"Why am I talking to you...I really have no idea, other than that I find it therapeutic," I say to the camera. "Because when I'm talking to you, I can say what I'm really feeling...and what I'm really feeling is...well, it's a lot of things. Like for starters, I'm scared, not just for myself, but for Quinton. That place he's in...it's horrible. I knew people lived like this in movies and stuff, but seeing it with my own eyes...it's terrifying." I pause, glancing at the building. "And I also feel hurt...I mean, he was so, so upset with me last night for being here and all I want to do is help him...the only thing that can get me past that is remembering...remembering how much my mom wanted to help me and how much I shut her out. I didn't want help, but looking back I think deep down I really did want it, I just couldn't see past all the dark stuff...until I watched Landon's video...the one he made right before he committed suicide...in a way, that video woke me up. I'm hoping that Quinton is the same way--that there's something to wake him up. I have to believe there is, otherwise there's no hope left. And I'm not ready to accept that yet." I pause, taking a deep breath before I add, "So here goes. I'm going back in." I stop talking and click off the camera, putting the phone back into my pocket. Then I get out of the car, making sure to grab the coffees and lock the doors.
The area is eerily silent, like everyone sleeps during the day and only comes out at night. I'm sort of glad, though. It makes walking to the stairs, going up them, and walking to the door so much easier. The hard part comes when I get to the door. I stare at the cracks in it, breathing in the stale air. I'm not sure what to do next, or if I even want to do anything next.
What do I do?
Finally I knock on the door, softly at first, but then I hit it a little harder when no one answers. All I get in return is more silence and I glance back at my car, growing nervous. Should I go? But when I look back at the door, all I can picture is Quinton on the other side, bruised and broken--lost. Just like I was at one point in my life.
I'm not sure what to do and my legs start to feel like rubber as I stand there. Finally I sit down on the ground and lean against the railing, knowing it's probably filthy. But filth doesn't matter at the moment and I can handle getting the backside of my shorts dirty. I set the coffees down beside me, read no regrets written on the back of my hand, then touch my exposed scar.
Remember.
I float back into the memory of how bad things were when I fell toward rock bottom, leaning my head back against the railing and staring up at the sky through a hole in the canopy roof above me.
I can't feel my body. I think I've drunk so much that I've managed to drown myself. Because that's what I feel like. Submerged in water, only it's hot, scorching, yet at the same time my body is connected to the heat so I can't do anything but let it burn my skin. Slowly.
I want out of it. My body. My thoughts. I want to be above water again or maybe at the bottom. I'm not sure. I'm not sure what I want anymore. What I'm supposed to be doing. So I keep wandering around helplessly, kissing guys I shouldn't be kissing, not focusing past anything but taking the next step and even that seems difficult.
Maybe I should just stop walking.
I go into the bathroom at my house and don't lock the door because Landon didn't lock the door and I want to figure out why he didn't. Did he want me to walk in or did he just forget...was he just too out of it? I don't know.
I don't know anything anymore.
I sink down on the cold tile floor, tears staining my eyes and cheeks. I've been crying all night, feeling guilty, aching from the inside, but now suddenly I feel nothing. Emptied. Like all my emotions were drained out through those tears and I'm not sure any feelings are ever going to come back. Maybe I'm broken. Maybe Landon took what was inside me with him. Maybe I don't even have blood left in my veins.
God, I miss him. Is this what he was thinking right before he left? That he missed someone? Or that he didn't have life in him? That he felt broken?
I have to know--need to understand--what he felt like when he decided it was time to go forever. Because sometimes it feels like I'm heading to that same place, where giving up seems easier than taking any more steps.
I reach up toward the counter and feel around until I find the drawer handle. I pull it open and without looking in it, I feel around until I find a razor. My fingers don't shake when I take it out. I kind of expected them to, like they would freak out over the fact that I'm going to do this.
I am.
I bring my hand back toward me and stare at the razor in my hand. I'm not even sure how sharp it is or how exactly to do this. It doesn't look very sharp and the pink handle makes it look almost harmless. I dare touch my fingertip to the edge of the razor and press down. Nothing. So I slide it up and it slowly splits the skin of my finger open. Dots of blood trickle out and onto the floor around my feet. I stare at them, feeling the burn in my finger, but not really feeling it, which makes me think I might be able to go through with this. Is that what Landon did, too? Did he test what the rope felt like around his neck? Did it burn? Was he afraid? Was he thinking about how he was going to miss me? How much I'd miss him? How much it'd hurt for me to see him like that? Was he thinking at all? I'm not sure. I'm not sure about anything anymore.
I stretch my arm out in front of me, see the vein. It's faint and small so I pump my fist repeatedly until it's purple and bulging like it's angry. Like it's shouting at me to stop. Don't do it. I can't stop. Not until I understand.
I bring my knee up and rest my arm on top of it, my forearm up. I pump my fist over and over again as I move the razor closer, feeling nothing, not until the blade comes into contact with my skin. I feel a hint of cold and I shiver, but I shove the sensation aside and press the blade down. It stings as the skin tears open. I feel it, along with the warmth of the blood dripping out, but I still don't understand what he was thinking...what made him go through with it--what made him end his life.
I push the razor down harder and start to graze it along my skin. Cutting my skin open. Letting the blood out. Letting the pain out. It's trailing down my skin, like a weak river, and the line across my wrist is opening up, but it's not nearly open enough, just a faint cut, something that will barely leave a scar. I need to do it more.
I slice the razor back and forth over my skin, each movement bringing on more pain, yet at the same time I'm letting it out. I'm starting to feel light-headed, like I'm swimming into dark water, drowning. How far can I go? When do I stop? How much is enough?
Suddenly someone knocks on the door. "Nova, are you in there?" my mom asks.
"Go away!" I shout, my voice off pitch and trembling.
"What the hell are you doing in there? Are you okay?" she asks, worried.
"I said go the fuck away!"
"I will not. Not until you tell me what's wrong...I thought I heard you crying in there."
When I don't respond, the doorknob starts to turn and then the door opens. Her expression falls and her eyes widen as she takes in the sight of me, razor in my hand, blood all over my arm and the floor. She's going to freak out and all I can think is: Am I glad she walked in? Am I glad I left the door unlocked? Am I glad she stopped me?
I blink from the memory, breathing in and out, telling my pulse to settle down, to remember, but to not let the memory overtake me. Sometimes, when I really think about it, I tell myself that I didn't lock the door that day because I wanted someone to walk in on me, wanted them to find me before I bled out--that I never intended to kill myself. I'm not sure if there's any truth behind it or not. My head was in too weird a place at the time and thinking back it's hard to decipher what I was truly feeling. But my mom did walk in on me--she did open the door--and I didn't die. I was madder than hell at her, too, yelled and screamed, not even sure why I was so mad. But I got over it and in the end, right in this moment, I'm so glad that she did.
Getting to my feet, I walk forward and knock on the door to Quinton's apartment again. I do it ten times just to be sure that no one is going to a
nswer, and then, even though I'm afraid to do it, I grab the doorknob. I'm not sure if it's the right thing to do but I'm not even sure there is a right thing to do, so I do what I know.
Summoning a deep breath, I turn the doorknob, but it's locked. As I let go and my arm falls to the side, a piece of my hope burns out. I back away from the door and sit back down. All I can do now is wait for Quinton to come to me.
Quinton
The pain's starting to dwindle, or maybe it's still there in my body but my mind is focusing on other stuff. Like the sound of the wind just outside, or how cold the wall is against my back, though my skin feels hot, or how my hand itches to draw yet I can't move my fingers enough to pick up a pencil.
"You are so jacked up right now," Tristan remarks as he lowers his head to the mirror and sucks up another line. He throws his head back and sniffs, putting his hand to his nose as he releases a euphoric breath. He's done at least three more lines than me, pushing that boundary he's always pushing.
"So are you." I lean forward from the wall and steal the mirror from his hand. I don't hesitate, putting the pen to my nose and sucking the white powder up in one deep, wonderful breath. Then I set the mirror down on the floor and rub my hand across my nostrils, sniffing as my nose and throat absorb the adrenaline rush.
"True," Tristan says, drumming his fingers on the tops of his knees as he glances around my room, like he's searching for something, but he's not going to find it, since there's nothing in here. "I think we should do something."
"Like what?" I massage my bruised hand, my fingers are crooked and I still can't straighten them, but there's no pain for the most part. One of my eyes is also swollen and I can barely see out of it, but everything's good because I'm soaring right now. "Because I can't do anything that involves using my hand or my foot or my ribs either."
He snorts a laugh as he starts tapping his foot, so much energy buzzing through him I think he's going to lose it. "Isn't that what we were trying to do here? Numb out your pain so you can move?"
I consider what he said and remember that was the point behind doing so much today. "Let me see if I can," I tell him, then I bend my knees, put my good hand down on the floor and push up. It feels like it hurts yet at the same time I feel at peace with the ache inside me as I stumble to my feet. My left leg tries to buckle, so I put all my weight on the right one and brace my hand on the wall.
"I think you got it," Tristan says, standing up from my mattress. "Now we can walk over to Johnny's and get some more, pretending we're making a pickup for Dylan or something."
"We don't have any cash for that," I point out, then glance at the pennies on my floor. "Unless you think he'll accept pennies."
He shakes his head and then smiles as he takes a roll of cash out of his pocket. "Yeah, we do."
"Where did you get that?" I ask, leaning my weight on my arm as I try to support my body.
He shakes his head and stuffs the money back into his pocket. "I'm not going to tell you, since you'll be all weird about it."
I frown at the money that I'm pretty sure belongs to Dylan, the money that Delilah gave to me to make the pickup that led to my ass getting beat by Trace's guys. "Did you steal that off of me yesterday, because that wasn't mine. It was Dylan's."
"Can we just go?" he asks, and I know he did--he took the money and has no plans to give it back--yet I don't say anything because in the end that money is what is going to get us more drugs. "Forget about where the money came from. I'll make sure to pay Dylan back, but let's just get to Johnny's because we're running low."
"Do you think that's a good idea? After what happened yesterday? Because I really don't feel like getting my ass kicked again and this time I don't think I'm going to be able to run away." I rest my head back against the wall and roll my eyes a few times, trying to stop them from drying out. "You know, the guy that beat the shit out of me made a threat that you were going to get it, too."
"So what? I can handle whatever they bring," he says with a stupid amount of confidence that's going to end up getting him hurt. I can feel it. "Besides, if they come here then I'll run, unlike you..." He considers something, looking perplexed. "Why didn't you at first? It makes me think you're crazy."
"Maybe I am."
"Maybe we both are."
"Or maybe we both need help," I say, but I only really mean him.
"I don't need to hear that shit from you, too," he states with an exaggerated sigh.
"What do you mean me, too?" I ask, lifting my head back up to look at him. "Who else has been telling you that?"
"My parents," he replies with a shrug.
"I thought you haven't talked to them since we bailed out on Maple Grove?"
He does another line, sucking air through his nose multiple times as he puts his head upright. "I made the stupid mistake of calling them a few months ago to see if they could lend me some money. I used Delilah's phone and apparently my mom cared enough to save it in her contacts--although she didn't care enough to say yes to lending me the money." He mutters something under his breath that sounds an awful lot like "Stupid bitch." "Then she randomly called about a day or two ago...told me I should come home and get help...said they missed me or some shit, like they suddenly decided they were going to start caring."
"Maybe you should go home," I say, thinking of my own father, wondering what he's doing and if he ever thinks about me. I haven't talked to him since I left Seattle, but then again I haven't tried to call him and I'm not sure if he knows how to get ahold of me. If he does, though, I think I'd rather not know, because that means he can call me but chooses not to. The truth can hurt a hell of a lot more than just thinking about the fucked-up possibilities. "I mean, if they want you to get help, then why not? It obviously means that they care about you."
He laughs sharply. "They don't care about me. Trust me."
"Then why would they call you?" I ask, wishing he would go, get better, live a good life. "I'm sure they care about you--that they miss you...you're probably hurting them a lot..." I almost say, "all things considering," since they've already lost one child. But I can't do that--say it aloud. Remind him and myself of what I've done.
He ignores me. "You know what, maybe you should go home," he retorts as he pinches his nostrils with his fingertips.
"This is my home," I say. "I don't have anywhere else...I fucked that up a long time ago."
It grows quiet between the two of us, which happens a lot when one of us brings up the past, even if we're both forcing euphoria into our bodies. The past can always momentarily hinder the high, although we have gone into some really deep heart-to-hearts about it when we're both soaring on adrenaline, but we never remember exactly what we said when we crash back down to reality.
He starts messing around with his shoelaces even though they're tied while I reach for a shirt on the floor. But as I bend over, my ribs ache in protest and I stand right back up, letting out a groan.
"What's wrong?" Tristan asks, his attention darting from me to the door to the window to the ceiling.
"I think I broke one of my ribs."
His eyes land back on me. "Well, you know what they say the best cure is for broken ribs," he says, picking up my shirt for me. "More lines."
I take the shirt from him when he offers it to me. "I'm pretty sure no one says that."
"I just did," he says in all seriousness. "Now are you going to come to Johnny's or what?" He's practically bouncing, glancing all over my room, drumming his fingers like he can't sit still.
I try to put my shirt on, but only get one arm in when I decide that I can't move my body enough, I give up and toss my shirt aside. "There's no way I can get that on," I say, trying to figure out a solution, but thinking too deeply about one thing gives me a headache. "I'll just walk over there without a shirt on."
He nods as he opens my bedroom door. "That's a good idea, then maybe you can hook up with that Caroline chick. She has a thing for you and she's hot. Plus, she's got connections."
He gapes at me like I'm insane. "Why the fuck not?"
I scratch at my arm, right over the tattoos, even though it's not itchy. "Because I don't feel like it."
"You will when we get a few more lines in you," he assures me as he knocks a glass bottle out of the way and it crashes and breaks against Delilah's shut door.
I exhale, not believing that's going to happen, because the real reason for my hesitation isn't going to go away any time soon. Even with adrenaline storming through my system and my mind and body in a state of artificial contentment, I still can't stop thinking about Nova...how she showed up last night.
Showed up to see me.
I'm still trying to process it. That someone would actually want to come see me, actually care enough about me to take the time to do so. And what did I do? I ran away. Shut the door in her face. I feel bad, yet at the same time I don't, because I want her to be here, yet I don't. I'm very confused and feel guilty for even being confused about my feelings for her, so I force myself to stop thinking, allow the drugs to wash the thoughts away, and keep walking in the direction I'm going, to more drugs.
The whole house is quiet, but that's normal. Dylan took off sometime last night and hasn't been back since. When Delilah came home last night, she was on something that was making her pretty happy, so I took the opportunity to tell her I'd finished off her stash. She didn't seem bothered by it and by the time she wakes up she probably won't remember I took it. And if she does remember, I honestly don't give a shit. We all do it to each other--steal from one another. Put our addiction before anything else.
When we enter the living room, Tristan grabs his bag, which is by the front door, while I struggle to jam my feet into my boots. I don't bother lacing them because it would take too long trying to do it one-handed; then I limp toward the door, focusing on taking step after step because that's as far as my mind will allow me to look into the future--all it can focus on.
"You gonna be able to make the walk?" Tristan asks as he grips the doorknob.
I nod as he cracks the front door open and lets a single ray of sunlight in. "I'm good...the pain's wearing on me but that'll be fixed soon enough."
Saving Quinton Page 10
