by Jen Stevens
“You’ve lost your touch,” I tease an hour later, sifting through his CD collection. They’re sprawled out on the floor around me as Eli sits directly across, taking my insults in stride.
“What are you talking about? This stuff is gold. I guarantee you’ll be hearing these tracks on the radio next year,” he defends, knocking my foot with his. His face twists in mock offense.
“Where’s your iPod? I’ll add some songs onto it tonight that are going to outshine all of this local rap-rock wannabe stuff.”
I send him a teasing smile that feels a little too familiar, grabbing the thin blue device sitting on his desk. When I turn it on, it’s already playing one of the rap songs by the artist that was on when he first started his car. My eyes lift to his and I smile, flipping the screen over to show him.
“You’ve acquired new taste.”
He snatches it out of my hands. “Don’t make fun. It’s really good for getting me in the zone.”
Still, he switches the song to one of our favorites back when we were in middle school and hands it back over. I can’t help the smile that takes over my entire face.
“Hey,” he starts, his voice lowering to a more serious tone than the teasing one it held before. “I think I owe you an apology.”
“For what?”
There’s another awkward silence that fills the air again before words begin tumbling out of his mouth.
“For not being there for you lately. I’ve kind of gotten caught up in my own world and I’ve been feeling like I left you behind to deal with everything alone. I miss us hanging out like we used to. I miss you, Mouse.” Dark chestnut eyes stare into mine, sincerity flowing through them as they beg me to forgive.
Just as I crack a smile to ease the tension and open my mouth to speak, a loud bang comes from just outside his window, followed by a quiet giggle. Eli quickly stands up, walking toward the area that the sound had come from. When he sees the culprit, his face turns a shade of bright red, his hand immediately raking through his hair the way he’s always done when he was thoroughly frustrated about something.
Before I can ask, the window slides open and Emma’s round face appears behind it. Her best friend, Olivia crawls up beside her just as I stand to leave. Eli helps them inside while I gather my bag and slip my shoes on, wishing I could disappear before they ever saw me. My left shoe has been so caked with mud, it’s nearly impossible to tie the laces, so I’m stuck watching the scene unfold as I fight with the stiff fabric.
“Mouse? Eli, what’s she doing here?” Emma asks, her nose scrunched in a very unattractive way. I figure she thinks it’s a cute look, but it only causes the tip of her nose to point down, which makes her resemble a witch more than usual.
“We were hanging out. What are you two doing here? I told you I had to study.” He sounds frustrated, and I can’t help but hope it’s due to them interrupting the moment we were having. Stupid, lovesick heart.
“It doesn’t look like you were studying…” Emma’s eyes switch between me and Eli in accusation as Olivia holds her phone up and quietly squeals.
“Jaime is on his way here, too! He said you were fine with us all coming here after the party.”
She plops down onto the couch—my couch—and lifts her phone right up to her face to type out a response to whatever message just had it pinging.
Jaime is Eli’s new best friend. He’s a guy who rivals Ryan with his lack of respect or consideration toward the female population. I have no idea how Eli can tolerate any of these people, especially when they’re as intoxicated as they are right now. Although, based on the death glares I’ve been receiving from Emma, it seems as if her buzz wore off the moment that she opened Eli’s window and found us alone.
Does she even have a right to be mad? Are they dating? I can never keep up with the constant on-again, off-again relationships that happen in Hollow High.
I’m just waiting for the moment his mother comes busting through the door screaming and makes it a full-on party.
Without any sort of rhyme or reason, Emma closes the distance between her and Eli and practically sucks his lips right off his face; a gesture he makes no move to end, and even reciprocates a little. When he finally pushes her away, her eyes open and immediately land on me, a smug smile tugging at her thin lips. I finally decide to abandon my shoe mission and swing his bedroom door open to rush down the stairs. I hear Eli calling after me as Emma stomps her foot and shrieks her protests. He catches my shoulder just before I reach the front door, turning my entire body to face him with little effort.
“I’m sorry about them,” he starts, but I shake my head and hold my hand up to stop him.
With a heavy sigh, he brings the blue iPod between us and places it in my hand. “I want to hear those songs. I’ll meet you at school tomorrow expecting a completely new playlist. I want to be blown away, Mouse.”
I nod, glancing back up to the stairs where Emma is standing, arms crossed and a look that begs me to test her. Without another word, I swing the front door open and run across the grass that separates Eli’s property from mine. Denise and Marnie are still out, so I rush through the dark house and throw myself onto my bed, finally allowing the tears to flow the way they’ve wanted to all night.
One day, I’m going to leave this rotten place, with all its rotten inhabitants, and never look back. One day, I’m going to speak and be heard. One day, I’ll love a man who doesn’t choose everyone else over me.
One day.
Chapter 6
Lyla
16 years old
Eli hasn’t attempted to get his iPod back. That night, after allowing a full hour to feel sorry for myself, I loaded it up with everything I could think of that he might like. Every band and album that I’ve found from last Spring and never got a chance to share with him was downloaded onto a special playlist. I even added some 90’s rap to tease him a bit. But he never bothered to show.
Last Friday, he and Emma walked through the halls hanging all over each other, and it was like the Eli I had spoken to on Halloween was gone. Just a mask he wore for the holiday and took off the moment it was over. I’d even tried to meet him at his locker to drop it off, but somehow seemed to always miss him.
Today, all anyone can talk about is how crazy of a party Emma threw over the weekend while her parents were stuck at her grandparents’ house a few towns over with a broken-down car. Even if they were home, Emma would have thrown the party. She always did. There was just a new aspect added to it with no adults around to harass everyone for weed or stop them from hooking up on their bed.
Eli had been at the party, joined at the hip with Emma all night. I overheard his teammates talking about how they couldn’t even get him away from her to do a keg stand with them. Apparently, it was a huge teenage tragedy. I found comfort in their complaints about her clinginess and their plans to try to pry their friend away from the tyrannical girlfriend if she continued down the path she was on.
So just like that, the night I shared with my childhood best friend had further solidified the termination of our friendship. Whatever charade he put up on Halloween night was over, and I refused to fall for something like that ever again.
Today, I waited until he parked his car in its spot against the curb and stuck his iPod through the cracked driver’s side window before my shift at the diner. As I made my way down my street on foot toward the main road, I saw Emma drive by with Olivia toward Eli’s house. I could swear I imagined the middle finger she held just outside the passenger side window, and the same smug smile she wore right after kissing him in front of me. Just before I looked back to the ground, I spotted Marnie with her head tilted, laughing in the back seat as her blonde hair tangled in the wind.
With my head bowed down and my heart in my throat, I counted the days left before I could get out of this toxic place and never return. Then, I released a cleansing breath and pushed them all from my mind.
Chapter 7
Lyla
18 yea
rs old
Today is my eighteenth birthday. In just one week, I’ll be graduating Hollow High and walking out of those doors for what I hope will be the last time. The past year has been nearly unbearable, and I can’t wait to get out of this town and breathe in fresh air for the first time. Not the recycled, musty air we’ve been forced to breathe here our entire lives. Real air. Cornell air.
As usual, Marnie and Denise made the day about them. I can’t really blame them, though. It’s all they’ve known. I just wish they could have held back long enough for me to share some of my own news for once. For me to talk for once.
I realize now what a foolish thought that was.
It’s the beginning of the month, so Denise is feeling festive. She’s decided she can spring for a dinner at iHop to celebrate mine and Marnie’s birthdays. Marnie’s was two months ago but neither of us bothered to mention that small fact. Not when we could get a good meal out of it. I think she knows in the back of her mind that this will probably be the last one we spend together. That I’ll most likely never find my way back to The Hollow once I leave.
So, on a whim she took Marnie and me out for a quiet dinner. We’ve just been served our meals when I grab the piece of mail out of my bag, nervous excitement swimming around in my chest.
I planned to announce to them that I’ve been accepted into the early enrollment program at Cornell this summer. It’s a big deal. You have to be really good to get into the program, and it gives me the chance to explore the campus before it fills with irritated upperclassmen and confused Freshmen. I’ll also get a head start on my classes, which will help later on when my course load is overwhelming.
“So, guess—” I begin, but no one hears my voice over Marnie clearing her throat.
“I have something to tell you guys,” she interrupts, pausing dramatically to make sure we’re both listening. Seconds tick by as silence falls between us. Typical Marnie, always with a flair for the dramatics.
“Well, spit it out. I don’t have all day,” Denise grumbles, shoving a large piece of pancake into her mouth.
“I’m pregnant.”
She holds her head high, doing her best to look stoic. I know Marnie better than that, though. Her fingers are tapping against her leg, her feet dancing beneath the table. She’s nervous, although you’d never be able to tell from just looking at her relaxed facial expression.
I gape, taking her in for the first time in what feels like forever. She does look a little more swollen than usual. I’m not sure how I missed that.
“What?” I half-gasp, but it’s drowned out by Denise’s, “You’ve got to be kidding me.”
Marnie shrugs nonchalantly, moving the food around her plate to avoid eye contact now.
“Sorry, Denise. You’re going to be a grandma.”
“Like hell I am,” our mother insists, her brows raised in seriousness.
I can tell she’s conflicted. Her religious obligations tell her to allow Marnie to go through with the pregnancy and figure something out later. It’s still a child of God, after all. But her maternal obligation is telling her to get that thing out of her daughter before anyone else finds out. To stop her from following in her own footsteps, despite every attempt she’s made to prevent that from happening.
“That isn’t your decision to make, now is it?” Marnie’s chin juts out in defiance and I watch the anger flash across Denise’s eyes before she lifts her hand in the air, ready to strike her for mouthing back.
“I’d think twice before hitting a pregnant woman. I have more than just myself to think about now, and I’m not afraid to send you to jail for assault.” Her hand rubs circles around her flat stomach symbolically.
Denise narrows her eyes, her pale, hollowed cheeks flushing with hatred.
I shove the letter back into my bag, promising myself I’ll tell them later when things have cooled off. Or maybe I won’t even bother. Maybe I’ll just disappear one day and see how long it takes for them to notice.
We finish our meal in stony silence, each of them stealing looks at each other while I quietly avoid them altogether. It shouldn’t come as much of a surprise. Marnie isn’t the most careful person when it comes to things like doctor’s appointments or using protection. I know because Denise has insisted on keeping us on birth control since Marnie turned sixteen and was caught by one of the neighbors in a parked car down the street with a guy in the grade above us. Denise went ballistic, throwing everything Marnie owned out our bedroom window onto the back lawn while we both watched helplessly. Then, she called the nearest doctor’s office and got us in for appointments as soon as possible.
I helped Marnie bring her things back inside later that night, ignoring her soft sniffles after Denise left to meet with some friends to talk it over at her prayer circle. When we were finished, she slumped down onto her bed and rested her head into her hands.
“I know what you’re thinking,” she said into her lap.
I stopped fiddling with a shirt I’d been unfolding and folding over and over again to look at her.
“I’m not thinking anything.”
Marnie scoffed, lifting her head to look up at me. She swiped her hand under her nose, not bothering to hide the tears anymore. “Sure, you are. You and everyone else in this shitty town all think the same thing. As if any of you know a thing about me. You see what I let you; just remember that.”
“I know, Mar. But I don’t judge you for a single thing that you do. You have your reasons just like everyone else.”
“Yeah, I do. And I’m not as much of an idiot as you all think I am, either.”
“Of course, you aren’t. You’re one of the smartest people I know.”
She looked down again, picking at the imaginary lint on her pants. “Thank you.”
“For what?”
“For never questioning me, even when I give you a million reasons why you should.”
Chapter 8
Lyla
18 years old
Graduation day has officially come to a close and I can’t avoid the sweet relief I feel about never walking through the halls of Hollow High again. I’ve given my valedictorian speech, walked across the stage with the rest of my classmates, and turned over my tassel to signify the end of a very horrible chapter in my life.
Marnie is out celebrating with her friends on Mr. McFarland’s property. Rumor has it, he’s in the hospital after a nasty fall, so there will be an especially ridiculous amount of underaged partying going on while no one is around to bother them. After the Halloween incident during junior year, Marnie hasn’t bothered trying to get me to go out with her, especially once she got close with Emma and Olivia again.
I’m not sure if it was them who discouraged her from speaking to me or if it was me keeping my distance, but things changed between us after that night. She’s been colder toward me than ever before, barely acknowledging my presence before she darts off to some social gathering, school, or a shift at the diner.
When their group of friends would come into the diner, they’d always make a point to sit in my section. I had a suspicion it was Emma’s idea to torture me. I’d made the mistake of taking their table one time, and both she and Olivia spent the entire two hours they were there sending food back and trying to get me fired. Eli was there, and he just sat and watched, quietly begging his girlfriend to stop but making no moves to leave. At the end of the night the owner, Lisa made me pay for half of the food they sent back out of my weekly paycheck. When Marnie heard about it through the other waitresses, she didn’t say a word to me, but started taking the table whenever they tried to come in and sit in my section.
None of it matters now, because my last shift was yesterday. The next time I see any of those people, I’ll have a college degree and they’ll be serving me my coffee when I pass through town to visit Denise and Marnie.
Although, I’m not sure how much they would even want me around. I didn’t expect that they would clear their schedules to spend my last night at home toge
ther, but the disappointment from sitting in the empty house is almost crippling. A further confirmation that they barely notice my presence anymore, and it won’t matter to them once I’m gone. Somehow, I still haven’t formed a tough enough skin for that to not bother me.
I spend the solitary night placing my things into one measly suitcase, disappointed at how much room is left over. When I have most of my things neatly stacked into the bag, I head to the backyard and lay a blanket out on the lawn with one of my favorite books.
The sky looks larger tonight, filled with stars that hold a comfort and promise my own family could never provide me. I love that no matter where I go, I’ll always be looking at the same night sky. It’s consistent. Stable. Nothing like what I’ve experienced in my life thus far, and it inspires me to provide those things for myself.
Just as I tear my gaze away from the stars and open my book, a familiar voice startles me from above.
“Marnie says you’re leaving tomorrow.”
Eli.
I can’t hide the surprise on my face. Marnie doesn’t even speak to me lately, especially now that she and Denise are in their own war over her pregnancy. Denise has stuck to her guns. To everyone’s surprise, the child’s father, Josh has gotten into a few arguments with her about it. They’re currently on a silent streak, competing to see who can ignore the other one’s existence with more commitment on the rare occasion they find themselves in the same room. I assumed Marnie didn’t have time to bother with me anymore.
“So, are you afraid?” he pushes after several moments of thick silence. He sits on the blanket beside me and lies back comfortably, as if he were invited to do so. I would never deny him, and I think he knows it.
“Of what?”
“Leaving everything you’ve ever known? Going away to a place you’ve never been?”
