by W Winters
“Selfish fuck!” I spit the words as the bedroom door opens. In two large strides I’m at the door and pulling the handle hard so it shuts.
“Stay inside!” I scream at her while Jay fights for control, or does he? I don’t know anymore. My head pulses again with pain.
“I’m not going away, John.”
I grab both sides of my head, falling against the hallway.
“Jay, please,” I hear Robin call as the door creaks open again.
“Get out,” I tell him as my hands ball into tight fists. They pound my head time and again.
“Please let me help you.” She’s cautious and doesn’t move from her spot, but she opens the door slowly.
“You do this to me!” Jay’s voice forces my eyes up to the corner of the hallway as Robin approaches me. He screams back at me, his eyes glossy and suddenly I see him for who he really is. “This is who you are!”
“Jay, please,” Robin says and walks toward me with her hands up. She’s walking into the fire.
She’s not safe.
“Get out,” I tell her as I press my hand to the wall and steady myself. “Get out of here,” I bite out the words as she flinches and takes a half step back.
“I’m not leaving you,” she says quietly beneath her breath, her eyes wide with both fear and disbelief. Jay’s voice echoes in my head as he screams, but I don’t listen.
“Get out,” I say calmly, all the rage just beneath the surface. She tries to turn, to run back to her room, but I’m faster than her. I close the door and slam it shut before she can run. I cage her small body in, loving the heat and the feel.
I fucking love her, and that makes the pain in my chest only splinter deeper.
“Get out,” I repeat again, feeling her hair in my face and resisting the urge to touch her, to comfort her as she trembles beneath me.
“I can help,” she barely gets out as she turns in the small space between us.
“That’s why I’m here,” she pleads with me, chancing a moment to reach out to me. Her small hands reach up to my chest and I feel Jay inside of me. I feel him cower in pain and agony.
I’m a monster. “He never should have brought you here,” I tell her and grab her wrists.
Her breath shudders as I tug her away.
“No!” she yells as she kicks me and runs to the living room.
I grind my teeth and follow her in, right on her heels. She grabs onto the first thing she sees, the sofa, and grips it as if it will protect her.
“John, no,” she pleads with me, but she doesn’t turn.
My breath stills and I feel Jay pace inside, hating me and wanting to kill me as I pry her fingers from the edge of the sofa.
She can’t stay. I won’t let her see this.
Jay’s quiet as I fight her, holding her small body against mine and force her from the house. She kicks and begs me over and over, but I ignore her.
As I toss her outside, careful to keep her from falling too much, I know how this needs to end.
Chapter 29
Robin
Fear laces my blood and the night air is bitter cold, making my hands shake as I reach into my pocket for his phone I took from him as he forced me out. I’m glad I had the presence of mind to put on my shoes when I went back to my room. I did it to avoid being cut by the broken glass in the bathroom but I should have realized this would be a possibility as well.
My shoes slam down on the porch steps, one after the other as I run forward. I look behind me, over my shoulder, breathing heavily from the terror screaming in my blood.
I knew there was a chance he’d break. Every moment with John I waited for him to remember. It fucking killed me for him to look at me with new eyes. No memory of everything we’d gone through. It was selfish of me, but I needed to know if he'd still love me even if I kept the truth at bay. That selfish desire stayed my hand. That, and the fear of how he’d handle it once he learned the truth.
Once he’s learned who he truly is.
My Jay. The tortured boy and my savior in every way. But he doesn’t see it as that. He never could.
My shoulder brushes against the bark of a tree as I try to catch my breath, breathing in the cold night air that makes my lungs feel like they’ve frozen. My muscles scream from running as fast as I did, but this is as far as I’ll go.
I lean my body against the thick oak tree and look back at the house. The sounds of him yell, pull more pain from my heart. The sob is suppressed as the light from the phone brightens the dark night and tears my eyes away from the lit windows in John’s house.
There’s no one for miles. No help can come soon enough.
There’s no fucking way I’m leaving him. He’s a danger to himself.
I stare at the screen, looking at the numbers to press to unlock it.
A password.
Fuck! I chew the inside of my cheek, looking back up at the house. I don’t know his fucking number! In a moment of panic, I almost forget that there’s an emergency call option at the bottom. I silence the sob that tears its way out from my lips and quickly call the police.
I clench my teeth. No rings. Pick up. Pick up!
A loud bang, like a crash from inside the house makes my heart leap in my chest and my body turns to ice as I look up. Nothing to see, nothing to hear but Toby's barking, over and over.
The click is loud as a calm female voice speaks clearly, “Emergency operator, what-”
“I need help!” I scream into the phone.
“What’s your address, ma'am?” the woman asks me, and I freeze. Fuck! I look around, I look everywhere for a mailbox or a number. There’s only a dirt road.
“I don’t know! I don’t know!” I scream into the phone, tears stinging my eyes. I look up at the house again, feeling like I’m failing him. “I don’t know,” I croak and cover my mouth, hating how weak I sound.
“Is the emergency at the location of your phone?” the woman asks me and I nod my head as I answer her, “Yes, please come fast.”
“I’ve got your address. The police are on their way. I need to know what-”
As soon as she tells me they’re coming, I drop the phone and bolt to the house. Finally help is coming for him. Finally.
“Jay!” I cry out as I grip the wooden railing and race up the stairs. The screen door slams open as I rush to get inside. As soon as I enter the house, I hear Toby barking again.
But it turns to white noise. Nothing matters as I sway on numb legs and stare at the ground.
The bookshelf is splintered on the ground, the books are strewn about. The lamp is shattered, and covering the floor with shards of thin glass are specks of blood that get larger and larger as I walk quietly to the other side of the room.
“Jay?” I call out, just as my eyes lock on his limp body in the middle of the room. The coffee table is overturned and he’s lying next to it. Where he lay the first night I snuck from my room to see him.
“John?” I call out his name out of desperation. I walk faster when there’s no response, falling to my knees next to him. His face is bloodied and bruised, as are his knuckles. A large mark on his face is bright red, covering nearly half of it and it’s then that I realize he slammed his head repeatedly into the coffee table.
I put my hand on his chest, shaking him gently. “Talk to me, please,” I whimper, but he’s still. “Say something!”
I press my fingers to the side of his wrist, but fail to find a pulse. I press harder out of sheer panic. There’s nothing. “Jay!” I scream a strangled cry and wrap my fingers around his wrist, holding his hand with mine.
“How could you?” I whisper. He can’t leave me. “You can’t leave me,” I barely get out. “I love you. I love all of you and I can help you,” I tell him in a ragged voice through the sobs.
Regret and fear are consuming me. He can’t die.
It’s only when I put my fingers beneath his nose and feel his breath that I’m somewhat calmed. But his pulse is so weak. “Help me!” I scream,
knowing no one can hear. The tears fall down my cheeks freely, my eyes already are swollen and stinging from the pain.
I can’t breathe as I hold his head in my lap, the warmth of the blood soaking through my clothes.
My body rocks back and forth. “Stay with me, Jay, please.”
“John, come back to me.”
“I love you both. I promise I’ll make it better. I swear I’ll never leave you again.” As I whisper the promise I faintly hear sirens making their way toward the house. Help is coming. Finally, help is coming for him. I sniffle and hold him closer, lowering my head and whispering next to his ear, “I’m so sorry.” I can’t even voice everything I regret.
The sounds of the sirens coming can be heard in the distance, getting closer now.
“Just please come back to me.”
Chapter 30
John
Beep. Beep. Beep.
Each time the machine sounds, my head throbs with a pain that only brings back memories. I feel my forehead pinch and another shooting pulse, but I can’t move my hand up to my head.
I groan, trying to move but I can’t.
The images flash through my head.
My father holding me down. Beep.
His fist. Beep.
The dogs. Beep.
I go backward in time.
My mother dying. Beep.
I want to stay there. They’re so happy. He holds her, and she holds me. Beep.
She’s on the ground. Beep.
She won’t wake up. Beep.
I scream out for her.
My head shakes and I try to move again, feeling closer to consciousness, becoming more aware of my body, but it’s so heavy.
I shake her shoulders, trying to get her to wake up. Mom! I scream out. Mom!
The sound of my father’s boots. The sound of the toolbox that crashes to the ground as he runs into the room.
My throat feels raw as I cry out again. Beep.
He pushes me out of the way.
No! Mom! Beep.
My shoulders shake as I watch him leaning over her.
Small hands shake me, but they aren’t in the room with me.
Father! Help her! Beep.
His cold gaze finds me, his hands still holding Mom, but when he looks back at me, I can’t cry out anymore. I can’t speak.
His eyes are like ice as he sneers at me. What did I do? Why is he blaming me? I didn’t do anything. I swear I didn’t.
“Jay!” I hear a voice scream, and my eyes part slowly. My groggy head sways and I try to blink. The bright lights hurt though. My wrists sting as I pull upward, but they won’t move. It takes a moment as my head lolls to the side to realize I’m in the hospital. Sedated and restrained.
“Jay,” I hear her soft voice and vaguely feel her hands on mine. I turn my hand slightly and she laces her small fingers with mine. My little bird. I’ve held her hand so many times. Her hand belongs in mine. Everything’s okay then. That’s all I need to know that everything’s okay.
Robin, my little bird.
She brought me here.
I expect anger, I expect to hate her. Instead I only feel weak and helpless. The pain in her voice is what does it. I’ve hurt her. I’ll do anything, my little bird. Don’t leave me. Not here, and not ever.
Slowly, the memories come back.
All twenty years and more.
My Robin. My sweet Robin.
I watch her run. I keep watching as the dogs bark behind me. They’re so close, and I’m certain they’re going to get out. It’s only a large stick keeping the cage secured. It’s going to break. I know it will. But when it does, they’ll come for me.
I’ll watch her though. I’ll make sure up until the last moment my life slips from me that she’s free, that she’s running and the dogs stay here. My father will stay here. They can have me, so long as she’s free.
When I turn behind me, finally ripping my eyes away from where she’s gone, it’s only because the sound of boots stomping against the cold hard ground is getting louder. It’s only because I don’t want him to touch me. But the second I turn, the shovel slams against my skull and blackness consumes me. Only the briefest vision of my father follows me to the darkness.
“Jay, please. Stay with me,” I hear her soft voice call out. It’s like an echo in my head.
I’m here. I try to tell her, but my throat isn’t working. My voice isn’t here. I’m here, little bird. We made it. We both made it.
I remember standing outside her house. Across the street and shielded from the row of oak trees, I waited for her to be alone. She came to mine and I followed her home, too afraid of the police. I did that. I burned it down. It was all my fault.
But she has a family who holds her so closely.
And she never looked back.
My hand slips from the tree and the rough bark scrapes my arm. When she ran away… she never looked back. As the anger rises, I hear the footsteps behind me. I turn ready to fight, my movements sharp.
But there’s no one there. Just a voice in my head. I shake my head again. The boy is there. He looks the way I want to look. Who am I?
* * *
“Jay!” Robin’s voice is clear and strong.
“Robin,” I finally answer her and I know she heard it.
Beep. “Turn off,” I try to speak but my throat hurts too much.
“You were intubated, Jay. It’s okay,” I hear her tell me as I fight against the bindings holding me down.
I open my eyes as she yells at someone to turn off the machine.
They tied me up. I stare at the bindings, hating her. She of all people should know.
“Jay, it’s okay,” she tells me as she pats my hand over my clenched fist. “You had ICU psychosis and you tried to rip out your IVs, but you’re okay.” Her words barely register as I pull at the bindings, my muscles coiled, but I’m weak.
“Please, Jay. Please stop,” Robin begs me, her voice strained. Her small hands grab my face, and they’re so soft. Her tears hit my chest hard.
It’s only then I see the wires, all the machines.
“Miss,” a nurse calls out behind Robin as she comes forward to take my Robin away.
“Leave me alone!” Robin cries out and then looks back at me, her hazel eyes pleading with me. “Stay with me, Jay. Please. It’s been days of this. Please, Jay. Stay with me.”
Days?
I still my body, my heart beating rapidly and thumping so hard in my chest it hurts.
“He’s fine!” I hear Robin snap at someone behind her and then sniffle. “Don’t put him back under. He’ll be okay. I know he will,” she says and her voice is so strong.
“Robin, what-?” I can’t finish my sentence as the last memory comes to the forefront of my mind. Over and over I smashed my head against the wall and coffee table, against anything. I wanted him out of my head. Jay… the memories of Jay.
I swallow thickly as Robin talks quietly and calmly, in an even cadence meant to avoid agitation.
“You hurt yourself,” she tells me. “You’re okay now, but I need to make sure you can swallow on your own and eat.”
“Swallow?” I ask her.
“When you first came in, you woke up and… and they had to sedate you, Jay.” Her small hand grips my arm tight. She’s so sad as she tells me what’s happened.
“Do they know?” I ask her and then swallow, my throat throbbing from the pain. I don’t care if they hear. I need help. I can’t hurt my Robin. I won’t do it.
I see her nod in my periphery and it draws my attention to her. I try to pull my arm up so I can brush her tears away, but I can’t and I’ve never felt a greater pain in my life.
“It’s called Dissociative Identity Disorder… or split personality as it’s more commonly called.”
I nod once, I know already. I’ve known all along, but part of me has held it down. There is no cure. There are times when you may forget again and slip into psychosis, but constant therapy and a desire to be well
are important. I used to think it was because my dad was crazy. It’s not genetic. But it can arise from abuse and stress.
“Could you undo these please?” Robin’s voice comes out strained as she angrily wipes under her eyes. “He’s fine now,” she says confidently. “He’s back,” she whispers.
I can’t look as a nurse unties the bindings and tells me something. Not to hit, not to harm myself. It all turns to a blur as I think about her staying with me for days.
“How many days?” I ask her, although I stare straight ahead at the white wall.
“It’s been six days,” she says and I close my eyes tight. As the binding to my left wrist loosens, I quickly move it to my right, on top of Robin’s.
“You stayed with me?” I ask her and she nods her head but says, “They couldn’t let me stay with you at night at first. I had to get papers and orders.”
It’s quiet for a long time. And I whisper, “I’m sorry.” I truly am. For everything I’ve put her through. She doesn’t answer me, she only kisses my cheeks and then once chastely on my lips, but I can’t open my eyes.
“Your name is John?” Robin asks me.
My voice is raspy as I answer her, “Yes.”
I lay my head back, remembering how she ran again. How I gave her a choice and she left, but yet she’s here.
I speak from the heart. Without thinking at all I say, “You don’t owe me anything, Robin. I knew you’d run, and I knew I’d have to stay behind. You never owed me anything. You never had anything to be sorry for, Robin. This guilt isn’t on you.” I know she needs to hear it. It’s plagued her for so long. My eyes stay closed, and I can’t bear to look at her to see her reaction. I need to let her go for good.
“Stop it, John,” I hear her say and turn my head to her.
“You aren’t mine to keep,” I tell her as my gaze finds hers. I want to keep her though. So badly.
“I was always yours, Jay.” A warmth floods my chest, until I hear the name.
“Jay,” I say the name with anger. I hid behind Jay. Or maybe I hid behind both. I don’t even know which is more present in this moment.
