“And the mystery of consciousness. That has balked philosophers from the outset. How did it first arise, and why? Because without it we are all mere blobs of protein.”
He did want to know, now that she had tweaked his mind. “Um.”
“These and endless other mysteries will be yours to fathom. You will know everything you care to know, from the nature of the universe down to the color of a lady’s panty.” She flounced her skirt, almost showing the fringe of a panty. “Nothing will be to large or too small for your attention.”
That was phenomenally tempting. Then he thought of something. “Merge. What of her?”
“Follow her future shadow.”
He did. There was Merge, with Myst, both disconsolately going about their business of searching out remnants of anti-pun virus to neutralize. He zoomed in close to look at their faces and their eyes. Both sets of eyes were bright with tears.
He knew why: they had loved him and lost him to the bad girlfriend. To the Orb. To Passion. To Power. To Knowledge. They were protected by his beneficence so that no personal harm came to them, but they were not happy. They had wanted to be with him, as wife and child.
That wiped out all else. “I’m going back to them,” he said.
“You will have to give up all of what I have shown you.”
“Yes.”
She shook her head. “Amazing.”
Then the scene reanimated. He was no longer looking at shadows. “We are decommissioning the Orb,” he announced.
“Oh, Hapless!” Merge exclaimed, and Myst clapped her little hands.
“How do I do it?” he asked Isis.
She frowned but answered. “Simply hold up the Orb and say the words ‘Orb be Free.’ Then have the others do the same with each of the Totems.”
Hapless hesitated. The lure of the Orb tore at him, incalculably precious. It could all so readily be his! Could he really give it up?
Then he looked at Merge and Myst, and his reluctance dissipated like an ice cube in a furnace. “Orb be Free.”
The Orb dissolved into smoke. That reformed into the Goddess Isis. “Now at last it is clear why a klutz like you was selected for this mission,” she said. “You are virtually incorruptible. You value the feelings of a woman and child more than you do absolute power. Only one man in a million would do what you have just done, and there aren’t that many men in Xanth.”
“Sorry about that,” he said, and he was. She might be the Bad Girlfriend, but she was not a bad goddess. He could have been happy with her. But there was no point in dwelling on that. The decommissioning was not yet complete. “Companions, it is your turn. Hold up your Totems and say the same words I did, to them.”
The others did. One by one their Totems reverted to their guardians, who hastily fled the scene. They were left with almost nothing.
Only the gorgon Carmen lingered for a moment, as beautiful as ever despite her kerchief and glasses. Beside her was Prince Voila, who would join her in her Region, at least for an extended visit. “I think you must be lonely, Isis,” she said. “So am I, though the prince may help. Visit us in the water realm if you like. I’m willing to share.” She glanced at Voila, who seemed nothing loath.
“I can’t leave the comic strip,” the goddess said. “But if you care to visit me here, you will be welcome.”
“It’s a date.” Carmen hugged her and vanished with Voila.
It occurred to Hapless that if any two supernatural women understood each other, these were the ones.
But he had other business. “We’ll be moving on now,” Hapless said. “Fare well, Isis.”
“Fare well, Hapless,” she replied, and now the tears were in her eyes. “For what it’s worth, you have won my respect.” Then she faded out of the scene.
“Let’s get out of here,” Hapless said.
They went into snapshot mode, and soon picked their way out of the frozen comic strip. They emerged roughly where they had entered it.
There were two dogs. “Rachel! Woofer!” Myst cried, running to hug them both.
“To what do we owe the honor of this visit?” Feline inquired.
“The princesses are organizing an informal musical ensemble, but they are missing a few things,” Rachel said. “I told them I know of someone who could help.”
“Princesses?”
“Melody, Harmony, Rhythm. The triplets.”
Feline visibly digested this. “What are they missing?”
“Instruments, ability, a conductor.”
Feline laughed. “They’re joking!”
“No, they really want to do it. They want to travel around Xanth and give concerts for grateful audiences.”
“This seems like a big ambition, considering what they lack,” Zed said.
“They hope to recruit some competent musicians, and learn the ropes.”
“But if they lack talent, this is nonsensical,” Faro said.
“They’re princesses,” Rachel reminded them.
She had a point. The terms princess and common sense hardly fit in the same sentence, but what royal folk wanted generally came to pass.
All eyes came to focus on Hapless. What could he do? “I guess we can give it a try.”
“This way,” Rachel said.
They followed her to a copse where stood a young man. “Back so soon, Rachel?” he asked.
“They’ll help,” the dog reported.
“Yes they will, Bryce,” Merge said. Evidently they were acquainted.
Hapless stepped forward. “I’m, uh, Hapless. I’m a, uh, conductor.” They shook hands.
“I’m Bryce Mundane. Rachel and I came to Xanth together four years ago. I’m older than I look; I was youthened. It’s a long dull story. We do need a conductor. We have Xanth’s two finest musicians, but they aren’t used to playing in concert. And the princesses have never joined a group. Now suddenly they have this idea, and sort of have to be humored.”
“Uh—” All he could think of was how he could have abolished “uh” forever if he had accepted the Orb. He just wasn’t a very sharp conversationalist.
“I see you carry the box,” Bryce said.
“The box?”
“That’s the one that enabled our passage to Xanth. It has what you need, whatever it may be, even if you don’t know it. All you need to do is open it.”
Hapless considered the box. It should be useless, now that the Quest was done. He shrugged, and opened it.
There was a small cylinder. No picture. He took it out. It lengthened into a wand. A conductor’s wand. His musical instrument. Apparently this was meant to be.
Then the box disappeared. It seemed that he was truly through with it. He hoped that he would continue to be able to think outside it, even if he didn’t have it there to remind him.
“This way,” Bryce said. “The princesses are waiting.”
And there before them was a beautiful castle that Hapless somehow hadn’t noticed before.
“Caprice Castle,” Rachel said. “It travels.”
“It wasn’t there before,” Bryce said. “You’ll get used to it.”
Hapless wasn’t sure he would ever do that.
Hapless found himself walking beside Nya and Quin. “Uh, you guys—be hyper alert for dragon nets. You never can tell when you might run afoul of one.”
“We will,” Nya agreed, humoring him. But maybe the warning would be enough.
Now the princesses came out to meet them. There were three of them, similar but not quite identical, with cute little crowns. They looked to be about twenty years old. They stood together so that Bryce could introduce them. “Princess Melody.” The one in a green dress, with greenish hair and blue eyes, nodded, smiling.
“I’m the prettiest,” Melody said, though in truth there was little to choose between them.
“Princess Rhythm.” The one with red hair in a red dress smiled. Only her eyes did not match, being green.
“I’m the naughtiest,” Rhythm said proudly.
“Princess Harmony.” She had brown hair and eyes, and was in a brown dress.
“I’m the smartest,” Harmony said. “Soon I’ll marry Bryce.”
“You will not!” Bryce sputtered as all three princesses laughed. Was it a joke? Then he returned to the introductions. “The Princesses are general purpose Sorceresses. Any one is the match of any other Sorceress. Any two of them working together square the effect, and the three together cube it. So it is best to humor and perhaps to be a bit wary of them.”
“Uh,” Hapless said, daunted.
“We’ll gather here outside, on the patio,” Melody said. Princess Dawn, the proprietress of Caprice, will be along soon.” She glanced at Hapless. “I understand you can conjure instruments.”
“Uh, yes.”
“Excellent. Picka and Piper have their own, and the three of us too, but anyone else who wants to play will need them.”
“And here come Picka and Piper now,” Princess Rhythm said.
Hapless tried not to stare. Piper was a normal young man, but Picka was a walking skeleton. All bones, no flesh.
“They are Xanth’s finest musicians,” Princess Rhythm continued. They were? Hapless kept his mouth shut. “Picka Bone, Princess Dawn’s husband. Piper, who in his other form is a musical monster. Now let’s organize the ensemble.”
Princess Dawn’s husband? Musical monster? Hapless had to clamp down on his incredulity lest it explode and blow him to pieces.
The two males sat beside each other, and the three princesses nearby.
Feline poked Hapless in a rib. “Your cue,” she said.
Oh. Hapless went to stand before them, feeling hopelessly awkward. But what could he do? He lifted his wand and waved it.
The music was instant. Piper had a small flute he played with such expertise that it was like music from heaven. Picka detached his clavicles, the shoulder bones, and used them to play his ribs. Weird as it looked, the sound was perfect.
The three princesses had their own instruments. Harmony had a harmonica, Rhythm had a drum, and Melody sang, an almost bell-like soprano. Individually and together they were divine. As an ensemble, it was wonderful. He was conducting, but he felt as if he were doing so from a divine cloud.
The piece ended of its own accord, and Hapless collapsed the wand.
Then the players put aside their instruments and clapped their hands, applauding. “Rachel was right,” Piper said. “You are the conductor we need.”
“But I, uh, just waved my wand. You could have done just as well on your own.”
They shook their heads. “We have tried it,” Princess Melody said. “We are all good individually, but we lacked coordination. We overrode each other’s themes, we got the timing wrong. Only just now, with you conducting, did we get it right. Thanks to your magic.”
“You are the third greatest musician of Xanth, perhaps even the second or the first,” Piper said, and Picka nodded his empty head. “But your talent is expressed through others, empowering them.”
“Well, uh—”
“Now let’s add your Companions of the Quest,” Melody said.
“Um—”
The five Companions came up and took seats on the patio. Hapless conjured their instruments, and they made ready to play them. Now it was an ensemble of ten.
Feline made as if to poke another rib from a distance. “Conduct, dummy.”
Hapless conducted, and all ten participated. It was a new piece, wonderfully coordinated, phenomenally lovely. This time he felt as if he were perched atop the moon. It was absolutely glorious.
When it finished, they applauded again. “Oh, that was so great!” Zed said, setting down his saxophone.
“Oh, Princess Harmony, I was inspired to use the harmonica by your example,” Nya said. “It was amazing, playing here with you.”
“And my drum was inspired by you, Princess Rhythm,” Faro said. “I will remember this experience forever, even if we never do it again.”
“Oh, we’ll do it again,” Rhythm said. “Now that we’ve got our group.”
“I am minded to try one more round,” Piper said. “Some of our associates are not musical. Hapless, does your talent include them?”
“Uh, I suppose so. Anyone seems to be able to play in my presence.”
“Dear?” Picka said.
Princess Dawn stepped forward. “I am not at all sure about this.” She was a lovely figure of a woman, several years more mature than the triplet princesses. “Perhaps I should check Hapless first.”
“Check?” Hapless asked.
Princess Dawn approached him confidently. She reached out to touch his hand. “Oh, my!” she said. “Your talent and character are both special.”
“They are?”
“I should explain: I am a Sorceress, as are all the descendents of Great Grandpa Bink. My talent is to know all about any living thing I touch. So I have just been apprized of your encounter with the Goddess Isis, and the full nature of your formidable magic talent. We owe you a lot, Hapless.”
“I, uh—”
“Your modestly becomes you. Now I am curious to see whether your talent works on me. Please conjure me a musical instrument.”
“Uh, what one?”
“Any one. The least likely one.”
“A bassoon,” Picka called mischievously. “The most difficult instrument in an orchestra.”
A bassoon appeared in Hapless’s hands. He gave it to the princess.
“Oh, my,” she said. “I have never even touched one of these before. I have no idea how to play it.”
“Try,” Hapless suggested.
She tried, holding it before her and putting her mouth to the thin mouthpiece extending from its middle. And suddenly she was playing a compelling theme.
The members of the ensemble applauded.
“So it is true,” Dawn said, surprised despite her understanding of Hapless’s talent. She took her place beside Picka.
Several other non-musicians accepted instruments and joined the group, including Merge and Myst with their big and little xylophones. Then Hapless raised his wand and conducted them, and they all played marvelously together. It always happened when he conducted: each player, and the larger group, were perfect, needing no written music or rehearsal.
“That does it,” Dawn said, flushed. “You and your group will stay here at Caprice and join the ensemble. You were able to enable me to play an instrument I’d never touched before, and play it well. Your talent is simply too valuable to allow to go to waste.” She glanced at the assembled Companions with their instruments. “Between concerts, we can use the other talents of the members of your Quest. Nya, we will be visiting some obscure sections of Xanth, where your ability to relate to dragons, naga, and other crossbreeds will be valuable.” Nya nodded, satisfied. “Quin, there are some sections where the human form is preferred, but a dragon form may become necessary to keep the peace.” Quin nodded. “Zed and Faro, our children are away today, visiting Castle Roogna with the other dogs, but they will return tomorrow and will absolutely love to ride you, on the ground and in the air, if you can tolerate it.” Zed and Faro nodded; they would be happy to entertain children, in a context like this. “Feline, we have dogs galore here, but no cats at present. We need one. No castle is complete without a cat.” Feline nodded; this was something other than her curves.
Hapless was impressed. Princess Dawn clearly knew how to manage things. She must have touched the Companions and ascertained their natures.
Dawn took a breath. “Now Woofer and Rachel will show you to your rooms.”
“I’ll share his room,” Feline said. “We have business to attend to.”
“Not Merge?” Rachel asked.
“Not until they are married.”
Dawn looked at Merge, who nodded, faintly blushing. “Of course,” Dawn said smoothly.
Princess Harmony approached. “I will show them to their room,” she told the dog. Rachel nodded and went on to the next.
�
��I am so pleased to make your acquaintance, Hapless,” Harmony said as she gently guided them through the labyrinth that was the interior castle. “In fact, it’s an honor.”
“But I’m nobody,” he protested.
“A nobody with character.”
“I didn’t do anything.”
“It’s what you didn’t do,” Harmony said seriously. She looked into his face, and he was abruptly aware that this was far, far more than a triplet princess. Not only was she remarkably pretty, she was indeed a Sorceress, with powers he hardly guessed, and she was smart, informed and dedicated.
But still her remark confused him.
“Didn’t do?”
“I am slated to be the next King of Xanth, in due course. I have been preparing for the role for years. First I have to persuade Bryce to marry me; he remains uncommitted, but I don’t think he can hold out much longer. He does love me, as I love him.”
King of Xanth! The position he would have usurped, had he gone with the Goddess Isis. She knew!
She kissed him on the cheek. “We are going to get along.” She paused at a door, one among many. “This is your room. I’m sure you will find it an education.”
“Oh, yes,” Feline agreed, taking his hand possessively.
And Hapless realized that what he had here as an ordinary person was more valuable to him than what the Goddess had offered. A useful place in society, facilitating music. Friendship. Love. Not to mention what Feline had in mind for him.
For one thing, there were no suggestive shadows.
Author’s Note
On Apull 8, 2013 (in Xanth we use the Ogre Months, which are more dynamic than the dull ones of drear Mundania) I received an email letter from Heather Pryzstas: “One of the best things about being a mom has been watching my daughter grow to love reading as much as her father and I do. Now I get to share my love of Mr. Anthony’s work with her as well, and she’s devouring them just as I did (and still do!). She asked that I find a way to deliver the attached letter. I promised I would try my best.”
This, of course, is music to an author’s ears, hearing from dedicated fans who perpetuate the love of his writing so that future generations are similarly enthralled. The secret is the magic dust that wafts out from between the pages of the book and addicts the unwary reader to fantasy. But in these days of electronic publication (no physical pages) that is less reliable, so we still depend on long-time fans.
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