by DJ Bryce
I pushed that thought to the back of my head, instead focusing on the way I felt in the moment. How great it was to experience that punch of lust, of heat, as I took in her pretty perky breasts with the dark red peaks, and the blonde hair that was so light on her skin, that it was almost transparent.
I placed my hands on her shins and slowly made my way up, stroking and caressing as I learned more about her. What made her gasp, what made her body bow, and what made her moan.
Katja was extremely responsive, and the look on her face as she made those sweet little sounds in the back of her throat, had me ready to explode before I was ready.
An image of Sarah flashed, unbidden in my brain, but I cast it aside and replaced my fingers with my lips. I kissed, licked and sucked Katja’s skin, driving myself to the brink of madness, as I did the same to her.
“Bane,” she pleaded, putting her hands in my hair and tugging it to try and get me to do what she wanted.
I moved quickly, flipping her over onto her stomach and pulling her hips up so her ass was on display before me. I ran my palms over her cheeks, then down her slit and over her pussy. She was soaked. Turned on and ready for me, which had my wolf howling and eager to mate.
I fisted my hand over my cock, stroking it once and coating it with her juices, then held her hip steady as I drove inside.
Katja’s head flew back as she pushed back against me, driving me deeper inside.
I held on to her hips and fucked her. Hard and fast. The sounds and smells of the room fueling the animal within as I worked us both into a frenzy.
I shifted my hips until I found her g-spot with the head of my cock and then focused on hitting it repeatedly as I moved in and out.
“Oh my God, Bane,” Katja cried, her hands fisting in the bedspread. “Don’t stop.”
I didn’t stop, instead moving faster and harder until I felt her walls clench around me and she let out a long keening moan.
My own body responded and I came long and hard, letting out a low growl as my mind blanked and my tension released.
Katja collapsed on the bed beneath me, and I went to get a wet towel to clean myself off, then another for her. I joined her in bed and pulled her close, her body limp and her soft sigh sweet.
“I love you, Bane,” Katja said softly.
Utterly relaxed, eyes closed, and with a smile on my lips, I replied, “I love you, too, Sarah.”
I felt her go rigid against me, but it still took a minute for what I’d just said to register in my mind.
Guilt instantly flooded me.
Guilt over what I’d just said… what we’d just done. And it was quickly followed by a sense of betrayal.
“Fuck,” I muttered as I moved away from Katja and got out of bed.
I couldn’t look at her as I pulled out shorts and a t-shirt and put them on.
I ran my hand through my hair and finally turned, bracing myself as I faced the bed.
Katja had the blankets pulled up, covering herself, her expression sad, yet understanding?
“Bane,” she began softly. “It’s okay…”
“No,” I shouted, cutting her off. “It’s not okay. This is all too fast… I told you I needed time… it’s my fault. I never should have touched you. This was a mistake.”
I saw Katja flinch, but steeled myself against any further emotions.
I was in self-preservation mode.
Katja got out of the bed, but took the sheet with her and kept it wrapped around her body.
“Bane,” she said, coming toward me slowly, as if approaching a wild animal.
Which in that moment, I was…
“I understand. Maybe we moved too fast. You weren’t ready, I get that. We can slow down and take things a day at a time.”
I shook my head.
“You said you love me,” I said accusingly. “That goes against everything we said…everything we agreed upon.”
Katja’s eyes widened and filled.
“I didn’t mean for it to happen, but I couldn’t help it,” she said, her voice rough with emotion. “You’re so amazing… you and Sloane, and I was helpless against it. I know we said we’d keep those kind of feelings out of it, but Bane… honestly… how can you expect to be with a woman for the rest of your life, have sex with her, raise children with her, and keep both of your hearts disengaged. It’s not how we’re built. Not how I’m built, I guess.”
“That’s the way it has to be,” I said coldly, my body numb.
“I can try,” she began, but I cut her off again.
“No, it’s too late for that now. This whole thing was a mistake. The app, the trial… all of it. You have to go.”
“Bane,” Katja cried, reaching out to me, but I took a step back and tried to ignore the look of pain in her eyes.
“I’m sorry,” I said woodenly. “I can’t do this anymore.”
I turned and fled the room, running down the stairs and shifting before I’d even made it off the porch.
I stopped and howled, my wolf pissed, confused, and disappointed… in me.
I shoved those feelings aside and ran.
Katja
I stood there in shock. A mess of conflicting emotions. Understanding, sadness, panic, anger, fear, and finally, resignation.
I moved through the house, ignoring the tears and snot bubbles as I gathered my meager belongings and packed my bags. I shot a text off to Shonda, asking her to come over and erase all evidence that I’d ever been inside that house.
I stopped outside of Sloane’s room and looked in, sad that I wouldn’t get the chance to say goodbye.
I hadn’t gotten as much time with her as I’d hoped, but she really was a special little girl.
God, who was I kidding? They were both special, and I was in love with them. It killed that I wouldn’t be able to see the life I’d been envisioning become a reality.
I saw the headlights flash through the windows and rushed out to meet Shonda before she made it to the house. I shut the door carefully behind me, placed my hand on the cool wood one last time, then took a deep breath and turned.
“What’s going on, is Sloane okay?” Shonda asked as she jumped from her car and ran over.
“Yes, sorry, I should have said… she’s fine. I didn’t mean to worry you.”
She stopped in front of me, took one look at my face and asked, “Are you okay?”
I shook my head and wailed, “Noooo…” the tears starting back up.
Shonda pulled me in for a hug and patted my back.
Realizing that Bane could come back at any minute, and the last thing I wanted to him to see was my devastation, I pulled back and asked, “Can we please go? I’ll tell you about it in the car.”
“Sure,” she said quickly, leading me to the passenger side. “Where are we going?”
“Bus station,” I replied.
Shonda shot me a sympathetic look, then rounded the car to get in on the driver’s side.
She pulled out of Bane’s driveway and started toward town.
“Do you want to talk about it?” she asked gently.
“We just… aren’t on the same page,” I told her, watching out the window as we got further away from Bane’s house. “I want more than he can give.”
Shonda nodded and muttered, “Yeah, that seems to run in the family.”
I wiped at my cheeks and looked at her, seeing her for what she was… a kindred spirit.
“Yeah,” I whispered. “I think it was doomed to fail from the beginning, I just didn’t see it.”
We drove the rest of the way in companionable silence.
Shonda pulled up at the bus station and I gathered my things as we both got out of the car.
“Are you sure you need to leave?” she asked. “Maybe you guys can work things out?”
I gave her a sad smile.
“No, Bane was pretty clear on what he wanted.”
“Where are you gonna go?”
I thought of my options, which were pretty bleak
, and shrugged.
“Back to Florida, I guess. At least I know the area, and a few people. My old roommate will probably let me crash, at least for a few days until I can get on my feet.”
“Call me if you need anything,” Shonda said, and I could see that she meant it.
“Thanks, Shonda, I appreciate it. Really. Thanks for picking me up, too.”
We gave each other a hug and she whispered, “I wish you could stay.”
My heart clenched and I thought, we really could have been best friends, and I pulled away.
“We’ll keep in touch,” I assured her, then started toward the bus station.
“I’ll hold you to that,” she called after me.
I turned and wave, then left her standing by her car.
For ninety-two dollars, I got a bus pass to travel twenty-five hours from Indiana to Florida. My stomach clenched as I paid, knowing my savings account was taking a hit and I had no idea what I was going to do when the money ran out.
When it was time to leave, I took a seat in the back of the bus and stowed my things around me so I could keep an eye on them.
I had a long time to think over the course of that ride.
I thought about my time with Bane, with Sloane, and I also thought about my ex, and the way we’d left things. I pondered what I wanted to do with my life… did I want to use my degree, find another nanny job, or just take anything that came along?
Where would I live?
What did I want out of life?
I realized on that road that I hadn’t planned my life out very well. I was disappointed in the choices I’d made, and the fact that I had nothing to show for years of school and hard work.
I was a mess.
In that realization, I knew that I wasn’t ready to share my life with anyone else.
I needed to find myself first.
To find my purpose and become someone that I could be proud of.
I’d been a victim of circumstance for too long, partly of my own volition, and that needed to change.
By the time the bus pulled into the station in Florida, I was exhausted, but hopeful. I had a plan and I was going to put it into action. I wasn’t going to focus on the negative; instead I would strive toward being an independent woman who didn’t need a man to be fulfilled.
I was ready for the evolution of Katja.
Bane
I wandered the house aimlessly. Walking from one room to the next as I tried to come to terms with how I was feeling.
Panicked. Frustrated. Sad. Angry. Bewildered.
A myriad of emotions jumbled within me as I waited until it was time to go pick up Sloane.
When I’d returned home from my run the night before Katja had been gone.
She’d done what I’d asked, and I knew it was for the best, but that didn’t stop me from feeling like a complete and utter asshole.
I knew she didn’t have a lot of money, a way to get to the airport, or wherever she went… a place to stay, a job… she’d basically put her life on hold to come here for this trial, and rather than let her go back on the return ticket that I’d purchased when I flew her out, I’d left her to fend for herself.
I freaked out. Panicked. If I’d been rational, I would have told her to wait to catch her flight.
But, I had to admit, it was a relief that she was gone.
I didn’t have to face the consequences of my actions that way. There was no confrontation. No fight. No more talk about feelings. Everything I’d wanted to avoid had left with Katja in the night.
I’d barely slept at all. Tossing and turning as I was assaulted by memoires of Sarah. I imaged her reaction to finding out I’d slept with someone else in the bed we used to sleep in. Under her roof.
It made me sick to my stomach, and when I knew there would be no sleep for me, I’d gotten up and began pacing.
Hours later, it was finally almost time to pick up Sloane.
The Jeep was packed up, I’d called Mal and told him to cover my tours, and I was ready to go. We were heading to Grayson’s. I needed to think, to process, and to talk to someone about what had happened.
There was no better sounding board than my brother.
When it was finally time to get my daughter, I locked up the house and drove around the corner.
“Thanks so much for having her, I hope she wasn’t any trouble,” I called as I ushered a reluctant Sloane out of the house after I’d gotten her car seat and other things.
“Daddy,” she started to protest, but I lifted her up and jogged her over to the jeep and buckled her in.
“It’s okay,” I told her. “We’re going to Uncle Gray’s.”
“Again?” Sloane asked, momentarily confused. We never went there more than once a month. Then she decided it was good news, and cheered, “Yay!”
I got into the Jeep and backed out, waving absently at the house as I did, just in case anyone was watching.
We got about two miles down the road when Sloane asked, “Where’s Kat-ya?”
My heart pounded painfully, but I ignored it and answered, “She had to go back to Florida.”
“When will she come back?”
“She’s not coming back, baby,” I said gently as I waited for her reaction.
When I didn’t get one, I breathed a sigh of relief and turned up the radio.
By the time we got to Gray’s, Sloane was passed out in the back, and I was driving myself crazy.
I couldn’t stop thinking of the look on Katja’s face when I’d told her to leave.
Never one to be taken unaware, Grayson was standing out on the porch as we pulled in. He walked toward me, eyes wary, then looked relieved when I pulled a sleep-dazed Sloane out of the back.
“Everything okay?” he asked, unaccustomed to me driving up without calling.
I shook my head and held out Sloane, who was practically jumping out of my arms to get to him.
As I unloaded, she told her uncle all about her sleepover at Sylvie’s.
Once we were all settled inside, Gray looked to Sloane and said, “Princess, why don’t you take Goldie outside and play catch.”
At her name and the word outside, Gray’s golden retriever perked up and ran to the back door.
“’Kay, c’mon Goldie,” Sloane called and ran full out to the door.
Grayson disappeared into the kitchen, then returned with two beers and handed me one.
“What happened?” he asked, taking a seat at the table.
I sat across from him and said, “I fucked up.”
“With the woman?” Gray guessed.
I nodded and took a long pull of my beer.
“I freaked out. We had sex… totally my fault, and it was everything. Hot, amazing, the best I’ve ever had… which meant it was followed by extreme guilt and self-flagellation. I called her Sarah, told her it was a mistake, and made her leave.”
“Jesus,” Gray whispered, his eyes conveying his concern.
“Yeah, it was pretty bad. I was falling for her, against my better judgement, and when I felt the connection we had… well, let’s just say I reacted badly and wanted her to feel as shitty as I did. I succeeded.”
“You love her?”
I swore under my breath and felt tears prick my eyes.
“Yeah, man, I think I do. But I can’t love her and feel this guilt. This betrayal. I can’t love her in my wife’s house… in her bed.”
“What are you gonna do?”
“I don’t know, but I know I’m not ready for Katja right now. I need to fix some things about myself, come to terms with Sarah’s death, and give myself permission to move on.” I ran my hand through my hair and gave Gray a pained look. “She told me she loved me and I said, I love you too, Sarah.”
“That’s fucked,” my brother said, making me chuckle.
“It is,” I agreed, then took a deep breath. “I think I need to get help… see someone… talk about it.”
“Like a shrink?” he asked.
“Maybe
,” I admitted, even though the thought of talking to a stranger about my feelings made me twitchy.
“Probably a good idea,” Grayson said, and I nodded.
If I had any chance of moving on with my life and having even a remote chance of happiness with Katja, I needed to fix myself. I needed to become the man she deserved. A man who’d love and cherish her for the rest of her life.
Three Months Later
Katja
I walked down the street, oblivious to the sticky heat of the day.
I was used to it.
I was carrying my bags from the market where I’d picked up fixings for dinner. I was looking forward to having a nice meal and glass of wine to celebrate my first month at my new job.
I was working for a public relations company and had just been given my first solo client.
The work was fun, and all from the comfort of my own home.
Well, calling it a home was a stretch. It was actually a loft over my landlords’ garage which I rented on a month to month basis. Fully furnished and basically pest free, it was the best I could get on short notice within my budget.
I was saving money and would eventually move out and get a place of my own, but for now, it was exactly what I needed.
I turned the corner to my street and was about to head down the driveway to the stairs leading to my loft, when I noticed there was a car parked out front with tags from a rental company.
Looked like Mr. Danford had company.
Hopefully he was about to get laid, it would be nice for him to be in a good mood for once, I thought with a smile. Then stopped in my tracks and almost dropped my bags when I saw Bane sitting on my steps.
“Bane. What are you doing here?” I asked, surprised that I was able to speak without sounding like a chipmunk.
“Can we talk?” he asked, standing.
For a second, I wanted to say no, to tell him to get out, just like he’d done to me the last time we were together. But, I was curious to hear what he had to say, and if I was honest, my heart was happy to see him.
He looked better than I remembered which seemed totally unfair.
