“Can’t your family help you out at all, though?”
I bit my lip. “I don’t want to ask them for help. They have their own problems.” My younger sister was disabled, and her care cost a lot of money. My dad didn’t earn much, which meant the whole burden was on my mom.
“They shouldn’t mind,” Sydney said. “You’re their daughter. They love you.”
“I know. I just…” I didn’t want them to know how poorly I’d been treated. “I don’t want to bother them.”
“Don’t you think they’d be more bothered to know what you’re going through?” she asked. “They’d be able to help you, right?”
“They’d be able to cover my deposit. Nothing more.”
“Then let them do that.” Sydney grabbed my hand and stared me in the eyes. “I’m serious, Lora. Don’t put yourself through this. You don’t have to do everything alone. Let people help you.”
Uncomfortable with the force of her gaze, I turned my head away. My hand was still in hers, and I tried to ignore its soft warmth. “I’m not doing everything alone. I let the shelter help me, didn’t I? That wasn’t easy.”
“That was one step… but I saw how much you hated it.” Sydney squeezed my hand. “Look at me, Lora. You’re at a low point in your life right now, and you’re going to need a lot of help from other people. I know you don’t want to ask for it, but you have to. People are going to be happy to help you, because they love you.”
Reluctantly looking into the depths of her brown eyes, I sighed. “Maybe you’re right.”
“Will you call your parents?”
I rubbed the back of my neck. “Fine.”
“I mean now.”
My shoulders tensed, and my jaw clenched. I hated that I had to do this… but with Sydney’s kindness and support, maybe I could do it. “All right,” I said. “I’ll call them right now.”
Eight – Sydney
“Hey, stranger,” Rebecca said when I arrived at the soup kitchen the next Saturday. “Feels like I haven’t seen you in a while.”
“I missed one shift,” I laughed. “What’s it to you?”
“We were short on hands, is what.” She tossed me an apron, which I tied on. “You know how crazy it gets here at lunchtime.”
“Fair enough.” I peeked into the stock pot, which was already bubbling with chicken noodle soup. “Something came up, but it was a one-time thing. You know I’d never miss my shift for no reason.”
With a “hmph,” she pulled a few loaves of fresh bread out of the fridge. “The grocery store on High Street donated these. They’re not sliced, so you can cut them and put a piece on each tray.” She was always the earliest volunteer to arrive on Saturday mornings, so she always knew what needed to be done.
“Sounds good,” I said. “The guests are going to love this.”
I set myself to slicing, thinking about Lora as I did. She was in a slightly better place than she’d been a week ago. Once she’d called her parents and let them know her predicament, they’d been more than willing to help her financially, as I’d expected. Since it was only mid-month, she was still having trouble finding an apartment that’d rent to her. The fact that she had a cat didn’t help, but I had faith she’d find something soon.
In the meantime, I was still enjoying having Virginia around. Actually, I was going to miss that kitten pretty terribly when she left. She’d actually sat on my lap this morning – only for a minute, but she’d come to me all by herself, and while she was on me she’d licked my hand with her rough little tongue.
“Sydney,” Rebecca called, “we’re ready to plate the rice now.”
The next four hours were a blur of portioning, serving, and washing dishes. By the time the shift was over, I was sweaty and exhausted. I yawned as I dried the last plate and stuck it back in the cupboard.
The homeless and underprivileged people that we fed were so grateful that it made everything worth it. Sometimes one would be high on drugs or just angry at life, but today the biggest problem had been telling people they couldn’t come back for seconds or thirds.
“Good job today,” Rebecca said. “It went a lot smoother than last week because you were here.”
I nodded, still feeling a bit guilty over skipping my last shift. I knew how much the soup kitchen needed me, but I’d thought Lora needed me, too.
“Do you want to grab a coffee?” Rebecca asked. “We haven’t had a good chat in a while.”
I did want to catch up with her. She was a great listener, and we never got the chance to have actual conversations during our shifts. But… “Maybe next week,” I said. “I have other plans.”
Twenty minutes later, I pulled into the parking lot at Open Heart. I went inside, nodding to the volunteer, and headed into the dining hall.
Lora was sitting alone, a half-empty lunch tray in front of her as she stared into space. Her eyes stayed unfocused as I walked toward her. Only when I sat down across from her did she blink in recognition. “Hey! Are you volunteering today?”
“No,” I said. “Just dropping by.”
Something flickered across her face – happiness? – and then it was gone. “It’s good to see you. How are you? How’s Virginia?”
“Both good,” I said. “She’s been getting snugglier lately – by which I mean, she’ll sit on my lap for ten seconds before standing up and walking away.”
“Not bad,” Lora laughed. “The longest she’d ever sit on me was about twenty seconds, so you’re already halfway there. I hope to take her off your hands soon, though.”
I bit my lip. “Did you find an apartment?”
“Yeah.” A far-off smile came over her face. “It’s fantastic. Just a studio, but it’s so cozy inside. Plus it’s in a great area, and the price is right. I’m supposed to go back and sign the lease tonight.”
“Wow, congratulations. When are you moving?”
“Tomorrow, if I can. It’s not like I have a lot of stuff to move, so…” She shrugged. “I have a shift at work, so I figure I’ll come by for Virginia around eight, if you’re free.”
Tomorrow night at eight. That gave me roughly twenty-six more hours with the adorable kitten… and twenty-six more hours to be connected to Lora. Would we stay in touch once she took her cat back?
I hated the thought of not knowing whether she stayed on the path she was on. If we fell out of touch, she could end up like so many abuse victims and go back to her abuser. Even if we were in touch, obviously I couldn’t prevent her from returning to Chantel. But I could at least be there to support her, bolster her self-esteem, and advise her on the best course of action.
Besides, I seriously would miss Virginia.
“Eight o’clock is fine,” I said quietly. “Why don’t I bring her over to your new place? You’ll be stressed enough from moving and work, and coming over would be one more trip.”
“Don’t worry about me,” she said. “You’ve done so much already. I would’ve been maxing out my credit card on a cat kennel if you hadn’t offered to look after Virginia.”
“It was nothing. You’re at a rough time in your life. Plus, come on.” I laughed. “I got to look after Virginia.”
“Fair enough.” She picked up her tray. “You can bring her over.”
*
Virginia crouched in the carrier I’d bought her. Her pupils had become tiny slits, and her claws scrabbled at the bars keeping her in. “It’s okay,” I told her, taking the carrier out of the car. “You’re almost at your new home. Almost back to Mommy.”
I left the cat food and litter box in the car – I’d come back for them after delivering Virginia. The apartment was in a great neighborhood, as Lora had said. The building itself looked a bit rundown, though.
I headed inside and looked for Lora’s buzzer. The system seemed to be broken, so I called her. “The door doesn’t lock,” she said. “You can just come in.”
Frowning, I went inside. This place gave me a bad feeling, and I wondered if Lora had moved in too hastily
. Not that I would’ve wanted her to stay in the shelter forever, of course.
The elevator was broken, too, so I walked up the three flights to her unit. Luckily she wasn’t any higher, because I was out of breath and Virginia was crying by the time we got to her floor.
“Here we are, kitty,” I panted, knocking on Lora’s door. “You won’t have to deal with that trek again soon. Me, on the other hand…” I thought mournfully about the supplies I’d left in the car.
Lora opened her door and wrapped me in a long hug – even, I noted, before acknowledging Virginia. “Thank you so much for bringing her.” Once she let me go, she cooed over Virginia. “Look at my poor baby! You’ve been so brave, haven’t you? That scary car ride! You finally made it, and you’re safe now!”
I could’ve said the same to her. Instead, I came further into her apartment. The walls were dingy, although I supposed the large windows were nice. There was no furniture as of yet, and I wondered where she was planning to sleep.
“Sorry,” she said from behind me. “I’d invite you to sit down, but…”
“That’s okay.” I peeked into the kitchen area and was grateful to discover she’d bought a few things. I pulled a drinking glass free of its box, rinsed it in the sink, and poured myself some water.
Meanwhile, Lora let Virginia out of her carrier. The kitten scurried around the room as if looking for a place to hide. Giving up, she sat in a corner, hunched up with her ears flattened.
“She’s terrified,” Lora said, sounding more despondent than anything else.
“She’ll get used to being here,” I said. “Even if it’s a new environment, she’s back with her mama. She’ll adjust in no time.”
“I don’t know,” Lora said, kneeling in front of Virginia. “She barely seems to remember me.” She held out her hand to the kitten, who shied away.
“Give it a little time.” I sat on the floor next to them. “You haven’t talked to Chantel, right?”
Lora visibly tensed. “No… why?”
“Just because this is going to be a vulnerable time for you.” I picked up one of Virginia’s paws, which she immediately pulled back. “You’ll be on your own again, without daily counseling. It’d only be natural if you got lonely, and if Chantel were to call you, no one would blame you if you picked up.”
“She does still call,” she said in a low voice. “I don’t answer.”
“That’s great. Keep it up.” I wanted to put my arms around her, but the tension in her shoulders told me to give her space. “You’re actually in a great position, believe it or not. You two weren’t married. You have no kids together. You’ve already broken your lease with her, which is the most complicated part. All you need to keep away from her now is willpower, and you have that.”
“I guess so.”
“I hope you know you still have resources for support. You can go back to the shelter for group counseling sessions… and you always have me.”
“Thanks, Sydney.” She met my eyes. “I think I’ll be okay. I didn’t come this far just to forgive her.”
“Good. Don’t forget what she did to you. Or convince yourself that you deserved it.”
Her gaze dropped. “I know.”
I got up, mentally preparing myself for another long haul down and back up the stairs. For Lora’s sake, I would’ve gone through any amount of physical exertion.
I just hoped she was telling the truth.
Nine – Lora
I pulled my keys out of my purse as I walked out of the grocery store. Tonight’s shift had been painfully long, but bearable – at least more than the first few after my break-up. I’d managed to get through the night without bursting into tears in front of customers, which was something.
After tossing my purse onto the passenger seat, I rubbed my temples. It was only ten o’clock on a balmy August night, and I was going home to an empty apartment. Sure, Virginia was waiting for me, but that wasn’t the same as going home to a person.
Back in our good days, Chantel would’ve been waiting for me with the next episode of whatever show we were currently binge-watching queued up on Netflix. Knowing I liked my ice cream slightly melted, she would’ve taken the carton out half an hour before I got home. She knew me that well, and she was that considerate… when she chose to be.
Turning the key in the ignition, I let out a sigh. Sydney’s pep talk about not giving in to loneliness had come at just the right time. In the days since I’d moved out of the shelter, I thought about Chantel more and more. The good memories came to my mind more often, the bad ones less. I could almost forget why I’d left her in the first place.
When I pulled into my building’s parking lot, I was still thinking about Chantel, and when I stepped into my empty apartment, I wished she was there.
Virginia ran to the door, her tail flying straight up as she meowed over and over.
“Yes, I know you’re hungry,” I said. “I know this is a late dinner for you. I’m going to feed you, if you’d stop running in circles around me and let me walk.”
Paying me no attention, she continued to run around me. I reached down to pet her, my heart heavy. If Chantel was here, she could’ve fed Virginia while I was at work. Even though she didn’t like cats, she would’ve done that. She would’ve put up with a pet she didn’t like every single day for my sake.
But things were better this way. So much better.
I grabbed Virginia’s food from beneath the sink and poured a handful into her bowl. As she chowed down, I stood back and watched affectionately. I loved how she pulled each piece of kibble out of the bowl first, then ate it off the floor. It was ridiculous and adorable, and I wished I could tell Chantel all about it. Even though she wasn’t a cat person, she would’ve oohed and aahed because she saw it made me happy.
I grabbed a can of Coke out of the fridge, then brought it over to the twin-sized mattress on the floor, still the only piece of furniture I owned. I opened the can as I sat back, and the soda fizzed over the rim. Great, the liquid was about to ruin the mattress I’d maxed out my credit card for.
I held the can away just in time. Only a little Coke sprayed onto the sheets – I was pretty sure it’d wash out. Still, my eyes filled with tears.
I was alone… I had nothing. I’d worked so hard, and for a while, it’d seemed like I was on the right path. When I’d finished my master’s degree, I was on top of the world. My grades had been great, my girlfriend was perfect aside from her hot temper, our combined salaries allowed us to afford a gorgeous apartment. The world was at my feet. And now?
A tear spilled, and then another. I wiped them away impatiently. I couldn’t start throwing myself a pity party now. After all, I was better off than I’d been with Chantel. The way she treated me wasn’t worth putting up with.
Was it? She’d only gotten mad at me a few times, and only the last time had really been that bad. She’d always been such a wonderful partner otherwise. Everyone else loved her, too. They couldn’t all be wrong.
I dug my phone out of my purse. Her texts had slowed down, but they were still coming every day. The most recent ones were sweet and romantic, as if nothing had ever happened between us.
Miss you, babe. Call me when you’re ready to talk.
Just thinking about you. Hope you’re having a great day, whatever you’re doing.
I need you so much it hurts…
I could actually feel my heart softening. Would it really be so bad if I gave her a call, just to talk? I missed the sound of her voice. Missed the way she listened to me. She always knew the right thing to say to make me feel better… even when she was the one who’d made me feel bad in the first place.
I wasn’t going to get back with her or anything. I wasn’t even going to see her! Although, if I called her, I could get some of my stuff back. It’d be nice to wear something other than the few sets of clothes I’d hurriedly jammed into my backpack. Maybe she’d even be willing to let me take the coffee table and couch – I’d paid for them
, and she always complained they weren’t elegant enough for her tastes.
I stared at her messages, rereading one after the other. Fuck it, I was going to call. How bad could it be?
Sydney’s voice echoed in my mind. Don’t forget what she did to you. Or convince yourself that you deserved it.
But I wasn’t going to forget anything. I was just going to talk to her and try to get my stuff back. Maybe see how she was doing. We’d spent three years together. We could still be friends, couldn’t we? It didn’t feel right to just cut her out of my life. I wasn’t a heartless person, and knowing how much I was hurting her made my stomach twist up in knots.
She hurt you first, I reminded myself. If she misses you, it’s her own fault. She’s the one to blame.
I hadn’t done anything wrong… I’d only been protecting myself…
But I didn’t feel so vulnerable anymore.
Before I could talk myself out of it, I dialed her number.
Ten – Sydney
As I sprawled onto my couch, kicking up my feet and flipping on the TV, I wondered what Lora was up to. Something hadn’t felt quite right when I’d left her place a few nights ago. Actually, I knew exactly what. It was the look in her eyes when I’d reminded her not to talk to her ex.
I was sure she was smart enough to know better… but sometimes emotions had nothing to do with intelligence. After all, most abuse victims were perfectly smart and capable, and they still went back to their abusers.
I’d never completely understood why that was, even with all of my experience volunteering with victims. I knew partly, it was because they were still in love with their partners. They remembered the good parts of their relationships and hoped that if they gave things a second chance, the bad parts would go away.
Was Lora still in love with Chantel? I didn’t think so – I usually avoided using her abuser’s name around her – but I couldn’t be sure. There’d definitely been something in her eyes when we’d talked about her the other night.
Shatter Me Page 4
