by Nicole Thorn
“Fine!” I shouted. “You win, you ruffian.” As much as I enjoyed the view of Jasper’s butt, there was something sad about just hanging off of a shoulder. My legs kicked, but Jasper had his arms around them.
“What was that? Can’t hear you?”
Time to start playing dirty. I was much stronger than the human, but that wasn’t how I wanted to win. I moved up and his hold on me changed. My hands were on his shoulders and I was pretty much sitting on his arm as he held me up. And that put my chest right in his face. He was doing a very good job at not looking, especially considering the cleavage I had. He had more control than I gave him credit for.
I smiled as I grew vines from the ground under us. He didn’t even notice as they wrapped around his legs. “Just know that I do feel bad about this.” Before he could do more than look confused, the vine yanked us down. We fell onto the grass laughing and tangled up in each other.
We sat up and I fixed the bottom of my dress while Jasper gathered himself. He pulled up my dress strap, setting it in place. “Thank gods you didn’t have Zeus as a parent. I wouldn’t have liked getting zapped by lightning.”
I dusted him off and we stood. “I would never do that to you.”
We moved when the clouds came in. We sat safely on the porch and it started sprinkling. It was cold as fuck, but I liked the rain too much to go inside. I snuggled up to Jasper like I did last time. He kept me warm enough.
“Am I keeping you from something?” I asked after we’d been out there a while.
“No, but I should probably call my father soon.”
My eyes narrowed. “You’re not giving him that money, are you? I will reward you greatly if you don’t. I don’t have much to offer, but I can work something out.”
He smiled. “I don’t really know what to do here.”
“Well, if it needs to get paid for, you shouldn’t do it. I’m the one who broke the fence and mailbox.” It would kill a part of me to give him money, but the Seers shouldn’t pay for it. “What exactly does he think I did?”
His eyes wouldn’t meet mine. “He made what might have been a joke… surely it wasn’t serious.”
“What was it?”
He was hesitant. “He asked if we…”
I caught on and I rolled my eyes. “In his yard? What reason would there be for that? And why would the fence have broken?” Do I really not understand how to do sex?
Jasper laughed it off when I didn’t freak out. “I don’t know. He doesn’t believe it, I’m sure.”
Moron. I should send the Furies his way. Surely child abuse could set them off. Meg seemed nice enough to look into it.
When the rain picked up, we went inside and finished the dishes. I didn’t get to cop a feel this time, but I would forever have the memories of the paint fight. Hmm. Much better than the dream I had the night before. Again, I was on top of him and it was great. I had blurry memories of the dream and if I focused, I could feel his hands holding my hips like his life depended on it.
“I have another layer of glaze to put on something I just finished,” Jasper said. “Do you want to come with me?”
I really wanted to, but I had to talk to Zander and I couldn’t tell Jasper about it. “Later, I promise.” I kissed his cheek and forced myself to leave him.
I went looking for Zander and couldn’t find him in his room. Since he was trying hard to keep Jasmine safe. She didn’t even seem to understand that she put herself in danger in the first place. I wasn’t sure she saw what she did as unhealthy and terrifying. But Zander did. He was good at protecting girls who couldn’t protect themselves.
I found him in Jasmine’s room. They were on her bed and his legs were thrown on her lap, trapping her as they polished off a box of Oreos. “Hey,” they both mumbled. They had been staring off at nothing, like animals with meat.
I responded in kind. “Zander, can I talk to you for a minute?”
He got up and kissed the side of Jasmine’s head. “I’ll be back soon, sweetheart. Then we’ll start our Hungry, Hungry Hippos battle.”
“And I’ll kick your ass,” she said with a cocky smile.
Zander and I went downstairs, but I didn’t trust the chances that we wouldn’t be heard. I grabbed an umbrella from the hall closet and we headed out the front door.
“That album is still in the car,” I said, handing the umbrella off to Zander. He held it over us and I unlocked the car, getting the photo album from the place I hid it. We got in the car and closed the door. “I can’t even describe to you how horrible this is.”
Zander stared at it. Even closed and not seeing what I did, he had hate in his eyes. Zander was all heart and when he loved, he loved with all of him. He loved our friends and seeing this would be a deep cut to his soul.
“What are we going to do about their father?” he asked. “They need to cut him off.”
“I agree, but we can’t force them to do anything. Jasper is only just coming around. The girls won’t be easy to convince. Not when they don’t see how fucked up this kind of stuff is.” I gestured to the book of horrors.
“They’re smart. They can figure it out. Jasper can talk to them.”
I sighed. “He can’t be pushed. Not now. He’s already dealing with too much.”
Zander stared out the window. “Maybe it would help him if you were there to support him.”
“I support him.”
“You know what I mean. A friend isn’t what he needs from you. And you don’t need that from him either. You’re not even friends now. You’re in love with each other.”
I shrunk into myself. “I love him enough to not tie him down to a basket case.”
He laughed through his nose. “We’re all basket cases, Kizzy. Jasper doesn’t see you as that. You’re not something he feels like he needs to cradle and protect from the whole world. He knows you’re stronger than you give yourself credit for. You’re not being fair to him by taking his choice away.”
“I’m not trying to do that. I just want him to be happy.”
“It’s not your right to make his choices for him. You make him happy, issues and all. He can help you hurt less.”
But it felt like the cost was too high. He would make me better, but I would drag him down. I was so happy that he wanted to heal. I didn’t know the first thing about healing.
I changed the subject and handed the album to Zander. “The girls don’t know I have this. We have to get rid of it.”
Zander did what I knew he would. He flipped it open and looked at each and every picture. I couldn’t help but see some of them. Smaller versions of my friends, being humiliated for mistakes that children make. Spilled food and things broken. Their eyes were what killed me. Like they didn’t quite understand. Because they didn’t. There was one of Jasper and he had to have been around five. His big eyes were on the camera and he was covered in cereal. All I wanted to do was run into the house and tell Jasper how much I loved him. I wanted to keep him safe from these tragedies long since passed.
“This needs to not exist anymore,” Zander said with nothing but ice in his voice. He slammed the book shut. It had been opened on a picture of Jasmine with spaghetti on her head. Her eyes were full of tears and they covered her baby face. “And I’m going to need you to talk me out of killing their father.”
“What if I don’t want to?”
Zander looked at me desperately. “It would hurt Jasmine. So I’m asking you to talk me out of it. Tell me all the reasons I can’t go over there right now and beat him to death.”
Jasmine. That was the name. Just hers. And it gave me what I needed to come up with the straws we’d grasp at.
“Jasmine loves her father and she doesn’t know any better. If you killed him, she may never want to see you again. What would her face look like when you told her you killed her only parent?”
Zander almost flinched. He looked like he was just slapped across the face. “You’re right,” he said with a struggle. “She wouldn’t want to see
me. And if he was dead, she may never see how horrible this is.” He looked at the book. “I don’t want this, but if she keeps seeing him do this stuff, then she might understand. Then we’ll have Jasper and Jasmine. Juniper won’t want to be alone in it, so it would wake her up too.”
“So we agree then” I asked. “One by one.”
He nodded. “Yeah. It’ll work. I can feel it.” He took my hand. “But this book needs to be dust.”
“I happen to know where to find a Zippo and a metal bucket.”
We broke up and agreed on a meeting place. I had the Zippo in my car, but the bucket was in the garage. That one would be tricky.
Or not.
I opened up the door and Jasper was working. He wasn’t facing me and his headphones were in. The bucket was behind him and I literally went up and grabbed it. He didn’t move. At all.
I stood there, almost tempting the fates. I stared at him. “Jasper?”
Nothing.
“Can you hear me?”
Nope.
Good. I can come clean about something and he wouldn’t know. “I totally had a sex dream about you…” I took off and as far as I knew, he was unaware that I was ever there.
I met Zander at that house that went up for sale. It was empty of all people, so we snuck into the backyard. Even if someone came by, Zander could just Charm them into forgetting we were here. It was too important for the Seers to not know this was happening. Zander wouldn’t want to Charm them.
The rain let up a little, but we still had to stand under the protected porch. I flicked the lighter and caught the corner of the book on fire. Zander dropped the thing in and it fell open.
It burned, but not quick enough. I saw a picture. It was Jasmine and Jasper together. They looked so young. The scene was miserable. There was a shattered lamp, a ball on the floor and a baseball bat against the wall. I couldn’t stop staring at it. I saw shame on faces that were too young to have to know what that feels like. But it was the bat that was making me freeze. It looked just like the one I knew too well. A little girl and a baseball bat…
I didn’t realize I wasn’t breathing until I started gasping for breath. Every bit of air that got in me was like it was being forced in. It wasn’t enough to keep me conscious for very much longer.
Too much. Always. I slipped away again and each time it felt so much harder to come out of it. Like I was falling further and further down a hole and I was just losing the ability to find my way home again.
Down, down, down the rabbit hole.
I was vaguely aware that Zander was talking to me. He was reaching out for me, but I couldn’t reach back. My head was flooded with memories that wouldn’t give me peace.
The Bat. I couldn’t stop thinking about it. Reliving that last day over and over and over. I felt it all again. Every crack in every bone it touched. I heard the blood rushing out of me again and the feeling that I was going to die. Wishing that I would. Wishing that it would finally end and I could stop hurting. Zander wouldn’t be burdened by me anymore. I would be free if only I could die.
But I didn’t want to die anymore.
I could barely see, but I was able to make out Zander across from me. His arms were out and the book was still burning. Zander was doing what he always did. He was trying to bring me back from an edge that I seemed to always be on. But he wasn’t what I needed right now. I knew what I needed.
I left in a hurry, still trying to breathe. I was out in the rain again as I went back home and right to what I needed. Zander would forgive me for this later.
Then everything consisted of flashes. I was cutting in and out of now and then. Seeing Mr. Rivers and The Bat and seeing the path I was walking. I couldn’t breathe in either reality.
I was soaked when I came into the studio. Jasper’s headphones weren’t in anymore. He was doing something and I was too fucked up to see it. He asked me what happened and I was on the floor before I could reach him. My knees bent inwards and the clay dust stuck to my wet skin.
Jasper got on his knees in front of me. He seemed to be checking me for damage. It was there, he just couldn’t see it.
My fingers locked in my hair and my eyes closed. I couldn’t make the pictures go away. I couldn’t make the pain stop. It was all that existed. The Bat and the dying girl.
“Kezia,” Jasper said for what sounded like the millionth time. “I’m right here. Can you hear me?”
I swallowed and my throat was dry. “I can’t do it anymore,” I cried. Too much. Everything was always too much. I was frightened by my own shadow. Other people’s pain triggered mine and I wanted it to stop.
Jasper pulled me to him, halfway holding me. “What can’t you do?”
“This. All of this.” My eyes remained closed. “I feel it. Every day, I feel it all. I see her and I see him. In every stray shadow and noise. I don’t want to be afraid anymore.”
I opened my eyes when Jasper took my hand. “They’re gone forever. You don’t have to be afraid.”
I shook my head. “I don’t, but I am.” I couldn’t get a word out with stability in my voice. “I want to be okay. I want to be a normal person who does normal things. I want it to stop hurting.”
I didn’t want to be this half person that I’d been since I was eleven. Broken into a million pieces that didn’t make up anything at all. I didn’t want to weigh people down anymore. Weigh myself down. I want freedom.
Jasper looked at me with perfect understanding. “Me too.”
I looked back at him like he had all the answers. “Do you believe we can? Do you really think we can be better?”
He held me tightly. “Yes. If we try, I think so.”
A tear fell onto my already wet face. “Do you promise?”
He nodded. “I promise.”
“Together?”
“Together.”
“I don’t know if I can do all the things I should be able to do.” Panic was returning, begging to throw me two steps back. “I don’t know if it’ll ever happen.”
Jasper gazed softly at me. “Whatever happens, we’ll figure it out together. It’ll all be fine, I promise.”
“I love you.”
He smiled at me. “I love you too.”
I put my arms around him and held on with everything in this shell.
I had to be different if I wanted to survive. This wasn’t a life I was living. Going through the motions was cruel to everyone in my life and I was sick of it. I was sick of being selfish and shutting down. We deserved more than I had been willing to give.
And this is the end.
25: Clean Break
Jasper
Kezia wanted to be with me. She had to tell Zander, but he was so happy that I decided to stay down in my studio until the wave passed. Apparently he thought I could make Kezia better. I couldn’t make her anything. She wanted to get better on her own, just like I did. While she could force me to take care of myself, I couldn’t force her to do anything.
And I wouldn’t. I’d be there to help when it was needed, but other than that… I couldn’t help her, because I refused to make her feel uncomfortable. After having seen her panic, it would hurt me as well as her. Not nearly as much as her, but still. We had to strike a delicate balance that included her feeling like I was getting something out of the relationship.
Kind of silly, in my opinion, for her to assume I got nothing out of it. Okay, so she might not be comfortable with sex things right now. That would eventually change, when she became more comfortable with me. If it never did, then whatever. I loved her and wanted to stay with her. At the very least, I got to be with her and that was enough for me.
And she liked kissing. She liked it just fine. We had to be careful how far we took it, but I’ve caught her staring at my mouth more often than I would have thought. Just staring right at it.
It made me feel good, even as I tried to figure out why, precisely, she was so interested in me. She looked almost inhumanly beautiful, where I looked normal. Almost b
land. Not that I wasn’t willing to use that to my advantage. The paint fight proved that.
Either way, the next two days were interesting. She insisted on staying in my studio with me during the day. I got her to mess around with some clay and she made a sad clown face that was now waiting to be painted. She was really embarrassed by the space I cleared on the wall, saying that I would hang it in her honor. It was a good clown face. She even put very small, almost imperceptible tears on him. She just refused to believe it.
Last night, we had gone our separate ways. Her into her bedroom and me into mine, because I admitted that I was tired. She insisted that I get some sleep. If she hadn’t insisted, I’d like to think that I would’ve slept anyway, but I knew that wasn’t true. I have a history of going until I drop.
My sisters have found me passed out on the floor, because I fell asleep in my studio and the stool had no way of keeping me sitting, so I hit the ground. So tired that I didn’t even wake up upon impact. For some reason, the idea of Kezia seeing me like that bothered me. A lot. So she told me to go to bed and I did.
Currently, I was waiting for her to get back up. My body wasn’t used to sleeping for very long, so after about five hours’ sleep, I woke up and no tossing and turning could get me to sleep again. I went down to my studio and started setting up for the day. The clown face was sitting on the extra table I had brought out and set up for Kezia. I had all the colors that she might want to use on it set out as well. I had labeled them, since they wouldn’t look as good and bright until after they came out of the kiln and I didn’t want her getting confused.
I also grabbed another slab of clay, in case she decided to start working on something else. Yesterday, Jasmine had gone shopping with Zander—because he still wasn’t ready to let her leave on her own—and brought back nearly two dozen empty pots for around the house and two more large ones for the backyard. As long as Juniper got to decide where they went, she’d be fine with Kezia doing whatever with them.
Already, the three or four that were down here were overflowing with bright flowers that made my studio look less bleak. I hadn’t realized it looked that way before, but now it was pretty hard to deny, with the bright splashes of color. Often, Kezia and I would open the garage door, so that she could enjoy the rain and that also made it less bleak.
