As he gave the same attention to my second breast, I tried to be louder. It wasn’t easy for me. I wasn’t in control of them in the first place, and now that he’d called me out, I felt awkward.
Fortunately, JC was patient. He worked me up again, kneading me with his hands, devouring me with his mouth until I was panting noisily.
When his lips eventually left my chest, he returned to my mouth for another deep, urgent kiss. He stretched his legs out behind him, settling between my thighs so that I could feel the stiff ridge of his erection through his pants against my crotch.
“Ah, fuck, I’m so hard for you right now. I’m steel.” He ground his hips into me. “Can you feel that?”
“Yes, yes. I feel you.” My voice was tiny and quiet, so I bucked my pelvis up to let him know how well I could feel him, how much I wanted to feel him more, in case he didn’t make that out from my small statement.
“Now I want you to put your hand in your panties. Rub yourself like you did before.” His tone gave me no room to deny or to question. He wasn’t demanding or even coaxing. He simply held the command, and I wanted to do what he said.
I slid my hand down where he wanted it. Immediately, he covered mine with his, and together we massaged my clit, circling and pressing until my entire nervous system was on fire.
“Yes, that feels good, doesn’t it? Can you let me know how good it feels? You don’t have to use words this time. Just let me hear your moans.”
The sound fell out of my mouth without any thought, followed by another. Sounds that were part groan, part sigh, part gasp. As each one left my body, I felt like a weight had fallen from my back. It was like crying—cathartic and releasing.
“Yes, like that,” JC encouraged me. “Keep rubbing yourself like that. Keep letting me hear you.”
JC’s hand left mine, but I kept stroking my nub as he’d instructed while he sat back on his knees and tucked his fingers around the elastic band of my underwear. When he gestured for me to lift my hips, I did, and he pulled my panties down my legs and tossed them behind him.
I was naked now. Completely revealed. My instinct was to curl in—hide my most private parts from his gaze. But I fought against inclination and kept one hand caressing my breast, the other rubbing my clit, my knees parted so his view wasn’t obscured.
He inhaled appreciatively at the sight of me exposed. Before our encounter the other morning, I’d neglected things down south. There wasn’t much need to trim and shape. Then—after—I decided to tidy up. I pretended it was simply time, but in all honesty, it was because I’d wanted to be ready in case of a moment like this one.
I hadn’t gone completely bare. Close though.
JC pushed my hand away so he could see me better. “This is nice, Gwen.” He ran a finger over the small patch of hair I had left, sending a jolt down my spine, even as he danced around the spot that yearned for his returned attention. “I have to say, I didn’t mind before, but this is even sweeter. I can see you better. I can see your clit right now, and it’s so swollen and pink. I can’t wait until I suck you off there.”
Please, I begged inside my head. I’d lost my voice again, too paralyzed by his stare, and all my invocations remained silent. I could almost feel his lips on my skin, just from the way he looked at me. Could tell how he’d go down on me. Could imagine it so vividly that I was already writhing from the pleasure.
Despite his words, he didn’t move to take me in his mouth. Instead, he shook his head. “Not right now, though. And not because you won’t ask for it, but because I have other things in mind.” He took one of my legs and raised it so my ankle was on the back of the couch. Then he nudged my other farther apart so that my foot touched the floor, spreading me wide. “And also because you won’t ask for it. If you want me to lick you there, Gwen, you’ll have to learn how to tell me.”
He sat back on his knees and swept his eyes over every part of me. “Jesus, you’re gorgeous. Don’t stop touching yourself, Gwen.”
He slid a finger down my slit and circled the rim of my hole. He repeated his circle one more time before plunging it inside me. I was wet. Embarrassingly wet, but JC didn’t seem to mind in the least. He dragged some of my moisture up to help me swirl against my clit and then dipped back down, adding two fingers this time. He finger-fucked me like that, bending his stroke just so that it hit me in exactly the right place.
I could feel my orgasm on the horizon. Like how the sun casts a glow around the land before it hits with his full rays. I had that glow. But I couldn’t quite get the rays.
JC continued to work me. And as he worked me, his other hand undid his pants and released his cock. It was thick and hard as steel. A bead of pre-cum lay on the tip. I watched him as he took his hand from inside me and rubbed my juices down the length of his shaft. Then he returned to probing me while at the same time he began to pump his cock with long strokes.
It was so hot, so intense, so unbelievably erotic. Watching him pleasure himself as I pleasured myself. Knowing that the thing getting him off was the sight of me. Knowing that I wouldn’t be dangling on the edge like this if it weren’t for him.
Still, I couldn’t fall off the cliff. Couldn’t let my orgasm overtake me. It stayed at bay no matter how hot the scenario was. As JC started to pump himself in earnest, I started to fear he’d get there before me.
But, as always, he guessed my thoughts. He met my eyes full on. “You can’t imagine how hard it is for me to keep control of myself. But I’m going to do it. So you don’t have to. I’m going to hold all the control so that you can let go. Let go, Gwen. Let me hear you. Let me see you. Let everything go for me.”
Then, there it was. It came on so easily, as if it hadn’t been hiding at all, streaking through my limbs until I was white-hot and shaking. Every cell, every fiber of my body glowed and shone, my every molecule quivered with the brilliance of my orgasm.
I was only somewhat aware of JC coming with me. He groaned and twitched, his knees knocking against my thighs as his cum shot onto my lower belly and trailed down to where my fingers still shook against my clit. I felt him fall sideways against the sofa, and I briefly wondered if he was as devastated as I was before my mind drifted into the oblivion of my climax.
I kept my eyes closed as I recovered, unable to look any longer at the man who’d brought me to such a state of wreckage. He was magnificent—was that the climax talking?—and the stars that shot across my closed lids seemed fitting after staring at someone so bright. Someone so penetrating that he could see right through me, right into me. See what I needed, what I so desperately wanted to be feeling.
He didn’t even know my full name. Yet, he knew me. A part of me, anyway. A part that no one had bothered to try to know for quite a while.
When I settled, I lay limp and boneless, a smile tickling my swollen lips. He’d done it. He’d relaxed me. He’d taken away the tension and eased the constant knot that resided in my stomach.
JC had unwound me so completely, in fact, that I didn’t even let it bother me that he stirred other emotions in me too. Emotions that I hadn’t bargained for. He made me feel beautiful. He made me feel wanted. He made me feel something other than boring.
He made me feel. Period.
Chapter Eight
Three days later, I was still thinking about my morning with JC. The memory clung to me like expensive cologne that loses its scent until a breeze stirs it up again. I’d forget that it happened. Then something would trigger me. An image or a phrase would float into my mind and suddenly I was hit with vivid flashbacks. The touch of his skin against mine. The effort written on his face as he held my control. The bold words he’d used. With every recollection¸ I became flushed again and dizzy. Even with the club to keep me occupied, I found myself counting the minutes until Wednesday when I’d see him again.
As I came home from work around six on Monday morning, though, it wasn’t JC I was thinking about, but Norma. She’d returned from L.A. the night before during my shift,
and I was eager to see her before she went to the office. Not only because I wanted to hear every last detail about Ben but also because I was glad to have her back.
Maybe I’d even tell her about JC. I hadn’t decided yet.
“Morning, Kev.” I nodded to the doorman, and he let me in the lobby of our Uptown high-rise. He was my favorite of the doormen, older, probably nearing retirement, and despite my preference to remain anti-social, he always had a greeting that drew me out of my shell.
He tipped his hat as I walked by. “That’s two pretty Anders ladies in less than half an hour. It’s my lucky day.”
I stopped, puzzled, and turned back to him. “Norma was down here?” I tried to remember if we had milk and coffee. There wasn’t any other reason I could think of for her to venture out this early.
“She got here in a cab about five-thirty.”
“Huh.” If she’d gone for groceries, she would have walked to the corner store. I’d have to ask her about it.
I waved goodbye. Then, not wanting to wait for the elevator, I hurried up the three flights of stairs to our apartment. Norma wasn’t in the living room when I went in. I passed by the kitchen and smelled coffee brewing but didn’t find her, so next I headed for her bedroom.
Her room was empty when I got there, but I heard the shower going in the master bathroom. Anxious to see her, I sat on her bed and surfed the net on my phone until she finished.
“Good morning,” I said when she walked out ten minutes later in the silk bathrobe I’d given her for her last birthday.
She jumped. “Jesus, Gwen.”
Laughing, I hopped up to give her a hug. “Sorry, I didn’t mean to scare you.”
“I don’t know what was more surprising—seeing you when I didn’t expect to or the fact that you’re hugging me without me initiating it.”
Her comment made me try to wiggle away, but she managed to hold me an extra couple of seconds. “What can I say? I missed you.” I had missed her. I hadn’t realized how much until I saw her.
“Maybe I should go away more often.”
No, I didn’t want that. I liked having her around. But I already felt too gushy with the hug so I didn’t say anything. Instead, I climbed back onto her bed to watch her get ready for work.
As I curled my feet under me cross-legged style, I noticed something. “Your bed hasn’t been slept in.” Which wasn’t like Norma. She usually left that for the housekeeper. Had she not slept at home?
“Oh.” She paused, her back to me as she reached in her underwear drawer for a pair of panties. Then she turned to me and waved her hand dismissively. “You know, I was so tired last night, I fell asleep on top of all the covers.”
“Wow. You must not have moved at all. It still looks so freshly made.”
“I straightened it this morning.” Not looking at me, she stepped into her panties and pulled them up. Then abandoned her robe to put on her bra.
I might have made more of a deal about the bed, but now her underwear distracted me. While I’d never been big on spending money on frivolous things, I made sure to always have nice lingerie. If a woman feels good in her underthings, she’ll feel powerful in her world, and all that bullshit. Norma never needed those kinds of head tricks. She was powerful and confident wearing cotton whites.
So when had she splurged on silk?
“You did some shopping,” I said, as she fumbled with her bra clasp. “They look great.”
She met my eyes in the mirror above her dresser. “A few months ago. I ordered from Faire Frou Frou. Decided to see what all the fuss was about.”
“And?”
“They’re nice. I like them.” She spun to look at me directly when I gave her a skeptical frown. “What?”
“Nothing. I’m just glad you’re finally treating yourself to something nice.” Also, I was beginning to suspect there was something up. “Did you go out before I got here?”
“Today?” She pulled out some pieces from her jewelry box.
“Yeah. Kev said you came in soon after his shift started. Did you go someplace?”
Norma was never as easy to read as I was. Yet her expression seemed even more unreadable than usual. Like she was trying harder to remain aloof.
After a few seconds, irritation replaced her stoicism. “Geez, Gwen. I expected Twenty Questions when I got in but about Ben. Not me.”
“Sorry. I’m simply making conversation.” I stood to help her fasten her necklace.
She held her hair up for me. “Thank you.”
But I wasn’t letting her off the hook that easily. “Also, I was curious.”
She let her hair down and straightened the jewel on her neck. “I went for a run, okay?”
In the winter, Norma usually kept her workouts to the apartment gym. I didn’t mention that. “Then you got tired and took a cab back?”
“I guess the trip to L.A. wore me out more than I thought it had.” She was hiding something, and that irritated me.
But I could tell that if I pried any more, we’d argue, and I didn’t want to fight when she’d just gotten home. “I’m sure the whole thing was exhausting. Do you have any new information? About Ben?”
I’d talked to her every day so I doubted she had anything left to tell me, but she managed to give me a few details about my brother that I hadn’t yet heard. The facility she’d checked him into wasn’t in San Francisco but rather Marin County. It was voluntary and he could check out at any time. His care providers, however, would make recommendations about his continued stay. Ben had still refused to see Norma, but he agreed to let his progress be shared with her.
She sat on the bed next to me to put on her stockings. Thigh highs with a garter belt. I was about to make another remark about her suddenly awesome lingerie when she said, “I met Ben’s boyfriend.”
This threw me. “I didn’t realize he was seeing anyone.” It was the one thing Ben was usually open about—his sex life. He always told me who his latest bang was, usually someone he hooked up with on Grindr. Where I had shut myself off from sex, Ben had thrown himself into it, both of us for the same reason—no interest in interpersonal connection.
“I didn’t either. They hadn’t been together long, and I guess Ben tried to push him away before he took the pills. The guy—Eric—is sticking around, though. Says he’s here for the duration. I think he’s good people. I feel better about leaving Ben with someone who loves him.” Norma attached one garter and began on the other stocking.
I stretched my legs out behind me and propped my face up with my hands. “Hmm.”
“What’s that mean?”
“I don’t know. I’m just not sure that Ben will ever really settle down.” Just like I would never settle down. That notion had been beaten out of us. Love’s a fairytale, our father would tell us. You think you’re going to grow up and live happily ever after? That’s a fucking myth.
Sure, I’d learned that my dad didn’t have the secrets to anything, let alone how to live happily, but he’d certainly taught us well about love by his relationship with us. We’d loved him. He’d hurt us. He was right—love was a fairytale. One I knew that Ben did not believe in. “Hope this Eric guy doesn’t get burned.”
Norma stood up and scowled. “Right now Ben isn’t in any position to burn anyone, Gwen. And I think you’re wrong. I think Ben is very much ready to settle down, and that thought spooked him. That’s what I think led to his attempt.”
I didn’t agree. Also, it was surreal to be scolded by my sister when she looked like a pin-up doll.
And here we were again on the verge of an argument. “Maybe.”
But since I was never really good at making peace, I added, “Mostly it was Dad’s upcoming release.”
“That too,” she agreed. Kudos to Norma for being the bigger person.
She disappeared into her walk-in closet. While she was gone, I kicked myself for being so combative. It wasn’t very nice in general but especially under the circumstances. Norma had dealt with an emoti
onal issue, returned home late on a Sunday, and was up at the crack of dawn for work. I needed to show her more compassion.
Besides, I had something I wanted to tell her. It was maybe not fitting considering our conversation topics so far that morning, yet I was suddenly very eager to share. I walked over to the closet door and leaned against the frame. “I took your advice.”
“About?” Norma tucked her sleeveless black blouse into her gray suit skirt.
“I loosened up. Or I’m trying to.” Except with the way I was nervously biting my lip, I probably didn’t look very loosened.
Her face wrinkled as she tried to figure out what I was talking about. Then her eyes widened when she remembered. “You got laid?”
“You don’t have to sound so surprised.”
“But I am surprised. You haven’t been interested in getting laid in years.” She was right but she didn’t have to remind me.
I rolled my eyes, but I couldn’t stop the smile that played on my lips. “I guess I probably had everyone convinced I was secretly a nun.”
“Not a nun. Your mouth is too foul.” She grabbed her suit jacket from the hanger then started out of the closet. “Walk with me while I pour my coffee. Tell me all about him.”
“He’s just a guy. And it’s only happened once. Well, twice.” I tagged behind Norma, feeling very much like the little sister who was spilling her guts about her latest crush. While I didn’t want her to get the wrong idea about JC, I couldn’t not tell her about him now. And I still wanted to tell her. Wrong impression or not.
“What’s his name?” Norma set her jacket on the counter, pulled a travel mug down from the cupboard and poured half the pot in before asking, “Want some?”
“No, thanks. I’m about ready to go to bed. And his name’s JC.” I realized as I said it that she’d probably ask me what JC stood for next. Or what his last name was. Dammit, I hadn’t really thought this through. “But that’s all. I’m not telling you anything else about him.”
Free Me Page 11
