He has my body. God, does he have that, but my heart isn’t buying it. It’s still battling with my head, and even I don’t know which one will win. I don’t know which one I want to win. The problem with leaving the way I did is that I never got answers. On the flip side there is nothing he could’ve said at that specific time that I would have accepted.
I leave the stage, followed by my personal shadows also known as Aiden and Seth, and walk over to one of the catering trucks that pulled up a couple of minutes ago. The volunteers from each organization clamber for space in the lines. The two security guards create a bubble forcing most of the people to give me a wide berth. We maneuver to the back of the line because I already stand out with the guys looming over me, I don’t want to look like I’m trying to cut the line. Also we’ll be ordering three meals, which is a quick way to piss off someone standing in line. The line is steadily growing. At this rate, we’ll need to get back to the hotel before I get food.
“Excuse me,” a woman says to Seth. I turn toward the familiar voice and the past crashes painfully with the present. Tina Taylor is exactly the way I remember her—flawless makeup, sparkling blue eyes, and long blond hair that looks like a crown of gold in the sunlight. But unlike the last time I saw her, she’s clothed and awake, looking at me around the shoulders of my security guard.
My feet kick in before my mind does, and I immediately take a step back, bumping into Aiden.
“You know her, Sin?” he asks. His concerned gaze takes in the panic on my face. I knew her a long time ago or at least I thought I did.
“Ah… yeah. Yeah. We were roommates in undergrad.” At that explanation, Seth and Aiden fall back, allowing Tina into my bubble.
“Sinclair. It’s… I… It’s really good to see you.” The words tumble out of her mouth and hang in the air between us, pregnant with our shared history and sadness. I just want her gone. I don’t care where, as long as it’s far, far away in a place where she will never be seen or heard from again. That’s how it works in the fairy tales, right? The good girl wins, the bad girl disappears into oblivion.
“No. It’s really not.”
She winces. “I can believe that. If I were you, I’d feel the same way. I can’t imagine what you must’ve thought.”
“You were always a smart girl, Tina. I’m fairly positive you knew exactly what I would think.”
She doesn’t answer but the red flush creeping up her neck and staining her cheeks is answer enough.
“I just… I wanted to tell you face-to-face that… I’m sorry. For… everything. We were all so young. It seems like a lifetime ago.” She clears her throat, her nervous hands fidget with the seam of her jeans.
Sorry? I almost laugh at how inadequate that word is for an apology. Sorry is what you say when you lose the remote or take the last piece of cake. Not when you played a role in destroying two, possibly three, lives. “A lifetime ago? It doesn’t feel that way to me.”
“Sin, please.”
“Please what? Pretend that you weren’t the skanky snake lying in my grass, waiting to slither into my bed? Forgive you for playing a role in shattering any dreams I had with that man? What exactly are you saying please to?” I look her up and down. My eyes settle on the big rock on her ring finger and I get it. This isn’t about me. “Or do you want absolution because you’re a married woman, and you’re afraid of past sins coming to back to haunt your future?”
Her face pales, and I know that I hit a sore spot. Oh, how the tables have turned. Now and then I’ve wondered what her life looked like after she helped to destroy mine. Now I have my answer.
“Look, I know that we can never be friends again. And I don’t blame you. I still want… I need… just let me make amends. If you’d be comfortable, we could meet somewhere and talk over coffee or something. For what it’s worth I’m sorrier than you’ll ever know.” Her eyes are as earnest as her words.
And I don’t care. I can’t. When I look at her, I still see her naked limbs twisted in my sheets around my man. I can easily recall the scrape of carpet against my knees as I crawled down the hall and the way my heart shattered as I put my clothes on and walked out the door.
Now she’s sorry. When I think about all the questions she used to ask about Jake, about our sex life, about how he was dealing with my long absences, I feel like an idiot. I gave her everything she needed to take my place. She wasn’t sorry when her treacherous ass told me that a man like Jake wasn’t the faithful type, or when she promised to keep an eye out. Let me know who was coming around. When it was her all along.
Of course, she’s sorry now, but her sorry is disingenuous. It’s a Hail Mary to the marriage gods to erase her karmic debt.
There are a couple of news reporters making their way over to our location, so I wrap her in a hug, putting my lips close to her ear, so no one and overhears me.
“You don’t get to tell me when and how I offer forgiveness,” I hiss. “Do you remember telling me that he could never love me? Do you?” I lean back and give her a pointed look before leaning back in, “Do you remember pointing out my lack of family and pedigree as a reason he couldn’t possibly want a life with me? I remember every ugly hateful thing you said to me under the guise of being my friend and how deep those words cut. You want me to accept your apology, Tina?” My arms tighten around her.
“I do, Sin. But if you’d just give me a chance to…”
“Well, you can’t have it.” Her entire body jerks with a deep breath. “Maybe you were right. Maybe Jake and I were a pipe dream, but it wasn’t up to you to make that decision for us. I hope it was worth it, Tina. I really do.”
I drop my arms and turn my back on her. I walk the short distance to the sidewalk curb and sit down. I’m so upset my hands are shaking. What is it about this city that drags all my skeletons out of the closet? I’ve avoided Las Vegas like the plague for the last couple of years, hoping the people in my old life would fade into the preverbal sunset. But no, those fuckers keep popping up everywhere I turn.
NOW
Jake
“Mr. Johnson, The Hotel is a community leader in many charitable functions. What made you branch out into Habitat for Humanity?” A reporter shoves a microphone in my face.
“We try to assess where our money and time can make the biggest impact. At this time, the board feels that Take Refuge could greatly benefit from our involvement.”
“I see that you brought along your ex-girlfriend, Sinclair James, for the run. Is her appearance here strictly professional or is this time together the first steps toward reconciliation?”
“Ms. James has a long history of volunteering her time to worthy causes. If The Hotel can act as a conduit to help her achieve her philanthropic goals, we’re happy to do so.”
I scan the space behind the reporter and see Sin hugging a woman who looks familiar. I can’t place where I know her from until they split apart. Tina wipes hands under her eyes and Sin is walking in the opposite direction past the work site.
I’ve only seen Tina a handful of times since the night the whole thing went down. For as big as the city has gotten, it’s still small in all the ways that count. Our families still haunt the same country clubs and restaurants. They go to the same church and are invited to the same weddings, so yeah, I see her.
She got married a couple of years after Sin left. As far as I know, she became the quintessential Vegas trophy wife. She’s wife number three or four. Her husband is an older man. I think he’s closer to my parent’s ages than hers. From what I hear, he has more than a couple of women on the side and takes no care to hide it from his wife.
“Thank you for coming out and supporting a good cause. If you’ll excuse me,” I say, shaking his hand as I try to follow Sin’s retreating form. When she disappears from my line of sight, I step around the reporter and jog in that direction.
It doesn’t take much to find her. She’s sitting on a low brick wall that separates the event from a busy street. Her feet swing a cou
ple of inches above the pavement, and she’s staring out at the cars speeding by, her two bodyguards casting long shadows from their positions on either side of her.
“Can you give us a sec, guys?” I ask as I move forward. They don’t acknowledge me. They never do. Not when they see me leaving at dawn, blurry eyed and tired. Or apparently now when they both heard private details of my very public breakup.
“Sin, we’ll be just over there if you need us.” The bigger one says. He doesn’t move until Sin nods. They move out of ear shot but are still close enough to respond if needed.
I hop on the wall next to her and bump her shoulder with mine. Come on, baby, give me those eyes. Talk to me. Tell me what she said. I want to demand answers, to beg her to ignore Tina, but before I can say anything, she starts talking.
“Did you know that Las Vegas is the only city that I’ve ever considered home?” she says still staring straight ahead. Okay, not what I was expecting but she’s talking, not yelling or crying or telling me to go fuck myself. So, I’ll take it.
“Have you lived in that many cities?” I ask. She cuts her eyes in a sidelong glance. Sometimes it feels like I’ve learned more about Sin by reading magazine articles and watching interviews. The fact I don’t know all the places she’s lived emphasizes how far the time and distance has stretched between us.
“But,” she continues as if I hadn’t spoken, “the day I found you with her, it was like my idea of home melted away in the Vegas heat, and I was just”—she finally turns her face to me fully—“adrift,” she says rubbing the pad of her thumb along her bottom lip.
No, I hadn’t known. There was so much that I’d never taken the time to understand. For as close as we’ve been, there was always a part of Sin I couldn’t touch. Parts she held back, kept hidden. I didn’t even realize she was holding out until I spent hours upon hours obsessing when she left.
I never get Sin raw or unfiltered. I get the carefully constructed persona. The driven creative. The sensual lover. I get glimpses into her depths but never the full picture. The only time she let’s go? Gives me everything is when we’re naked and sweaty and spent on each other.
In bed, we moved together in a syncopated rhythm that is as natural as it is powerful. We don’t need words or explanations. Our bodies speak the same language. There are never questions about how good it feels or what she needs because Sin can’t tell me anything that I don’t already know.
There we have no limits.
Outside of bed is different. I crave her secrets because I want to be more than a good fuck. I want to embed myself so deep she’ll feel me with every beat of her heart. I’m not satisfied with the facade anymore, and I don’t care how messy she is underneath. I want her to let go, to give it all to me, to trust I’ll hold her secrets with the same reverence I hold her body. I know I can be her lover, but what I crave is to be her best friend, I want all the things that Adam is privy to.
Let me see behind the curtain, baby. My eyes drill hers, willing her to read my thoughts.
“Did you know she was going to be here?” she asks.
I shake my head. “I haven’t had a full conversation with Tina in years. I bump into her every now and again, but when you left…”
Her eyes shutter closed and when they open, my heart starts to beat a little harder. Her gaze slips from mine back to the cars whizzing by us on the street.
I move my hand on top of hers, attempting to lace our finger, but she jerks away. Her reaction lets me know exactly where her head is, and I’m not gonna lie. It stings.
“Answer the question. Did you or did you not know Tina was going to be here?” Her voice is barely audible above the drone of cars in the background, but each syllable is sharp and pronounced.
“No, Sin,” I say giving her a definitive answer “I didn’t know she was going to be here,” This girl is tying me in knots. I may not know every city that she’s lived in, but I know she’s a runner, and right now she’s lacing up her shoes.
I jump off the wall to stand in front of her, but she keeps her eyes averted somewhere over my shoulder. I get closer until I’m standing between her legs. My hands glide up the soft skin of her thighs settling on her hips.
“I’m not going anywhere, baby, so you might as well give it up. Look at me, Sin.”
Look. At. Me. I squeeze the supple skin of her thighs until she turns her soulful brown eyes up to meet mine.
“When you first got here and treated me like some random off the street, I understood. Even though it hurt, I got it. I was all right because you were here, back in my space, close enough to touch, and I knew it was only a matter of time before I did.”
I wiggled my eyebrows up and down, and her lips kick up into a slight smile, those dimples I love pop and the knots in my chest began to ease.
“I can swallow my pride and push past all the bullshit because, for me, it’s you. When I thought all we’d have was one night, I took it gladly because here’s the thing. I want you any way that I can have you, and if that means sneaking into your villa like a teenager afraid of being caught by your parents, I’ll do that. If you need me to pretend like this is a casual fling, something to pass the time while you’re in town, I’ll be that. I take it as penance for my previous sins.” I lean down to her upturned face and press a chaste kiss on her lips.
“I’m not that guy you remember. The one that would’ve done some stupid shit like invite Tina and wait for you to push her aside and claim me as yours. You’re dealing with Jake 2.0. I don’t lie. I don’t cheat, and I won’t hurt you again. Believe me.” I kiss her again. “Believe in me,” I say against her lips.
“Pretty words don’t erase a disastrous past—”
I raise my hand up, interrupting “No it doesn’t, but bringing up the past at this point is nothing more than an excuse.”
“Fair enough.” She shrugs. “Then how about I’m not buying it. A leopard doesn’t change its spots.”
And there it is, I’m surprised it’s taken her this long to say it. The cliché statement that deals with broad strokes and worse case scenarios, instead of me. It is her way of erecting yet another wall between us, but this one has shoddy construction and is built on a crumbling foundation.
I own what I did. I won’t insult either one of us by pretending my actions were anything other than foul. But the excuse, and it is an excuse at this point, doesn’t hold water when I’ve been with her every night since I returned the guitar that was rightfully hers. I’ve had the pleasures of her body and the joy of her company. Nothing about those times have been anything less that spectacular.
It’s in those quiet moments that she’s vulnerable and open to me. When the singer is up on the shelf and the anger is put away. She doesn’t analyze if we’re possible or if we make sense because it obvious.
“Let’s go to the cabin up on Mount Charleston, get away from the city, and the summer heat, for the weekend,” I say, my hands moving farther up her thighs, and my fingertips edge just underneath the edge of her shorts.
She stares at me with a blank frown creasing skin between her eyebrows. “No.”
“Think about it, Sin. Me”—I edge the fingers of one hand a little farther up and scrape the edge of her panties—“you. Pine trees. A king-size bed. The closest cabin a mile away.” Her eyes melt just a little before she turns them to look at the guards.
“Jake,” she sighed. “I can’t disappear from my life. Not anymore.”
“Of course, you can. It’s one of the perks of being the boss. You get to call the shots.” I finally wedge my hand high enough to get my fingers under the edge of her panties. Oh, hell, she’s already wet. My fingers slip through the moisture, teasing her entrance. Her eyes shoot to mine and her hand curls around my wrist, preventing further movement.
“Come with me.” No pun intended. “It’ll be like old times. We’re worth fighting for. This,” I say leaning forward placing a stinging kiss on her lips, “is worth scaling the wall and slaying the fucking dr
agon.”
“Scaling the… You’re crazy? You know that, right?” But her eyes are dancing, and have I mentioned I love her dimples? Because I do. I really, really do.
“Do something crazy. Come with me,” I say on a breath somewhere between a groan and a plea.
“I don’t have clothes. No one knows…” I lean in and kiss her again, to stop the flow of words because her lips are so close and so soft. I do it because she’s in front of me and I can.
“That’s the point. No one has to know.”
I ease my hands from underneath her shorts and place them around her waist pulling her to her feet. Although she comes willingly into my arms, her body is stiff. I cup her cheek in the palm of my hand and tilt her head up until I’m looking directly into her eyes. I search her depths and, yeah, I see the hurt feelings and wariness but under all of that is something else.
Hope?
Love?
Some undercurrent of emotion that I can’t pinpoint or nail down, but I recognize. It’s that thing that makes her soften toward me. That thing that keeps her coming back for more, and I’ll be damned if I let Tina, our careers, or whatever other reasons she might conjure up take it away.
“Ride with me,” I say, trailing my fingers along the curve of her cheek. “And I swear I’ll make it worth your time.”
Her eyes flutter closed, and her chest moves up and down, making the tips of her breast graze my chest.
“Sex was always the easy part with us,” she says a little breathy.
“Get your mind out of the gutter, Sin,” I chide. “Not everything is about sex. Let’s hang out for the next couple of days. No expectations, no judgments. And when we get back, I want to take you out on a date, a real one. Hang out with the guys from your band. Wrap you in my arms at night and wake up wrapped in yours. I want to see you in the light of day because until I saw you sitting on that wall, I’d forgotten how beautiful you are under the rays of the sun.” I drop a soft kiss on her lips.
I hear the shutter of camera in the distance and I don’t care. I have no problem announcing to the world that this woman is mine. She stares up at me without saying anything. It was too big of an ask. I knew it. I fucking knew she’d say no. Shit.
Exquisitely Broken (A Sin City Tale Book 1) Page 20
