by Alex Raizman
“Lamppost!” she called a minute later.
“Thanks,” Ryan said again, with another course correction.
“Extreme rudeness!”
“Huh?” Ryan stopped dead on the sidewalk, looking at Athena in bewilderment.
“Actually, you’ve already run into that one. I find this modern habit of blissfully ignoring the world around you extremely irritating.”
Ryan signed. “Athena. Correct me if I’m wrong, but didn’t you say that you had no idea what the Church of Adversity really is?”
“Yes.”
“And didn’t you say that we should try to find out as much as we could before this meeting?”
“Yes.”
“And didn’t you also say that we should have the meeting as soon as possible?”
“What is your point?”
“My point is that if we’re going to do all of that at once, then you’re going to have to deal with me being a little bit rude.”
Athena frowned. “Well, then, how much longer will you need to find the answers we want?”
Ryan took a moment to savor his small victory, and then admitted, “I think I’ve pretty much got it.”
“Well, then?”
Ryan’s grin grew to a broad smile. The walking and researching had done wonders to disperse the fear he’d felt from the freaky email. Plus, the chance to be the one who knew something for once was immensely gratifying.
“They’re kind of like New Wave Satanists,” he said.
Athena gave him a patient look.
“Right. So a couple years ago, the Church of Adversity popped up, with their Heresiarch Amy Preston. She claimed that Lucifer had abdicated his throne to some mortal named Arthur. That Hell was under new management. Their whole thesis is that you should enjoy life, and you’ll get to go to Hell.”
Athena furrowed her eyebrows. “And people think that’s a good thing?”
Ryan shrugged. “Like I said, Hell’s under new management. Apparently, he’s retooled the entire place to basically be an amusement park mixed with a club mixed with…well, pretty much everything that can be fun. If you wind up in Hell, the only way you’re getting eternal torment is if you actually did awful things. According to the Heresiarch, a bunch of people were going there that didn’t deserve it. People who’d committed minor sins that still barred them from the pearly gates. Premarital sex, minor thefts, things like that which shouldn’t get you eternal torment. So now it gets you an awesome party, and the real sins – murder, rape, genocide, the actual awful stuff – are given the real eternal torment.”
“And who is this Arthur?” Athena seemed genuinely curious.
“Some random guy who worked at a restaurant, got hit by a car. Apparently, he got to be King of Hell because he was next in line. Nothing special about him, he just picked up the winning lotto ticket.” Ryan frowned for a moment. “I can kinda relate to that, I guess.”
Athena motioned for him to continue.
“Well, I’m not the Eschaton because there’s anything special about me, right? I’m just the poor asshole that found the last nanoverse. Only instead of getting to be King of Hell, I get to be…the guy who ends the world.”
“Ah. I see.” Athena’s interest had waned.
“It’s an interesting countermovement that’s gaining popularity. Nega Christians. Instead of being saved by grace – which they claim can actually get you perks, like wealth or health or something like that, you sell your soul. Go to Hell instead of Heaven. Of course, I don’t believe in any of it.”
Athena’s interest returned. “Any of what?”
“Heaven, Hell, angels, demons, all that.”
“Oh.” Athena frowned. “Well, you should. They’re very real.”
Ryan stopped dead in his tracks. “I’m sorry, come again?”
“Heaven and Hell are real, Ryan. Most afterlives are.” Athena furrowed her eyebrows. “Wait. So you’ve accepted that you’re a god now, and you know you read that email because some force outside your control made you read it, but you’re struggling with the afterlife?”
“I mean…that means humans have a soul, right?”
“Of course they do. Why do you think some gods can draw power from human sacrifice? A soul is an incredible source of divine power. That’s part of how your nanoverse grants you power, Ryan – it’s full of souls.”
Ryan felt himself turn pale. “Wait, so I’m…what, destroying souls when I use my nanoverse?”
“Why do you go to the worst possible scenario? No, Ryan, you don’t harm them. You just take a tiny bit of power, but it has billions. And souls have to go somewhere. In our universe, they get powered by their own beliefs. If you believe in Heaven or Hell, that’s where you go. Hades? That’s where you go. If you believe in reincarnation? You’ll do it. That’s why Underworld gods work differently than the rest of us.”
“They do what?” Ryan was already missing being the one who had the answers. Just for one hour. I couldn’t have kept the damn feeling for one hour.
Athena had her best ‘I’m being very patient with how little you know’ voice on. “Underworld gods don’t have nanoverses. They have afterlives. They draw power from the souls of the dead within. Instead of squeezing their nanoverse for power, they sit on their thrones.”
Ryan had so many questions, but tried to limit himself. “So…what, is Satan real? Is he going to be coming for Amy? For us?”
Athena shook her head. “No.” Ryan breathed a sigh of relief that was cut short with Athena’s next sentence. “Oh, no, he’s very real, but I doubt he’ll be our problem. Angels, even Fallen ones, operate under more rules than we do. Less free will. And he’s busy - there’s a civil war in hell right now. I’m assuming this Arthur is behind it. I just didn’t know the details.” Athena resumed walking, leaving Ryan to catch up once he’d picked his jaw back up off the floor.
“So, this whole thing…we’re actually dealing with someone with real power here?”
“Oh, absolutely. As if the email trick wasn’t giving it away.” Athena said, her voice growing a shade grim. “On top of having power drawn from the souls of Hell, Arthur likely has the same gifts Lucifer did. Angels are in a different class than us, Ryan. Fighting them isn’t suicide, but they don’t get tired, they don’t have Hungers, and they manipulate reality like we do. Unlike us, however, it’s instinctive for them. No thought required.”
Ryan took a deep breath. “Okay, that sounds bad, but-”
“And,” Athena continued, “on top of that, fallen angels – which Arthur must have the power of – can make deals with mortals to bring wishes true in exchange for their souls. Within limits. Oh, and he would command all of Hell’s demons.”
“Demons?”
“Demons are too much? That’s where you draw the line?”
Ryan sighed. “Kinda, yeah. I mean, everything else so far was fitting together. Gods and nanoverse and-“
“And Curators? Where did they fit in?” Athena tilted her head.
“I…okay, I have no idea.”
Athena nodded. “There’s much more to the universe than you know, Ryan. Once you think you know how it works, assume you’re about to find out how wrong you are.”
And, leaving Ryan with that thought to chew on, she walked into the building, Ryan on her heels.
The main office for Amy Preston, Heresiarch of the Church of Adversity, wasn’t what Ryan expected. To be fair, it was Ryan’s first time going to any entity’s church since all this had started. For that matter, he hadn’t been inside even a Christian church since he and Isabel had buried their parents. He didn’t have much to base his expectations on. Still, if he had tried to imagine the office of the High Priestess of Hell, he would have imagined something grand and decadent, probably filled with attractive and half naked young people engaging in depraved acts.
He did not imagine Suite 113 of a fairly nice and upscale office building, with a neat little sign informing you of the occupant’s name and title.
/> They were greeted by a receptionist, a perky blonde young man with a name tag that read “Cam.” Cam stood up to shake their hands. “Athena and Ryan, right? So sorry to have to ask you to wait for a moment, the Heresiarch is on a call with the Governor of Alabama right now. Can I get you anything? Food, drink, anything at all?”
Ryan almost shook his head, but his stomach chose that moment to remind him he still had pending hungers that remain unfulfilled. “Sure,” he said, “I’ll have whatever you have.”
Cam gave him an enigmatic smile. “Oh, I understand. But tell me, what do you really want? If you could have anything right now, what would it be?”
Ryan thought for a moment. Why not play along and see where Cam was taking this? “I’d love a Philly cheesesteak.”
“One moment.” Cam blinked and vanished in a cloud of yellow smoke. Ryan recoiled in shock and at the sudden disappearance, glancing over at Athena. At least her eyes were wide too. “Was he - was that a demon?” Ryan asked.
“Must have been.” Athena looked around for a moment, as if expecting Cam to reappear behind her.
Oh crap oh crap did I just sell my soul for a Philly Cheesesteak? “Did he turn invisible?” Ryan asked.
Athena shook her head. “Seeing through invisibility is easy. No, it appears he teleported.”
“Teleported? But where did he -”
Before the word “go” could leave Ryan’s lips, the smell of sulfur faded, and Cam reappeared. He bowed his head slightly and sprayed some air freshener before offering Ryan the most delicious looking cheesesteak sandwich he had ever seen. “Straight from the kitchens below.”
Concerned, Ryan took a moment to look at the sandwich with his divine sight. The equations surrounding it told him it was exactly what it looked like. Cam, on the other hand, was not exactly human. You just watched him bounce to Hell and back, is that a surprise? “Did I just sell my soul for a sandwich?” Ryan asked, his heart still pounding.
Cam laughed. “Oh, no. This one is on the house. We can do small things gratis.” He paused and shrugged. “Plus, why would we want to buy your soul? You’re an immortal, so it would be ages until we could claim it.”
Ryan shuddered at the thought, but the smell was too good. Unable to resist, Ryan took the sandwich from Cam’s hand, took a bite, and let his taste buds take a trip into the wonders of a Hell-made cheesesteak.
Athena studied Cam a moment longer as Ryan took another bite of the best cheesesteak sandwich on the planet. “Cam. Short for Cambion, I take it?” she asked.
He chuckled, that overly friendly chuckle usually reserved for managers, politicians, and used car salesmen. “They don’t call you the goddess of wisdom for nothing, do they? Yes, I’m a Cambion, and since our true names make us very vulnerable, I just go by my type.”
“Whaff a Cambion?” Ryan asked, the words distorted by the lump of sandwich.
“We’re the result of a human-demon hybridization. Most of us have succubi or incubi for parents - my dad was an incubus, mom was a normal mortal.” He smiled widely as Ryan polished off his food. “Amy just let me know she’s wrapping up. This way, please?”
He led the two of them back behind the reception area and opened the door to Amy’s personal office. She still had a phone to her ear, and held up an apologetic “one moment” finger. Her phone voice was chipper and friendly. “Look, the fact of the matter is you’re impugning on our religious freedom. I’d prefer to resolve this without getting the law involved, Governor, but if you don’t drop this ban I’m going to take the entire ACLU, turn it sideways, and shove it up your ass so far you’ll vomit lawyers.” She paused, letting the man on the other end scream for a bit. “I tried being polite, and that didn’t work. This is me starting to get impolite. But insult me like that again and I’ll take it personally, and you won’t like how I resolve personal conflicts. Remove the ban by Monday or legal action is coming.” She hung up the phone without waiting for a response. “So, so sorry. Some people seem to think that because our religion is new, we don’t get the same protections as others.”
She offered a hand to Athena, then Ryan. Same order as Cam. Ryan had to wonder if they were deliberately acknowledging seniority with the handshakes. While shaking Ryan’s hand, she continued. “If you decide you want to start building a religion around yourself, we’ll be happy to share our experience cutting through the red tape. Please, have a seat.”
They both did so, Ryan finding the woman’s energy infectious. You also found her email infectious. With that thought her good nature took on a more sinister undercurrent, the charisma she exuded suddenly seemed dark and unnerving. She was only about five feet tall with short, curly hair - again, not what Ryan expected from someone running what was basically Hell’s Church on Earth. He returned her smile after trying to make sure he was reacting of his own free will. Be careful, Ryan. There is a demon in the waiting room, and the woman across from you is comfortable with demons and, worse, politicians. Don’t underestimate her. “You’d help a competitor?”
“We’ll help anyone who needs help. It won’t be free, of course - we don’t do anything for free - but I think you’ll find our prices are reasonable.” She glanced at Athena. “That goes for you too, of course, although you’re already more established, so you won’t have all the same hurdles.”
Athena just nodded. “I do not desire worshippers,” she said after a moment. Her tone was cautious. Ryan had figured Athena would be as suspicious of Amy as he should be, and it was good to see he’d been right. And hey, she’s the knowledgeable one, if she’s suspicious, there must be something to worry about. Then again, she’d been suspicious of him all those...had it only been two days ago? Without the need for sleep, or the need to eat or drink or really anything that tied you to your biological clock, and constantly hopping between universes, Ryan was rapidly losing any sense of time in the normal sense.
Amy met the dour response without flinching. “Fair enough. Although you might want to talk to Hades at some point - worshippers might start working in all of your favor again in the near future.”
Athena’s eyes narrowed. “Hades is locked away in the depths of his realm, only able to travel to Purgatory and back, same as most other Underworld deities.”
“For now.” Amy’s eyes sparkled, but she chose not to elaborate. “Of course, you all can use your nanoverses to hop where ever you want to go, even into an afterlife or seven, right?”
Ryan looked to Athena, who nodded.
“Good, because that’s what I wanted to talk about. How we can help each other.” Amy leaned forward. “My boss isn’t happy with the way things work downstairs. He doesn’t like that you get tortured for eternity for things like ‘promiscuity’ and ‘lying too much’ or other such nonsense. He’s changed Hell for the better - it’s a party down there, unless you’re the kind of sinner who really deserves torment - murderers, rapists, child molesters, the people that no one cares about getting eternal suffering. You both should come visit at some point.” She smiled, and unlike Cam, the smile did reach her eyes, causing them to sparkle.
“Perhaps,” Athena said. When she glanced at Ryan, he could only shrug. Visit hell? Visit hell? No way. Even if what she’s saying is true...it’s hell.
Amy nodded like she had expected the noncommittal answer. “Look, guys, I’m not going to bullshit you and say I’m on your side. But you want to stop Enki from doing whatever shady shit he’s pulling, and we want to stop Heaven from turning Hell back into a billions-served torture chamber. We like the idea of stopping Enki, and I imagine you two like the idea of not seeing billions tortured for minor infractions?”
Ryan pursed his lips but nodded. “Why do you care about stopping Enki, though? I mean, it’s so far been a ‘he said, she said’ in the media, right?”
“Oh, totally.” Amy grinned. “But we know he’s lying about one thing, by claiming you’re the Antichrist. So if he’s caught in one lie, no reason to believe he’s doing anything other than trying to feed
us a complete line of bullshit. Even if that wasn't enough, Arthur doesn't like people trying to blame stuff on Hell. Bad for image management."
After a moment’s thought, both Ryan and Athena's heads moved in agreement. It makes sense. It’s a nice, straightforward, clear cut answer. But the fact that it’s coming from someone who works for Hell...Ryan was still reeling from the idea that Heaven and Hell were real. That some normal dude was in charge of it. That all that happened because Satan needed a holiday and abdicated his throne. He found himself bluescreening again, and Athena had to pick up the conversation.
"So, what, exactly, does Arthur offer us? And what does he want in return?"
"Straight to business, then." Amy leaned forward again, pressing the tips of her fingers together. "For starters, we can help you with your little 'Antichrist' problem. Publicly announce you are in no way affiliated with us, that your actions speak for you and you alone. With a subtle push to get people to take it seriously."
"You mean some kind of mind control?" Ryan didn't realize how sharp the question was until it came out of his mouth, but he couldn't help but remember his overwhelming need to check that email.
