by Nicole Thorn
I managed to scream, but it was weak. My eyes opened again and my shirt was in half. I looked down at my exposed stomach. It was pumping blood out of me, but it was slowing. My hand found my stake, because I needed something to ground me for this one. A good portion of my insides were in Mr. Nelson’s front yard. Mighta lost a kidney, but… details.
“What’s happening?” Jasper asked.
I looked up at him and the angle made him upside down. “Healing up. It ain’t pretty.” My good arm was finding the stake. I gripped it and the thing snapped in my hand as the next big wave of pain came. It was in my broken arm. The bones were fusing back together.
“Why is it hurting you?”
I was panting out shallow breaths. “Parts coming back together. Too fast. Kind of itchy too.” He smiled and I did too. Then I moved his hand over my heart. “Takes a lickin’ and keeps on tickin’.” Story of my fucking life.
“Damn good thing.”
“How are you, honey?”
He blinked. “Can’t really complain when your kidney is in the grass over there.” He nodded.
“Fuckin’ knew it…”
He pulled up my shirt and we looked at my progress. My arm already was a dull pain. My stomach wasn’t bleeding anymore, but the gashes still looked deep.
Jasper’s fingers curled on my chest. He looked so tired and so hurt. I should be taking care of him. Not the other way around. More than that, he looked rattled. I guess a dying girl would do that to you.
When I was able, I sat up. I was still healing, but we needed to move. I had my back against the car and I looked at all the blood around me. Well I couldn’t clean it myself, but I had a stupid solution. I covered it with weeds. I pulled them from the cracks of the sidewalk and fused them to my blood. The next rain would take care of the rest and the blood in the grass would be unseen. Only real issue was the fence and maybe the mailbox. Not my problem.
I stood with great effort and got Jasper to his feet. He was worse off than I was. But he’d live.
I looked at myself. I was very exposed and that was bad. “Do you have something?”
He looked at my problem. “In the back.”
I searched and found a sweater that had to be his. I turned around and peeled off the blood soaked shirt I was in, then I pulled the sweater over my head. I tossed the shirt in a trashcan and then it was time to go.
I insisted on driving home. Jasper was in rough shape and I was all healed up. I was tired, but that didn’t matter.
The drive back was just as quiet as the drive there, but it was less awkward. I wasn’t wondering how pissed Jasper was at me for the petals. I didn’t mean to upset Juniper, I just needed to have control over something. I wouldn’t have left them there. And I wasn’t wondering bitterly why Jasper wasn’t attracted to me. It was better this way, really. I couldn’t be with him anyway, so I should be glad that he didn’t want me.
When we got home, I left the photo album in the car. I’d hidden it away when Jasper was getting in the car. I needed to talk to Zander about it. He must already know how messed up these people really were. He could feel that kind of thing. But it was private, so he wouldn’t have told me.
They didn’t seem to understand. Jasper finally caught on today. The girls didn’t know at all. They thought they were fine, that their dad was fine. He was evil and they should see that.
What Jasper and I didn’t have in common was that he wanted to get better. He knew he deserved it and I knew I didn’t deserve it. They were bad people, but I didn’t stop them from hurting me.
“What the hell happened to you?” Zander asked, the girls behind him as we walked in.
“Kezia killed a Fury,” Jasper said, touching the part of his head that was hurt.
Jasmine’s mouth dropped open. “What?”
I nodded. “Killed the fuck out of her. To be fair, she killed me right back. Mostly. I scooped up my insides and shoved ‘em back in,” I patted my stomach.
Juniper was staring at the blood on Jasper’s shoulders. “Are you okay?”
“I just need to sit down. I’m tired.” His blinks were getting slower and he was losing his ability to not sway. I put my arm around his middle and his arm around my shoulder.
“You’re sleeping,” I told him. “And you better not fight me.” I dragged him up to his room and sat him on his bed. “Take your shirt off?”
He looked up at me, half alive. “Huh?”
I sighed. “I have to patch you up.”
He rubbed his face. “Maybe not.”
Jeez. “It’s fine. You’ve seen me naked, gotten to second base with me and we made out for several minutes. If all that meant absolutely nothing to you, I don’t see why you being shirtless right now would. But if you insist on being difficult, I can knock your ass out and just do it while you’re sleeping.”
“Do what you have to do.”
I left and got a first aid kit. Then I pulled his shirt off. His shoulders were cut up, but it wasn’t as bad as it could have been. I used my own blend of ointments on him. It took a little while to make, but it would speed up the healing a bit and make it not hurt.
Jasper was barely keeping upright by the time I was done. I got another shirt for him and put it on. Then I laid him down. I started taking his shoes off, setting them on the floor.
“Kezia,” Jasper said, reaching for me. He found my hand.
“Do you need something, sweetheart?” I asked pulling the blankets over him.
His hand found my face and his half open eyes were on me. “Don’t go.”
I blinked. “Where do you think I’m going?” He couldn’t know I wanted to leave the house. I didn’t tell him anything. He didn’t know how deep the pain ran. The pain he caused.
“Stay with me,” he said.
“Here?”
“Yes.” He moved aside in his bed and I think he wanted me to sit beside him. What else could I do? So much for getting the fuck out of here and saving face.
I got on his bed and his hand touched my stomach. He made a sleepy sound before he closed his eyes all the way. “I’m glad.”
“What are you glad about?”
Jasper took a minute. “They deserved it. Both of them. I’m glad Zander killed them, because I love you.”
My heart stopped as I watched him fall asleep. “Jasper!” He was already out.
My heart was slamming into my chest and I couldn’t breathe. He knew. He knew what happened. Enough to be glad that my foster parents were dead. How could he…
Oh no.
Zander wouldn’t have said a word, but I knew what happened. I felt sick. He saw the past. He saw me. What the hell did he see? Zander and I talking about it after? Mr. Rivers hitting me with The Bat? Parker and I… Two years of horrors that he could have seen. And he didn’t tell me. Maybe what he saw was too ugly to talk about.
It was probably the number one reason he didn’t want me. He knew just how broken I was. Why would he want anything to do with that? He knew I would be no fun. That he wouldn’t be able to do what he wanted with me. I was a piece of glass he didn’t want to be responsible for. That was fair.
My head turned with pictures I couldn’t make go away. Nowhere was safe for me. Not right now.
I could feel her hands on me. Her mouth, hot and greedy in places it shouldn’t be. I couldn’t make it stop, so I just shook.
One thing made me pause. Words that came back to me, I don’t know how many hours later.
He said he loved me.
Ψ
I was on my back and staring at the ceiling. I was clean now, so that was good. Jasper was sleeping so soundly that I didn’t feel bad sneaking off for a few minutes to get the blood off of me. I was still in Jasper’s sweater, because I didn’t care enough to change.
I felt shattered in ways that I didn’t know were possible. Here I thought I’d been damaged as much as I could be. But nothing quite like the guy you’re crazy about letting you know that he knows you were abused. It was so
private, this pain in me. I let Zander in because he was my other half. I didn’t want Jasper knowing what I was.
Too late.
I turned to face Jasper. He looked unsettled, even asleep. Why did he tell me he loved me? I knew what kind of love it was. He loved me like I loved Jasmine and Juniper. He didn’t want the broken girl. Who would?
Jasper opened his eyes after another few hours passed by. He blinked awake, looking at me looking at him. Would he be mad I was here? He asked me to stay.
“Are you feeling better?” I asked.
He sat up with a lot of effort, I went with him. “Yeah. My shoulders don’t hurt too bad. My headache is fading.”
“Good. I’ll go get you something to eat.”
I started moving and Jasper grabbed my hand, stopping me. “Is something wrong?”
My fingers twitched in his hand. “Yeah, you’re hurt.”
He eyed me. “What else?”
I settled back down and took my hand back. I stared at my lap so I wouldn’t have to look at him. “What did you see, when you had that vision? And don’t lie to me. I know you saw me, because your sister saw Zander.”
“Kezia, it’s none of my—”
“No, it’s none of your business, but you saw anyway.” I looked at him. “Please, tell me what you saw that day.”
He looked like he’d rather jump off a cliff, but he told me. “I saw a woman in your room. She put her arm around you and kissed you.”
I closed my eyes. “Were we dressed?”
Silence for three full seconds. “Yes.”
At least he didn’t see any of the really bad stuff. When I opened my eyes again, I watched him. “How much do you know?”
He swallowed. “I know what she was doing to you. And I know some of what her husband did. I saw Zander kill them.”
My eyes widened. I knew what that scene looked like. I was there for some of it.
I tucked my legs up to my chest and held them. “So, I guess you understand why the Furies want us dead.”
“No. I do not understand why they want you dead. You did nothing.”
“Exactly! I didn’t do anything.” I didn’t mean to snap, but I did. Then I broke into a billion pieces. I was crying and Jasper pulled me to him. “I didn’t stop them.”
He hushed me. “It’s not your fault.”
I nodded. “It is. I should have made her stop.”
“What were you supposed to do?”
“Something…”
He was quiet. And I was quiet. I didn’t like the quiet, not right now. So I made a decision that I prayed wouldn’t hurt everyone. I crawled onto Jasper’s lap because I felt safe there, with him. His hand went to my hip as his arm snaked around me. I held his other hand in mine, because feeling him made me feel better.
“We were eleven,” I said, trying to be brave. “Zander and I got separated when the place we were in got too crowded. We were at the age where it was a million to one that we’d ever get adopted, but it was fine. Our moms said they would help us when we were eighteen. And they did. We got money and a place to live. We just needed to get through seven more years.”
Jasper was readying himself for this tale. I was cruel enough not to ask if he wanted to hear it. And he was kind enough not to stop me.
“Zander was in the next town over. He was placed with this couple who couldn’t have kids. They had a ton of foster kids over the years. There were little kids there and they worshipped Zander. He loves being a big brother. It’s what he’s best at.
“And then there’s where I went. Parker and Troy Rivers. They also had a lot of foster kids. They only ever had one at a time. The kids aged out and left. So I was alone with them.”
Jasper’s fingers brushed mine and I could hear his heart behind his ribs. Already pounding.
I went on anyway. “I didn’t know it was happening when it started. When I was little, I liked to play in dirt and grass. I only wore dresses, so I’d just be covered in dirt by the end of the day.”
Jasper was smiling, but I could read his mind in that smile. Picturing a little pink haired girl playing in dirt, but then picturing what happened to that little girl.
“I don’t know why, but when I washed up, I always missed spots. Like my forearms.” I looked down at them, running my hand and Jasper’s over the skin. “And my knees. Always my knees. It annoyed Parker, or so she said. She decided that the best way to make sure I cleaned up right was for her to watch me take my baths.”
Jasper winced at that, squeezing my hand just a little.
“I didn’t know better,” I said. “I hadn’t been with that many families and everyone was different. I thought that maybe that was just how this family worked. It started with smaller things before, but I didn’t understand them until later. Like when she was just a little too touchy. Or when she looked at me when her husband wasn’t looking. Then it got to be a little clearer.
“She still wasn’t happy with my job of cleaning myself.” I stopped and looked out the window. “So she started doing it. She would start with the dirt spots and then she moved to parts that didn’t need it. She took a really long time doing it.” I pressed my knees together hard enough to hurt. “Then she would dry me off and put me in my bed.” I stopped to breathe.
“That was it for a few months. Then the other stuff started. Mr. Rivers worked late, so Parker spent her time alone. She said she didn’t like being alone.”
I felt Jasper press his forehead to my temple. “Kezia…”
“Do you want me to stop?”
He laced his fingers with mine and left his hand on my stomach. “If you want to tell me, then do it.”
I pushed forward. “It was just her sleeping in bed with me. Then she would spoon me. One night, I was half awake. I felt her hand on my hip, then she started moving it really slowly. It was on my stomach and then it wasn’t.” I squeezed my eyes shut as I remembered. I spared Jasper the details that he didn’t need to know. “It hurt,” I said. “It always hurt, the way she did it. Her nails were sharp and she wasn’t… careful,” I almost choked on the word.
“It was all steps. She did just that for a while. And I would pretend to be sleeping, because I was scared of what would happen if she knew I was awake. Then I found out what she did when I was awake.” I sounded a million miles away.
“One of the nights I got a bath and one where Mr. Rivers was gone, I got put to bed. Parker got in and she didn’t wait ‘til I was sleeping. She got on top of me and she started kissing me. I didn’t know what to do, so I screamed. Then I got tired.”
Jasper made a sound and I couldn’t make myself look at his face. I knew what I would see.
“I liked cocoa,” I said, empty on the inside. “She made it for me before bath time. I didn’t taste what she put in it that night and I still don’t know what it was. She just told me that it would relax me because the first time can be scary for a girl.”
I felt weaker from the words. I laid my head on Jasper’s shoulder and his hand rubbed my hip softly. He was quiet as a church mouse, because what could you say in a moment like this.
“I didn’t fall asleep,” I said. “But I couldn’t move. I thought that maybe the god in me was fighting off what was in the cocoa. It didn’t matter. It didn’t fight hard enough. I remember Parker taking my clothes off. And hers and kissing. Too much kissing. She started,” I stopped, not wanting to say it out loud. “It was… I didn’t know what she was doing. I was too young to know what it was. The touching too, but this more. She did it for a while and I think she was upset that I didn’t,” I stopped again.
Jasper saved me from saying it. “Oh.” There was disgust, despair, sympathy and softness in his voice.
“I didn’t know what that was either,” I said. “But she stopped for the night. We went to sleep. I woke up and I was dressed and alone.”
Jasper forced words out of his mouth. “That wasn’t when you told Zander?”
I shook my head. “He didn’t find out for anothe
r year.”
Jasper looked like he’d been punched in the gut. “Why?”
I sighed. “We’d been in horrible places and the group homes weren’t great. We got beat up, yelled at, made fun of, shunned. He was finally in a good place. He was happy and taken care of. The family he was with were filing the adoption papers when I ruined everything. He could have had a good life.”
“He’s your brother. That didn’t mean anything to him. Not when you were being hurt.”
I looked into his eyes. “You have sisters. If you had the choice between being miserable alone while they were in bliss, or making all of you sad, what would you do?”
His face was tight. “I wish you told him.”
“Him too. But I was already fucked up. There was no point in ruining us both.”
Jasper didn’t agree. No one did.
My story wasn’t over and I was only giving him the abridged version. “I told Parker I didn’t like it, but she said I would after a while. I just needed to get more used to it. Then her husband found out. I don’t know how, but he did. Then a pattern started. She would come into my room, she would do what she did, leave, then he would come in.
“He was always so mad. He hit me with different things, but his favorite thing was The Bat. He punished me and left me to bleed. The problem was that I healed fast and he noticed. That only made him hit harder. He screamed at me, asking what the hell kind of devil whore I was. His wife asked him to stop, but he didn’t.”
The next part was the stuff that scared me the most. “Parker said I was her favorite, but she wanted us all to,” I paused. “Be closer. She tried to get him to, um…” I closed my eyes again.
“He didn’t, did he?” Jasper’s voice was something new and horrid.
I shook my head. “He hated me. He said I was a whore, disgusting, vile. But I heard Parker trying to talk him into it. She wanted him to have a baby with me, since she couldn’t make one with him. I’m just glad he didn’t try.”
I caught my breath again. “Then there was the very last time. Parker didn’t know her husband was getting back early. He found us in my bed. Our clothes were on the floor and I was laying there, unable to do anything but not scream. I tried to just be nothing, because that hurt the least.
