She nodded.
"It would start with me thinking of myself as being five or six and wondering who was this looking at me in the mirror? Then I would just fall back through time. The whole experience leaves you with this heavy sadness, like a water-soaked blanket being tossed on your shoulders:'
They all stared, no one speaking.
"I don't do a good job of explaining it," I added. "Yes, you do," Jade said quickly.
I smiled at her and nodded.
"Anyway, when I looked at Steve one time like this, he turned slowly and looked at me for a moment. It was like we had said hello in a very private way and recognized we were from the same planet, Planet Pain." Misty looked mesmerized, but her lips stretched slowly into a tiny smile.
"I live there too," she whispered.
I nodded at her, encouraged by how many similar notes we all heard.
"Something happened at that special moment I looked at Steve," I continued. "It was like he had opened his eyes or become conscious and finally noticed me. As it turned out, he wasn't weird so much as he was just very shy. It took another two days before he would utter a word in my direction. I was walking home after school, on my way to stop at Rodney's school and pick him up, when Steve came up behind me and passed me, but paused for a split second to say, 'Hi.' He kept walking, faster in fact, before I could respond. In seconds, he was gone around the corner, but it was enough to give my heart a tiny nudge and make me think about him all that night.
"The next day I became bold and when I saw him in the hallway just before social studies, I stepped up beside him and asked him if he had done the homework. We were supposed to describe four causes for World War One.
"He gave me those 'laser eyes' for a second as if he distrusted my intentions. Those remarkable eyes practically drank me in and swallowed me down before he relaxed.
"'I only came up with three,' he replied.
"'I only got down three causes, too,' I said.
"I told him mine and he told me his and between us we came up with five to use. When I got to my desk, I quickly scribbled it all down, looking over at him every few seconds to see him doing the same. He gave me a smile and I felt as if he had kissed me."
"Just a smile did that to you?" Cat asked. She had been so quiet and unmoving, I forgot about her for a while. As usual, she glanced from right to left in a small panic because her words had come out so fast.
"He had a really nice smile. His whole face would change, warm up and look more than just friendly. His eyes were laughing, full of sparkling light. He was . . ."
"Sexy?" Misty offered.
"No, not just that. It was full of understanding. That's it. I felt we spoke and thought alike. Granny has this expression 'birds of a feather.' She often looks at people in the street and says, 'Them two are birds of a feather.' People make fun of older people who have all these funny sayings and such, but some of them were dipped in a well of wisdom and make lots of sense. At least to me," I added.
"So?" Jade asked impatiently. "What happened after this great smile?"
"You can make fun all you want," I said, "but sometimes people say more with one look than they do with a thousand words."
"I'm not making fun. I just want to know what happened next," she insisted. She blew air through her lips and shook her head at me.
I glanced at Doctor Marlowe, who just wore that infuriating look of patience, waiting for one of us to throw a tantrum.
"After class Steve and I finally got into a conversation," I said, my voice taut and strained until I began remembering. "It continued into lunch and I sat with him and Matthew, who looked upset about it the whole time, practically eating nothing."
"He was jealous of the time you were taking with his only friend, huh?" Misty asked.
"I guess. I tried to be nice to him, but he looked angry no matter what. It took another few days of conversation before I found out that Steve's mother had been killed in a car accident about five years ago and he lived with his father and had no brothers or sisters, but I could tell from the way he spoke about his father that things were bad.
"Later, I would learn that it was his father who was driving the car and he was drunk. He was cited for DWI and actually charged with vehicular manslaughter, but he got probation, probably because of Steve losing his mother.
"We began to talk every chance we got at school. Sometimes, we-ate lunch outside and really felt we had privacy because the other kids weren't staring at us and whispering. Eventually, I felt comfortable enough to tell him about my life, what had happened with my daddy and momma and such. He was less open about his life. If I asked him a question, he would look away, maybe eat some of his food, and then finally give me a short answer. I could tell pretty fast what he would talk about and what he wouldn't."
"What about Matthew all this time?" Cat asked.
"He followed us around sometimes and after a while, he was nicer to me.
"And then Steve asked me on a date. I guess it wasn't a date exactly, but it was the first time I had a boy ask to come by and get me to go someplace with him"
"He had his own car?" Jade asked skeptically.
"No. We were taking the Big Blue Bus' I said. "The poor people's limousine," I added dryly. She pursed those pretty lips and gazed at the ceiling.
"Where did you go?" Misty asked.
"To the Santa Monica pier. I asked Granny if I could go and then Rodney got all excited about it and I had to take him, too, but that was another thing I liked about Steve. He didn't mind Rodney being along. In fact, he felt better because he was coming along, I think. I think he was real nervous about being alone with me and jumped at the chance to be like a big brother more than a boyfriend.
"Of course, Rodney ate it up. I laughed to myself at the way he immediately looked up to Steve, hanging on his every word as if Steve was one of his television heroes or something. Then I thought to myself, Rodney never had a real father long enough to appreciate him and of course, he had no older brother, and Aaron was nothing to him I was okay as his sister, but it wasn't the same thing for a little boy. No wonder he was so excited about the attention Steve gave him.
"They got this fun park on the pier. You all probably know about it."
They all nodded.
"Taking Rodney on the rides was fun for both of us. Steve insisted on paying for everything no matter how much I protested. He told me there was some money put aside in a trust for him from his mother's life insurance so he would have something with which to start when he got out of high school, and for now his father gave him a generous allowance because he was responsible for buying things they needed, food and such.
"We talked about what we'd do after we graduated. I still had no idea, but he thought he might enlist in the army. Because of his trust he was secure about his future, knowing he had something he could depend upon.
"'My father can't get his hands on it, either,' he pointed out. 'My mother was smart enough to know my father wasn't going to provide all that well for us and she believed she'd be working her whole life too, just to make ends meet,' he said. 'She made sure I'd be all right.'
"His eyes always filled with tears when he talked about his momma, but he knew it was happening and snapped those lids like two rubber bands and brought that famous hard, cold look back into them.
"At the pier, he really seemed to be enjoying Rodney, laughing at the way Rodney's face filled with pure ecstasy at the prospect of going from one ride to the other, getting a hot dog and a cotton candy, playing machines in the arcade, trying to win cheap prizes that you'd be better off just going out and buying.
"I guess after a while I was jealous."
"Jealous?" Misty asked, jumping on what I had said. "Why should you be jealous of hot dogs, cotton candy and pinball machines?"
"It wasn't that. Steve seemed more excited about having fun with Rodney than being with me." I looked at Doctor Marlowe. She and I had discussed this and worked it out, I thought.
"Maybe he w
as just socially immature," Jade interjected. "You said he was shy."
"It wasn't that, either," I replied quickly. "He never got to be a little boy like Rodney was and have fun like this. He was having a, what did you call it again?" I asked Doctor Marlowe. "Vicarry. . .vi . . ."
"A vicarious experience," Doctor Marlowe said. "Yeah, that. He was doing stuff through Rodney, being the little boy he wished he was."
"It amazes me how everyone's a psychoanalyst nowadays," Jade said smugly.
"Oh, and I suppose you don't do that?" Misty attacked. "You don't analyze everything?"
"He was probably just shy," Jade insisted. "Oh, what difference does it make what he was?"
"No difference to you, but a lot to her," Misty offered. Jade glanced at me and realized that might be so. Her expression changed.
"He ignored you the whole time?" she asked in a softer voice. "Some first date that turned out to be, I suppose. Boys can be so aggravating:'
"I didn't say he ignored me. He was into doing things with Rodney more, that's all. I admit I was jealous and wished he paid more attention to me, but I saw how much fun Rodney was having and he hadn't had much fun in his life till then, so I wasn't about to complain.
"Afterward, Rodney sat on the beach and played in the sand while Steve and I took off our shoes and let the water run over our feet.
"'Thanks for what you done for my brother today,' I told him.
"He nodded and looked out over the ocean and said he'd never been to the pier before. I was surprised to hear that.
"'Me and my father never really went anywhere together, anywhere that was fun for me, that is. I've been to his friends' houses with him and such, but he never took me anywhere that was fun for me.'
"He said he could barely remember the places he went with his momma.
"Then he looked back at Rodney and said, 'I know what it's like for him growing up with a drunk for a parent.'
"'Your daddy still drinks a lot?' I asked. I knew how hard it was to answer that question when someone put it to you, but I thought how could his father still drink after what had happened. Steve laughed.
"'Still drinks a lot? You remember when you told me how as a little girl you thought the smell of whiskey on your momma was just her perfume?'
" 'Yes; I said.
"'Well, I grew up thinking whiskey came out of the kitchen faucet. I still wonder if it does,' he said. 'What difference does- it make?' he added quickly. 'He'll die soon and put himself out of his misery.'
"'You hate him?' I asked
Of course, when he had told me about his mother and the accident, I just imagined he would blame his father forever.
But when he looked at me, those eyes were a mixture of hard, cold anger and some sorrow, too.
" don't care about him enough to hate him,' he said. " don't even think about him much if I can help it.' "'But you live in the same house with him,' I said.
'You see each other every day, don't you?'
"'We're more like two people renting some rooms together. I'm usually out of there before he gets up to go to work and I have my supper before he gets home most of the time.'
"'You cook for yourself?'
"'Yeah. The cook quit,' he said. He was quiet for a moment and then he added, 'He eats my food, too, when he wants to eat at home.'
" 'I'm impressed,' I said.
"He laughed. He had a nice laugh when he allowed it. It was like it was shut up in his heart and he opened the door just a little and let happiness breathe. Sadness can be more like a disease. It makes you sick anyway:'
Without doubt the three of them understood that, I thought.
"Anyway, he turned to me and said, 'Why don't you come over for dinner tomorrow night? I make a great frozen pot pie.'
"'Frozen? Some cook. I'm a cook, too,' I said. 'Not as good as Granny, but a lot better than my momma. I'll prepare the salad and Granny will let me bake an apple pie to bring.'
"His eyes looked like Rodney's when Rodney set them on the fun park.
" 'Really? You'll make an apple pie and come?'
" don't say I'm gonna do something if I don't mean to do it,' I told him with my eyes fixed as hard and firm as his could be.
"'Okay,' he said, smiling, 'Okay. It's a date,' he said.
"I laughed, but I was more than just happy about it. I was excited. Funny, how little things like that can give you so much hope," I muttered and reached for my water.
No one spoke. They all watched me drink.
"Granny got a saying for hope," I told them. "She says hope is what you cast out like a fish line and hook, hoping to pull in some happiness, but if you cast it too far or too often, the line snaps and you watch it all float away:'
"What's all that supposed to mean?" Misty asked, scrunching up her nose.
"It means if you spend all your time dreaming and hoping, you'll be disappointed. You've got to work hard at being happy and not expect it'll just come floating along and bite your hook," I said.
Doctor Marlowe smiled.
"Maybe we should be sitting around with her grandmother," Jade offered dryly.
"It hasn't hurt Star," Doctor Marlowe said.
Jade pulled in the corner of her mouth. She looked like her eyes were tearing up.
Suddenly, I realized something about her. She has nobody, I thought. That's it. That's what makes her so mean and nasty sometimes.
Maybe she'smot so rich after all.
7
"At first, Granny wasn't going to let me go to Steve's house for dinner.
"'What do you mean you and this boy are going
to make dinner for yourselves and you want to make a
pie? Where's his momma? Why doesn't she cook?' she
wanted to know.
"I explained what had happened to Steve's
mother without telling her about his father and his
drinking. I knew that would spook her, but she started
to ask more and more questions about his father until I
had to admit that I didn't know very much about him. "'You are going over to that man's house to eat
his supper and you don't know anything about him?
What if he doesn't want you there? I don't like this,'
she said shaking her head.
"'Granny, if there's any problem, I swear I'll just
leave and come right back,' I promised.
"'Why don't you bring this boy around here
first?' she suggested. T11 cook him a meal.'
"'He's too shy, Granny. He won't come.' "'He's too shy to come here, but not too shy to invite you there?' she asked, her eyes narrowing with
worry and suspicion.
"'He's living on his own, Granny. His daddy's
not there much.'
"'I don't like the sound of that, Star,' she said
shaking her head.
"'I won't get into trouble, Granny,' I told her.
'You don't think I'm a good girl? You don't think you
can trust me?'
"''Course I do,' she said, 'but sometimes things
happen anyway.'
"'I like him, Granny. He's a nice boy. He was
good to Rodney and you know from what you heard
Rodney say that Rodney likes him, too.'
"'You want to take Rodney with you?' she
asked. I couldn't tell if that would make her happier or
more reluctant.
"'No, Granny. I want to have some time to
myself. Thanks to Momma, I never really did,' I said.
'I'm nearly sixteen,' I told her, 'and I haven't even been
out on a real date.'
"I hated to sound like I was whining, but that
was what I was doing. Granny gave it more thought
and I guess she concluded I did deserve some
freedom. We hadn't heard from Momma in a long time and there was little hope she would come back soon for me and Rodney. Together, Granny and I had
&n
bsp; a lot of responsibility now.
"'Well, you call me if you have to leave and you
be extra careful, Star. I don't have the strength to deal
with some new big problem.'
"'I know that better than you do, Granny. I keep
telling you that you're doing too much, don't I? I tell
you to leave the wash for me, but you do it all before I
get home from school, and you hardly ever let me do
any of the cooking, not to mention cleaning this
place,' I reminded her.
"She looked at me and laughed.
"'That's true enough,' she said. 'Okay. I'll help
you make the pie,' she concluded and we set to doing
it.
"Rodney was upset that he wasn't going along,
but I promised him we would do something fun with
him on the weekend and he settled for it.
"I don't think I was ever more excited about
anything than I was about going to Steve Gilmore's
house for dinner. I imagine it doesn't sound like much
to you girls to go have frozen pot pies with a boy, but
to me it was my Sweet Sixteen, a school prom, and a
big fancy date all wrapped into one night."
"I would have thought it would be fun," Misty
admitted with those big innocent eyes.
Jade looked away rather than comment and Cat
looked like she agreed with Misty.
"So, after I brought Rodney home from school
the next day, I packed up the salad and the pie and
headed for the bus stop. I had to walk three blocks to
Steve's neighborhood after I got off the bus and it
wasn't the nicest section of the city. Some of the
houses looked downright deserted. The streets were
dirty and there were broken-down cars that looked
like they had been left there for months.
"His house was small with just a patch of grass
in the front. Some of the grass looked yellow and
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