by Will Davis
To the many talented people I have met and been inspired by in the world of circus – you showed me a new level of discipline and purpose, thank you.
Contents
The Trapeze Artist
Acknowledgements
A Note on the Author
By the Same Author
In the night he will sink down onto his bed, that same bed he has slept in his whole life, which has been both a shelter and a prison and which now feels like neither of these things. There he will lie, staring into nothingness and listening to the sound of his own breath, heavy and strained. He will think with strange detachment of the extraordinary effort required in order to live, effort the body applies without any instruction from the mind. He will wonder if it is possible to overthrow the mysterious ongoing labours of the body, to overwrite the mechanical secretions of glands and the functions of organs – if the ending of a life could ever come down to a simple matter of willpower alone.
In the darkness above him, space that in the dread light of day will take on the familiar dull properties of his room, there will float two possibilities. They are either to lie here until daybreak, and remain lying beyond it, until weakness overthrows his body’s natural resilience, or else to rise and resume his life, pick up the pieces and somehow force them back together in such a way as will allow him to carry on. But he will want neither possibility, and so there on the bed he will remain, cocooned within a state of suspended reality, not forever but until a time when he will have gained the insight he desperately needs in order to choose for himself a new future, one that he will be able to endure and commit to.
He was six years old when he decided he wanted to be gay. It was his uncle Dan’s fault, for crashing his parents’ New Year’s Eve party.
His parents were obsessed with cleanliness and order, things he hated because he was always being sent to his room to tidy up or make the bed, or perform some similar chore that he felt couldn’t possibly make any difference to anyone in the world but himself. When he went over to other boys’ houses their bedrooms were always messy, the floors strewn with toys and crayons and colouring books. Their parents were too busy worrying about jobs and bills, trying to win at scratch cards, watching TV – or else drinking – to care about the state of their sons’ bedrooms. When he once described one of these rooms to his mum she rolled her eyes and asked how anyone could live in such chaos, and after that he was not allowed to go over to this same boy’s house again.
The party was dull because there were only adults present. Adults and him. They were all dressed in grey and brown and neutral shades of green and blue, the same colours the walls of their house were painted in. The women wore very little make-up and most had the same hairstyle, which made it hard for him to distinguish between them. They all smiled big scary smiles when they greeted him and the men all wanted to shake his hand to test out his grip.
His mum had spent a long time vacuuming and putting everything in order, and he had been given strict instructions to watch TV quietly or else he would be sent to bed. He sat cross-legged on the carpet while the adults talked and drank sickly-sweet-smelling orange punch from a big crystal bowl. The TV was showing highlights of the year and included the Queen giving a speech as well as snippets of all the major events that had been in the news. He was bored by the programme, but he couldn’t change the channel because there were two adults watching it, sitting on the sofa and not talking to anyone.
His mum came and made him sit on a cushion so he didn’t get dust on his trousers, and as he repositioned himself the doorbell went. She looked at the clock and said, ‘Who could that be so late?’ then a merry, high-pitched voice in the hall shouted out, ‘Where’s the booze?!’ and his mum turned pale. He knew right away who it was.
Uncle Dan was big, fat, loud and always sounded like he was running out of breath. He was his mum’s brother and she always frowned when his name came up. When he received birthday and Christmas cards from Uncle Dan she threw them out because she said they were inappropriate. He had once saved one of these cards from the dustbin and it showed a picture of a muscular naked man sitting on the beach holding a placard which hid his private parts saying ‘Happy birthday, big boy’ in golden swirly letters. On the few occasions he had seen Uncle Dan she had warned him not to pick up any bad habits or pay any attention to what he said.
Uncle Dan charged into the living room and called out, ‘Happy fucking New Year’s, everybody!’ Then he grabbed him by the shoulders and started to do a little dance with him, right in front of the TV, obscuring the view from the adults who were watching, spinning him around while he sang, ‘Let’s twist again – like we did last summer!’ Then his mother intervened and told Uncle Dan to calm down, but he pushed her away and shouted, ‘Where’s the vino?’
For the rest of the night he watched Uncle Dan instead of the TV. Uncle Dan talked loudly to everyone and then spent a long time whispering to one of the men on the sofa and touching his knee. Then Uncle Dan spilt red wine all over the sofa and his mum ran to get a cloth and some salt. But Uncle Dan only laughed about it and told his mum to relax. Her chin wobbled and he thought she was going to get angry, but then unexpectedly she smiled and let out a laugh of her own.
Suddenly it was midnight. Fireworks were going off on TV and everyone was pulling party poppers, except for Uncle Dan who was behind a curtain kissing the man he had been whispering to on the sofa. Then the man’s wife was crying and the man started shouting and the next thing he had hit Uncle Dan in the face and was leaving with his wife, saying he would never come back ever again. Blood was gushing out of Uncle Dan’s nose and everyone was panicking or trying to calm down the man he had kissed, but Uncle Dan was just laughing. Then Uncle Dan looked at him and gave him a wink, and right there and then he decided he loved his Uncle Dan more than anyone else in the world, including his mum and dad.
Later on when his mum came to tuck him into bed she let out a long sigh and said Uncle Dan was a liability and she hoped he had learned a lesson from his behaviour. She said that they had only invited him because they never thought he would come, and they certainly wouldn’t be making the same mistake next year.
‘He’s wasted his life,’ she said, reaching for the light switch. ‘Such a pity.’
‘When I grow up I’m going to be gay,’ he told her.
To this his mum could only gape.
‘But why?’ she managed eventually.
‘Because I want to enjoy myself,’ he replied.
As the audience files out of the big top he remains seated, huddled up, still lost in the world he has just witnessed, a world of spectacle and illusion so alien to the one he knows it could come from another universe altogether. The two women in the emerald leotards who twisted themselves up in the strips of red fabric are now standing at the entrance bidding the crowd goodbye as they pass, and the black-and-white clown is offering children multicoloured balloon animals, created in seconds by long nimble fingers.
The last family leaves the tent and still he cannot bring himself to move. Instead he watches as the women and clown wave and pull the curtains across the entrance, their bodies visibly relaxing as they do. They have not noticed he is still here and are no longer concerned with holding themselves erect or smiling any more. The clown pulls off his white curly wig to reveal a spiky Mohican and says ‘Fuck me!’ loudly. Abruptly he is a clown no more. In his place stands a very different person, one scary and adult and not remotely funny or endearing. The women yawn and sigh and one of them lets out a small fart, making the other squeal with disgust. Yet even though they are no longer acting the spell is not broken. He can still feel that glow from watching their performance under the hot stage lights, can still feel the glamour like an aura that ema
nates from each of them. He wishes he too could possess that aura.
Suddenly he becomes aware that they are all looking at him, foreheads creased with resentment at his having observed them unaware and without their stage personas.
‘Come on, you cunts, no time for gabbing!’ snaps the ringmaster, appearing at the opening to the ring without his white gloves or moustache. Minus the curling antennae above his lip and the quizzical painted-on eyebrows, his face looks gaunt, his expression hard. The trio glance at him and the clown jerks his head. The ringmaster turns and sees him. He looks back at the others and then takes a few steps forward, his hands on his hips.
‘Is there something we can do for you?’
The ringmaster’s voice is accusing. He wishes there was some way to convey how he feels, to make this fearsome man understand that in the context of his life what he has just seen has opened his eyes to possibilities never before conceived of, and that the reason he is still sitting is because the thought of leaving the tent and returning to the drab existence that lies outside it is one he cannot bear. But there is no way to convey such a thing. He cannot even find his voice to speak. Instead, feeling his cheeks flush, he shakes his head.
‘Well, in that case,’ says the ringmaster curtly, ‘would you mind buggering off? Show’s over now.’
Shakily he stands. He goes down the steps and stumbles on the last one, ending up painfully on his knees. The man who was the clown emits a snort of derisive laughter and the ringmaster lets out an impatient sigh. He reaches for the handrail and uses it to pull himself back to his feet. As he reaches the entrance the women and clown begin to talk once more and the ringmaster bleats at them to move their arses and help him shut down. Already forgotten, he pauses to look back at them, thinking to himself, ‘If only, if only, if only . . . ’
He will watch as night gives way to morning, the blackness around him dissolving into a darkest shade of grey from which the outline of his room and its contents will gradually emerge. His breathing will be less heavy by this time. It will have grown silent and long as he realises that neither of the two futures he has seen are possible for him – the breathing of someone who has comfortably given himself over to despair.
Then, as if the coming light contained clarity, a third future will unexpectedly present itself. And as he thinks of it, it will seem to him the only possible future, and he will know that he has found what he has been seeking all night. For though he cannot will his body to shut down, there are other measures which he can force it to take.
Slowly, warily, lest doubt should catch him unaware and crush his resolve before he has had a chance to exert it, he will turn his body to the side and climb out of bed. He will step over to the empty space between the end of the bed and the door to his room and lower himself down, stretching out his legs on either side of him until it hurts. He will plant a hand above each kneecap and apply pressure, forcing his thigh muscles down towards the carpet. The pain will resemble a burning and the nerves of his hamstrings will cry out for him to let go. But he will not – not until he starts to feel giddy and light-headed and the pain has become a distant throb which hardly seems connected to him any more. Only then will he release his legs and flex and point his feet, over and over until they are cramping and begging to be left alone. But he will not let them alone. Instead he will immediately push down on his thighs once again.
He will do this until the pain of stretch has begun to feel exquisite. He will do it until it feels as if his body is opening up, becoming infused with fire. And he will try another stretch too, bringing his legs together and extending his arms and reaching for his toes. His hands will be inches away and the stretch will create a jolt of agony in the small of his back. But he will take a deep breath and push and push with everything he has, until he can push no more without gasping, at which point he will slump back against the side of his bed exhausted. But as soon as he has caught his breath he will reach forward once more, extending towards his toes as though they were a ridge he must grasp in order not to fall back into a bottomless pit. Once again he will eventually start to gasp and lapse back against the bed, but he will not stop trying, not for hours.
As the greyness of his room is touched by rays of orange from the rising sun he will lie face up on the carpet soaked with sweat, his back and legs throbbing from the pain. But his mouth, which has not smiled for days, will be twisted into a triumphant grin, for he will have succeeded in brushing the nail of each big toe with the tip of each index finger.
‘Hey, you!’ calls a voice as he stumbles out into the night, blindly, without direction or hope.
He stops and turns. The lights that surround the perimeter of the big top have now been switched off and the moon casts a pale light across its own eerie winking depiction on the cupola of the tent. All about him the world is cast in shadow. From out of this darkness a man materialises just a couple of feet away, a glowing red ember held in one hand.
‘Want one?’
It is the aerialist, the man who turned his body into an impossible spinning missile as he flew back and forth on a trapeze far, far above the heads of the audience. Amazed that such a being should actually be addressing him, he looks down and sees he is being offered a cigarette. Instinctively he shakes his head, then immediately regrets his decision as the slender hand with the packet is withdrawn, for even though he doesn’t smoke had he accepted he would have created a reason to stay.
‘So what did you think?’
The aerialist has an accent and he cannot help noticing its similarity to the accents of various Count Draculas he has seen in films. It sounds stagy and he has the faint sense it is put on, or else perhaps emphasised for effect. He searches for the right words to tell the aerialist how the circus has made him feel, and once again fails miserably to find them. The aerialist grins.
‘You liked us? I can tell.’
‘Oh yes,’ he stutters. ‘I thought it – I mean you – you were beautiful! All those things that you do. I could never imagine . . .’
The aerialist laughs. He can tell he is pleased, and is amazed that it should make any difference what someone like himself might think. The aerialist lets out a stream of smoke and throws down his cigarette on the wet grass. Immediately he is sorry, since it seems the conversation is over already.
‘Could I buy you a drink?’
The words come from nowhere. He trembles, scarcely able to believe he has had the courage to say them, yet now that they are out he is glad, glad because no matter what the aerialist’s answer at least later on he will be able to tell himself that he did not leave without trying. Though what exactly it is he is trying for he does not know – or else does not dare admit to himself.
The aerialist too appears surprised. He waits for him to look outraged and refuse, or else to laugh again, this time in scorn. But he appears to be genuinely considering it.
‘I should get back,’ the aerialist says, shrugging his shoulder in a vague gesture back towards the big top. From within a series of heavy thuds and the clanking of metal can be heard. ‘Big Pete, he has what you call a very short fuse.’
He breathes out, unsurprised, preparing to be dismissed. Then the aerialist leans towards him and lowers his voice.
‘Where can we go?’
The aerialist’s use of the word ‘we’ thrills him to such an extent that at first he doesn’t register the question. Then he realises the aerialist is waiting for him to respond and stifles his exhilaration.
‘I . . . well, there’s the Old Mill . . .’
But the idea of the local, where everybody knows him and will talk in hushed voices if he enters with another man, or else launch themselves at the aerialist with questions about the circus and take him away, is hideously unappealing.
‘That little pub?’ says the aerialist, seeming to share his reluctance. ‘Do not take this the wrong way, but I do not particularly wish to have a drink there. Is there nowhere else?’
‘Not unless you don’t mind a
drive,’ he says, before quickly adding, ‘I could drive us!’
‘There is another possibility,’ says the aerialist. ‘Let’s have a drink in my place. What do you say?’
Without waiting for an answer the aerialist nods in the direction of the dark field and begins to walk. Straight away he is swallowed up by the night. After a second of hesitation he hurries after him, unsure whether he is more afraid of losing him or of catching him up.
When he was fourteen a new boy started at school, and was placed in his set. Immediately on his arrival this boy gave out the impression that he was already bored of the school from the way he drifted into the classroom and gazed lazily at the other kids as if he had seen it all before and this time wasn’t even going to bother with having expectations. The boy then took a seat near the front and sat there drumming his fingers up and down, not so much as troubling to look around again. It wasn’t long before someone took a shot at him.
‘Oi, newbie,’ called Katy, who was one of the worst bullies. She hung out at the back of the class with the kids who came from bad families, the ones who didn’t care about getting told off or put in detention. ‘You a fag or what?!’
He looked at the new boy sympathetically, knowing what was coming. Katy had picked on him several times the previous year, saying he was gay and that he fancied other boys, boys who then felt compelled to confront him and warn him not to come near them. He sighed to himself, already feeling sorry for the boy as he waited for his inevitable humiliation.
‘Oi, didn’t you hear me?!’
The boy frowned and turned slowly as if he had heard something vaguely annoying. Katy grinned, as if assessing her prey for the weakest spot to attack.
‘You a girl?’ demanded Katy. She was obviously referring to the boy’s longish hair, which was luxurious, dark and so curly it fell about his face in ringlets, a stark contrast to Katy’s own straggly dyed-blonde mane.
