keeping him for me.”
“Your best friend from work?”
Like he didn’t know. He saw us together, but still it pulled something inside of me. “Yeah, but we’ve been friends a long time, even before she came to work with us.”
“You ready?” He changed the subject, and I knew we needed to get a move on. We had a big day of traveling ahead of us with my family. My palms were already sweating at the idea of introducing Mason to my family as my secret boyfriend. Considering they already knew Mason. Things were about to get hella awkward for both of us. Especially when my brother caught sight of my plus one.
“So what’s our cover story for when people ask questions? I’m assuming they’ll ask how we got together and all that,” Mason asked on the drive to the airport.
“I told my mother that our relationship was new, and we met through something work related. I tried to keep it vague as possible, but you’ve met my mother.”
“Don’t worry. I’ll sell it.” He winked, and somehow I managed to relax and when we arrived at the airport my hands finally stopped shaking. This was one instance where Mason knowing how my mother was came at an advantage.
I handed my bag off, starting it down the conveyor to pass through the scanner. I had put everything inside my bag, so I knew nothing on me would set off the alarms.
The tube. One thing I didn’t care for. The TSA agent waved me forward. Arms in the air, feet spread apart, the machine made its noises as it went around me. Today was not my day as the buzzer went off, signaling I had something metal on me.
The thing was, my bra didn’t even have a wire, and I had no idea what it could be. I’d chosen this outfit just for that purpose. I planned ahead for travel to go as smoothly as possible.
Beep. Beep. Beep. Yep, it
just got better… The conveyer belt computer started sounding off as my bag went through, alerting the security agents and bringing all eyes on me.
This couldn’t be happening. It was wrong on so many levels. My gaze stayed averted away from Mason, not wanting to let him see the embarrassment on my face of being called out.
“Ma’am, please step aside,” the agent told me, wearing this weird half-smile on his face. The way he stared at me made me uncomfortable, like he knew a secret I wasn’t privy to.
A woman TSA agent began patting me down; all the while, out of the corner of my eye I saw Mason watching. Heat fanned up my spine as I stood there, having my body patted like a criminal or some sort of domestic terrorist. After not finding anything on me, they swabbed my hands and put the cotton into a machine that luckily flashed green, coming back clean.
“You can move over there,” the woman said, her finger pointing to the end of the conveyer belt, and I moved.
At my arrival, the male agent unzipped my bag and smiled, pulling out my BOB. Hot pink ribbed silicone with a special button for my ultimate enjoyment.
Yeah, this was a mistake. Had to be. This couldn’t be my life.
My cheeks turned bright apple red, and sweat filtered all over my body. Mason coughed, reminding me he was there for this, and I vowed to kill Samantha next time I saw her. She had to have done it. There wasn’t anyone else, and I sure as hell wouldn’t have packed it.
“I didn’t pack that,” I swore, turning to Mason and feeling utter embarrassment. “Samantha came over to pick up my dog, and she must have...” I shook my head, not even able to say it as Mason chuckled.
She was as good as dead. The surprise in my bag, while juvenile, was totally Samantha. She loved to get one over on people, but this time she had gone above and beyond to punk me. I should’ve known. She was all too excited to zip up my bag.
“It’s okay. No explanation needed,” he offered.
I could only imagine what he thought I had planned for the rest of our trip, and we hadn’t even left Boise yet.
“If you tell anyone about this, I will have to kill you after I kill Samantha,” I growled low as the wonderful man held my vibrator up for the entire TSA line to see. I prayed my family wasn’t behind us. Some things just couldn’t be lived down.
“Your secret is safe with me.” He grinned even wider, his gaze softening on me. Yeah, Samantha was a dead woman. Maybe in a few years I’d look back and find this funny, but today wasn’t that day. Today I wanted to flee the airport and wring her neck.
After being everyone’s amusement, the wonderful TSA agents finally let me through, tossing my BOB in the suitcase. It would be thrown away as soon as we got to our destination.
“Don’t,” I said, holding my hand up to Mason, knowing with the smirk on his face that he wanted to razz me about it. I wanted to pretend like it never happened. Ignorance was bliss.
Mason stood by me as I sat and put my shoes on and then gathered my things. It wasn’t until I rose from my seat that he got right in my space, causing me to look up at him.
“Don’t be embarrassed, Ev. Just remember—everything happens for a reason.” He put his arm around my shoulders and pulled me close to him. I swore he leaned down and smelled my hair, but he said nothing. His embrace was comforting, and I decided to suck it in and be selfish for a bit. His scent wrapped around me like my favorite sweater.
“Ev!” my mother screamed like we were in a football stadium, arms up in the air and ready to come in for a hug. Mason let me go, and I instantly wanted his embrace back, but it was time to meet the parents.
Doing this while actually dating someone sucked. Doing it while pretending to date someone sucked worse. Nothing prepared me for this.
Mom halted before she reached me, her laser focus going straight to Mason.
Her brow arched. “Mason Jones?” she asked him, surprise evident. Show time, Everly.
He held out his hand to her. “Mrs. Clement. So nice to see you again.” She took his hand, a wide smile spreading across her lips.
“Well, haven’t you grown up.” Her eyes darted between the two of us. “You two are together? This is the Mason you were talking about? Why didn’t you just say so?” She shook her head and gave me the all-knowing mom look that I hated. The one where her eyes lasered right through me, sniffing out all dishonesty. If she suspected it was all a ruse, she didn’t say so thankfully. I hoped she kept it that way.
A small smirk played on Mason’s lips telling me he thought it was funny that I had told my mother about him. Yeah. Hilarious.
“Yeah, Mom. This is him.” I shot her a sheepish smile hoping like hell she’d buy what I was selling.
The skeptical look she gave me told me there would be lots of questions. Luckily, our flight was called over the loudspeaker, so the introductions to the rest of the family were short and sweet.
We boarded the plane, and Mason gave me the window seat. I didn’t care where I sat as long as it kept me away from the scrutiny of my family. I could feel my mother’s eyes on us from two rows away. I knew she was dying to ask me why I didn’t mention that my mystery man was Mason. The same Mason who had stayed over at our house numerous times. The same Mason my brother had been good friends with all during high school.
Mason and Drake were friends, but when I made up that stupid lie, I never expected Mason to be my fake boyfriend.
We agreed we would tell my family that we were keeping things quiet because of work and the fact that he was my brother’s friend. I wasn’t sure how Drake would react, but the harsh look on his face when he spotted the two of us at check-in told me he wasn’t exactly thrilled.
He lifted his chin toward Mason but didn’t say anything. I was grateful. I didn’t want to have a fight. Today had already gotten off to a bumpy start thanks to Samantha and the TSA.
Our three-hour flight to Dallas passed quickly, and I was relieved that Mason didn’t bring up the incident of BOB again. Every time he looked at me, I imagined he thought about the most embarrassing moment of my life, because I sure did. How could I forget. I’d probably end up blog fodder somewhere online.
They’d have a close-up of my face or something made into a gif that would pop up at random times and haunt me forever. Then once it made its rounds, people would be like ‘Oh hey, you’re the dildo airport chick.’ My fifteen minutes of fame, folks. Just what every girl wanted and dreamed they’d be known for—not. I decided after I survived the cruise I’d color my hair, change my name, and move to a remote tiny country so small it wasn’t a blip on the map. I would live an obscure life raising alpaca somewhere in the desert. No one would recognize me then.
Jess cornered me in the bathroom at Dallas Fort Worth International, obviously done with waiting to interrogate me. Her hands shot to her hips and rested on the waistband of her black leggings. “Why didn’t you tell me you were seeing Mason freaking Jones?” she accused, poking a finger into my chest.
I swatted her hand away. “Because it wasn’t anyone’s business. We work together, and he’s a superior, so we gotta keep things quiet. We’re seeing how things go this week. It’s new. Why do you care?” Thank goodness this was all honest. I didn’t want to lie to Jess. I knew she’d understand, but I couldn’t risk her ratting me out to our mother on accident.
“Um, because he’s Drake’s friend, and he used to stay overnight at our house. Did you two ever hook up back then? Mom will be hella pissed if the two of you were sneaking around under her roof. Drake too, or did he know? Was he in on your little secret? You could have told me. I’m offended. Why didn’t I know this?”
“What? No. Give me a chance to speak, would ya?” My face heated. “I don’t appreciate the interrogation. Geez.”
“Whatever.” Jess went into a stall, and I made my escape. I didn’t want to argue. I wanted to survive this trip without any more mishaps, but deep down I knew I’d never be quite that lucky.
Our flight to Miami was over two hours, but we’d made i
t. Sunshine and fun here we come. Except the cosmos didn’t want to align for me. They wanted to slap me while I was down and give me more to deal with. Nothing could go right for Everly. Oh no. That’d be too easy for the universe. I was being punished for being a terrible liar. Karma was a bitch, and she didn’t waste time. She worked fast to tip the scales.
“Where’s your suitcase? It’s silver, right?” Mason stood watching bags pass by, one after the other. Gray, blue, red … no silver. Our heads moved with the conveyor belt like some stupid cartoon until there were none left. I sucked in a breath and tried to remain calm and not lose my shit. My bag had to be there. It was just taking a little detour before coming out to greet me. Tears burned in the back of my throat. This shouldn’t be happening, but it was. Part of me wondered if I shouted the truth if my bag would magically appear by some miracle of divine intervention, but I didn’t want to face the wrath of my mother. I was a complete chicken shit.
Plus, my bag wasn’t going to appear out of thin air, no matter how hard I wished it to be true.
Who was I kidding? It was probably somewhere in Dallas along with a lot of my clothes. I was about to embark on a cruise for seven days, and I only had my carry-on bag, which didn’t have all my necessities. At least I had clean underwear and my vibrator because the latter was something I desperately needed. I’d been doomed from the moment I lied to my mother over Christmas.
Mason took me over to the counter, and I filed a claim hoping beyond reason it would help, but I knew deep down it wouldn’t matter. There was no way my luggage would find me before we set sail. Lord knew they wouldn’t airlift it to the boat. It’d be wishful but foolish thinking to pretend.
“I can loan you something,” my mother suggested, and I wanted to cry thinking about her floral and pastel clothes. I loved my mother, but our tastes in clothing were nowhere near similar. She only wanted to help, but she was doing anything but that.
