by Nicole Thorn
Until it wasn’t. The second she panicked, my brain clicked back on. Gods, the sound of her voice. The way she said my name. It was like she couldn’t get air in through her lungs. Her face had been so tight, but her eyes were the worst. Those beautiful green eyes had stared right through me, like she wasn’t even in the room. She had bolted and I just couldn’t get to her fast enough before she was out of my reach.
If I had managed to grab her, I don’t even know what I would have said. I could have apologized, but I’m not sure she would have heard it and… Damn it, what was I supposed to do if I did get her? If I grabbed her and she looked through me, it would have just panicked her more. She wouldn’t have been safe, with her friend, she would have been back in her own head.
Being abused.
When I saw that Zander had her, I had retreated, because I knew she was okay. Zander would keep her safe. That’s what he did. Everything would be fine, as long as he had her and as long as she didn’t see me. It wasn’t worth her pain, no matter how quiet the whispers were when she was around.
I had hidden in my room until I knew she was safely in Zander’s. The second that she was out of the way, I had crept downstairs at a crawl, only to be mobbed by my sisters. It was hard to hide from people you shared a womb with, no matter how sneaky you think you are. It’s even more difficult when those two people are Seers and one can tell the other exactly what you’re doing in that moment.
With no other choice, I had told my sisters what happened with Kezia. Neither were surprised to learn that we had made out. Nor were they completely surprised when I told them how Kezia reacted. We aren’t good at reading normal people all the time, but broken people? That’s different. They knew something was up with her. I didn’t confirm their suspicions, or give them new ones. I just told them what happened.
Jasmine wanted to go speak with her, but knew her presence wouldn’t be welcomed, so instead, she went out. To remove herself from temptation, she claimed. Juniper and I didn’t stop her. While I had made my way to my studio, Juniper started cleaning and straightening everything up. She had done it until I went upstairs and told her to go to bed. She did, which was a testament to how exhausted she must have been.
And now I was by myself, in my studio, working on my little clay village and letting the world fall away. The music I was listening to helped, but not as much as what I was working on. There needed to be houses in the village and I was building them up, one by one. With the houses, they needed people and animals. Which meant they probably needed a little park. If I was more patient, I would even make up fences, but somehow, it would take something away. So, no fences.
I was in the middle of designing a car. I was making it a convertible, because it was more difficult and required more of my attention. The tires were the hardest part. There were other materials in the studio that I could use for the tires, but then it would look unnatural, even if I painted it really carefully. So, instead, I was in putting a light coating of clay onto some wooden wheels that I had made and working texture into the mold.
The car was already out of the kiln. I’ve done this before, so I knew that I couldn’t attach the tires to the actual model. It would then become clunky, instead of sleek. Why the tires made all the difference, I didn’t know. The actual car had been painted cherry red and the insides were done in tans and browns. It had taken me the better part of a week to complete it and I thought it was pretty good.
My headphones were yanked off. It wasn’t done in a vicious way, but my ears still rang when I looked up. Zander was standing across from me, looking utterly exhausted. He wasn’t upset, which I found interesting. I would have thought he’d be put out with me for clearly upsetting an already fragile girl.
He sat down in his stool. “What are you doing?”
“Putting wheels on the car,” I said, setting my tools down. I think this was the first time Zander and I had been alone in the same room. It felt awkward. He and Jasmine were similar in their demeanors, but I didn’t know how to relate to him the way I knew how to relate to my sister. Being around Jasmine was comfortable, but being around Zander… We didn’t know each other and we weren’t necessarily friends.
Zander nodded. He set his elbows on the table, heedless of the clay dust that was covering it. “You’ve been in here for a while,” he informed me.
I glanced at the clock. It was almost two in the morning. I nodded in agreement, removing the headphones completely and pausing the music so that there was nothing but silence between us. To make it even more awkward than it was before.
“So, what do you know?” he finally asked, when the two of us had been avoiding looking at each other for long enough. Or, perhaps I was avoiding it and he was helping me. Zander was such a complex guy, for someone who seemed so simple.
I debated, briefly, on playing dumb. Then dismissed the idea. Something told me he would know and while he wouldn’t get upset, he wouldn’t appreciate it either. I shrugged. “Not much. When you two interrupted our visions—”
“That idiotic thing you did, you mean and we’ll eventually discuss that as well,” Zander corrected easily. Guess the demigods were still upset about that and I still didn’t know how to tell them it wasn’t that big of a deal.
Even so, I smirked and continued talking. “You interrupted the energy flowing between us. We had been concentrating on the Furies and the energy flew from Jasmine to Juniper to me and then back again. When you touched us, you added your own energy into the mix, causing us all to get visions. Kezia touched me and Juniper,” I said.
Zander nodded. “And Juniper’s visions are…”
“Safe,” I said.
“I wouldn’t call them that.”
I shrugged. This was all semantics, so it didn’t matter if he thought they were safe or not. “I saw her in a bedroom,” I explained. “She looked fourteen or fifteen, but I suspect she was a couple of years younger.”
Zander’s face was impassive.
I continued. “She was sitting there, looking out the window and thinking about… you. Then a woman came in, put her arms around Kezia and that’s when the vision broke up.”
Zander cocked his head. “Is that all?”
I smiled, but it felt tense, so I dropped it. “Yes, that’s all, but the nature of my visions aren’t the same as my sisters’. Jasmine sees the most likely future and it’s usually tied in with someone she’s met. On occasion, if she’s highly emotional and someone bumps into her, it can be about a stranger, but that’s rare. Either way, she just gets images and sound. Nothing else. Juniper sees the present and it’s like she’s watching it right in front of her. She hears, sees, smells and sometimes feels what the person she’s watching is feeling, but only tactilely. And she has to speak them, otherwise she can get confused on what’s happening to her and what’s happening to the other person. Talking gives her something else to concentrate on. My visions are of the past. Set events, that cannot be changed,” I explained. “So I get everything. It’s like I’m sitting right next to the person while whatever’s happening is happening. I see what they do, hear what they do and feel what they feel. Whatever those feelings are. I know their thoughts and in that moment I know their history. I know everything.”
Zander watched me, thoughtfully. There was some kind of emotion on his face, but I couldn’t quite nail it down. He wasn’t trying to hide it, because Zander was usually a pretty open book. It was just beyond my ability to name. He nodded and sat back. “What was she feeling?” His voice was odd, braced.
“I didn’t want to see her past,” I said. “It’s an invasion of privacy that I try really hard to avoid.”
“So you don’t want to tell me?” He asked.
I looked away from him, knowing how absurd it sounded. I, who stole memories that should only be given, refusing to share them with someone who probably already knew everything. But it still felt wrong. “I’d rather not.”
Zander nodded, not looking offended at all. “Look, I’d like
to tell you what’s going on, but you’re right. It’s not my place. Kizzy is already upset and there’s no reason for me to make it worse.” He shoved his hand through his hair and then looked blankly towards the windows on the garage door. “And I know you didn’t look into her past on purpose, so don’t feel guilty about that.”
If only it were that easy.
“Nothing that happened yesterday was your fault,” he said, turning to look me in the eye. I tried to dodge, but couldn’t quite. “Nothing that happened was because of you, okay?”
I nodded, looking away.
“Jasper,” Zander said, his voice commanding.
I glanced at him and then paused. He looked so earnest and sincere that I couldn’t turn away again. It was hard not to believe him. If he was happy, then he showed it. If he was serious, then the entire room felt like it was on the edge of a blade, waiting for him to give a command. And right now he was really serious. I could only imagine, if he was furious, then the walls would shake.
That’s the problem with demigods. Their power is right at their fingertips. They have just enough human in them to control it, but just enough god in them to not always know when it leaked out.
Right now, it sure as hell felt like some power was leaking out.
“Okay,” I said, because it seemed like he was waiting for me to say something.
He nodded and made his way to the door, only to stop halfway there. He shoved his hand through his hair again and turned back around. “She’s not upset with you, okay? If you shut her out, I think it’ll hurt her more than having to deal with what happened. So… can you not do that? Can you not shut her out?”
I blinked, unsure of what to say to that. I didn’t shut people out, at least, I didn’t feel like I did. Again, I nodded.
He stared at me for another moment or two before turning around and leaving. The door closed quietly behind him. I stared down at the little car that had been taking up all my attention. I nudged it with the tip of my finger. It felt lighter now than it had earlier, but it also felt more insignificant. Yeah, I wanted the car to be perfect, but at the same time, it meant nothing to anyone but me.
Which made it small.
And made me small right along with it.
A car door slammed shut right on the other side of the garage. There was some giggling, or what I thought was giggling and then something fell against the side of the garage. I waited, with a sinking feeling in my gut, for the front door to open and shut with too much force.
Then I waited some more. And a tad bit more. Around the third minute, the sinking suspicious in my gut grew to a certainty. I stood up, feeling off kilter and tired. Zander was nowhere in sight when I got to the living room. I had to assume he was upstairs, putting Kezia back together.
That was good, because I didn’t want him to see what I was about to see. I pulled the front door open and… there she was. Jasmine was sitting on the front porch and she looked like she had gotten into a fight with a rabid wolf. Her hair was standing up, like she had been pulling on the ends frantically and her mismatched eyes were wild. The blue one was blood shot, but the gray was as clear as ever. She had her arms wrapped around her stomach and was gently swaying back and forth, like she was too drunk to control even that.
She was dressed in a short dress and it had tears along the hem. Like someone had grabbed it and ripped. Tears were streaking down her face. When I pulled the door open, she jumped, like she forgot the door was even there and another round of tears fell. She smiled and waved. “Jasp,” she croaked and then sobbed. “I couldn’t get the door open. My key wouldn’t get in the lock. I kept trying and trying, but it wouldn’t hit in the right spot. Stupid key!” She threw the offending object and it skittered between my feet.
I retrieved it and hung it up by the door, while she tried and failed to get her choking sobs under control. I stepped forward and slid my arms under her. She made another mewling sound. “Key shouldn’t have fought me,” she cried.
“I know, Jazz,” I said. Picking her up was easy. She didn’t even put up a fuss. I stepped into the house and kicked the door closed. I’d lock it on my way down again. “Let’s just get you upstairs, so you can sober up.”
“Hate sober,” she moaned. “Sober is sad. I don’t want to be sad. Don’t you want me to be happy?” she asked, but didn’t fight me as I went towards the stairs. “I just want to be happy and I can’t see anything when I’m happy. Happy, happy, happy.” She punctuated each comment with a slap to my shoulder.
“Of course, Jazz,” I said. “I’d love it if were you happy.”
Her head fell back and I had to readjust quickly, or risk dropping her. She was still awake, though. “If. Always if I were happy, isn’t it? But this makes me happy, Jasper. Don’t you get it?” She sobbed. “I’m happy when reality goes away.”
I closed my eyes. “I know, Jazz,” I said, finally getting to her bedroom. The door was closed, so I had to get creative if I wanted to put her to bed. She offered no help as I readjusted her once more and twisted the doorknob. I dumped her in her bed. “Here ya go. You should get some sleep. Your trashcan is right here if you get sick, okay?”
She curled up on her side and stared at me. “Why are we this? It makes no sense, when we do nothing but see. We see but we can’t find. And when we can find, we can’t help. So, why are we this?”
I didn’t answer her, knowing it would only make things worse. “Jazz, why is your dress torn?” I asked instead, to distract her. Although, I knew I wouldn’t like the answer. I never did.
“Hmm? Oh… Bad men. Very bad men. Pushed and shoved at me. S’okay, though. They didn’t touch. Nice lady came at them with a baseball bat. They screamed funny and their heads made a weird sound… You think the Furies will kill her now? She was trying to help, but I only hurt…”
I sat down at the edge of her bed, because my legs suddenly felt a little weak. I pet my sister’s hair and she started to drift off. “Just go to sleep, Jazz. Everything will be better in the morning.”
“We both know you’re lying,” she said, but her eyes closed anyway, as if they were too heavy for her to hold up anymore. I wasn’t sure how long it took her to fall asleep, but I stayed there until she did. I pulled her shoes off and tossed them to the corner of the room and then tugged the blanket up to her chin.
I was almost to the door when she said, “Are you leaving me?”
“Of course not, Jazz,” I said. “I’m just letting you get some sleep. I’ll be downstairs if you need anything, anything at all.”
“Love you, Jasp.”
“Love you, too, Jazz,” I said and was then out in the hall. Just in time to see Juniper hightailing it towards the stairs. She must have been listening at the door, to make sure that Jasmine was fine. I took off after my other sister, the pit in my stomach doing nothing but getting bigger.
When I got down the stairs, I found Juniper in the kitchen. Her eyes were wide, so wide until I could see the white all around both irises. She was pacing around, opening drawers and cabinets. Closing them gently. She pulled open the dishwasher and started rearranging the dishes within, even though they were dirty.
“Juni?” I asked.
She ignored me and yanked open one of the cabinets. The cups were all in the right order, but she took them all down and began to wipe them with a rag and replace them. Her hands shaking the entire time she moved.
“Juni?” I asked again, stepping forward.
“Just need something to do,” she said, her voice breathy with barely controlled panic. “It’s fine. I’ll be fine. It has to be fine.”
“Juni,” I said a third time, stepping up. She didn’t look at me as she hurriedly put all the cups back into the cabinet, in the exact spots they had been before. Then she fussed with the handles. Her hands shook badly the entire time she was doing it, her nails rattling against the glass.
Finally, she started speaking. “It’s fine. Need to make sure everything is the way it’s supposed to be. T
he cups were wrong. The dishwasher was wrong. The laundry room. I should check on the laundry room. Jasmine is okay, right? I need to check on the laundry room. Why don’t you follow me? I’m not talking too loudly, right, because I don’t want the demigods to wake up and be upset, because then they might do something. And something won’t be where it’s supposed to be and Jasmine could have gotten hurt today and I don’t know what I would have done, because she would have been hurt and she wouldn’t be where she’s supposed to be, which is here with us, but she won’t stop. Why won’t she stop? She’ll get hurt and then we’ll be alone, just the two of us, broken without our future and she’ll get hurt, Jasper, she won’t come home one day and that day will be bad. Nothing will be right anymore and I need to check the laundry room, will you come with me to check the laundry room because, because I don’t want to be alone right now and my chest hurts, why does my chest hurt—”
I grabbed my sister and covered her mouth to stop her from talking. She hadn’t taken a single breath since she started and that’s why her chest hurt. I covered her mouth and looked into her panic filled eyes. The ones that were telling me she couldn’t do it. She couldn’t keep the lid on herself and she was scared.
“Let’s go to the laundry room,” I said, very patiently. “Then we can check on the living room and the office and then we can go upstairs, okay? And you can go to sleep and everything will be right where it’s supposed to be.”
She nodded and that’s just what we did. We went into the laundry room and I stood patiently while she rearranged all the detergents and cleaning products by size. Then we went into the living room and she fluffed the pillows and adjusted them until they were in the exact same spots on the opposite ends of the couch. In the office, she stacked the papers neatly, making sure there were four stacks. She turned the screen saver off, because it was distracting and then we went upstairs, where she checked into each bedroom, making sure everyone was home. She somehow managed to restrain herself from panicking when Kezia was in Zander’s bed instead of her own, but she told me it was okay, because she was in the house and that’s where she was supposed to be.
