by W Winters
“Go back to sleep,” he tells me in an even voice. And for the first time in years, I do just that. I slip easily into the darkness and fall into the depths of a dream I once had long ago.
Chapter 11
John
The camera’s set up and focused on her. She's sitting on the bed with her knees pulled into her chest. There’s a room upstairs full of clothes for her, yet she’s wearing a white t-shirt that’s far too large for her and a pair of men's blue flannel pajama pants. Something Jay must have left for her to wear. She's alone on a tiny ass mattress with nothing else in the room except a metal chair.
I let out a tortured breath and drag the chair across the room. The metal legs scrape on the cement floor, and the screeching only pisses me off. Rubbing the sleep from my eyes, I think about how I’ve canceled everything to be here. It’s like an obsession, picking at the back of my brain, the anxiety making my body tremble. But more than that, I’m curious.
I don’t know what exactly happened between them, but the way she looks at him and vice versa… I’m more than curious.
“How do you know Jay?” Robin asks me with her gaze still fixed on the sheet she’s balling up in her hand. She dares to lift those hazel eyes to me, and I take a moment to consider what I want to tell her.
“We met when we were kids,” I answer. I finally sit down a few feet away from the bed, but inside of the camera’s field. I swallow thickly. “He helped me,” I admit to her.
She picks at the sheet, but doesn’t look down. Tilting her head, she asks me, “Helped you with what?”
“I was adopted and it was hard for me, but Jay was,” I pause and clear my throat, remembering back to when we were kids. Both of us lost and feeling alone, feeling abandoned. “Jay was a good friend when I needed one.” I nod my head once and then look back at her, but I have to rip my eyes away. It doesn’t justify this.
“I see,” Robin says softly and it reminds me that she’s a shrink. A huff of a humorless laugh spills from my lips. “Are you analyzing me, Doctor Everly?” I ask her with humor in my voice, but she nods her head once.
“I hope you don’t mind,” she says in a soft voice, still picking at the sheet.
I try to swallow the spiked ball that’s formed in my throat, but I can’t. Instead I just talk. “I didn’t want to do this,” I tell her. “I’m afraid to not be here though.” I look her in the eyes when I say, “When I came back here this morning, I was scared that I’d find-”
I shake my head, unable to continue. It makes me less of a man to leave. Less of a man to leave Jay with her. But there’s something I don’t know. It’s like it’s right in front of my face, something I know deep down inside that says it’s all okay, that this is meant to happen like this.
“Jay doesn’t want to hurt me,” Robin says confidently, but then adds, “Maybe a small piece of him wants to. But I don’t think he would.”
I stare at her with wonder and ask, “Why would you give him the chance?” Her eyes narrow with pain and gloss over before she reaches farther onto the bed and pulls the sheets up to get comfortable.
“What do you know about me?” she asks me.
“You’re a psychiatrist,” I answer her. I almost add that I looked her up while she slept. That I know where she went to school and other details I was able to find online, but I shut my mouth. She’s already frightened, and I’m holding on by a thread. “Did you want to become a shrink because of what… what you went through?” I ask her. My heart aches for her as I search her eyes for answers.
I’ve felt bad for Jay for so many years. It’s why I could never leave his side. And I feel the same for her. Unabashedly so.
She shakes her head, her hair swishing over her shoulders as she looks past me and crosses her legs. She rocks slightly and says, “I wanted to go into law and make a difference, you know?” Her eyes find mine as her voice carries through the room.
“Law?” I nod my head and say, “I could understand that. I could see why you’d want to go that route.”
I can see the red blinking light of the camera reflected in her eyes as she stares at it for a moment, and then she licks her lips and looks back at me.
“I used to think that the worst thing you could see before you die was the eyes of your killer,” she tells me in a tone that’s chilling. “And I wanted to stop that.”
I take in an uneasy breath, rubbing the back of my neck and trying to ignore all the things Jay’s told me of his past. They almost feel real as the images flash before my eyes.
“But it’s not,” she whispers.
I turn to look at her, my hand stilling on my neck and then slowly moving to my lap.
“Now I think the worst thing would be to see someone running away, someone ignoring your screams. Someone who could help you, but didn’t.” Her eyes tear up again, and she shudders.
“I don’t think I could handle facing that,” she says and waits for me to respond.
I fail to find the right words to tell her. I know it hurt Jay, because he’s told me about the girl over and over.
“What else?”
“What else?” I ask her for clarification.
“What else do you know about me?” she asks.
“I know you were with him,” I tell her, my blood chilling at the memories. “You were with him for a little while.”
“For four months,” she says and her voice cracks. She swallows and brushes a strand of hair from her face. “Two days over, actually,” she says and smiles sadly. “I left him then,” she says but chokes on her words.
“It’s not your fault,” I tell her honestly. I can feel the emotions from her. The disappointment and regret. “Anyone would have run,” I add.
She nods, but her expression only turns more painful.
“So now you know why I’m doing this. But why are you?”
“I don’t trust him,” I tell her firmly. Surprisingly she simply nods, as if that’s a given.
“So he’s just a friend that you owe. Someone who’s helped you, someone who’s broken and fucked up and you feel like you need to help him to make sure he doesn’t hurt me?”
I nod once at her analysis of the situation. My chest feels tight, and I hate how I feel restrained and like a damaged man for giving him this.
“Yes,” I tell her and scratch the back of my neck as I consider how to word my next question right, but she cuts me off.
“What do you think of me?” she asks me, and it catches me off guard.
“What do you mean?”
She chews the inside of her cheek for a moment. “You know what happened.” Her eyes dart to the door at the sound of Toby laying against it and making the door thud. “You know that I’m…” She doesn’t finish, and instead she looks me right in the eyes and asks, “Do you think I’m crazy?”
My heart thuds in my chest, and I hesitate to answer. “I don’t know everything-” I try to finish, but she cuts me off.
“Yes you do,” she says quickly in a whisper. “I’ll tell you a secret, John. No one left that house with a sound mind.”
Chapter 12
Robin
I don’t know what’s more disturbing, talking to John about what happened in the past, or staring back at the blinking red light. It’s just like the cameras that were in the ceiling. The ones that watched us in our room.
“You gave it to him?” I ask Jay, and he peeks over his shoulder as he continues to lead me up the stairs from the basement to the main floor.
“Gave him what?” he asks me. I tighten my hand on his as the wooden stairs creak. “The camera,” I reply, and the answer itself makes my heart hurt. My body tenses and I try not to close my eyes because I don’t want to see it.
‘I thought it would help,” Jay says as if it’s not fucked up.
He opens the door at the top of the stairs and warm light floods my vision for a moment.
“The room, the dog, the camera…,” I say without thinking and pull my hand from Jay’s to rub my ey
es. When I pull my hand away, he’s staring at me, a look of worry on his face. “It’s not okay, Jay,” I whisper.
“It’s a second chance, little bird.”
He shifts from side to side, but his body is tense. “You don’t know what it’s been like,” he says in a tight voice, the anger coming through. “I’m trying, but some things need to be shown to him,” Jay says, and my throat constricts at the thought of John.
“Jay,” I speak softly, reaching my hand out to his, but he turns away and runs a hand through his hair. “Please listen.”
“We do it my way first,” he says, pushing the words through his teeth, his piercing eyes shining into mine and narrowed with authority.
“What if it makes it worse?” I ask him. He’s playing with fire. I can already feel the creeping heat threatening to consume us both.
He licks his lips and takes my hand in his, looking past me as he says, “We’re going to be alright, Robin.” The way he says it reminds me of when we were children, only then it was the opposite.
He’d never admit back then that there was hope. Never.
“Let me show you your room,” he says and then he blows out a low steady whistle. My muscles tighten as the large German shepherd trots into the room. With his tongue hanging out just slightly and his ears sticking straight up, he looks approachable, friendly even. But I can’t breathe.
“Jay,” I say his name like a warning.
Jay bends down, crouching on the floor and petting the dog’s head with both of his hands. “We have to face our fears, don’t we?” he says with a sad smile. I remember the scar on his leg from when he was a boy, and I take a hesitant step forward.
“Is that why you got him?” I ask him, but keep my eyes on the dog. My palms itch with a faint sweat, and my heart races. It took me years to overcome my fear of them. Even my family dog when I got home, a golden retriever named Chloe who was almost eight years old scared the shit out of me when she barked. I cried constantly, unable to stop the fear and the pounding of my heart, but knowing it wouldn’t go away. It wasn’t her fault. I loved her before, but the barking only reminded me of the terror I’d run away from.
Jay follows the dog, leaving me watching and forcing my legs to move forward.
The hall is small and short, and all of the doors are closed, but they have character. The house is old. Although the fixtures are new and the paint fresh, it’s designed like an older home. The doors are carved and made of hard maple. My fingertips glide along the wall and then dip to a door and back up to the plaster wall.
“Whose house is this?” I ask Jay to change the subject.
“Mine,” he answers without turning around and steps into a door at the very end. A door that’s closest to the end of the hallway and the opening to the living room. I grip the inside of the doorway, partly to keep me from running, but also to make sure Jay knows I’m not leaving as I lean out and take a look.
The ceiling is tall, taller than I imagined for the hallway being so small. A large ceiling fan whirls and the small gust makes the floor to ceiling curtains sway. They’re thin fabric with an organic quality to them.
Lots of browns. Dark brown floors, the tab top curtains and dark wood furniture are everywhere. The only hint of color is the dark blue sofa and matching love seat that sit in front of the large windows. With the curtains being so thin, I can see all the surroundings. Even through the gray of the sky and the slightly blurred view from the rain, it’s picturesque, with the field of green and mountains way back in the distance.
But it sends a chill through me. I decided I’ll stay, but I never really had a choice. The realization is sobering.
I focus on the furniture, on the living room itself. It’s almost like a cabin, but modernized with a comfortable feel to it. It’s homey, but barren in every other sense. There’s no artwork. Nothing hanging on the walls. There are no candles or knickknacks. No books or magazines. No throw pillows or blankets. There isn’t even a TV.
“Do you live here then?” I ask him, leaning back and looking over my shoulder to Jay. I still haven’t stopped gripping the doorjamb.
He looks at me hard for a moment, as if debating on telling me and finally he nods once. “It’s beautiful,” I say just above a murmur.
I look down the hallway again and gesture with a nod. “Which is your room?” I ask him.
His voice is empty of every emotion when he answers, “The basement.” My heart squeezes in my chest, and I have to tear my eyes away from him. All this time, I’ve been moving forward, trying to have a normal life. And Jay’s merely been holding on to the past.
I have to close my eyes as the German shepherd rubs against my leg, the feel of his wiry fur sending chills through my stiffened body as he pants and leaves the room, laying with a loud thud in the hallway.
“He frightens you?” Jay asks me, and I whip my head to him.
“He bit me.” I grit my teeth after saying the words because it’s not quite true.
Jay takes three large strides toward me, closing the space between us and placing his hand over mine, still clinging to the doorway.
“Toby,” Jay says with his eyes locked on mine although he’s calling for the dog. He whistles low as the large dog rises and trots obediently to wait by his master.
I only resist slightly as Jay pulls my hand down, crouching and making me bend at the waist. I close my eyes, but continue to breathe evenly.
He won’t hurt me. Not Toby or Jay. He won’t hurt me. I repeat this over and over in my head, focusing on breathing.
The dog’s tongue laps at my hand, feeling like rough sandpaper and I slowly open my eyes.
“He likes you,” Jay says without looking at me, petting the dog and releasing my hand. “I knew he would,” he says and pats the dog’s head before standing up. The moment he does, Toby stops licking me and sits, waiting for another order.
“He won’t let you leave,” Jay says as he shoves both of his hands into his jeans pockets and stares down the hall at the door to the basement. He takes in a heavy breath and looks at me. “He’s a good boy, but he won’t let you leave.”
I nod my head once, searching Jay’s eyes for sympathy or guilt, but there’s nothing there. The dog pants for a moment, and Jay waves him off with his hand.
“You didn’t seem to mind the dogs before,” Jay says as he turns his back, leaving me in the hall to watch as Toby stretches along the dark hardwood floor in the opening to the living room. The fan is on, and the faint breeze ruffles his fur.
It’s only when I turn, pulling my eyes away from the dog that I register Jay’s words. “What dogs?” I ask him as my heart beats harder.
I take a look at him as he walks into a nearby room. He picks up something small off the dresser, and I recognize it instantly. I’m stunned as I take a step into the room and realize it’s not just any room.
This is my room.
* * *
“If you could be anywhere you’d like, where would it be?” he asks me.
I shift on the floor, my shoulder feeling numb. I pick at my broken nails and look at the floor where I’ve been picking at the ground. There’s never anything to do. Nothing but talk to Jay.
I can’t stand it when he’s gone. It’s the fear of not knowing if he’ll come back. The fear of not knowing what I’ll become if his father takes him away from me forever.
“Hey,” I hear Jay say softly, “just talk to me.”
I stare at him, bewildered. He’s different today. Softer in a lot of ways. “If you could go anywhere at all, where would it be?”
I pull my legs into my chest, feeling my back stretch as I close my eyes. “In a castle in Ireland,” I say jokingly with a smile. Deep down my heart hurts because I know what I really think. Back home with my family. But I’m not allowed to talk about that. Jay doesn’t like it when I bring them up.
“Ireland?” he asks with curiosity. I shrug my shoulders and let out a small sigh.
“There’s a picture from on
e of my books at home. It’s a room in a castle.” I feel my cheeks heat with embarrassment as I remember it’s from a fairytale. I won’t tell him that. I’m already younger than Jay. I don’t want him to think of me like I’m a little kid although that’s exactly how he sees me.
“I thought you’d say Disneyland,” he says and laughs at me, rolling onto his back and passing the ball back and forth between his hands. It’s odd to see anything at all in the room. The ball moves from palm to palm rhythmically and I see a smile grow on the boy’s face. He looks so young, smiling as he lies on the ground, fiddling with a baseball.
It was a present, he told me, a present for being good.
I sit up on the floor, my palm brushing against the concrete that’s all too familiar. “Do you think he’ll let us go outside and play with it?” I ask him.
He stops his wrist in mid-motion, gripping the ball tightly in his right hand and almost dropping it.
“There is no outside, little bird,” he says and then looks up at me, a small smile trying to curl his lips up, but it’s so sad. I swallow the lump in my throat as he adds, “But we can pretend to be anywhere.”
Although my heart breaks and tears fill my eyes, Jay sits up and hands me the ball, forcing it into my hand and sitting cross-legged across from me.
“Tell me about your room, Robin. I want to know all about it.”
* * *
***
* * *
My eyes glide across the room, taking in every inch of it. Again, the ceilings are so high up. Higher than I realized at first, and the cream ceiling is fitted with dark wood beams that make my eyes travel up. A thin white chandelier with small crystals and lights that look like candles brightens the room. There are two smaller ones on either side of the bed which sits on the far end of the room along the wall. The headboard is the same dark wood as the beams, and it travels up the height of the wall.
