by Mj Fields
Four. I inhale deeply as I run between the fields of hay now laying on the ground, because Dad cut it at some point over the weekend. Or, hell, maybe just today and did so when he knew his family was falling apart.
Dad said it was a “Good year. We’re blessed to get a second cutting.” I wonder if he’s still feeling that way, and I wonder if the extra money really means a damn thing.
Faster.
Three. My feet scream at me as I pass the rows of corn and wonder if we’re going to be okay or, if by mid-September, all semblance of normalcy will be gone.
No one died, like in Jade’s family, but after the accident, after her family was altered, Aunt Janet fell apart epically. And, for a couple years, Uncle Jack’s business nearly crumbled. Then Jade stopped seeing her mother altogether.
Two. I pant as my feet hit the overgrown grass and take no caution in crushing the mixed blue and white flowering weeds beneath my feet. Because I will spend the next few weeks clearing this spot, because God above knows, I’m going to need to come back here much more than ever before.
I head into the woods, pushing through the burdock bushes, leaping over the ferns, past the unkempt pathway. I make my way down the steep hillside not nearly fast enough to get to the water, to see the falls, to plead for it to wash away this hurt, this anger, this pain. To beseech it to make me feel like nothing will ever be the same again. To beg for its strength, because I’m going to need it, maybe more now than ever before.
“One,” I yell up to the sky and hear my broken voice echo through the woods as I stand on the edge of the creek.
“What the fuck?” I scream, and it feels so good to scream such a word that I do it again and again and again as I stomp through the water, my shoes still on.
Afraid the force of the water will break me apart if I sit beneath it, I sit next to the waterfall instead and throw stones as I watch the water crash down over the rocks.
I cry, I scream, I pray, I look for more rocks to throw, and I close my eyes.
I’m unsure if I dozed off or just spaced out, but when I open my eyes, the sun is starting to set behind the towering pines.
It will soon be bedtime and, as much as I don’t love the idea of heading back, I know that Kendall and Jake will need me now more than ever.
Trudging up the hill, Alex’s words, ‘We’ll be fine. Always are,’ whispers in my head. And I know for sure I will make damn sure we are.
When I reach the edge of the woods, I see Cory, Molly’s boyfriend, holding her as she cries. I clear my throat, not wanting to witness a make-out session, if it gets to that, as I walk toward them.
“You okay, Tessa?” Cory asks.
I nod and start to jog home, happy that Molly has Cory, that I have one less person to “hold up.”
Walking into the house, I notice the answering machine flashing and hit play as I take off my drenched sneakers.
“Hey, Tessa, it’s me, Jade. You wanna talk, I’m here.”
Word clearly has already gotten out.
The next. “Me again. To clarify, just like you were there for me, I’m here, okay?”
The next. “Hello, this message is for Tessa. I was wondering if you could give me a call and remind me of what our government assignment was for tonight.”
The voice is familiar, but LL isn’t in my Government class.
Whatever.
I hit erase, and the phone immediately rings.
“You wanna grab that, Tessa?” Dad yells from the living room.
“Sure, Dad,” I yell back, surprised he’s inside.
I answer, “Hello?”
“Tessa, do you have a pen?”
Not sure who is on the other end, I grab one from the counter. “Yep.”
“Jot down this number.”
“Go ahead.”
“Three, one, five, five, five, five, one, two, one, two.”
“Okay, got it. Can I ask who’s calling, please?”
“Shot to the heart.” He chuckles.
My back straightens with immediate recognition.
“You there, Tessa Ross?”
I open the door, drag the cord out to the mudroom, and then shut the door behind me.
“Look, LL, I didn’t give you my number, so how about you lose it? And we don’t have any classes together, so lose the lame excuses to call here, as well.”
“Actually, we do have classes together. A few.”
“Oh my God, you are so full of garbage.”
“Changed my schedule because I got stuck in the same classes with my ex. Government, Bio, and—”
“I have things to do. There was no Government homework.”
“Tessa, you’re not making this shit easy, you know.” He sighs.
“You need to move on, because I’m not easy at all. And—”
“Not looking for easy with you.”
“Oh, right. You’ve made this a challenge for yourself. Don’t bother. I don’t have the time, and I am not the least bit interested.”
“Lie to me, but not to yourself, Tessa Ross. See you in school tomorrow. Use my number whenever you feel the urge. It’s a cell phone.”
“Am I supposed to be impressed by that and your fancy black sports car?” I immediately regret it.
He laughs quietly and deeply. “Baby, I don’t need those things to impress. Just happen to have them.”
Flustered, I say, “Goodnight, LL.”
“Sweet dreams, Tessa. See you in them soon.”
I open the door and slam the phone down.
“Who was on the phone?” Dad calls from the other room.
“Wrong number,” I say as I make my way to the living room. “I’m gonna shower.”
After showering—my third of the day—I wrap up in my robe and head out through the living room and up the stairs to get my pajamas on, then head back downstairs.
Dad is on the phone, and Kendall and Jake are sitting on the couch, both looking extremely sad.
It breaks my heart to see them like that.
“What are we watching?” I ask, wedging myself between them.
Kendall crosses her arms. “Not ER.”
“It’s on after our school bedtime,” Jake mumbles.
I look at the TV as the commercial ends. “So, it’s Home Improvement, then.”
“Dad’s favorite,” Kendall whispers as she leans against me.
I wrap my arm around her and Jake. It takes Jake a minute before he caves and lays his head on my shoulder.
“This sucks, Tessa,” he grumbles.
“I know right now it does, but we Rosses are strong.”
He says nothing.
“Jade called, left two messages to check on us. I think we should call her back and let her know we’re just fine.”
“After we do that, can we sleep in your bed with you tonight?” Kendall asks.
“Well, that may be a little tight, but maybe we can all get our sleeping bags and sleep on the back deck.”
“Could we really, Tessa? On a school night? Won’t Dad be mad?” Kendall asks.
“Look at him. He won’t even notice.” I make a joke about it, but it’s not a joke. He’s been so distant. “But that’s why this is going to be so cool,” I whisper then tickle them.
After Kendall and Jake fall asleep on the deck, I head inside to grab my bag and a flashlight to get ahead on some reading.
Alex is in the kitchen, getting a glass of water.
“Where did you disappear to?”
He looks at me over his glass, and I nod once.
“Right. You and Molly, I suppose?”
He swallows his water then sets the cup on the counter. “She’s our Mom, Tessa. Just checking in on her.”
I’m pissed, more than I thought I would be.
“Yeah, well, she left us. How do you think Dad feels about you going there?”
“He thought it was a good idea.”
“Right,” I huff as I grab the flashlight from the cabinet and my bag from the hook by the bac
k door. “Goodnight.”
“Tessa, it sucks, but it’ll work out,” he says to my back.
More so than Mom leaving us, it hurts that I feel like I’ve been stabbed in the back again tonight. The one Alex just drove into it is so much deeper.
“Yeah, I’m sure it will.”
He grabs my hand and tugs me back. I turn around and scowl at him.
“Don’t go TT on me.” Before I have a chance to reply, he hugs me. “We’ll get through this.”
“You keep saying that. It doesn’t—”
Hugging me tighter, he says, “Those words mean something, Tessa. It’s what you’ve said for five years now, so don’t kick dirt on them.”
Tears begin to fill my eyes again, and I finally hug him back. “Okay. Okay, I promise.”
He steps back. “How are Kendall and Jake?”
“Tucked away in sleeping bags, sound asleep on the deck.”
“Want me to sleep out there?” he asks.
“We’re good.”
Outside, I shine the flashlight in the bag and see the note LL somehow snuck in my bag. Then I see the one I crumpled and tossed in the garbage at school.
My stomach tenses, and then … it flips.
I shove them back into my bag, zip it up, and set it on the deck before leaning back in the chaise. Looking up at the sky, I watch the stars twinkle and dance.
Not a cloud up there tonight. The storm seems to have passed. How does that happen on a day like today? It makes no sense at all.
I whisper in a direction in which I don’t even know, because I’m unsure who the words belong to, but I do know they must be spoken.
“You’re giving me mixed signals.”
I allow myself to silently cry about the whole situation at home. I honestly don’t understand it. And when the pain from overthinking it hurts too much, I think of the hottest white-hat boy, L-L-I-N-K-S 1, LL … Lucas Links, and my thoughts immediately fall to the way he looks at me, the fact he’s written me notes, his eyes, and how much I’d like to feel him hug me, engulf me in his arms, and yes, his lips.
The thoughts make me feel dizzy, and the emotions make me tired, so I close my eyes.
I wake as the dawn breaks and startle when I realize where I am, and then I blush when I remember where my dream took me.
He was smiling at me, the most attractive smile in the world. And then he kissed me, and his dream kiss felt so real that my lips are still tingling.
I run my fingers over my lips and imagine how it would feel while I was awake. Would it be as warm, as soft, or as sweet? Would I kiss him back like I did in my dream, and would it make me smile the same? Would his green eyes show kindness and not malice? And why was I wearing a ring?
I guess none of that really matters, but I do know that when I close my eyes, as I am doing now, I can still see my smile like it was playing on a movie screen. And I can see the one he gave me in return. The look in his eyes was kind in my dreams, not like the reality.
I had a ring on my finger.
“Tessa?”
My eyes pop open, and I watch Kendall yawn and stretch.
“Good morning.”
“Did Mom come back?” she whispers as she sits up.
I shake my head and smile softly as I push my sleeping bag down and get out quickly, watching her lower lip tremble. “Which means extra chocolate chips in your waffles. Let’s go.”
Jake pops out of his sleeping bag. “Me, too?”
“Of course, you, too.”
We all rush inside, dragging our sleeping bags.
“I got these. Go get dressed and brush your teeth. I’ll make breakfast.”
I watch as they both bound into the bathroom to get ready to face the day. And I close my eyes, trying to recall my dream.
When it doesn’t happen, I shake my head and realize just how ridiculous I am.
Walking into the kitchen, though, I can’t help but wonder, What was that about?
Chapter Four
Unnerved by the dream with the kiss and the ring, and having quickly rationalized that it was provoked by the notes, the call, and obviously the fact that my parents’ marriage is ending, thus the ring, I have no desire to run into Lucas Links today.
Luckily, I have today and tomorrow to avoid him, and then the weekend is here.
Knowing the forecast is calling for heat and humidity, I French braid Kendall’s and my hair, and then I help her pick out a sundress as I grab my Ross Farms tee with the sleeves cut off and a pair of denim cut-offs. After a quick once-over, I’m unsure if the shorts are too short, but since they’re mid-thigh still, I’m okay with my choice.
I grab a pair of silver hoops and my cross necklace, putting them on while wondering if it’s a bit much. On a scale of one to Jade, I feel I’m safe.
The fact that Jade was uncharacteristically rushing out the door as soon as Alex and I pulled in and didn’t even make us wait for a second for her to come out of the house is telling, and the fact that Alex is … Alex and not wanting to be late, we left early to get her. And this is why we’re now fifteen minutes early to school. And it just so happens that so is the black Trans Am.
Walking past the locker room, I see Tommy standing at the bottom of the stairs, obviously waiting for Jade. I’m sure his friend is going to step out of the men’s locker room door, directly across from the stairs, any second.
Before she can say anything, he says, “Good morning.”
Alex glares at him.
Normally, I’d stick around, but I need to get out of here.
I call after Jade, who is already shaking her ass as she walks toward the stairs, “I’ll be up at the lockers in a minute.”
She blushes as she waves and starts up the stairs, pausing when Alex and Tommy exchange words.
Going to Coach V, using the excuse to talk with him about the game schedule, making sure I keep the conversation going until the first bell rang, therefore gaining a hall pass and completely avoiding the Lucas Links situation, I then run through the hall to get to my locker.
When I open it, a note falls out. I quickly pick it up and shove it in my bag. Then I grab my books for the next three classes, hoping to avoid him.
Fourth period Economics is the first class I have with Lucas Links and, as with each class today, I have snuck in with the bell, just to ensure I don’t get stuck sitting next to him. As luck would have it, Phoebe is sitting next to the door in the back row, and the seat next to her is vacant.
“Mind if I sit next to you?” I ask, not waiting for a reply.
“I mean, sure, but you don’t have to,” she says sadly.
It hits me then that I didn’t sit with her in second and third period. It also hits me that there is no way in hell I’m admitting my entire second day of my senior year has been spent avoiding him.
She leans over and whispers, “Is it because you want your cleats back? Because if—”
“No. God, no.” I reach over and give her hand a squeeze. “I’m just …” I stop and shake my head. “Things aren’t good at …” I snap my mouth shut because “things are not good at home” is definitely the wrong thing to say to someone who is in the foster care system. It would be incredibly rude. “I—”
“It’s okay. You don’t have to explain.” She turns and looks to the front of the class.
“I promise I will when I understand it myself, but Phoebe, it has absolutely nothing to do with you. I promise.”
“It’s okay. Really it is.”
Mr. King clears his throat, and I look up.
“Miss Ross, would you like to teach the class today?”
I slide down in my seat when everyone chuckles and shake my head. “I’ve heard you’re a good teacher. I’ll let you have a crack at it first.”
I hear a deep chuckle then feel eyes burning into me as the class busts up laughing. Luckily, so does Mr. King.
“Let me know if I screw up, will you, Miss Ross?”
“Sure.” I smile as my face turns red, and the
n I glance left and see green eyes, white teeth, and a dimple.
No. Just no, I think as I look away.
Unable to pay attention—seriously, who has shoulders like that?—I watch the time, and a minute before the bell, I whisper to Phoebe, “When the bell rings, we run.”
She looks at me then in his direction and back to me, a sly smile crossing her sweet face. She nods once. “Understood.”
Walking into the cafeteria with our lunch trays, we walk toward Alex, and I overhear a part of his and Mike’s conversation.
“How are you guys doing?” Mike asks.
“Fine. Just busy,” Alex answers, worry etching his face. “After practice, we need to get the hay in the barn. Not much got done yesterday, ya know.”
“We can help,” Mike offers.
A look of relief and gratitude softens his features. “That would be great.”
I hip-check him. “Thanks, Mike.”
He lifts his chin. “Course.”
Jade is giddy, and even before my butt hits the seat, she starts whispering, but rather loudly, about Tommy this and Tommy that.
Becca and Phoebe immediately get wrapped up in her excitement. Me? I try, but I’m worried she’s moving way too fast. I can’t bear to see her get hurt. And yeah, I also really freaking hope he didn’t change his lunches along with his class schedule.
They listen to Jade read notes she has received from Tommy. She is freakishly happy.
A moment later, Tommy walks in and bends over Jade’s shoulder, grabbing a carrot off her tray. “Hey, pretty girl,” he says before shoving the carrot in his mouth and winking at her.
The chair next to me is pulled away from the table, and I don’t even have to look to see who it is.
Then the deep low voice whispers, “You’re avoiding me.”
Not looking at him, and completely ignoring the way the hair pricks up on the back of my neck when he speaks to me, I say, “I have a busy schedule.”
“Gonna want to start freeing that up, Tessa Ross.”
The blonde cheerleader, the one who I now know is Lucas’s ex, Sadi, walks toward the table, glaring at me and Becca, who happens to be sitting on the other side of him.
