“Perhaps it is that you no longer wish yourself to be so lacking,” Lord Rowley murmured as Elias turned away towards the window, tired of his friend being able to place his finger on precisely what was now troubling Elias. “Do you wish to be better so that Lady Anna might consider you?”
Elias closed his eyes and threw back the rest of his brandy. He was tired of talking, tired of the supposed consideration of his motivations and the innermost workings of his heart.
“Shall we make our way into town or are we to talk all afternoon?” he said brusquely, looking over his shoulder at Lord Rowley. “Hyde Park, mayhap? Or a walk through the busy streets of London?”
Lord Rowley grinned, irritating Elias all the more as he waited for his friend to respond.
“Very well, very well.” Lord Rowley held up both hands, his palms out towards Elias. “I shall not continue in such a way any longer although, I shall say that I am very glad indeed to hear of what you have been considering, Comerfield. I think a change of heart is a very good thing indeed.”
“I am sure you do,” Elias replied dryly. “But that does not answer my question as to whether or not you wish to make your way into town this afternoon as we had planned?”
Lord Rowley chuckled, perhaps believing that Elias’ eagerness to make his way into town came from nothing more than a desire to bring this particular conversation to a very conclusive end. “Yes, indeed,” he said, after a moment. “Hyde Park would suit me very well, so long as we have time before the fashionable hour begins.” His smile faded and his lip curled just a little. “I have no delight in making a state of myself upon Rotten Row.”
“I hardly think you would do so,” Elias replied as they both made their way towards the door. “Although I will agree with you that many a dandy has found themselves parading like a peacock upon that street!”
“Something neither of us are inclined to do, I am relieved to say,” Lord Rowley replied darkly. “Thankfully, the young Miss Pettigrew has no inclination towards such a thing either.”
Elias laughed. “Then Miss Pettigrew is still the object of your considerations at present?”
“She is,” Lord Rowley replied quickly, surprising Elias with his fervor. “I have a great deal to consider when it comes to Miss Pettigrew, but I find myself quite taken with her thus far.”
“I am well aware of that,” Elias replied with a lop-sided grin as they both stepped out into the afternoon sunshine, ready to climb into the waiting carriage. “She does appear to be quite eager to consider you also.” He was astonished to note the slight flush of color that came into Lord Rowley’s face as they sat opposite each other in the carriage. Surely the man did not have any particular feelings for Miss Pettigrew. He had always thought that Lord Rowley would marry a lady that he considered to be well suited, rather than because of any emotions that might swirl between them!
“I am glad you think so, Comerfield,” Lord Rowley answered, rapping on the roof. “I should not like to consider a young lady unless there was something within my heart for her. To find her suitable in both status and wealth is one thing, but to make certain that she is amiable, interesting and, to a certain extent, intriguing, is quite another.” He smiled to himself and looked out of the window. “My wife, whomever she may turn out to be, will have captured my interest as well as my heart, for I do not think that a successful marriage can truly take place without such a thing.”
Elias did not know what to say to such a statement, finding himself a little overwhelmed by the words that had come from Lord Rowley. Whilst he had known that his friend was pursuing marriage, he had never once believed that Lord Rowley would look for anything other than suitability from a young lady, but now, it seemed, he was quite wrong.
Unbidden, his thoughts returned to Lady Anna and, despite his desire to remove her from his mind, found that he could not. Lady Anna was practically perfect for any gentleman to wed, given that she was of high title and would have an excellent dowry and inheritance—and yet he had found himself shrinking from the idea of matrimony despite such accolades. And yet now, the more he came to know her, the more time they spent conversing—albeit the fact that they spoke of the improvements in her situation and the like—the less the prospect terrified him. Instead, it slowly improved itself upon him, telling him repeatedly that such a thing would be, in itself, a wonderful situation should it ever be required of him to accept it.
Elias frowned hard and lifted one hand to rub it lightly over his eyes. He need not think like that any longer. The situation with Lady Anna was improving, society was slowly beginning to pull her back towards their bosom, and, thus, his requirement for marriage was no longer as severe as it had once been. In a few days, he would have to go to the duke once more and speak to him about what had taken place, about the improvements that had been made, in the hope that the gentleman would permit him free of any such requirement to wed Lady Anna. That thought, that prospect ought to be of gladness to him, ought to fill him with relief and contentment, should make him breathe a sigh of great relief that such a thing would no longer be required of him. So why, then, did it plague his mind so?
* * *
“To be seen walking with me might not be wise, Lady Anna.”
The lady turned her gaze to him and held it steadily. “I have been seen in your company often enough, Lord Comerfield,” she answered, her green eyes catching the afternoon sunshine, vivid in their color. “We have attended many of the same occasions of late, have we not?” A small smile caught one side of her mouth. “We have stated that we shall not avoid each other for fear of spreading rumors further and, whilst I confess I believed Lady Hayward’s suggestion to be a rather odd one, it appears that she has been right in her judgments.”
Elias smiled and glanced at Lady Hayward, who was in conversation with Lord Rowley. “It did seem very peculiar that she insisted we continue on in a quiet acquaintance, Lady Anna,” he agreed, “particularly when I am sure you had no wish to do so. But it does seem that she has been proven correct in her wisdom.”
“That is precisely what I think,” Lady Anna agreed firmly. “Lady Hayward has been more than wise, Lord Comerfield, and if she is happy for us all to walk together for a short time, then I will be glad to do so.”
Glad? The word rang around his mind as he glanced at Lady Hayward, who immediately fell into step with Lord Rowley, leaving him to walk with Lady Anna. Could she truly be glad of my company?
He could not believe her to be so, not after what he had done. There was still a great deal of reconciliation to take place between them, still some restoration to occur between Lady Anna and the beau monde, but, thus far, all seemed to be improving.
“Your sister does not join you this afternoon?” he asked as they fell into step together. “She is not unwell, I hope?”
Lady Anna glanced at him. “She has a headache,” she replied with a small lift of one shoulder. “I do hope that it will not increase in strength for I do know that she was eager to attend the ball this evening.” Her lips turned downwards and she looked away, leaving Elias to surmise as to what might now be troubling the lady.
“I am sure that the ball will go very well indeed, Lady Anna,” he said firmly. “The Earl and Countess of Wessex are always careful about their guest list for whatever events they choose to host. I am certain they would not have invited you without believing you to be quite innocent.”
Lady Anna let out her breath slowly, her eyes darting towards his for a moment, only for her to then look away again. “It is the first social occasion I shall attend without the knowledge that it has been arranged carefully for my particular benefit,” she said, a heaviness in her voice that he wanted to help lift from her. “It has almost been a fortnight since I have done such a thing, and I cannot help but fear it.” Again, her eyes lifted to his. “Are you to be in attendance, also?”
He nodded. “I am,” he said with a small, rueful smile. “The Earl of Wessex and I have known each other since we were boys,
although I fear that his character is much better than mine! Our friendship, I am sure, is the only reason that I am invited to join them this evening, for as I have said, they do not usually invite rascals such as myself!”
This, much to his surprise, made Lady Anna laugh, and, when she did so, her face lit up completely. There was a fresh brightness in her eyes, a faint dusting of pink in her cheeks, and a happiness in her expression that made his heart lift with delight.
“Then I shall not need to fear that there will be others such as you present, Lord Comerfield,” she said, lightly. “Although I do not believe that you intend to continue behaving as a ‘rascal’ might any longer?” One eyebrow lifted as she glanced at him, a few brown curls dancing at her temples as the breeze caught them for a moment. Elias swallowed hard, finding his heart quickening in his chest at the look in her eye, a heat rushing through him that he could not quite explain.
“N-no,” he stammered, suddenly feeling a trifle awkward without any real understanding as to why. “I have made a firm decision to no longer behave in such a manner, Lady Anna. I do hope that you are aware that such a decision has only come about because of you.”
Her laugh, this time, was a little dry. “I believe what you mean to say, Lord Comerfield, is that it has come about because of the consequences that have followed for you as well as for myself, given what you chose to do.”
“No, Lady Anna!”
The words flung from his mouth with such a firm exclamation that Lady Anna stopped dead, turning to look at him with her eyes open wide, astonishment blazing within her expression.
“Initially, yes,” Elias told her, finding a desperate urge deep within him to tell her the truth of what he felt, to speak of the battle that now raged within his heart. “Yes, I confess that I was considering only my own self, that I thought only of the consequences that might follow should I have no other choice but to restore you to society in the traditional manner. In fighting to find another way, I fought solely for myself. But then I began to realize the true depths of the pain and the hurt that I had caused you. I saw the trials that you endured, the struggles that were forced upon you because of my selfishness. And then, Lady Anna, you spoke to me in such a way that realizations poured themselves into knives of steel and drove themselves into my heart with such force that I was quite overwhelmed.”
Lady Anna dropped her head, turned, and began to walk once more, leaving Elias to hurry after her. He did not know what she made of such explanations but he continued to speak regardless, wanting to empty himself of the burden that had come upon him so suddenly, the burden to assure her that he was no longer that sort of gentleman.
“I have been unable to remove those knives from my heart ever since, Lady Anna,” he continued, his tone now a good deal quieter, although his words still held a force. “In fact, I have discovered that I do not wish them gone. I wish them to linger so that I might be able to continue on through this life with a changed heart and an altered perspective. So whilst it may be correct for you to state that, at the first, my only consideration was for the consequences that might fall upon my own head, I can assure you that, for some time now, I have thought only of you.”
Lady Anna kept her head low, her steps even but her hands clasped lightly in front of her as she walked. Elias felt heat sear his heart, rushing up through him into his neck as they continued to walk alongside each other, saying nothing further for some minutes. Perhaps he had been foolish to speak so openly. Mayhap he ought not to have done so, for mayhap Lady Anna did not want to hear such things from him. Ought he now to apologize for being so open? For speaking things he ought to have kept within himself?
“Lady Anna,” he began, a little abruptly, “forgive me, I should not have—”
Her hand touched his arm, and Elias stopped at once, turning to look at her sharply. There was a small, gentle smile on her face as she kept her hand on his arm, silencing him all the more.
“No, Lord Comerfield, do not apologize,” she said softly, the touch of her fingers on his sleeve seeming to burn through the fabric and onto his skin. “You spoke well. It is only, I confess, that I find myself a little overwhelmed with all that you have said. I never once expected to hear such things from you, and to know that they are truly within your heart is something that has quite astonished me.”
Without intending to, Elias found his hand settling over hers as though a gentle touch might convey his meaning all the more. “Each of my words and sentiments are true, Lady Anna,” he said fervently as though he were a little afraid she would dismiss all that he had said without giving it any further thought. “I have no words of falsehood that are spoken only to please you.”
She smiled at him, her expression devoid of any fear, any reluctance or disbelief. “And I trust every word, Lord Comerfield,” she told him, as he gently lifted his hand, finding his heart swirling with a sense of relief. “I may not have done so some days ago, but thus far, you have proven yourself, and I cannot deny that.” Her happiness was evident in her expression, and Elias found himself smiling back at her, his own contentment slowly being realized. “It may be that I shall never be as I once was within society, but I have enough acquaintances to hope that, perhaps next Season, I will be able to find a suitable match.”
He frowned. “Next Season?”
Her smile faltered. “I do not think that such a thing is possible to accomplish this Season, Lord Comerfield,” she answered honestly as Elias felt another stab of guilt slam through his heart. “But Lady Hayward believes that, by next Season, such a thing will have been mostly forgotten by the ton and that, therefore, I have a better chance of making a good match.” She lifted one shoulder. “My father does not mind waiting another year, it seems, although I am sure he will say so himself when you next speak to him.”
Elias swallowed hard as though the thought of Lady Anna being engaged to be wed was a troubling thought. It was not so, of course, for that was the aim of every young lady who came to London for the Season and, given that some gentlemen were also inclined towards such a thing, it was more than understandable that Lady Anna should seek matrimony. Why then did he feel as though someone had punched him, hard, in the stomach?
“Are you quite all right, Lord Comerfield?”
Lady Hayward’s voice was bright and held a pinch of mirth as though she had seen something in his expression that was humorous. “You appear to be rather dumbfounded.”
Gathering himself quickly—for he certainly did not want to explain anything to Lady Hayward about his innermost thoughts—Elias gave her a warm smile. “Indeed, I am quite well, Lady Hayward,” he said as the lady and Lord Rowley came to join himself and Lady Anna. “It is only that, once more, I am reminded of my culpability when it comes to Lady Anna’s difficulties.”
Much to his surprise, a look of sympathy crossed her features. “But you have worked so very hard this last fortnight,” she said kindly. “And Lady Anna has seen the fruit of it.”
“But it might not have come about save for my foolishness,” he said with a half-bow. “Would that I could undo such a thing.”
“You are doing what you can to return Lady Anna to the position she held before,” Lady Hayward replied, still speaking with such kindness that Elias wanted to hang his head, knowing all too well that he did not deserve it. “You have not hidden your acquaintance with Lady Anna and, therefore, have shown the ton that there is nothing other than that between you. With the soirees, the dinner parties, and the evening assemblies that have been organized specifically for Lady Anna’s reintroduction to society—”
“And as well as your diligence in speaking to those who question things and making quite certain that they know the truth of your foolish actions,” Lady Anna interrupted, gaining a quick look from Lady Hayward.
“All of these things have done a good deal to assist Lady Anna back into her place in society,” Lady Hayward finished with a small smile that spoke of acceptance and, mayhap, even a little understanding. “I
know that it was nothing more than foolishness on your part, Lord Comerfield. You did not mean to do as you did.”
Lady Anna moved just a little closer to him and, his attention fixed to her in an instant, Elias turned his head to look into her eyes. She wore a grave expression, her gaze melding to his, her lips flat but without any anger evidenced within her.
“It was a mistake,” she said. “A foolish mistake, certainly, but it was not done in bitterness or spite. I believe that, Lord Comerfield, truly. And,” her lips pulled upwards, a small gleam coming into her eyes. “And if it is that such a thing has changed your character for the better, then that must also be a good thing.”
Elias put one hand to his heart and bowed low, rather overwhelmed by the generosity that had been shown to him by both Lady Hayward and Lady Anna. “You are both much too kind,” he said quietly, meaning every word. “I do not deserve any generosity, nor understanding, and yet you are willing to give both to me.”
Lady Anna smiled as he rose, and he could not take his eyes from her. His concern for her had grown substantially over these last few days, and now, he was beginning to wonder if such concern would overflow into something more.
“We must return to the carriage,” Lady Hayward said, breaking the quiet that had come between them for a few moments. “Our preparations for this evening will have to begin soon.”
“I look forward to seeing you again tonight, Lady Anna,” Elias found himself saying, garnering a look of astonishment from Lord Rowley. “I am sure that all will go very well indeed.” He tilted his head to one side. “And if it does not, then I can assure you that I will do all I can to make it so for you.”
A Selfish Heart: A Regency Romance: Landon House (Book 2) Page 11
