This time, I closed my eyes.
I headed to the swimming pool after Maria left and climbed up the diving board ladder. I sat on the edge of it, gripping the sides with both hands. I looked down at the gleaming water as it waved ever so slightly back and forth.
The past few weeks had been hard. Harder than I thought they could’ve been. I wondered if that was how Lance had felt before he took his life. I wondered how far his mind was gone before he took that plunge.
There was a heavy fear in my stomach as I sat on the diving board. I hadn’t climbed it since Lance had taken his life. On that very board was where my uncle held his last thoughts. Where he took his last breaths. Where he let go.
I didn’t want to be like him.
I didn’t want to let go.
But I was so fucking sad that my heart felt as if it was trying to claw its way out of my damn chest.
Still, I didn’t want to let go.
Tears started falling down my cheeks as I sat there, thinking about Lance, thinking about me, and thinking about the parallels that we shared in our lives. Then, I thought of Shay’s words in those notebooks. How she called me my own person. How she swore I was unique, how she said I didn’t have to walk in the footsteps of my past loved ones.
Then, I thought of Maria and the promise she had me make to her.
“I’m not him,” I told myself. “I’m not Lance. I’m not him. I’m not him…I’m…not…him…”
I blinked my eyes shut and took a few deep inhalations.
Then, I opened my eyes, reached into my pocket, and pulled out my cell phone. I dialed a number rapidly, and when it started ringing, I let out a breath.
“Hey, Mom.”
“Hey, Landon. You okay?” Mom asked quickly. There must’ve been something off in my voice based on how quick she was to ask me if I was okay.
“I, um…” I cleared my throat and scratched the back of my neck. “No. I’m not okay. I…I need you.”
Her voice became alarmed, and I heard her start ruffling around. “Okay, okay. I’m coming, honey. I’m coming. Are you at home?”
“Yes.”
“Stay there, sweetheart. I’m booking a plane ticket now. I’m on my way to you.”
“Thanks, Mom.”
“Always, baby. Always, always, always. I love you, I love you,” she told me.
“I love you, I love you,” I replied.
Mom called Greyson to come sit with me until she made it home. Greyson called Eric. Eric called Hank. Hank came with Raine.
I climbed down the diving board, and the four of them wrapped their arms around me and held onto me so tight. I cried into their arms like a fucking child, but they didn’t mock me or laugh at my weakness.
They simply held on stronger.
It blew my mind how people unrelated to me could still be my brothers and sisters. Maybe not by blood, but by heart. Something had to be said about friends who never left your side, even when your storm was wild enough to strike their souls, too.
“I’m sorry I’m so fucked up, you guys,” I sniffled, feeling embarrassed by my breakdown.
“Hey, man.” Eric patted me on the back and shrugged. Then, he offered me the words I’d given him a few weeks back. “Whatever you are is good enough for us.”
I didn’t deserve them. I didn’t deserve their love.
But still, they gave it freely.
31
Shay
“Landon asked me to give you this letter,” Mima said after she returned from his place. I was glad that my grandmother checked in on him every Sunday. I had a feeling he needed it a lot that afternoon.
She handed me over a folded piece of paper. “Now, just to be clear, I read the letter, because I am a nosy grandmother and I worry about the two of your hearts. You mean the world to me, sweetheart, and so does Landon. He’s a good boy. A little banged up around the edges, but still worth loving.”
“He’s really broken, isn’t he, Mima?”
“Oh, honey…we’re all a little broken. If you think anyone in this world doesn’t have cracks, scars, and a story, then you’re not looking close enough. We weren’t brought into this world to be perfect; we were brought here to be human. To live. To feel. To hurt. To love. To cry. To exist. And with that, comes a few broken parts. You don’t have to be perfect to love or be loved. You just have to be brave enough to show the world your scars and call them beautiful.”
“I love him.”
“Yes, and once you read that letter, I think it will be pretty clear that he loves you, too. I want to warn you. Some of those words are hard, but I beg you to keep reading. The ending will always be worth the hard middle.”
She left me alone with the pages. I walked over to the couch, sat down, and as I crossed my legs, I began reading Landon’s mind.
Chick,
Reading that word was enough to make my chest tighten with nerves. I pushed myself to continue, even though I was afraid of what was coming next. Afraid of what his words would tell me, afraid of what his truths would reveal.
I hate myself, and that’s my truth.
Each day, I wake up and wonder why I’m here. Why I’m fighting each day when everything feels hopeless. I wonder what the point is, and that scares me. I struggle to get out of bed, to exist in a way that looks normal to others. When we first began our bet, you told me that I was fake, and that’s the truest thing I’ve ever been called.
I am fake.
I fake being popular.
I fake loving parties.
I fake being content with life.
I fake fitting in.
I am fake through every fiber of my soul, except for a small corner that’s real solely for you.
I love myself when I’m with you. Each day I wake up and think of you, and I know why I’m here. I know why I’m fighting each day when everything feels hopeless. I know what the point is and that scares me. It scares me how much I love myself when I’m with you, because what will happen when you’re gone? Will I struggle to get out of bed? Will I struggle to exist in a way that looks normal to others? Will I be okay without you around?
It kills me, Shay. It kills me how I break down, how I crumble under the smallest ounce of pressure. It kills me that I snap so easily and have all this rage inside of me that I’m not sure how to control. It kills me that I hurt you.
I hate me for hurting you.
You are the realest thing in my life, and I had to push you away, because I don’t think I’m what you need. What you deserve.
I never kissed that girl, and I hope you believe me. I knew I’d have to make it seem that way for you to really not want to have anything to do with me. Still, you showed up at the hospital with arms wide open. Still, you love me. So, I figured I should tell you my hardest truths.
When I was younger, I thought about ending my life. I don’t know if you recall, but I went through a pretty ugly duckling season. In sixth grade, I was bullied pretty badly, and I would come home crying every night. My mom was so worried about me, which was why she quit her traveling job in order to be home with me. The bullying was bad, though, and I didn’t know how to deal with my thoughts and emotions in an appropriate way. Everything felt so wild and intense in my head that I’d get panic attacks.
That was the first time I cut myself.
That was the first time I told my mom I thought about ending my life.
It never really got easier; I just got stronger. Physically, at least. Emotionally and mentally, I was still a wreck. Working out became my outlet, and my parents got me on some anti-depression medications. They work a little. Not as much as I would like, but thankfully I don’t have those urges to hurt myself anymore.
I picked up drinking and drugs to quiet my mind a little more. I tried to push the bad thoughts so far down that I’d almost forget they were there. It worked until it didn’t. Then, after losing Lance to an overdose, I knew I couldn’t keep down that line. Even though I loved my uncle, I didn’t want to end up like his sto
ry. I didn’t want to follow his path.
I went cold turkey, and then came you.
You threw me for a loop. You brought light into a world that I thought would always be encompassed with shadows. You made me wish and hope and dream of a future I never really thought about.
I don’t want to die, Shay.
For the first time in my life, I want to live. I want to find a way to feel alive on my own. The way I feel when I’m around you is how I want to feel when I am alone. I want to sit in the darkness and be okay with the sound of my own heartbeats. I want to not struggle to get out of bed. I want to be okay with being by myself.
And then, I want to have you.
I want all of you, Shay, but not like this.
I want to get my mind right first, fix myself, so I can be yours.
So, this is my formal letter to let you know that I’m working to never be fake again.
I won’t fake being popular.
I won’t fake loving parties.
I won’t fake being content with life.
I won’t fake fitting in.
It will be real. I’ll be real first for me, and then for you.
After I’m done with this, I’m planning on reaching out to my mom for help. I’m going to get help. I want to get better. I want this life more than I ever thought I could, and that’s because of you.
You awakened my spirit after so many nightmares, and for that, I owe you the world.
I love you.
-Landon.
P.S.
I love you.
I said it once so you’d hear me.
Twice to leave an imprint.
I sat back on the couch, feeling a rush of emotions racing through me. Yet, the one that stood out the most was the fact that he said he was going to get help. That alone made me cry. It took a strong man to admit to needing a hand.
I pulled out my phone and sent him a message.
Me: How’s your heart tonight?
It took him a few hours to answer, but relief swept through me as my phone dinged later that night.
Landon: Still beating.
32
Landon
Shay: Meet me at the willows.
I read her text over and over again. Mom had been home for a few days, sorting things out for me. I was going to take a year off from college and work on my mental health. Dad flipped out when he heard the news, but Mom stood by my side through and through.
“Hey, I’m going to go see someone really quick if that’s okay,” I told Mom as she sat at the dining room table, fumbling through paperwork. She’d been very protective of me since she got back, not allowing me to be alone for too long. She even went as far as trying to pull her mattress into my bedroom to sleep on in order to keep me from being on my own.
“Where to? Who are you seeing?”
“Just to the park to see Shay.”
She raised an eyebrow, and a small smirk appeared on her lips. “Shay? That’s the girl?”
I nodded.
She bit her bottom lip and narrowed her eyes. “Are you sure you’re okay to be going off on your own? I can come with you and wait in the car…”
“Mom. I’m good. I swear.” I understood why she was worried, though. The last few days had been hard. I couldn’t imagine being a parent dealing with a sad child. The blame I would’ve placed on myself would’ve been so heavy. But the truth of the matter was, just having her near was enough to quiet the loudest parts of me sometimes. I was lucky to have Mom at my side.
Though, still, she probably thought the worst of the worst about my mental state.
So, to give her a bit of ease, I shrugged. “But if you drove me, that would be fine, too.”
A small breath slipped through her lips. “Okay, yes. I can do that. Of course.”
She grabbed her keys, and we headed out of the house.
Me: On my way.
The first time I came to the two willows with Shay, it was still wintertime. All of the flowers were now fully bloomed, the trees were covered in vibrant green leaves, and the sun kissed everything around it. Everything looked so alive.
I headed down the pathway toward the two trees and smiled when I saw Shay standing there.
“Hey, Chick.” I grinned.
“Hey, Satan.”
Seconds later, we were in each other’s embrace. I breathed her in, never wanting to let her go. Her head was nestled in my neck, and her gentle breaths brushed against my skin.
I was almost certain I’d spend the rest of my life smiling whenever I was near her. She had a way of pulling them out of me.
We sat right in front of the willows, staring up at people’s love stories, wondering what to make of our own. Truth was, there was still so much to discover about ourselves. About who we were as individuals, and who we were as a couple.
“I’ve read your letter a million times so far,” she explained. “I still cry each time.”
I snickered. “That’s funny, because I’ve read your notebooks a million times, too.” I sat up straighter. “Didn’t cry, because I’m a manly man,” I joked, even though I cried like a fucking baby getting booster shots.
“Mima told me your mom is back in town,” she said.
“Yeah. She’s actually waiting for me in the car right now. She doesn’t let me too far out of her viewpoint anymore.”
“She sounds like a good mama.”
“Only the best.”
I looked up at the two willows as the leaves danced back and forth. I clasped my hands together. “A few years ago, I was on one of those stupid field trips to a farm. I was probably high as a kite, and my mind wasn’t the most stable in the world, but I remember seeing this chicken with a bunch of baby chicks running around with her. They were so little. Pure and beautiful. There was something about them that stood out to me. Something that reminded me of you. The next day at school, I called you Chick, and you hated every second of it, but I loved it, because whenever I called you that nickname, I knew a part of me was calling you pure and beautiful.”
Her cheeks reddened a little as she tilted her head toward me. “Do you know why I called you Satan?” she asked.
“No. Why?”
“Because I thought you were the freaking devil.”
I laughed out loud. “Fair enough.”
“So, what’s the plan? What’s going on with you?”
This was the part of the conversation I was dreading the most. “My mom’s making plans for me to get better treatment. We are going to switch around my medications, too, to see what works best with me.”
“That’s good, Landon. That’s great.”
“Yeah. She even found this amazing therapist that I’m going to start going to maybe. I mean, she’s no Mrs. Levi, but she will do.”
Shay smiled ear to ear. “I’m so proud of you for reaching out for help. For being open to that avenue. A lot of people are afraid to even speak up.”
“Yeah. It’s hard, but I’m trying.” I grimaced and lowered my head as I fiddled with my fingers. “There’s just one problem.”
“What’s that?”
“Everything my mom is planning is out in California.” Her jaw dropped slightly, and I cringed, seeing the disappointment hit her. I turned her way even more and took her hands into mine. “She has a friend who said we could stay with them out there, but we can look here if need be. We can find doctors out this way. I can figure out a way to get better and still be near you, Shay. Just tell me to stay, and I’ll stay.”
Her lips parted, and she shook her head. “I want to say those words. I want to be selfish and tell you to stay here with me so we can be an us, but I can’t do that. Truth is, if you stay, I’ll love you. If you go, I’ll love you even more. Because that would be you doing something for yourself. Your healing is of the utmost importance here, Landon. And if the best doctors are out there in California, then that’s where you should go. And also, you’ll be able to be with your mom more often.”
I lowered my head, b
ecause I knew she was right. I needed my mom right now. Maybe more than I ever needed her before. And in order for me to be the person I wanted to be for Shay, I needed to figure out this head of mine. I needed to learn how I worked.
Shay raised my hands to her mouth and kissed my palms. “This is a good thing, even though it feels a little sad.”
“I didn’t know good things could be sad.”
“Yes…” She gave me a halfway grin. “But I always knew that sad things could be good. You’re living proof of that. Let’s make a promise to each other. When you find you, come back here,” she said, placing her hand over her heart. “Come back to me. But please, by all means, take your time. I’ll be here, I swear. I want you to find me, but not at the chance of you losing yourself. Take your time. Heal.
“Find yourself, lose yourself, then find yourself again. Do some soul searching, Landon. Go deep. Laugh, cry, discover. Do some digging, but don’t you dare rush this. Don’t you dare try to skip a few steps in your healing to just get back to me. I’m here. I’m here today, I’ll be here tomorrow. But, Landon, please…” she whispered, placing a hand on my cheek. Her forehead fell against mine, and my lips brushed against hers as she spoke the most important words into my soul. “Go slow.”
33
Shay
Greyson decided to throw Landon a going away party, which was pretty intimate. Only Landon’s core group—the fantastic four (+Raine) and I came. Along with Mima and Landon’s mother. Somehow, that was enough love to fill a stadium.
The party was lighthearted, filled with a lot of laughter and smiling.
Mima cooked the food for the party and said a prayer over the meal. Then, during dinner, Raine stood to give a speech.
“Okay, okay, I will keep this short and sweet, because I did my makeup and I don’t feel like crying off my mascara. But I wanted to raise a glass to Landon Scott Harrison—one of the most complex, intriguing boys I’d ever come across. I know we aren’t family, but I look at you as a little brother to me.”
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