I wished I were stronger. I wished I had the balls to stand up to my mother and tell her how much her actions broke my already shattered heart, but I didn’t do it. I didn’t say a damn thing, because she was my mother, and I loved her.
Love was a sickness. I didn’t understand why people craved it. It always left me feeling empty inside.
We released our embrace, and she walked toward the taxi she’d called to come pick her up.
As she climbed inside, I stood on the front porch with my hands stuffed deep in my pockets.
“Hey, Ma,” I called out. She looked up toward me and waited. “I was wondering when you were going to tell me about Paris—before you touched down or after?”
Her eyes widened with shock, and her lips slightly parted. “How did you…?”
“Your tickets fell out of your purse.”
A small tremble took over her tiny frame, and she shook her head. “Land, I swear, I was going to tell you. I just… I knew it would upset you with your birthday coming up and all. I was just given a huge opportunity to work with some amazing clients for a European tour they are doing for their upcoming film. You won’t believe—”
My cold heart? It iced over even more. “It’s fine,” I forced out. “It’s not a big deal.”
“Sweetheart…” she murmured, stepping one foot toward me.
“You better get going before you miss your flight.”
Or you could stay and pick me. Stay for me.
Please, Mom. Just…
Pick me…
She took a step backward. She didn’t pick me.
I was an idiot for thinking she would.
She grabbed the handle of her suitcase. “I’m so sorry, Landon. I truly am. There’s so much you don’t know, so much you don’t understand…and I want to explain it all to you. I do, but this job opportunity is something I can’t pass up right now. I will explain more when I get a chance, but—”
“Don’t bother,” I hissed, turning around and walking into the house. “Safe travels.”
She didn’t follow after me.
The house was empty again, and I headed to my bedroom where I lay in my bed. My hands formed fists, and I pounded them against my forehead.
“Fuck!” I hollered, and it woke the sleeping Ham in the corner.
“Fuck!” I pounded harder, trying to push the tears back, trying to stop being a little bitch about being alone.
Ham got up from his sleeping position and stretched out his body before wobbling over to me and climbing into the bed. He pushed himself under my arms, and I nudged him away. Every time I pushed him away, he kept coming back. Again, and again, and again.
“Ham! Go away!” I shouted, annoyed with the stupid dog.
But he didn’t care. He just kept wagging his stupid, short Corgi tail, and he wiggled his way into my arms again. Finally, I surrendered and let him be. I wrapped my grip around him, and I refused to let myself cry.
We stayed there for a while.
It was quiet again. The walls echoed memories of yesterday, and sleep refused to come that night.
The next afternoon, I pulled myself out of bed when my doorbell rang. I glanced over to my clock, well aware that it was Maria, coming to clean.
As I opened the door, she gave me her bright smile, but it quickly faded the moment her eyes fell on me. A frown found her lips.
I must’ve looked as bad as I felt.
“How’s your heart today, Landon?” she asked me.
Shit. Shit. Shit.
My eyes watered over at her words, and I shut them so the emotion wouldn’t fall down my cheeks. I needed to be a man. I needed to man up.
But Maria’s question hit me hard that morning after a hard, hard night.
I didn’t answer because I knew if words left my mouth, they’d crack, and I’d fall apart.
She didn’t say another word. She simply stepped forward and wrapped me in a hug. She held on tight, and I allowed her to do so. Truth was, without her, I would’ve fallen.
She lay her head against my chest and didn’t let me go. I wrapped my arms around her and hugged her back.
“It’s still there, Landon,” Maria swore. “Your heart—I still hear it beating. You’re good. You’re okay. You’re all right.”
That broke me even more.
She began to pray for me, and I didn’t know why. All the prayers she offered up were clearly being unheard. Maybe God’s answering machine was full, and he wasn’t accepting any more messages. Maybe he was busy taking someone else’s calls at the time Maria prayed. Or maybe, just maybe, there wasn’t a god at all. Maybe Maria was praying to a wish, a hope, a dream.
She’d prayed for Lance, too.
Obviously, that hadn’t worked out too great.
Still, she prayed.
Still, I let her.
And even though I didn’t know how it was possible, my ugly, damaged heart still continued to beat.
11
Shay
Days passed without any interactions with Landon. He’d missed a few days of school, and when he came back, he was distant—and not just from me, from everyone. He descended the hallways like a fallen angel. Dark, moody, wounded, shattered in ways I hadn’t known people could be shattered. Had he rested at all over the past few days? Gosh, it was exhausting just looking his way. I wanted to fall asleep for him.
I took a step toward him, but recoiled. I wanted to ask him what was wrong, but also, I knew that wasn’t who we were. We didn’t check in on each other. We didn’t care about our emotions. We were just playing a game. Nothing more, nothing less.
Curiosity rocked me as I scribbled about his disconnection in my notebook. Each time I had a character in mind, I filled up a notebook with information about them. With the way things were going with Landon, I was already on my third notebook.
I felt foolish waiting for Landon to take notice of me again. I’d become used to his snarky comments, crude remarks, and childish pranks, and now that they were missing in action, a knot formed in my gut.
Was he over it?
Over me?
Over our bet?
Because I wasn’t. I still wanted to play, wanted to watch him, wanted to explore.
Just when I thought all hope was lost, a deep voice whispered behind me as I grabbed my books from my locker.
“Those jeans make your ass look huge.”
My heart pounded against my rib cage, and chills raced over my body, and I hoped he didn’t see my shivers.
I smirked, shaking my head, knowing Landon was the one the rude remarks were coming from. “Yeah? Well, your ears make you look like Dumbo,” I replied, trying to act cool as a cucumber even though my hormones were at a ghost pepper level of heat.
Of course, my comment about Landon’s ears was a lie. Everything about Landon’s body was perfectly proportioned, and if there was a flaw, I hadn’t yet found it.
I turned around to face him, pressing my back against the lockers behind me as he hovered over me. I was reminded of how tall he was when he was inches away, and I had to tilt my head up to make eye contact. He looked tired, like always. A bit sad, too—like always.
“I got a nice Dumbo-sized member down below, too, if you want to see,” he joked, placing his left hand against the locker, looking slick as ever. I tried my best to ignore the increased heart rate I was experiencing in response to his flirtation.
“Sounds like elephantiasis. You should really get that checked out.”
He smiled.
I hated it because Landon’s smile made me want to smile, too. It looked so good on him. He should’ve done it more often.
He placed his right hand on the other locker, boxing me in. “So, when are we going out?”
“Out?”
“Yeah, like on a date.”
I laughed. “You don’t date people, Landon, and you definitely don’t date me.”
“Listen, if you want to skip straight ahead to the banging part, by all means…” he offered.
“Okay, no banging, but I’m serious—when are we hanging out? How am I supposed to make this bet come to a conclusion if we don’t see each other outside of school?”
“Well, isn’t that a shame? Looks like you’re going to lose your little bet.”
“So, you’re going to play hard to get?”
“No.” I shook my head. “I’m not playing at all. I am hard to get. I’m busy, Landon, and I refuse to change my life to let someone I despise into it.”
“How do you plan to win the bet if you never see me, though? How can you make me fall in love with you if we never talk?”
“I couldn’t care less about you falling in love with me. As far as I’m concerned, if you lose, that’s a win for me.”
“So, you’re throwing the game by avoiding me?”
“Yup. Pretty much.”
He smiled again, and this time, it was a bit sinister. “Sorry to burst your bubble, but the bet’s not going to go down like that.”
“Oh? And how do you plan to get around this issue?”
“I don’t know yet, but don’t worry, I love a good challenge. I’ll figure it out.”
“You do that, Landon. I’ll be waiting.” I started walking off, and he called after me one last time.
“Chick.”
“Yeah?”
“The ass comment?” His eyes danced across my body, moving up, down, and all around. “It wasn’t an insult.”
My heart…
It skipped. It flipped. It vomited.
“Satan?”
“Yeah?”
“My Dumbo comment?” I combed my hair behind my ears. “It was an insult.”
I turned away as his lips curved up one more time.
That made three.
Three smiles from Landon all in the span of five minutes.
Three smiles. Three breathtakingly beautiful smiles.
“Guess who’s going out with Reggie this weekend?” Tracey gleamed, bouncing over to my locker. She pointed her thumbs to her chest. “This girl.”
I frowned a little, kind of disappointed in that fact. After a few weeks of observing Reggie, I knew he was not the best person in the world. I was secretly hoping Tracey’s infatuation with him would’ve disappeared sooner rather than later.
“Oh?” I said, not sure what else I could’ve pushed out.
“What’s that?”
“What’s what?”
“That tone in the way you said, ‘Oh’?” She cocked an eyebrow. “Aren’t you happy for me?”
“I am. It’s just…Reggie’s kind of a jerk, Tracey.”
“What?” She snickered. “No, he’s not. Why would you say that?”
“Well, I’ve seen him bullying people. I’ve seen the way he talks down to them and judges them. I mean, he couldn’t even remember your name for the longest. I just want you to be careful, that’s all. I don’t want you to get hurt.”
She tensed up completely, and I felt her energy shift. “What the hell, Shay? Why can’t you just be happy for me? You know these kinds of things don’t happen for me often.”
“I think you can do better, that’s all.”
“Well, history is telling me a different story. I can’t believe this is the way you’re acting, after all the times I had your back no matter what, especially with your new situation.”
“What situation?”
“Landon. If you want to talk about jerks, don’t you think you should start with him? And you’re the one falling for him.”
I huffed. “I’m not falling for Landon.”
“Yes, you are. I see the way you look at him in the hallways. You have no poker face.”
“Okay, but this has nothing to do with Reggie. I don’t think you know enough about him to be interested in dating him.”
“And what do you know about Landon other than the fact that he’s treated you like crap since elementary school?” she shot back, growing defensive.
I tossed my hands up. “Okay, okay. I’m sorry. I don’t want you to get hurt, that’s all. I’m being too protective.”
“Yeah, well, don’t. I know what I’m doing, and I’m happy, so don’t try to rain on my parade,” she scolded me, before turning away and walking off.
Later that afternoon, I saw Reggie all cuddled up with a sophomore girl.
Tracey was so far out of that jerk’s league, it was shocking, but she didn’t know it, which made the situation that much worse.
12
Landon
“How’s making Shay fall in love with you going, Land?” Raine asked as she lay on a pineapple-shaped floatie in my swimming pool. Raine had been Hank’s girlfriend for the past forever years, and she sometimes crashed my hangout days with the guys because she swore sunbathing at my house was the best. My pool got the best angles of the sunlight, she claimed, even though the sun didn’t actually come into the pool area—glass walls and all.
Whatever.
I didn’t mind Raine crashing guy time, because she was pretty much one of the guys, anyway. We even had a group nickname: The Fantastic Four (+Raine). She and Hank were glued to each other, and if it had been anyone else, I would’ve called their clinginess disgusting, but with them, it seemed more like a destiny thing.
I’d never seen two people more meant to be together. They were the kind of thing corny romantic comedies were modeled after.
“I don’t have to make Shay fall in love with me. I just have to get her to sleep with me, and she’ll think she’s in love,” I said, sitting back and reading one of the comic books Eric had brought with him. He’d recently gotten into collecting them because his dad had given him some as a birthday gift the year before, and ever since, it was his new favorite pastime. I figured it was because it gave him and his father something to bond over. I didn’t blame him for wanting that connection with his dad.
It was the same reason I drove down to Chicago to sift through paperwork for my dad’s law firm. It was my pathetic attempt to feel close to the guy who was a professional at keeping his distance. Driving to his firm was my attempt to close that gap between us.
“Uh, yeah, sorry, Landon, but you do,” Eric agreed. “Shay isn’t one to just sleep with someone without emotions attached to it. Emotion should be her middle name, actually.”
“I don’t know how to make people fall in love with me.” As far as I was concerned, I had been deemed unlovable a long time ago.
“Just let your walls down, Beast,” Raine shot my way. “And then Beauty will let you in. Open yourself up to her.”
Open myself up to Shay?
Doubtful.
I hardly opened myself up to Ham, and he couldn’t break my heart or tell my secrets even if he wanted to. Dogs were loyal even to jerks who didn’t deserve their devotion.
“Nah, not my style,” I told her. I looked over to Eric. “How did you get her to fall for you?”
“Trust me…” He snickered and kept flipping through his comic. “You don’t want her to love you the way she loved me.”
I didn’t want her to love me at all, but if that was the only way to win the bet…
“Just give me some tips and crap to help get in her good graces.”
“Oh no.” Eric tossed his hands in the air. “Nope. I’m not getting in the middle of this mess. I’m Switzerland.”
I glanced to Grey, and he shook his head. “I love the Swiss Alps. Sorry, buddy.”
Crap.
I cocked an eyebrow at Hank, and he laughed. “Did I ever tell you my favorite cheese is Swiss?” he joked.
“What happened to bros before hoes?” I spat out.
“Hey, watch it!” Raine hollered, tossing water toward me. “Your sexist ways are showing. Besides, I think we can all agree that Shay isn’t a ho. But…” Raine wrinkled up her nose. “She’s always been into writing. She writes screenplays and stuff. I’m sure you’ve seen her with o
ne of her millions of notebooks.”
“Raine! Come on!” Hank sighed, splashing water toward his girlfriend. “We’re Switzerland! We don’t get involved in other people’s drama.”
“I never said I was Switzerland. I’m more like America, just kind of sticking my nose in other people’s business. Plus, I think it’s kind of romantic.” She swooned. I swore, she swooned, and I didn’t even know what she was swooning over.
“What’s romantic about it?” I asked.
“Well, it’s obvious the two of you are going to fall in love at the end of this. Therefore, like every good romance movie, you need a fairy godmother to help push you toward each other.”
Hank groaned, slapping his forehead, knowing his girlfriend was being dramatic as always. “You are no fairy godmother,” he said.
“And you don’t like Swiss cheese,” she shot back.
Hank flipped her off.
She flipped him off back.
“Love you, honey buns.” He winked.
“Love you, too, my Swedish Fish,” she replied.
No doubt about it, I was going to get love diabetes from being around those two. They were always that dramatic with their love. They were snappy and rude and corny and fun.
If I ever fell in love, I’d want it to be something like theirs. It wasn’t always rainbows and butterflies for them, but it was real, and it was theirs.
“What else, Raine?” I asked.
“Recently, she’s been obsessing about her upcoming Shakespeare audition,” she told me.
Shakespeare, huh? Interesting. I knew my fair share of Shakespeare, though I wasn’t a pro. Lance had a collection of Shakespeare plays, and over the past few months, when I wasn’t able to sleep, I’d go into the coach house and thumb through some of his books out of boredom. If you needed a sleep aid, Shakespeare’s plays worked like a dream.
“Do you want a basket to catch all your word vomit, Raine, or are we done being nosey Nancys?” Hank asked.
“Nosey Nancy, over and out.” She saluted and then lay back on her floatie.
She’d given me enough to keep me going, though. This was the second mention of Shakespeare—the first being from Maria—so that had to be pretty important. I was going to take that Shakespeare knowledge and run with it.
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