Shay stood in front of the closet with her face was drained of all color.
“Are you serious, Landon?” she asked, stunned by what had taken place.
I stuffed my hands into my pockets and shrugged. “Like I said, we were just a bet. Nothing more, nothing less.”
I saw it happen, too. The moment she let me go. Her eyes that were, seconds ago, filled with emotion were now ice cold. She stood taller and rolled her shoulders back. “Okay. You wanted me to stop caring about you? Congratulations, Landon. You win.”
I hated myself more than ever. Especially since I was going to push her further and further away. “I know I won, Sunshine. That was the whole point of the bet.”
“Don’t call me Sunshine,” she hissed.
Then stop being so bright.
“Look, are we done here? I got what I wanted from you already, so I’d really like to—”
Slap.
Shay’s hand flew against my cheek, and her voice cracked. “Fuck you, Landon.” Instant guilt found its way to her eyes. She pulled her hand back, still a bit shocked that she actually had enough nerve to place her hand against my face. Her voice dropped, and she lowered her head. “I’m sorry,” she whispered, taking a few steps back.
She turned and hurried away, leaving me standing there with a crowd. If you ever wanted a woman to stop messing around with you, all you had to do was humiliate her in front of a crowd. There was no coming back from that kind of destruction.
“Move on and fuck off,” I muttered.
“Landon, what the hell was that?” Raine asked, walking over to me stunned. “Why the heck would you do that to Shay?”
“I’m not in the mood to talk, Raine,” I mumbled, turning away from her. She grabbed my arm and pulled me toward her.
“No. Landon. I don’t understand…what you and Shay have…it’s real. It’s the realest thing I’ve seen since Hank and myself, so I don’t understand why you’re pushing her away.”
“Drop it, Raine.”
“I won’t. You’re both my friends, and I don’t—”
“Raine, for once in your goddamn life, can you go ahead and mind your own business?” I snapped at her. She took a few steps backward, stunned by the stinging of my words.
She shook her head. “This isn’t you, Landon. I don’t know what’s going on, but this isn’t the real you. But for now, I’m going to go check on Shay.”
“Raine?”
“Yeah?”
“Make sure she’s okay?” I asked, my voice cracking as the words left my lips.
She frowned. “I will. Then, I’m coming back to check on you to make sure you’re okay, too, Land. Shay’s not the only friend I have in this situation. Even though you’re an asshole, I still love your dumb ass.”
She hurried off to track down Shay, and I was happy to know someone was looking after her. A hand landed on my shoulder, and I turned around to see Greyson standing there.
He raised an eyebrow. “You okay?”
“Not really.”
“You want all of these people out of your house?”
“Yup.”
He nodded once and set off to handle it.
It wasn’t long before everyone left my place. Greyson was good at kicking people out. I had to thank him for that later. As I stepped into my bedroom, there were four people sitting there, staring my way.
The Fantastic Four (+Raine).
“What are you guys doing here?” I asked.
“When you said to get rid of everyone, we knew you didn’t mean the cool people,” Hank commented.
I scratched the back of my neck. “Listen, I kind of want to be alone tonight.”
“We know.” Eric nodded, patting a spot next to him on the bed. “That’s why we’re not leaving. We’re your friends, Landon, and we can tell when heavy shit is going on in your head. So, even if you want to be alone tonight, you’re not allowed to be alone. Because you’re not alone.”
I sighed. “I don’t deserve you guys.”
“I know.” Raine walked over and nudged me in the arm. “Now shut up and let me beat you at Mario Kart.” She grabbed a controller and handed it over to me.
I took it from her hands. “Hey, Raine? How is she?”
She grew somber. “Heartbroken. Confused. Devastated. How are you?”
Heartbroken.
Confused.
Devastated.
I shrugged. “I’m okay.”
She smiled a sad grin. “Liar.”
Shay stopped talking to me after my party. The only words she gave me were Juliet’s words to Romeo. Outside of that, it was radio silence. I couldn’t blame her. I wouldn’t talk to me after that, either.
I was an asshole who hurt her due to my own insecurities. It was better that we weren’t together, though. At least, that was what my brain kept telling me over and over again.
The school year came to an end with me receiving a cap and gown. I still didn’t know what was going to come of my life in the upcoming months, but I knew I didn’t want to do the law school thing. Dad was still adamant about me going into law, while Mom was pushing hard for Dad to let me make my own choices.
“You need to stop babying him, Carol. He’s not a child anymore, and he needs to have a real career,” Dad said.
“It is a real career, even if you don’t agree with it,” Mom shot back his way.
Those conversations went on for weeks during the beginning of the summer.
I didn’t really care much either way. My mind wasn’t on college. I couldn’t think of what major I wanted to go into, what classes I wanted to take, because the only thing crossing my mind was Shay.
I missed her.
I missed her so much, and I hated myself every time I thought about what I did and how I pushed her away. I figured the only way I’d be able to clear my head from thoughts of her was returning to my old habits of alcohol.
It started with one sip at a random party. A couple of guys were taking shots, so I took one with them. The second I tasted the alcohol, I instantly felt like a failure. Maybe Monica was right. Maybe people didn’t really change for the better, and I’d always be this messed-up person full of scars inside and out.
The alcohol burned my throat as it went down, and I hated every second of it, but I kept drinking it because I thought it’d help drown out the memories of Shay. Unfortunately, it didn’t. The thoughts of her only intensified.
I ran into her twice on two different occasions. One was a party at Hank’s. It was a pretty mellow hangout, and I drank one drink too many. When Shay walked in, I was already shitfaced and made an utter ass of myself in front of her cousin, Eleanor. I said some stupid-ass shit because I was drunk and sad, and that night, I went home and overthought the situation in tenfold.
The second time I saw her, I’d only had one drink, and I watched her in the distance, laughing with Eric. She looked so happy and content without me.
I went home and fell apart in my bedroom.
My mind mocked me. See? She doesn’t need you. She’s better without you. Move on. You’re worthless.
Who knew the hardest war would end up being me against my mind?
I was losing, too. I was completely slipping away from reality, day by day.
Just when I didn’t think things could have gotten any worse for me, I received text messages from my friends that made me want to vomit.
Hank: Did you hear about Monica?
Eric: Dude, it’s crazy!
Me: What happened?
Greyson: She overdosed last night when she was with Reggie. She’s in the hospital now.
My head felt like exploding as I kept reading the word overdose.
Flashes of Lance came back to me. How he overdosed, how he lost his life, and how I couldn’t save him. Then, I thought about my last conversation with Monica when she asked who was going to choose her. She questioned who was going to stand by her side, and I straight up told her it wasn’t going to be me.
Fuck, Monica. W
hy?
I didn’t know what to do. I couldn’t breathe. But somehow, I managed to stand and grab my keys. I headed out to the hospital to sit with her, because I was almost certain she wouldn’t have had anyone else coming out to be by her side.
29
Shay
Raine told me what happened to Monica, and my first concern was Landon.
I knew I shouldn’t have been thinking about him after what he’d done to me during the opening weekend of our show. I shouldn’t have cared about his well-being, but I couldn’t help it. When love arrived, you couldn’t shut it off like a faucet. It kept pouring out of you, uncontrollably, even when you wanted the pressure of it to stop.
I loved Landon, even though I knew I shouldn’t have. I loved his light and his shadows. I loved the way he wore a crooked grin. I loved his frowns. I loved his highs. I loved his lows.
I loved him. Even when he didn’t deserve it. Even when he broke my spirit.
My heart?
My soul?
My love?
Still his.
I knew he had to be hurting from the fact that Monica had overdosed. You couldn’t ignore the fact that the two of them had history. I knew his mind was probably taking him to the darkest corners of his soul, and even though I felt so much anger toward him, he couldn’t be alone.
Not now.
I headed straight to the hospital and found Landon sitting alone in the waiting room. His head was down, and his hands were clasped together. His knuckles were red from his tight grip, and he looked as if every part of him was shattered. His shoulders were rounded forward, and his sleeves were pushed up, revealing the scars he’d worked so hard to hide from the world.
Oh, Landon.
Where is your mind tonight?
I walked over to him and placed a hand on his shoulder.
He looked up with bloodshot eyes and confusion in his baby blues.
“What are you doing here?” he whispered, sniffling as he tilted his head.
“This,” I told him. I lifted my chair and sat it directly in front of him. I took a seat, and then unclenched his fists and took his hands into mine. I held onto him, feeling the trembles of his hands. “I’m doing this.”
He parted his mouth to speak, but no sounds came out.
I held his hands even tighter as I watched the corner of his mouth twitch.
“Shay…” he started.
“It’s okay. We don’t have to talk. I just want to be here for you.”
He grimaced and cleared his throat as a few tears rolled down his cheeks. “I hurt you.”
“I’m okay. I’m stronger than I look.”
“Why would you be here for me? Why would you do this after what I did to you?”
“Because no one deserves to be alone during the hard times. Not even you.”
He muttered a thank you as he pulled a hand away and wiped at his eyes. He quickly returned his hand to mine, and I held onto him once more.
“How is she?” I asked.
“They pumped her stomach. She’s not awake yet. They won’t tell me anything else because I’m not family. Her parents haven’t even arrived yet. How fucked up is that? Their daughter overdosed, and they didn’t rush to the fucking hospital.”
“That’s awful. Is she not close with her parents?”
“As close as you can get to people like that. They are all about money and status. Her father is in politics. An overdose scandal would be terrible timing for her family, seeing how her father is hoping to run for a senate seat someday. It wouldn’t look great for him.”
“And her mother?”
“Her mother is probably off getting a facial or something. She’s a real number.” He released a weighted sigh. “Shay. Really…why are you here?”
“I told you. You don’t deserve to be alone. I know for some reason you think you do, but you don’t, Landon. No matter what.”
Devastation sat in his eyes as he looked up to me. “I miss you,” he whispered. “I miss you so fucking much it hurts every single day.”
My heart tightened in my chest. “Was it just a bet, Landon?”
“Come on, Chick…” he muttered. “I think we both know the answer to that.”
My hands were trembling, or maybe it was his hands that shook. Who knew? Either way, I kept holding his hands.
“Why did you push me?” I questioned. “Why did you push me away?”
“Because I need to keep people at a distance,” he confessed. “When people come near me, they get hurt. Monica, for example.”
“What happened to Monica isn’t your fault.”
“Of course, it’s my fault. It’s all my fault.”
“How so?”
“She asked me to stay with her, and I said no. I told her I wouldn’t choose her. And then, she overdosed because I wasn’t there.”
“No,” I said sternly. “She overdosed because she made a choice to use drugs. That’s not your fault. None of this is your fault.”
He flinched a little and lowered his head to stare at the floor.
“I didn’t kiss that girl.”
The words rolled off his tongue so gently that I wasn’t sure he even spoke them. For a split second, I thought I’d lost my mind and was hoping he’d said it.
But then, his head rose back up, and his blues locked with my browns, and he gave me that broken smile of his.
“Why did you lie?”
“Because you deserve more than me. I did it so you wouldn’t love me anymore.”
“Well,” I gently laughed and tried to keep my emotions in check. “It didn’t work.”
He scooted his chair closer to me and placed his forehead against mine as he closed his eyes, too. We were so close that I could have moved my lips an inch higher, and I’d had been kissing those lips of his. His breaths were brushing against my cheeks, and my heart was pounding wildly against my chest.
“Chick,” he muttered.
“Satan,” I replied.
“Tell me you don’t love me.”
“I can’t do that.”
“Yes, you can. Tell me you don’t love me. Please,” he begged. His lips brushed against mine as shivers raced through me.
“No.”
“Then tell me a lie,” he pleaded.
“I hate you.” I breathed the words against his lips, and he swallowed them whole, as if they were the way to his existence.
“I hate you, too,” he lied back to me, making a tear roll down my cheek.
“But I hate you the most,” I swore.
“I love you,” he told me, gently kissing my lips. It was so gentle that it almost felt like fiction. Like something I’d written about in my stories. Like a dream that finally came true.
“I love you, too.”
“But I love you the most,” he promised, and I felt it. I felt his love all throughout me. In my heart, in my soul, in my spirit. I also knew how hard it was for him to admit that. I knew Landon was sad. So, so sad, and so, so broken. And still, he loved me. That probably terrified the hell out of him.
“What are you doing here?!” a voice hissed, this time toward Landon.
He quickly stood and cleared his throat. “Mr. and Mrs. Cole, hi.” He brushed his hand against his forehead and didn’t make eye contact with them. “I heard about your daughter and wanted to make sure she was okay.”
Monica’s parents.
That made sense. She didn’t look like them at all, but that wasn’t shocking. I was sure she looked more like her mother at some point in time before all of the plastic surgery.
“That is none of your business,” Mrs. Cole barked. “It’s probably because of you that she’s in the state she is! You’ve always been dragging our daughter into troubled waters, and now it finally reached the limit. Our poor Monica is here because of you and your bad influence.”
“You’re probably the one who gave her the drugs she overdosed on. This is your fault,” Mr. Cole hissed. His words were coated in hate, which only made me despise
him more.
“What? No, it’s not!” I started, but Landon placed a hand in front of me to stop my words. It wasn’t fair, though. He was being attacked left and right for things he had no part in. He wasn’t the villain of this story; he was the hero. Yet, everyone was showing up with pitchforks, chasing after him while shouting, “Kill the beast!”
Their hatred was misguided and misdirected. They should’ve been calling themselves out for being crappy parents.
“You need to leave this place,” Mr. Cole ordered Landon. “And you need to stay the hell away from our daughter. If I ever see you near her again, I will have the cops so far up your ass that you’ll never be able to come back to this town. Now go.”
“What’s the matter with you people?” I cried, feeling so angry for Landon. I couldn’t imagine what my brain would do if I had full-grown adults hollering at me about how terrible I was as a person. I wanted to rage for him. I wanted to defend him time and time again, every single second that a nasty comment was made toward him.
But he wouldn’t let me.
He refused to allow me into the murky waters to fight his battle.
“It’s okay, Shay. I’m fine. I’m going to go,” he whispered before turning toward Monica’s parents. “Mr. and Mrs. Cole, I am sorry for what you’re going through. I hope your daughter is okay. Again, I’m sorry…for everything.”
His voice cracked before he headed off toward the exit.
I went to hurry after him, and his mother gripped my arm, stopping me. “Let him go, girl. Isn’t it clear to you yet that he’s troubled? Don’t you see the damage he’s done?”
I ripped my arm away from her. “Don’t you see the damage you’ve done, Mrs. Cole?” I turned to the two adults who were acting more like children. “You’re all wrong about him. He’s not a monster; he’s not damaged…he’s good. He’s so good, kind, and gentle. Yet you all are so wrapped up in your fictional stories of who he is that you won’t even open your eyes to the truth.”
I hurried off in Landon’s direction, and when I spotted him, I was quick to call out to him.
He turned around slowly with his hands stuffed in his jeans pockets. “What are you doing?” he asked.
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