by Mj Fields
“I said we need to talk.”
“What do we need to talk about?” His voice shakes in anger.
“Our child.” The way she says child feels like she’s taunting him.
He looks at me, and I whisper, “Do you need a minute?”
He covers the phone and says, “I have nothing to say to her.”
I whisper, “I’m sure you have questions, Lucas. Ask them.”
He fires them off.
“How far along are you?”
“Well, let’s see … we had sex a week before school started, so you do the math.”
“Two and a half months?”
“Ding-ding,” she says snidely.
“What are you going to do?” he asks.
“What do you want me to do?”
He balls his hand into a fist. “Well, it didn’t matter last time, so why the fuck are you even asking me this time?” He doesn’t even take a breath before he sneers, “By the way, I personally took you to get on the pill; what the fuck happened with that?”
“Should have used a rubber. Guess the pill is not one hundred percent, just like they said. And Lucas, I plan on keeping it.”
His face turns red. “What do you want from me?”
“For you to be a man. Basically, the opposite of your father.”
“Fuck you, bitch.”
I shake my head, and he covers the phone again. I whisper, “Don’t lower yourself to her level, Lucas. You are so much better than that.”
He exhales a breath before saying, “Okay, you’re going to need to spell it out for me.”
“First, you need to get off the farm and the farm girl. I don’t need to be stressed out right now.”
His entire body stiffens.
I reach over and take his hand, gently squeezing it, and he looks up at me, eyes hard, jaw tense.
“I have to be here for three months; that is out of my control. As far as Tessa goes, I told you on the field. If you need me to repeat myself, here it goes: you are to leave her the fuck alone.”
“Lucas,” I whisper and shake my head.
“As long as you don’t lay down with the dog, then I won’t do anything to her.”
Lucas sits up straight. “You also need to tell your brother to keep his hands off of Jake Ross.”
“Jake started it,” Sadi snarls.
By the look on Lucas’s his face, I can tell he has had it. “Time to grow up, Sadi. You’re going to be a mommy in less than seven months.”
Sadi huffs, “As if you know anything about parenting.”
He’s not the only one who has had enough.
I reach out my hand and whisper, “Lucas, give me your phone.”
He shakes his head and sits back, crossing his free arm over his abdomen.
Again, I whisper, “Then tell her name calling does nothing. If we are going to parent a child together that needs to stop, and it needs to stop now.”
He repeats what I said, verbatim.
“Fine, I want you to be part of this pregnancy. And when your mom gets home, I want to move in so that we can work on things. You need to get a job, because you’ll be taking care of us, not your daddy.”
His face is red, veins bulging in his forearms as he clenches his fists.
I whisper, “Tell her—”
“Lots of demands,” he cuts me off. “My head is spinning. We’ll talk more later.”
“Yes, we will. Now and forever, this bond can’t be broken. It’s me and you, Lucas Links. Figure your shit out.” Sadi ends the call.
He closes his phone. “I can’t ask you to be part of this, Tessa. I love you too much for this to be your life.”
“I hate to point out the obvious, but I make my own decisions. It isn’t up to you.” I scowl.
His eyes fill with tears as he asks, “Can I please kiss you?”
The way he says it is not said in a way that reassures me that things will get better, but I will not deny him. I take his face in my hands and kiss him gently. Then I slowly pull away.
“I’m sorry, Tessa.”
I need to get out of here, so I say, “Don’t be. Let’s go for a ride.” I stand and ask loudly, “Anyone want pizza?”
I reach out my hand, and he takes it. I pull him up, and then we walk out to the kitchen.
I know everyone was listening to us, but it’s not because they’re being nosy; it’s because they love him just like I do.
Jade looks at me sadly, and I shake my head once. She nods in understanding then answers, “Um, sure, let’s get pizza.”
I grab Lucas’s keys off the counter, hold my hand out for Lucas, and announce, “We’ll be back in thirty minutes.” I look at Lucas and tell him, “I’m driving.”
Behind the wheel of his SUV, I drive toward town, and the numbness begins wearing off. Anger is what I feel now. Anger, sadness, and loss hit me all at once, and my hands begin to shake as tears fill my eyes. Part of me wants nothing more than to make love to Lucas right here, right now so that I can experience that ultimate closeness that comes when two people truly love each other. I quickly pull off a side road, throw the vehicle in park, and look out the window.
How is it possible that I am parked in the very same place that Lucas and Tommy dropped us off that first time I rode with him?
As tears threaten to fall, I turn off the vehicle, throw open the door, and step out. I walk around the front of the vehicle, and my knees begin to shake, just as my hands are. It’s the kind of shaking you feel when you are so cold that your teeth chatter, but instead of my teeth chattering, my knees go weak, and as I fall to them, my tears join in.
I hear the passenger door slam and gravel crunch beneath his sneakers as he runs to me, squatting down. He pulls me into his arms.
Crying harder than I ever think I have cried, I say, “You should have left me here and never looked back.” I throw my arms around his neck, and he engulfs me in his big, strong arms, and we are knee to knee once again.
“Baby, I am so sorry.” His voice breaks. “I am so fucking sorry.”
I cry, and he cries … until no more tears fall. Then he pulls me up, arms still around me, walks me to the passenger side, opens the door, and I get in.
I sit in the vehicle while Lucas walks into the pizza shop to grab our order. A car pulls up beside us and parks. I don’t bother looking. I really don’t want anyone to see me. Perhaps I should invest in a white hat so that I, too, can cover my eyes when the pain becomes too unbearable.
It isn’t until I hear her voice that I look up.
“Did you tell the farm girl the good news?” Sadi sneers.
I unbuckle my seat belt, throw open the door, and jump out. I begin running toward her and, as dumb as she is, she hops back in her car and locks the door. Lucas grabs me and pulls me away.
“Tessa, please don’t,” he whispers as he drags me back to the vehicle.
“I fucking hate her!” I scream and point to her as he opens the door and plops me in. “I fucking hate you!”
I didn’t think it was possible for any more tears to fall, but they sure do.
I watch as Lucas grabs the pizzas off the hood of the vehicle, where he put them when he grabbed me and dragged me away before I broke that bitch’s windshield. He then opens the rear driver’s side door and sets them on the seat before he gets in.
Before he shuts his door, though, he yells at her, “Does that answer your question, Sadi?”
I see her smile in a way an evil villain would smile. “You better figure it out, Lucas. My child won’t be around trash like that.” She then glares at me. “Hey, farm girl, you may have gotten the crown, but I got the boy”—she places her hand over her belly—“forever!”
Lucas has to grab my arm and pull me away from the door as she starts her car, backs out, and leaves.
I pull my arm from him, pull my knees up on the seat, curling into the tiniest ball I possibly can, and sob.
When he parks in front of the barn, he gets out, walks around the v
ehicle, and opens my door.
“I’m so sorry, Lucas, I am so sorry. I just need a minute.”
No part of me wants to give her a minute. Hell, I don’t even want to give her a second, period. I just want to make this all go away. Instead, I walk around the vehicle, open the door behind the driver’s door, grab the pizzas, and tell her, “Whatever you need, baby, just know I love you.”
When she begins to shake, I know she’s crying again, and I regret my words immediately, but I feel them to the bone. Hell, even deeper.
I have to be strong for her, no matter the pain I am feeling. I have no idea how I can even begin to make this up to her, but I swear I will die trying. I will do whatever it takes to make her smile again, no matter the consequences to me.
When I walk to the back door, it opens, and Jade asks, “How are you?”
I shake my head and shrug as I walk in through the mud room, to the kitchen, and set the pizzas on the table.
I can’t let her stay out there. She shouldn’t be alone in this. Her people are here, as they always are. So, I walk back outside, open the door, and lift her out of the seat.
“Lucas, I don’t—”
“You aren’t going to be alone. I won’t allow it.”
She doesn’t fight it; she allows me to carry her in, and she clings to me as I do.
I walk past everyone in the kitchen and straight to the couch. I sit down, still holding her on my lap, and I don’t let go. After a few minutes, or hours, maybe even days—fuck if I know time right now, all I know is pain, and the pain that I’m causing her—Jade comes in and sits next to us.
“What can I do to help?”
“Get her through this,” I whisper.
“What about you?” Jade asks.
“I’ll do what she wants.” I kiss her head. “I think we both know what she’s going to expect, no matter what the cost to her. So, again, Jade, you’re going to need to get her through this.”
“I will, Lucas, I promise.”
“Thank you.”
Tessa sleeps on my lap for over two hours, but it’s not nearly enough time. It never will be with her.
Finally, she opens her eyes, lifts her head from my shoulder, and looks up at me. “I’m sorry.”
“Please don’t be, baby,” I whisper to her.
“I wanted to kick her ass.”
I smile. “Trust me; I know that feeling.”
She doesn’t smile; she begins to cry again, wrapping her arms tighter around me. “I love you, Lucas.”
“I will always love you, Tessa.” My eyes begin to burn. “Do you understand that? Always.”
She’s holding her breath and looks in pain as she forces herself to exhale.
It’s crushing me. It’s killing her. I should have known better than to believe that a girl like her would be untainted by a boy like me. Selfish, that’s what I am, and I don’t give a fuck right now. I kiss her, anyway.
She kisses me back, and then she pulls away, slides off my lap, and goes into the bathroom.
I look at Jade and nod to the door. “She needs you.”
Behind the closed door, I can hear her muffled cry as she whispers, “I lost him, Jade.”
“Tessa, I don’t think so. He loves you,” Jade attempts to soothe her.
I stand up and walk to the door, ever the masochist, and listen.
“We’ve done stuff, Jade. God, I was so close to sleeping with him. Can you imagine—”
“But you didn’t have sex?”
“No, but other things.”
“Oh, really. And how was that?” Jade asks.
“Wonderful. It made me feel closer to him, if possible … love him even more. But I just can’t do anything again. I have to let him do what he feels he needs to do, without complicating things any further.”
“But, what do you want him to do, Tessa?”
I hear the shower start as she says, “The right thing.”
I can’t listen anymore. I walk over, sit on the couch, and try to think of what the girl I love thinks the right thing to do in this messed-up situation is.
After several minutes, she walks out, fresh from the shower, and she’s wearing one of my sweatshirts and a pair of shorts.
I pat my lap. “Come here, baby.”
She sits on my lap, and I cover her with a blanket then hold her for a moment before kissing her and telling her, “I should go shower. Will you be here when I get back?”
“I’ll be here, Lucas, always.”
I have cried in the shower a few times in my life. It seems like the best place to do it. But it doesn’t soothe the pain this time. I have not been able to come up with a solution, which is abnormal.
After I dress, I walk out and sit next to her, and she’s holding a mug that reads, “Ross Farms.”
“There’s a cup on the table for you. It’s chamomile, supposed to be calming.”
I pick up the cup and take a sip of the hot tea that I know damn well won’t soothe the ache inside of me, but I absolutely appreciate the gesture.
“Dad and Alex went to get groceries.” She sets her mug down. “Tommy and Jade left when you were in the shower. He said call him when you need him.”
“Thank you.”
“Is there anything you’d like to do? Talk about?”
Take that sweatshirt off and show you every move I have so you’ll never forget me. So you’ll never stop wanting me. Because I know damn well that you’ll stop loving me soon. How could you not? is what I think. Instead, I ask, “Can I ask you some questions?”
She takes a sip of tea, peering over her mug at me, and gives me a slight nod.
“Do you think we can keep doing this, Tessa? Continue falling in love?” I scrub a hand over my face, trying to hide the vision of her before me as her eyes mist over. “Do you think you’re going to be okay with me telling her to do this alone?”
She sets down her mug and sits crisscross, pulling the blanket over her lap. “I suppose not.”
“Why?”
“Because I know who you are”—she reaches over and touches my chest—“in here, and I wouldn’t want it to be any other way.”
It fucking hurts to hear those words, but I didn’t expect anything less, not from her.
“I know, Tessa, and that’s why this is killing me. You love who you know I can be. And if I don’t live up to that, you won’t. So, either way, I’m going to lose you eventually.”
She takes my hand and squeezes it. “I don’t want to lose you, Lucas, and I am so afraid. The whole thing today … I wanted to kill her.”
“I know. I’m sorry.” I look down. “I want to be a good man, Tessa. I want to grow into the man you know is in here, but now I’m so confused. What do I do? What do you want me to do? Please, baby, just tell me.”
“The right thing,” she whispers.
“I don’t love her. I never could. I love you, and that will never change.” I grab her face, rub my thumb across her perfect lips, and ask, “Do you understand that, Tessa?”
“Yes,” she says, tears burning in her eyes again. I can do nothing but hug her.
“I love you, Lucas.” After a long embrace, she pulls away from me. “Will you still be my friend?”
“Will you want that?”
“I don’t know, but I’ll try.” Her voice cracks.
“I will, too.”
We fall asleep on the couch, just the way we should—in each other’s arms.
I wake up and walk outside to the deck, where I sit and look at the stars. Hands folded in prayer, I close my eyes and talk to God for the first time in too long.
“I’m so sorry for the way I have been acting.” I begin to cry. “I know I’ve made mistakes, and I have to pay for them. I will, Lord, and I think I already am. I just ask that You please take care of Lucas. He’s a good person with a kind heart, and I would have behaved worse if it weren’t for him seeing something in me that I had forgotten. Please forgive my sins, and please God, he has to be okay. Please help
him through this.”
“Tessa?”
I look up and see Lucas standing at the door.
“Come back, baby. It’s cold.” He reaches out for my hand.
I wipe away tears as I stand, reach out, and take it. Then we walk inside together, and he sits on the couch then lays back, and I lay beside him, resting my head on his chest.
Never in my life have I been more comfortable than I am right now. Close to him is where I always want to be.
He holds me tightly, petting my head like Mom does to help me fall asleep.
Dad’s voice wakes me, and when I open my eyes, I realize the sun is now up. I haven’t slept this long for quite some time.
“Tessa, Lucas, time to get up and get ready for church.”
I sit up and look at Lucas as he opens his sleepy eyes. I touch the side of his face and smile softly at him.
“Good morning, Lucas,” I whisper.
“Good morning, Tessa,” he whispers back.
Chapter Thirty Two
Sitting in the Ross family pew, I watch as Tessa sings a song. I believe it’s called “Blessings.” I sure as hell hope, maybe even pray, that she has them in abundance. After me, she deserves them all.
At the end of the song, I see a tear fall from her eyes, and it takes every bit of strength inside of me not to get up and run to her, to wipe it away. Not just the tear, but all the pain I’m causing her.
Phoebe reaches over and grabs my hand, squeezes it, and doesn’t let go.
When the song is finished, Jade reaches over, hugs Tessa, and wipes away the tear.
Phoebe whispers, “I know it doesn’t feel like it now, and it may not feel like it for some time, but I promise things will get better.”
Unable to focus on anything else but her for the rest of the time the choir sings, I sit still as stone, a feeling I am not unfamiliar with.
When the sermon begins, I feel as if I’m being mocked by God. Lust is the topic, and up until I met Tessa Ross, I had known only that. In every Sunday school class that I have attended with Tommy, in the many years that I’ve known him, the teachings have always been of forgiveness. I would love to ask God how it was that, when I finally asked for it, I was not given it, but instead, I lost what was most important to me.
