I have to let her go when it feels like I just got her back after mourning her loss for years. And unlike the last time. Neither one of us is pretending like long sporadic flights, stolen moments in between shows, disjointed phone calls, and frozen FaceTime screens will be enough to sustain us. I watch her for a couple more minutes as she moves back and forth between the suitcases and other rooms in the house.
Her stride is choppy, and when she finally lifts her eyes to mine, they’re swimming in unshed tears.
“Baby, no…”
She places hands over both her eyes completely blocking her face from my view. I close the space between us and pull her hands from her face and see my own misery reflected back. I know it’s fucked up to revel in her suffering, but it’s the ultimate validation. Sinclair James still loves me. She still hasn’t said it, but it’s right there in her eyes clear as day. I feel it when we’re in bed when she fusses over sheets and pillows before wrapping her body around mine.
It’s taken me one year to regain her trust. A year of taking everything she could think to throw at me. I did the one thing I thought was impossible: I made Sin love me again. In that sense, our mutual sadness was a beautiful thing.
I brush my lips across Sin’s and her breath shudders past her lips to ghost over mine. I take the minuscule space she offers to dip my tongue into her mouth, growling as her flavor floods my senses. Sin is the most decadent dessert, sweet, vibrant, addictive. One taste is never enough.
“I’m leaving, Jake,” she says, tearing her mouth away from mine. “This time tomorrow I’ll be in New York at a listening party for the new album. And two days after when the new album drops, I’ll be in London for the first leg of our international tour and after London we hit Paris.”
“And you’re not gone yet, Sin.” I invade her mouth again, this time with more force, rolling her tongue with mine, fisting her hair tight so she can’t break away. “I need this,” I whispered against her wet lips. “We need this.” I didn’t give her a chance to answer. I licked my way back into her mouth, breaking the kiss only to kiss down her neck.
She doesn’t protest as I walk her to the edge of the bed, dropping to my knees in front of her. She kisses me again, her thighs spreading wide, and her body curving to cradle me against her. I brake the kiss, and with a gentle push to the center of her chest, she sprawls in front of me. My lips move across the sensitive skin of her inner thighs, only stopping when I hit the fabric of the tiny black Spandex shorts she wears to bed.
My fingers curl into the waistband and peel them down her legs. “So pretty.” I run a finger down her slit. Her hips buck at the contact, and an involuntary shiver runs through her legs. I cover her pussy with my mouth, my tongue sliding over her sex, lapping at her juices, dipping into her tight hole. She’s strung so tight.
Sin wraps her hands around the back of my head, drawing me in tighter. I suck her clit into my mouth, and her back arches on the bed. She gyrates her hips against my face.
“That’s right, Sin. Get it. Fuck my face.”
I plunge one finger into the first knuckle, and her tight sheath grips my finger like a vice. I add a second finger, and she lets out a high wail that is in perfect pitch. I kept going, teasing her lips before moving back to her clit, making her ride my fingers like she rides my dick. It doesn’t take too long before she breaks apart under my hands, and her thighs squeeze my head most satisfyingly.
I kissed my way up her belly, stopping momentarily to tongue those dark brown nipples pebbled and begging for my mouth. Her back arches in a sharp bow. I wrapped my arm around her waist, pulling her in close and grinding my still covered dick against her wet core. Her legs come up around my hips as her hands push down my sweats. Her movements become frantic, almost desperate. I raise my head up to meet her eyes, but they’re squeezed shut with tears running down her beautiful face. I dropped my head to her neck, taking in big deep breaths, willing myself not to fall apart. I pushed my sweats down enough to free my dick and fill her to hilt in one stroke. I’m home. Back in the only place that matters. Back in Sin. Her mouth opens in a soundless cry and her eyes finally snap open to meet mine.
“God, you’re beautiful,” I mumble against her lips. I pull my hips back only to tunnel in farther. I want to go so deep inside her that she’ll feel me long after she’s left, long after she’s replaced me with someone else.
“Harder, Jake,” she breathes against my lips.
I take her mouth in a wet and sloppy kiss unable to maintain the smooth finesse when the world around me is crumbling to rubble.
“Make this last time count. I need to feel all of you.”
Last time. Those words hit like a boulder to the chest. Goddammit, it hurts. I funnel all that emotion into raw animal fucking. I turn into a savage, pounding Sin until the only sounds are wet skin and our combined breathing. Sin’s eyes roll into the back of her head, eyelids shutting as she comes for the second time. Her pussy is so tight and pulsing around my length. I only last another couple of shallow strokes before I fall over that edge right behind her.
I run a hand up her back bringing us chest to chest, our heartbeats syncopated in the rapid rhythm.
“Sin.”
She hides her face in the crook of my neck.
“It’s okay.” But it’s not. Nothing about any of this is okay. I kiss her salty lips. “We’ll find our way back to each other. You believe me?”
“Promise me,” she says through her tears. “Promise me that you won’t forget me as soon as I get on that plane. That if I decide to come back after a week or a month or a year, you’ll still be here.”
“You’re thinking about coming back?”
“Promise me,” she insists.
“I promise.”
We stay together in the bed until she has to get ready for her last show and we make love. It’s deliberate and poignant. Both of us aware that this is the last time for a long time
Sin is center stage middle of the spotlight for the last notes of the closing number. The countdown is over. We have no time left. A limo is picking the crew up right after the show to take them to the executive airport. They have to be in London for a show in two days.
The arena goes dark. There is no encore and when the house lights come up Sin is no longer at center stage. The applause is deafening even from where I stand. It’s over. She’s done.
At this point, I’m just going through the motions. Trying not to break down when it’s the only thing I want more than Sin right now. She quickly changes into tight sweatpants and one of those sweatshirts that hang off one shoulder. Her dark skin still glistens with sweat, giving her a glow maybe only I can see because she shines to me. She threads our fingers and guides me through the back hallways toward the limo waiting outside a secret entrance used for celebrities.
We settle into the back of the car with Dan and Miles, and it’s abnormally quiet. The postconcert excitement dimmed by the pain of two hearts breaking.
NOW
Sinclair
The limo pulls directly onto the tarmac next to a private jet. The stairs are already down. The pilot ducks his head out to wave at Adam who arrived shortly after us. I take note of a million little nuances of the airfield like the metal fence hanging by a screw and the sliding glass doors to the private terminal that keep opening even though no one is walking through them. I stare out the window like my life depends on it because anything is better than looking at Jake. I barely even register Adam getting out of the car until the door snaps shut.
I knew leaving would be hard, but I didn’t expect to feel regret or this pit in my stomach because I’m making a bad decision, the ultimate wrong choice. I can’t pinpoint the exact moment I fell back in love with him. God knows it wasn’t something I purposefully cultivated. But it happened. Part of me wants to rest in that glow, in the knowledge that from the ashes of our first relationship we started something brand-new. Jake wasn’t a devil spawn spewed from the pits of hell and sent to earth with the s
ole intention of destroying me. He was a guy that made a mistake, a mistake that exploded in his face and shattered my world, but a mistake just the same.
I turn in my seat to take him in, keeping distance between us. I can’t touch him. If I touch him, my resolve will melt into a puddle on the floor of this car. Once upon a time, I thought Jake was my personal brand of kryptonite, but this last year he’s proven he can be so much more.
“Jake…”
“No.” He lifts his shadowed eyes to mine. “I know what you’re going to say, Sin, and I don’t want to hear it.”
“I… I’m trying to do this right.”
“Is there ever a right time to rip somebody’s heart to shreds?” A heavy breath leaves his lungs.
I finally look at him, and he’s staring back at me. His eyes are begging where his lips are silent. If he says the words, I’ll figure out a way to have both, him and my career.
“So, this is it,” I say dumbly.
“Looks like it.” Jake clenches his jaw, grinding his teeth. The truth an anchor between us. Love isn’t always enough to make a relationship work. I can’t bring myself to say another word. Not when his eyes beg me to change my mind and emotion making my throat ache.
He closes the space between us. His hands grip either side of my neck, and his forehead dips forward to rest on mine. “Come back to me, Sin. Find your way back to me.”
“I will,” I whisper, searching his eyes. Taking a mental picture of this moment.
Jake tries to pull away, but I place hands over his forearms holding him in place. “I love you.”
“I love you too,” he says. I can’t stop the tears from falling down my face fast and hard, or the fact that they increase when he swipes his thumbs across my cheeks. We stare at each other for several beats.
“Say it again, Jake,” I whisper.
“I… I,” he starts, his voice hoarse with emotion. His lips brush across mine in a chaste kiss. “I love you, Sin.” His hands tighten on either side of my neck.
“I love you too,” I whisper into his mouth. With those words, I break contact and open the door. I wipe hands across my wet face and slip out of the seat. When my feet hit the asphalt, I turn back to Jake for the last time. “For what it’s worth, I wish things were different.” I walk toward the stairs of the plane, and by the time I settle in my seat and look out the window, the limo is gone.
NOW
Jake
“Thanks, Adam.”
I palm the key to Sin’s hotel suite as I leave his room. When I called him this morning, I wasn’t sure if he’d help me, but true to form he had no qualms with doing what he thought was best for Sin.
He gave me their hotel info and asked if I wanted him to tell Sin I was on my way. I wasn’t sure she wanted to see me. She’d been so adamant back in Vegas. Her certainty made me question myself and my resolve. The truth of the matter is I do want a home that is ours. I want to wake up to her face on the pillow next to mine every morning and go to sleep with her warmth beside me every night. I want little brown babies that have her big doe eyes and bright smile.
There’s never been a time I didn’t want Sin. That’s the thing that finally got my ass on the plane after a two long miserable weeks. I don’t care what I have to do to have her or what compromises she needs me to make. Sin is mine, and I’m hers. I’m not going another day without her.
I walk down the narrow corridor until I stop in front of the numbers Adam scribbled on a small piece of paper. I think twice about using the card. Sin doesn’t know I’m here. I’m not trying to scare the hell out of her.
I knock on the door, the tap loud in the seemingly silent hallway. After a minute she still doesn’t answer. So, I knock harder, the thud echoing off the metal door across from hers. This time I hear movement on the other side of the door. I take a deep breath, shore up my confidence and wait. The door opens a couple of inches hindered by the metal security flap on the top. And there she is. A barefoot Sin, wearing no makeup. Her natural curls pulled up into a curly puff on top of her head. The short black sleeping shorts she prefers showing inches and inches of smooth brown skin and an old tank top I recognize as one of my own.
“Is everything okay.” Sin’s raspy voice falls off and sleepy brown eyes widen as she takes me in.
“It’s good now. All good.”
“Jake? How did you…”
“Open up the door, baby, and I’ll answer all your questions.” The door immediately closes with a snap. I hear the metal piece at the top flipping before the door opens again. Sin steps back giving me room to enter.
I move into the narrow space as she lets the door go. We stand with about three feet of space between us. Cloaked in darkness and silence. Each taking the other in.
“I can’t believe you’re here. Let me turn on a light.” She runs her hand along the wall until she hits a switch. The overhead light shines down and my eyes have to adjust to the brightness, but when they do, I have never seen a better sight.
Sin leans against the wall, her fingers toying nervously with the edge of her shirt.
“Come here, baby,” I whisper, holding out my arms. She walks forward until the side of her face is resting against my heart and her arms come around my waist.
“I can’t believe you’re here.”
Believe it, baby. I’m here and I’m never going anywhere again. My arms tighten around her so tight that she squeals with laughter.
That laugh? It’s everything.
Confirmation that it’s not too late.
That I’m not too late.
I walk us back toward the king-size bed in the middle of the room. Our movements are uncoordinated as we stumble over clothes in the center of the floor before we fall onto the mattress in a jumble of limbs and smiles and kisses that land off center. I lean back and just stare at her in awe that after everything we’ve gone through, it’s finally our time.
This right here is all I want, all I’ve ever wanted.
Sin’s arms come over my shoulders and her legs widen to accept my weight into her body It comes as natural to her as breathing. She feels it too. That her place is with me, in my arms, in my bed, in my life. I cuddle into her body, my head dropping to her neck to breathe a sigh of relief. I touch my tongue to the base of her neck, moving down to dip into the line between her breasts.
“Shouldn’t we talk… ahhhh.” She lets out a sigh, moaning, her head moving to give my mouth a better path.
“Not yet,” I say.
I move lower and sucking her nipple through the flimsy material of her shirt. Sin’s hands move to my head, her back arches leaving a gap between her body and the bed. I roll her under me and her thighs immediately part and her hips pump against my rigid length as her breath begins to come in short burst.
I move back up her body finally taking her mouth
“Jake,” she whispers against my lips right before my tongue pushes against hers in lascivious motions that mimics what I wanted to do with other parts of my body.
I quickly make work of removing my clothes. I toe off my shoes, which land with a thud on the floor and quickly strip my pants and shirt. I can’t be the gentle lover she deserved, not after weeks of not seeing her. I’ll make it up to her later. Right now I need to be in her, a part of her.
“I need this,” I say against her lips. “Please.” I press her knees wide pulling those barely there shorts to the side. My thumb slicks up and down my already slippery flesh. “Fuck, baby, you’re already wet,” I say as I position the swollen tip of my dick at her entrance, sliding my length through her silky folds.
Sin sighs as I tap the crown against her clit. “Now, Jake,” she moans.
She doesn’t have to ask twice. I plunged into her in one swift movement and then I still. The significance of this moment bears down on me, and I need Sin with me.
“Hey, baby,” I whisper against her lips, my hands skimming her face and the sharp turn of her collarbones. My arms shake as I hold myself above her fighting
the urge to pound into her.
She rocks her hips, working her pussy up and down my length, anchoring her legs over my ass to get leverage. It takes every shred of control I possess not to move. I give her more of my weight slowing her movements making it more difficult for her to move. I lean in close, dropping kisses on her lips.
“I miss you so much,” I say.
Sin stills.
“Actually,” I start again, trying to ignore how good it feels to be back inside her. “Since you got on that plane and flew out of my life, you’re all I think about.”
Her eyes turn watery at my words, but she holds my gaze. In their depths, I see a heart as fractured as my own and the other half of my soul. Behind all our broken and jagged parts is a love more significant than our combined existence and more profound than our past mistakes.
“I know I agreed that when you left, we’d be over. Here’s the thing. I barely existed when I knew that you hated me, and now…” I thrust slow and languorous into her body, drawing out a low moan from deep in her throat. “Without you, I’m nothing, less than zero.”
Sin shifted under me, her legs pulling me in, holding me tighter.
“Jake, I—”
“Shhh, baby, let me say this…”
A fat tear slips past her long ashes, rolling down her temple toward her hair.
“This distance thing sucks,” I say after kissing the corner of her eye. “But I’d rather have you, any part of you than nothing at all.”
“What exactly are you saying, Jake? Because last time we tried…”
“We didn’t try, or at least I didn’t,” I say, dropping my forehead to hers. My body was straining over hers, but I needed to get it out, and say what I came here to say.
Exquisitely Broken (A Sin City Tale Book 1) Page 26
