by W Winters
He parts his lips to answer me, but no words come out. Time passes, and the only thing I can hear is my heartbeat as he stares at me. His eyes don’t break from mine, and I’m too scared to look away.
“I’m sorry,” he says flatly, but then he turns away as if the sentiment were genuine.
For some reason, just hearing those words breaks me. The tears fall and as I wipe them away, he looks at me with distaste. I half expect him to tell me to stop, but he doesn’t.
I struggle to calm myself and somehow I do. Maybe it’s because I don’t really believe him. I don’t believe it’s hopeless. My mother will find me, and she’ll make that man pay for what he’s done. Both to me and to this boy. I know she will.
“What’s your name?” I ask to keep him from leaving me as he turns. I lick my lips, tasting the salty tears and wiping my cheeks. I don’t want to cry. I want to get out of here.
“J-” he starts to answer me, but we both whip around and face the door as it opens, silencing us and making me instinctively back away from it.
I grab onto the boy’s arm and try to hide behind him. I don’t know a thing about him and the look he gives me nearly makes me run from both him and the man stalking into the room, but I don’t get the chance. The boy grips my wrist with his other hand and pulls me closer to him, my front to his back and my back to the wall. He keeps himself deliberately positioned in between me and the man.
It’s only when I grab onto the boy, my small fingers digging into the rough denim of his jeans at his hip and my cheek pressed against his back, that he lets go of me.
* * *
The boy may scare me some, but the man terrifies me.
Chapter 4
Robin
This sabbatical was a mistake. I’m only hours into it, but I’m already feeling like I need to do something. Anything. I just can’t sit here and not focus on work. It’s what I’ve done since I was a child. It makes dealing with everything so much easier.
I pull the blanket tighter around me and toss the paperback novel onto my nightstand. I tried reading the first page at least four times. My eyes would travel along the lines, but not a word would register. I just can’t focus. I can’t relax.
I flick the switch to the lamp, turning it off and rub my tired eyes. I can’t sleep either, but that’s nothing new. My back cracks as I lie back down and try to stretch out my neck. It’s sore and so are my shoulders, so I fluff the pillow and put my head back down only to be agitated by how hot the pillow is.
I’m just not comfortable. Not physically, not emotionally. And I don’t think I should be. I deserve this.
I turn onto my side and then back onto my stomach, hugging the pillow close to me. I thought tonight I’d be haunted by the last session I had with Marie. I thought it would be her eyes I’d see that kept me from slipping into a much-needed sleep and letting the exhaustion take over. Instead, it’s his eyes.
Red-rimmed and brimming with tears. They fall down his face and he doesn’t acknowledge them, he just stares at me, whispering that he’s sorry. He hadn’t told me he was sorry other than the first day. But weeks later, my strong protector stared at me and it was all he could say. My chest tightens, and I remember how the fear weighed against me. “I’m sorry,” he whispered.
* * *
I try not to cry. He already feels guilty, but he shouldn’t. His father uses me to make the boy do things he doesn’t want to. It’s not fair to him. What’s worse is that I want him to protect me. How selfish I am. I’m sickened by it, but the fear of his father keeps me quiet as the days pass.
As I swallow the spiked lump in my throat, twisting my fingers around each other and ignoring the emotions rushing through my blood, my eyes dart to the boy’s arm. The bruises are already dark, and there’s a large scratch on his forearm. The blood is so bright. Such a vivid color. I’ll never forget.
“I’m sorry,” he says and his voice cracks and this time he wipes the tears away with the back of his hand as he sniffles. I’ve never seen him like this. I shake my head with my eyes closed, ignoring how my heart squeezes and my body goes cold. His father is going to come for me. He’s going to put me in the cage instead of the boy.
My mother isn’t coming. No one is. It’s been weeks. I knew the day would come when I would have to leave this room. I always thought it would happen after the boy was taken. Every time I’m alone in here, I’m scared his father will come back and he won’t be able to protect me anymore.
But he let the boy come back to me with the threat that when he returns, he’ll be taking me for his test.
I can’t help but let the tears fall as I wrap my arms around my chest and try to keep the sobs from ripping from my throat. I can’t blame the boy. He’s kept me safe for so long. But he didn’t listen. He wouldn’t obey his father, and now the monster is going to come for me.
“It’s okay,” I say weakly, although the way my voice croaks, I don’t even know if he can understand me.
He grips my shoulders with both of his hands. It’s a bruising force that snaps me out of the fear of what’s to come and captures my full attention. He’s so close to me, so intense as he stares into my eyes. I don’t think he’s ever touched me before. Not like this, not since the first day when he shielded me. He doesn’t like it when I touch him either. Especially when he has bruises.
He shakes his head, his eyes staying on mine. “React quickly,” he tells me, and his face scrunches and he holds back his own emotions, breathing deeply before looking back at me with remorse. “He stops it if you show how scared you are.”
His eyes pierce mine and I can’t help but nod my head, although I’m not sure what he’s talking about. He’s never told me what happens when he leaves. He’s not the same when he comes back and he likes to be alone, so I give him that space. “Don’t try to be brave and hide it. He’ll only make it worse.”
I stare at him, but I don’t answer. I can’t do this. I need to be strong and not make this harder for him, but I’m terrified.
“Robin!” the boy screams my name, demanding an answer and my obedience, but before I can say anything, the heavy metal door swings open.
* * *
My eyes snap open and I struggle to take a breath, quickly sitting up and shoving the suffocating blanket off me. I take a ragged breath and reach up to my shoulders where he was touching me. I swear I can still feel his fingers digging into me.
He was just a boy, but he tried so hard to protect me. I pull my knees into my chest and rest my head on my knees, focusing on breathing. He didn’t deserve the fate he was given.
I lick my dry lips, willing the memories to go away.
It’s been so long since they’ve been this vivid. I know it’s the guilt. I left him there. He took so much of the pain to try to save me. He’s the only reason I could escape, and in return, I left him behind.
Small tears leak from the corners of my eyes, wetting my lashes and landing hard on my silk nightgown. I wipe them away and then reach for the bottle of pills on my nightstand.
I know I need to see someone for this. I can’t keep taking pills just to sleep, just to keep the night terrors from surfacing, but I’m too ashamed to admit it all.
I’m too much of the coward that I was when I was a child.
I take two pills, hoping they’ll help. Last night they didn’t. Hours passed and sleep didn’t come. It only makes the mornings worse, but maybe tonight, it’ll come. I swallow the now room temperature water and set the glass down on the nightstand.
My back and shoulders hurt as I roll over again. I bunch the blanket between my knees and shift on the mattress. It’s the best money can buy, but it can’t soothe my sore body. It can’t lull me into a deep sleep that keeps the nightmares from surfacing.
Nothing can save me.
It’s a weird feeling when you know you’re about to fall asleep. Your body seems to go weightless for just a moment. My limbs turn numb and everything feels heavy. So heavy but like I’m floating, a sweet
contradiction that tells me sleep is coming.
I’m conscious of it, fully aware a deep sleep within reach. And that’s when the floor creaks and my body wakes instantly, tense and stiff.
I keep my eyes closed, too afraid to open them. My heart races in my chest, and I’m too scared to move. Maybe it’s all in my head, I tell myself, but the second I do, I hear the floorboards creak again with the heavy weight of someone walking into my bedroom.
My back is to my nightstand, but I know my car alarm is there. My keys are sitting somewhere on it in the dark. I need to move, if for no reason than to make a disturbance. I suck in a breath as I roll my body over, not looking at whoever is here.
I don’t care who it is, I’ll fight them. I won’t go down easy and be a good little victim. I refuse to.
I knock the glass of water over, and it shatters on the floor. At the same time, the bed dips low with the weight of the intruder. I scream out as he grabs me, my fingers grasping at the ceramic cup that holds my keys, my earrings, my lip balm. The rim of the cup brushes along my fingertips as a rag covers my face.
I breathe in once, both of my hands reaching up toward my mouth. My fingers struggle to pry the large hand away, scratching as my muffled screams prove how useless my fight was.
His heavy leg lays over mine, pinning me down as I breathe in again.
Chloroform.
I can smell it, and it’s then that I know I’m fucked.
I struggle until I can’t.
I scream until my throat’s raw.
And when my body finally goes heavy and numb again, that weightless feeling taking over, my eyes roll back and I catch a glimpse of the man.
His eyes.
So gray. Even in the dark of night, I know it's him. The sharp lines of his handsome face are different from those I remember. My hand reaches up, my fingers brushing his rough stubble before falling without my consent.
He’s alive. I will my eyes to stay open for just a bit longer. Just to be sure he’s real.
The boy’s alive. My heart squeezes, and the realization is too much to bear. It shatters my sanity, my composure.
And then the darkness takes over in one slow wave, and all at once, I surrender myself to him.
Chapter 5
Robin
Twenty years ago
I’m so used to this room. I don’t know how long it’s been, but I don’t bother to count the days anymore. I don’t hope for Mama to come find me anymore. I know it’s useless now, and it only makes me more upset.
The only solace I have is lying beside me. I speak without thinking, just saying what’s on my mind to break up the silence in the cold room.
“I wish I were a bird.” I blink at the faint light shining through the small window so high up on the cinder block wall. “Then I could fly away.” My voice lowers to nearly a whisper and I turn on the hard ground, facing the boy at my side. I tuck my arm under my head and swallow the lump in my throat as I avoid his gaze. It’s such a serious look in his light gray eyes. I can hardly stand the chill that runs through me.
Some days I think he’s angry with me. I can’t shake the thought that he hates me; that he hates being stuck here with me, both of us helpless and at the hands of his heartless father.
“Both of us.” I clear my throat and chance a look up at him as I add, “I mean I wish we were both birds.” I turn to gesture toward the far wall as I explain, “So we could fly through that window.”
The boy smiles at me, although I don’t think it’s genuine. “But it’s closed,” he says in a voice so rough and low it makes goosebumps spread across my skin. He clears his own throat, propping up his head in his hand and leaning on his elbow to look down at me. My heart does a weird flip in my chest, fluttering when he leans closer to me. I can feel the heat of his body. He’s older than me. He looks it, too. I feel my cheeks heat with a blush and I look away, turning back to the window and pulling at the thin gown I have on. It’s not enough to keep me warm down here and I know if I were just a bit closer to the boy, I’d be more comfortable, but I keep my distance.
“Well, what animal then?” I ask the boy, curling on my side and tucking both arms beneath my head.
He’s quiet for a moment, but then he answers, “A wolf could break it.”
I resist the urge to turn to face him, closing my eyes as they roll and a small smile forms on my lips. A wolf could never fit through that window.
I decide to play along, feeling a warmth run through me as I hear him scoot closer to me. He never touches me, but he likes to be close to me. And I like it too although I don’t tell him. “Well, you be a wolf and break the window, and I’ll be a bird. Together we can run away.”
“I saw a wolf kill a bird once on TV,” he says, but the boy’s voice is devoid of emotion and the shock of what he said makes me turn to face him, sitting up and pulling my knees into my chest.
“Why would a wolf do that?” I feel my brows pinch and my lips turn down; I know it’s obvious I’m horrified from what he said, and it only makes him laugh.
He shrugs his shoulders and picks at a spot on the concrete floor, a satisfied smirk on his lips. Something about the look on his face makes my heart do that fluttering motion again and I find myself inching forward, my toes barely touching his thigh. But we both notice that they touch.
“A wolf doesn’t have any reason to hurt a bird.” I stare at him, but he still doesn’t look up at me. “I don’t understand.”
The boy tilts his head to look at me and this time, the expression is something I’ve never seen before. There’s a rawness in the light gray flecks, a heat on the outer edge where his eyes get darker. Almost like a flicker of a flame giving his gaze an intensity that makes my body freeze, but not with a coldness, with a burning heat.
“I think he did it,” the boy starts to say, licking his lower lip and staring right through me, not caring that I can’t even breathe when he looks at me like that, “I think he did it just because he wanted to.”
Chapter 6
John
I pick at my thumbnail with my teeth as I stand in the corner of the dark room. I’m anxious, and adrenaline is pumping hard in my blood. Jay’s a fucking bastard. He didn’t tell me until it was already done.
I should go to the police and turn him in. I know that. Even as I pace in the small dark corner and stare at the woman on the bed, I know I should.
But I won’t. Jay set me up. He said it was collateral, using my car and leaving evidence behind although he won’t tell me what. I’m fucked. I grit my teeth remembering how he smiled at my anger.
I don’t know what to do other than to keep her safe, but as the time ticks by I start to wonder if I’d do more harm than good. If being close and looking out for Jay would bite me in the ass. And in this case, the woman caught in Jay’s gaze. I can’t tell him no though. A low rumble in my throat pisses me off. I know Jay needs me and I’m fucked because I just can’t walk away from him.
It reminds me of when we were kids. How I got along with everyone. A decent student and friendly by nature. Jay wouldn’t come around to the playground often then. Very rarely. But some days I’d sit by the edge of the broken swing set, and he’d show up then. It scared me when he’d stay away for a long time. He wouldn’t tell me where he went. All he’d say is that he wasn’t wanted, but I shut that shit down. I wanted him around because I knew he needed someone. I could sense how desperate he was, but he was too afraid to open up. Too afraid to let anyone in. Except me, I guess.
The other kids didn’t see him like I did. They mostly ignored him or, if they were honest with themselves, they were terrified to look him in the eye. That’s the air around him that pushed everyone away. And the moment anyone would dare to approach us, Jay was gone. Uninterested in associating with anyone else. Despite all that, we got along just fine, better than fine most of the time. I knew how to be a good friend to him and he did the same for me when times got rough. We got close fast. Almost like brothers.
> “Jay?” the woman calls out softly, and the sheets rustle as she turns onto her side, pulling her knees into her chest. Her voice is ragged, but not with fear, which is surprising. Just exhaustion. And it pulls me from my memories and back to the present.
She’s even more gorgeous in person. I’m practically terrified to go any closer to her. She calls to me in a way I can’t describe or justify. Her hair is a messy halo on the white pillow and her skin looks soft and smooth, so much of it exposed in the skimpy silk nightgown she's wearing. I only went to her to pull the thin sheet over her body, covering her curves although they’re still prominent under the sheet.
“Robin?” I whisper her name and clear my throat when it comes out raspy. Jay’s gone. He brought me here and left to get supplies. Things he said she’d need. I’ve never been to his home until now, but I couldn’t have guessed for even a second it would be this nice.
He said it’s for her. That it’s always been for her, although he didn’t know it until he was ready to take her. The way he talks about her has me on edge. He’s obsessed, but only with healing her. Only in righting his sins.
All I know about her is her name, that she tried to kill herself, and that she has a past with Jay. He didn’t give me anything else. He said she’d have to tell me.
“Jay?” the woman calls out again, her voice groggy as she rises on the mattress, bracing her arm behind her and slowly sitting up. She puts a hand on her forehead and lets out a small moan.
I hesitate only a moment more before taking three large strides closer before stopping at the foot of the bed. “You’re safe,” I tell her gently, raising my hands with my heart racing in my chest. “I promise I will keep you safe,” I say and the words come out with strength. I will keep that promise if it’s the last thing I do.
